No sex sadness

[valooma]

My partner and I are in crisis. We've been together for one year and have only had sex about three times in all that time. Before he met me, I had sex with a lot of people - I was wild. I had sex with whoever looked my way, letting myself be taken advantage of. I was an absolute mess and a complete tramp. And then I met my boyfriend and it felt like I could relax. there was no pressure to anything I didn't want to and somehow in that freedom, I felt I didn't have to have sex and it made me feel better about myself. I've had a long term relationship before and it was the same. We didn't have sex and it was the ruin of the relationship. Just like it is with my partner now- it is ruining things between us. I can't seem to explain to him what's wrong with me. He thinks me not having sex is only particular to him because he knows I was with a lot of men just before I met him. I can't seem to communicate well enough to him that my insecurities about sex, and how weird it makes me feel is the reason I had a lot of sex and the reason I also at times don't have sex at all. What can I do? I am so confused, and I am having so much trouble explaining to my partner how I feel. Any thoughts? Anyone have any similar experiences? I feel so alone and don't know where to turn or who to talk to. Please help if you can.

[Jo*mar]

I'm sure there are some deep emotional reasons why this happens for you. You are holding back from true intimacy.
There are many good books on that subject you may have to dig deep to figure it out. It may be something you have blocked out from your memory.

- Is he a good and caring person ? Do you truly trust and like him completely?


our partner forum is here-
http://psychcentral.com/lib/category/sexuality/

[Pearl2000]

Doesn't it sound popular to be wild? having sex with all those men you hardly knew? But ask yourself, what were you trying to communicate? ...uhm...to yourself...?
Was it like : wow, look at me I'm worthwhile?

I think you are chicken out on your current boyfriend. If you want sex you know how to get it. However, what you are afraid of is intimacy. And please don't blame the lack of sex on him. Sex is a mutual thing.

Intimacy is something that goes along with sex. It might give you just that final touch to enjoy sex fully. Girl, this boyfriend sounds like a stayer to me, so try him out how deep your feelings dare to go.

[billie]

My partner and I are in crisis. We've been together for one year and have only had sex about three times in all that time. Before he met me, I had sex with a lot of people - I was wild. I had sex with whoever looked my way, letting myself be taken advantage of. I was an absolute mess and a complete tramp. And then I met my boyfriend and it felt like I could relax. there was no pressure to anything I didn't want to and somehow in that freedom, I felt I didn't have to have sex and it made me feel better about myself. I've had a long term relationship before and it was the same. We didn't have sex and it was the ruin of the relationship. Just like it is with my partner now- it is ruining things between us. I can't seem to explain to him what's wrong with me. He thinks me not having sex is only particular to him because he knows I was with a lot of men just before I met him. I can't seem to communicate well enough to him that my insecurities about sex, and how weird it makes me feel is the reason I had a lot of sex and the reason I also at times don't have sex at all. What can I do? I am so confused, and I am having so much trouble explaining to my partner how I feel. Any thoughts? Anyone have any similar experiences? I feel so alone and don't know where to turn or who to talk to. Please help if you can.

I heard you, valooma! I had not heard it explained that way before, but my history is so similar to yours. Maybe my situation is different, but for whatever reason, I felt disinterested in sex during marriages, despite the fact that I cared deeply for husband; felt "in love" what have you. But the absence of a sexual relationship can be destructive to the relationship, whether he leaves for a more sexual relationship or you leave due to weariness of his un-desired desires, so to speak. Sometimes a broken relationship can be cause for long-term regrets. Is individual therapy re "how wierd it makes me feel" a possibility? Or marital therapy? It is possible that fixing the problem now might save you a need for long-term therapy in future. I eventually decided to stop having relationships altogether, in the realization that I was hurting the involved others by leaving the relationships due, at least in part, to the lack of sexual desire in the long-term relationships. Giving up relationships altogether is DIFFICULT and it required years for me to accept. I continue to need therapy, but cannot afford it. I care about your problem and would be pleased should you desire to PM me. billie