Are there any 'tough love' groups for 'adult children'?

[Just Jacquie]

Hi guys - sorry long time no see - busy isn't the word right now, it's more like ' lightening pace' or something - wish I had all the time in the world to sit here and chat with you all.....

So much has happened since last we 'talked' :rolleyes: , but in a nutshell, here goes: My daughter, who, you may remember, is 23 was approved for disability this past August - I swear it had nothing to do with the fact that I workfor DDS, doing the same adjudicator job! ;) Anyhow, things have been up and down with her, as usual, despite the host of meds she's on. There is a real tough thing she's going thru now, too...She is quitting smoking - she HAS to, because she is having surgery in either Oct or November for breast reduction - she's finally had enough of those huge 'watermelons' she has - like a 40G or something, and wants to fit into regular clothes. But, God love her, she's so moody, despite the nicotine patches and all. Sometimes she yells and screams at me so much, she makes me feel like a worthless piece of crap - kind of like the way my Mom used to make me feel. Then, she's always got that 'ace in the hole' - her threats of suicide. She's making our lives a living rollercoaster, it's becoming harder and harder to take sometimes. So, is there an organization somewhere concerning TOUGH LOVE and grown children?? Heaven help us, we need it sometimes. Like tonight, we came home from dinner and she was upset because we had left her alone even longer than being at work. Long story, but I feel like our lives will NEVER be happy or normal with her and those antics. I'd throw her out, but we all know she'd probably end up six feet under sooner or later.

What is a mother to do :confused: ? Besides all this, I am suffering from a crisis situation of my own with my hereditary spherocytosis (blood disorder like sickle cell) and I'm looking towards having my spleen removed in the near future.

Any ideas? We love her so much, but some days even love just isn't enough...

Thanks, dear friends, for any input here!

Hugs, Jacquie

[Alffe]

(((Jacquie))) You know my thoughts on this subject dear lady. I'm so sorry you are all still struggling with this. Just wanted to pop in and give you a hug.

[LindaM]

Jacquie,
I wish I had some answers for you, I truly do as I am in much the same situation as you.
I won't go in to the long version just know I have 3 grown children and all 3 have been suicidal and I could go on and on, I have to say I know I let them take advantage of me and by doing so I'm not doing them any good either, so please if you should find such a group as your looking for pass it along!!
Please know your in my thoughts and if I should find anything to help I too will pass it along.
Hugs, LindaM(suede)

[bizi]

hI there,
glad that you found these forums so we can stay in touch with each other.
You continue to have a ton of stuff on your plate...
I wish I could wave a wond and give you the answer you need but alas I can't...
all I can say is that the sooner you allow/make her to be more responsible for herself the healthier she will be.
She is old enough to take that responsibility...it is her body.
You will need to set some limits on what is acceptable behavior...you choose to react...or not.
your house ...your rules...
it is all about respect.
take care sweetie,
bizi

[Just Jacquie]

Thanks Alffe, Linda and bizi - your points are well taken. I KNOW we need to let her alone to be more independant, but that is so much easier said than done. We LET her treat us this way, as Dr Phil would say, but it's hard to teach an old dog, ya' know?

We'll keep working on it, she can have a complete 180 tutn around moodwise numerous times a day....

Thanks again, glad to be back!

Hugs, Jacquie http://bestsmileys.com/magic/7.gif

[Mari]

We'll keep working on it, she can have a complete 180 tutn around moodwise numerous times a day....

Hi Jacquie,
I can't remember her dx's. Does she have anything beyond bipolar? Bipolar cannot be treated with tough love as far as I know.

As long as she is still unstable and having mood changes throughout the days, the only thing that can help her is better meds. After she gets better meds she can work on counseling, exercise...

I am sorry that she is still having difficulties.
Mari

[SusanLee]

Hi, I am new in the chat room. Have a 28 yr old daughter who has been diagnosed with everything from bipolar, personality disorder,autism and what ever else a new doctor thinks they see. She is also strong willed and spoiled. Love is powerful but painful with people we need to tough love as we don't know how far to go and what the outcome will be. Ny daughter is in crisis right now and it takes everybit of energy to handle her and not lose your own mind. I have learned a couple of things but sure don't have the answers for everything. Jacquie, your health is most important as without you being healthy you can help no one. I also have learned to emotionally detach when I have to enforce a boundary I have set. My Linda also has delayed development and is sort of stuck in her teens years. Didn't mean to post so much but I truly empathize with you.

[Vowel Lady]

Good grief...we have much in common and I might pm you.
Does your child have bipolar disorder? Is she on medication? We have someone in our family, same age, with this dx.
Thank goodness you got her on disability. Esp. since you have your own health issues (and even if you did not), you can not be a nurse maid to a grown child and not expect it to take its toll at some point. Very few people in the world have the energy and financial resources to truly care for another human many days a week and that is what often happens when a person is unwell. And IMHO, few understand the STRESS and complexities of this situation...like when you talk about letting her go and the fear of the her ending up "six feet under."
We hope our relative will grow and learn, but at the same time understand that you can't let things get totally out of hand and we need to show compassion.
Still more...if your child is suffering from Bipolar Disorder, it is imperative that she sees her doctor regularly and that her medication is monitored. Your child might also need therapy...someone to help with anxiety, mood swings, etc.
But even through the difficulties of the illness......I like to think with effort improvements should be able to be made. Even if they are little baby steps, one always hopes for improvements. (Sigh)
Regarding your question: I do believe there is a group called Families Anonymous that might be beneficial; although I think the majority of participants are dealing with substance abuse issues...that certainly would not be the entire story. Another group to look into would be NAMI. Also, I can't find it right this moment...but I have a good book on "boundaries." There are many good books on this topic that might be of help. My heart goes out to you, I think it is highly likely that I understand. I DO hope you have your own therapist and that you take time to care/nurture yourself whenever possible. It is a complicated and confusing situation requiring much thought, patience and strength.I also empathize with your situation.
Susan/Linda/JJ: There is a separate area here called "Parents of Bipolar Children" that might also be of assistance.

[DiMarie]

Hi Jacqui,
I know what she needs but we can;t force them unfortunatly. It is hard when your soul is so confused to get the proper interactions with family. But, isn;t there a day program that has good reviews to get her out from under foot a day or two a week. Our Health care had a part time day program to help with self.....De never got there, her health issues were always so difficult, but I am hoping ehr brother now 25 and not back to work since her death will go. He is needing to be with other people then family, he needs to find him self a niche.

He was in therapy and wish he would go back. Decide to take two college classes this fall and get back into society.
But, my hugs and prayers are there for you. When the nosie she makes gets to you, can you tell her, I still love you no matter how the day is trying for both of us.
Only because I blame myself for not being more tolerant of De at those times I was streesed to tears. Also, I remember the last week she was with us, in the unit down in Phila. I gave her a hug and kiss goodbye. She told me how that made her feel not hated. She felt because we were stressed over her behavior we hated her.
Her step dad would actually get up and walk out of the room when she came in or the phone rang for the twenty-ith time that day, he rolled his eyes.

All he could say now is he did not understand how difficult her life was for her and for him to have been more tolerant and say kind supportive things even when it was tough.
We never knew what tomorrow was to give us.....
Love to you and a huge cyber hug.
di

[Mari]

Dear DiMarie,

You are a good mother and good to your daughter.
I hope that you don't blame yourself for very much or that if you do think like that, you only do it for a minute or two.
Mari

[horsenroun]

I can truly understand what you are going through, I have a 22 year old daughter who is bipolar and her meds do not have her stabilized yet. She attempted suicide twice and was just released today from the "Crisis Stabilization Unit".

I feel they let her out too soon as she has not even been put on a mood stabilizer only anti anxiety medicines to bring her down from the "mania" stage.

I asked the center where my husband and I could go to get help in dealing with her and setting appropriate boundaries and they recommended an Al Anon Support group....

We are going to try this tomorrow, but I don't really "get" the connection with Bipolar.

I hope this helps......

[DiMarie]

After having my experiance with my daughter, I felt so alone then, I just have this hyper emotion to wish the mental health field was what it should be. For Al Anon, I would only be guessing, but when a family has a member in crisis they must have a program to help us; structure, understanding our emtions, how help those we love.

That was my battle and anger the lack of real answers adn families with lack of support and winging it day to day living with stress and wanting so terrible bad to make the loved one have improvement.

When in crisis and calling for an ambulance, police, co-workers, showed up, jumped restrained, beat and threw in a crusier where she kicked a window i had to pay for. From my training, you have to handle things completly opposit. even if they told her, you know your Mom is a pain in the butt with you, you need a friend, what is it we can help you with.

I saw a mom and daughter in crisis outside my own psych appoint last week and just walked over to the gal while mom talked to see what they could do. From my professional experiance I realized she was in crisis and would not be OK for Mom to drive in a car alone. She could jump out adn likely would. so I sat and talked with ehr. she said I don;t know you what the hell do you want. I said nothing. I saw there was upset family and remember when I had a problem and no one listened and my daughter said we hated her and said it was all her fault, it wasn't. That I have a f's up problem, I am going to lsoe my job, and could use a friend. Even if a few minutes. did she want a piece of gum adn sit in my car. She asked if I could take ehr to lunh. I said if we can;t do it today I would love to do that. I feel like for some reason i was in that parking lot and we should be friends. She said why, I said why not.

I saw the PD a coworker that showed up and he understood my signal to stay back, and Mom to stay back. I told her I think that people were worried about ehr medications being screwed up and did she think so. She said there were things that everyone blamed her. We talked and I said not long ago I made the same call to help my daughter and it did not go well. That because she was not cooperative they jumped her and handcuffer her took her dignity.

I said to her they were my friends I use to drive the ambulanc, the girls name was Dianne like mine. I really would love to be a friend, and she is the best person take control of her situation. be brave and keep her dignity. Could she walk to the ambulance adn let Dianne take her down and get things figured out. (She was in law school when this flared) She smiled at me, asked for my gum and walked to the ambulance.

I was in the process of working with NAMI on certification for instructing police in handling responses to families with a crisis. The family needs someone, not a cop beating retrianing or escalating a good chance at de escalting the situation. Just be himan and care for heavens sake. Let people ahve their dignityl
When them came to my call, they charged my daughter down in the front yard I heard a lound BANG, I thought they shot her. It was a rock she threw in her car window because when I called for ambulance assist, I thought if they drove us down instead she would be calm and not jump out. Instead they escalated it and made me pee my pants in fear! I thought they killed her until I got down there.
I still will finish my training, it is a need law enforement and first responders need.
Sorry to get off topic, but I miss my daughter and if someone really cared, and really helped before she was dischaged without a plan or help she would still be alive. They gave her meds she was highly allergic to, I had her home one day.

I feel and totally understand and have such compassion for those in the mist of the life we live with challanging problems.
My prayers for you and hope that somewhere if it is Al Alnon, you find support and the one thing that helps.
But I care, know that
dianne

[Twinkletoes]

I have no pearls of wisdom, but am aching for you all.

Leaving gentle hugs for the room. :grouphug:

[naturewoman]

I'm new here, so I don't know where exactly to start. But, I'll just say I've been searching around for some kind of 'support group' to help me with my problems with my 19 yr old daughter...I went through similiar (still am) with my 23 yr. old son..but, I will just address my problems with my daughter..since, they're more recent..

I've had problems, for the past 1 yr. to 1 1/2 yrs..I know that this time of her life, is full of stressful events and changes..but, I've been patient and helped her. But, I do see now, I let some of her behavior go past me..but, recently they got worse and worse..until, the big 'blow up' 3-4 wks. ago..she ask me if I would come up (9 hr drive to see her before she started her 2nd yr of college)...our last visit, when she was off for summer break..was pretty good! but, the visit was horrible! went home 3 days earlier, as she disrespected me so badly! hurt me very much...I couldn't take it anymore..she realized she had hurt me, yet she doesn't even call me...to just talk, and not leave it like that..she actually ignores me now..and STILL IS disrespecting me? I don't understand IF she knew she was wrong, she knew she had hurt me..so, why would she NOT want to talk and make it right? the times we talked, was actually making progress..but, when I need to ask her things (since, we need to discuss financial things) but, as soon as it's uncomfortable or she needs to be respectful etc...she'll say she has to go, and turns her phone off? so, she's basically continuing her disrespect? why?

This really hurts me and she knows it...I rented a car for us, so we can go siteseeing..(and she wanted it)...but, yet she would use it to see her b/f..and I did allow her, because I understood 'young love'...but, now I see it was all out of disrespect for me..I ask her to take 1 quarter off, come home..and us get counseling, that's how bad it hurts..but, she wouldn't...I just don't understand..I was so upset/hurt, that when I got home..I tried to call her, so we can work it out, discuss it..and she wanted us to have a 'break'...I got so desperate, thought I was going to have a nervous breakdown..and told her, I needed her help..I really did..) and said, I felt SO BAD I thought I might have to check myself into a hospital..SHE still didn't want to talk to me??? this really hurt me more??? how can children do this? I went on antidepressants, because this is so hard to deal with...and it makes me upsets, that I have to do that...any advice, opinons, help??

thanks,

naturewoman

[bizi]

wow!
You are having problems with both of your kids....
I am not a mom so I don't think I can address your question...am sorry.
It sounds like your family could use some counseling.
Have you ever gone to see a professional therapist to get some insight?
You sound broken hearted.
bizi
:hug:

[Mari]

Dear Naturewoman,

I don't have any good suggestions.
I just want to send lots of hugs :hug: :hug: :hug:


Mari

[Vowel Lady]

It is my hope to someday help families with the needs mentioned here.
I totally "get it."
My heart goes out to you.
If anyone goes to the Al Anon meetings, please let me know how receptive and helpful they are.
Thank you.