Alffe's {{{{Hug}}} Thread

[BJ]

I had a feeling something was wrong. Alffe you've been too quiet. :hug:

I've been thinking about this all day at work and I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking of you and, more importantly, I hope that everyone can give Alffe a hug now. She's so kind and caring and offers her support so please let's all give her a big :hug:

((((abbie)))) please don't be sorry. It least you are talking about your feelings, that's more than I'm doing. I need to practice what I'm always preaching.

I've started rereading a wonderful book by Anne Lamott. It's called "Grace (Eventually) Thoughts on Faith" and she makes me feel like less of a failure, less of a phony and I have actually laughed out loud several times.

This truely is the place to talk about how you feel and I promise to do that, if you will.

I feel like a speed bump! Hugs for the room.:grouphug:

I couldn't figure out how to do a link but this is the best I can do.

[Spanish Moss]

My dear Alffe.....you know how much we love you ((((((Alpho)))))

Call/write/post....our shoulders can handle it

[Alffe]

Thank you BJ and Mrs.Moi....please do not worry..it's the same old same old.
I'm been down this road and I know how it ends. But I loved the hugs. *grin

[Shelley]

Had some Hugs for ya Alffe :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :D

[Wren]

:grouphug: : :winner_first_h4h: :Heart:
Thank you for always being here.
God bless and keep you.

[Alffe]

You know I just have to say that your support means so much to me and I am honestly trying to get over this. I was taught by my mother that if you can't say something nice...don't say anything at all! My year book said, "Nice to Know"....so it's hard for me to feel angry, to plan revenge (verbal of course) and while letting it "go" sounds like the right thing to do....I've spent my life "NOT" saying it...not expressing my thoughts, not saying ouch when someone hurt me.

We had a HORRENDOUS daughter in law...a controling, vicious ***** who my son was no match for...nor were Mr.Alffe and I. She won...but we all lost including her when Michael killed himself.

I can only talk about this in dribbs and pieces because I get so angry that I get to screaming...literally, in my car.

Ok....Wren, Abbie....let's really talk about what's really bothering us.
I love you all. :grouphug:

[~scrabble]

{{{{{Alffe}}}}} <---------(those are squeezer hugs) :hug:

I've been feeling angry about a certain someone from my past (who I can't just escape from .... since we share our kids) .... I fumed (inside) and vented (to others) and it was kinda nice when someone would see my side. I knew I had to do something but I didn't want to just 'blow up' because I didn't see how that would do me any good. It took awhile for me to mull things over and then to decide to deal with it. A few weeks went by (although this is a super busy time of year and the kids at my school will be on summer vacation at the end of this week - excuses, excuses) and I had put it off, but I knew it wouldn't just 'go away'. Finally I composed an email (around 2 am this morning!) because I knew I would feel better about it (and myself) if I could be assertive. (Not just b*tchy or whiney.) So I stated how I felt and I requested that he consider my concerns ..... and we shall see what happens next. I really was able to sleep better (but I sure could have used more than just 4 hours of sleep!)

Time for another cup of java before I hit the road to drive to work. I just cut some of my lavender so I can teach one of the teachers how to make 'lavender wands' by folding the stems over the buds and then weaving a ribbon through the stems to encase the fragrant buds. (I know, sounds confusing!)

:hug:

[Doody]

(((Alffe)))

Scrabble just said something that reminded me of how that very same thing helped me. I let it all hang out in a letter to the offending sperm donor of my daughter. It ended up getting him back in her almost good graces, and gave me a sense of satisfaction...he had every word I said coming, and more.

But then, I've always been one to mouth off when I'm ticked. Really ticked.

Yeah, what's her face is a *****. And so is her mom. But maybe you're holding back because you don't want to ruin a possible future with your new grandson. I'd feel the same way.

I dunno. Were I you, I'd make efforts to be able to see my grandson, being a part of Michael and all.

But what do I know. Pay no attention to me and just be you, because I like you just the way you are.

When I see you in the fall, you can let off steam at me to your heart's content and I will listen and then fix us both a drink. :hug:

[Alffe]

Thank you Scrabble for sharing that...I am impressed because you mulled it over and then DID something. It couldn't have been easy and you might not get the results you want but you took action.

I am still dragging my feet here. for one thing, I am not the only person involved...Mr.Alffe is in no mood for a reconciliation and has warned me that what ever decisions I make...they will be mine alone. ~sigh

And let's be brutally honest...it's easier to lick our wounds than take them to a "doctor". I am not criticizing him...we both lived it but I don't think I want to go the rest of the journey playing the role of victim.

Let me be quick to add that we ARE/WERE the victims. WWJD? I know, I know. That old saw forgiveness. :(

Hoping that more will share here...we can learn what works from each other.

[Alffe]

Thank you Doody...made me cry. I can't talk about it anymore right this minute because I'm too upset but I'll be back. :hug:

[Jo*mar]

soft warm hugs for all of you ....:grouphug::hug: :grouphug::hug: :grouphug::hug: :grouphug:

[bizi]

:Heart: :heartthrob: :Heart: :heartthrob: :Heart: :heartthrob:
bizi

[Lara]

"I've started rereading a wonderful book by Anne Lamott. It's called "Grace (Eventually) Thoughts on Faith" and she makes me feel like less of a failure, less of a phony"

:hug:

Well...

alffe, I know you might feel that you're a bit of a failure and a bit of a phony 'cause you said it, but deep inside you know you're not. At times you feel like a total failure not just a bit of a failure and it sounds as if that time is now. Sadly we're all so darn hard on ourselves sometimes. I guess it's human nature to load it all up on our own shoulders when that weight should really be shared.

We all know you're not a failure or a phony. I can understand why you're so hard on yourself sometimes, but it's warped thinking alffe. Your self perception is being guided by what others might have said or done in the past and of events that have happened in the past and are happening now and recently. I hope I'm not coming across in a nasty way by being blunt about it being warped thinking, but if you think back at other times when you were feeling a bit like this, were you overwhelmed then as well that you were a failure and a phony? It sounds as if it's something that you have learned over time... to beat yourself up for everything because you can't darn well solve it. We're used to being able to solve it all as women and mothers, but we just can't fix some things. Heck, don't I know it.

You are not a failure. You are not a phoney!

Edited to add: I felt I should perhaps clarify what I mean by "warped thinking". I don't mean weird or strange. I mean like a tree trunk that's bent or warped by the weight of living and of growing and by grief and loss particularly. I know far too much about warped thinking and how the mind works its little nasty tricks. Remember what Pter said about how our mind plays tricks on us... well that's how I see it too. I had more to say but now my mind has gone blank. darn it.

OK, I needed a kick start.
This is the beginning of the paragraphs posted above from Pter. "Our minds are quite manipulative particularly when cultivated by fear." I think about how OCD works its little path through people's lives when I read that too. There's a book called "The Imp of the Mind" and I love that title because even if one doesn't have OC tendencies, there is still that little imp in there that changes our way of thinking especially when we're afraid.

Heck now I've maybe said too much.

:hug: again

[Alffe]

I appreciated your call Biz...nice to know that I am not totally off the wall. :rolleyes:

I learned something new at lunch today. Right after Michael died, Mr.Alffe discussed getting therapy with his good friend who is/was a counselor and he told him. "Don't demean it. It is, what it is and nothing will change it."

So I looked up the word demean and it said "to lower it in dignity or standing".

Dignity????? Standing?? as in Michael was making a statement??
I don't understand how he could have said that...I just don't get it!

Ok...I am as tired of talking about me as you all must be of hearing it!!

Hugs for the room...I'm taking a break. :grouphug:

[Doody]

Tired of listening to YOU!? :p Oh contrare my dear. :hug:

[Curious]

:eek: :eek: :eek:

we are supposed to talk about our feeling?

:hug: :hug: :hug:

many hugs from your monkey buddy. sorry i haven't been around. only have a few more days until the house is auctioned. still don't know where we are going. maybe an ark? texas is flooding. raining bad right now again.

i will keep in touch by email to y'all. if you don't have my addy, pm me...or pass it around. :) some of you have my phone number. but rest assured...no matter what...i'll only be gone from here for a few days. the library has free internet. :p

[Curious]

I appreciated your call Biz...nice to know that I am not totally off the wall. :rolleyes:

I learned something new at lunch today. Right after Michael died, Mr.Alffe discussed getting therapy with his good friend who is/was a counselor and he told him. "Don't demean it. It is, what it is and nothing will change it."

So I looked up the word demean and it said "to lower it in dignity or standing".

Dignity????? Standing?? as in Michael was making a statement??
I don't understand how he could have said that...I just don't get it!

Ok...I am as tired of talking about me as you all must be of hearing it!!

Hugs for the room...I'm taking a break. :grouphug:

without knowing the guy...i can't say for sure what he meant.

michaels suicide was an impulsive action.

maybe he meant that michaels pain at that very moment was so great....that no matter what is said...no matter how hard everyone would try and make sense of it...( and i know you can't) would demean michaels life. his death is also part of his life. part of the whole package.

my brain is foggy dear alffe. i can't tell if i am getting across what i mean.

:hug:

[Wren]

Love to Curious and same to Al

[BJ]

Goodness this has turned out all wrong. This isn't what I thought would happen.

I'm so sorry for all the pain that I've caused you all. :o

Good job BJ :Bang-Head:

[CoolAngel26]

:grouphug: :hug: :hug: :grouphug:

I thought I'd contribute a few hugs.Sorry,I haven't been around,just haven't logged on much lately.I'm okay though..CoolAngel26

[Curious]

nope nope nope bj...you haven't caused pain.

you have created a thread of continual support. helped us open up. even if like me...it's just bits and pieces. :wink:

we are family. the best there is.

it's just hard sometimes to post everything. it sucks when we have to watch our p's and q's. wonder if an idiot family ( da blood type..not the ones who just love us like we all do here) member will invade our home away from home and read some snippet and take it wrong.

you gave us a spot to just hug and love alffe. did ya think we would stay totally on topic? :wink: :p we never do.

i shouldn't have posted about me. will update the wonderful thread kristin started.

:grouphug: group butt squeeze.

hey alffe..you can talk about me or who moi if you want to. :D

[CTenaLouise]

this is a hug'ogram from lavenderlou dear Alfeeee!

I just read the title of the post - haven't read it in depth yet..
sooooooooooooooo~
consider yourself well hugged!!! :hug:
:D

love, love, love - all we need is luv! *musical note
:grouphug:

[Chemar]

adding my :hug: here for you, dear Alffe

[shiney sue]

There can never be to many hugs,there just needed,so your
going to get them :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: Hugs Sue

[Lara]

BJ, you did the right thing! You didn't do anything wrong. :hug:

[BJ]

BJ, you did the right thing! You didn't do anything wrong. :hug:

Thanks Lara. I don't know why I just feel so terrible about this whole thing. It didn't turn out the way I had hoped. I guess I'm just not used to opening up and that's why I have such stomach problems. :( I keep everything inside and it festers and then I just lose it and do stupid things. June 12th was 20 years since Mark committed suicide and until I blurted it out here I didn't believe it happened. But now reality has sunk in...yes it did happen and yes I found him that morning.

i shouldn't have posted about me. will update the wonderful thread kristin started.


I hope you don't mean those words Curious. So, so many people care about all that you have going on right now and that's me included. I just can't find any words of comfort for what you're going through. But please know that I pray every night that God will see you through this :hug: and that's from my heart.

And that's what I wanted this thread to be about just like Kristin started.

[Lara]

BJ, I'm so sorry for all the pain.
You're all so very brave. Honest, you are.

[Addy]

:grouphug:
this is a hug for everyone

[~KELLWANTSANSWERS~]

{{{{{{alffe}}}}}}}}}}
Sending big hugs your way sweet lady!:grouphug: