Don't know

[BJ]

I can't even get my feelings to come out and I hate myself for it. :(

[Alffe]

Do not worry about how it "sounds"...just express it! No one here will judge youi....please know that it's ok....:hug:
"

[Lara]

Hi BJ,
I'm sorry you're feeling so lonely today. It's difficult for many of us to get our feelings out. Don't hate yourself for finding it hard, 'cause we don't think badly of you. :hug:

I just had a look at your cat sites again. I found them really informative. I think I'd read them before, but quite a long time ago.

Take care of yourself, BJ. When you're up to it your feelings will pour out. In the meantime just take it easy there. Sometimes it's just one hour at a time or one day at a time.

[Alffe]

Woke up with you on my mind BJ. Please know how many of us care and please just take one hour at a time. :hug:

bizi went back to Indy yesterday but will be here again, with both of her sisters on Saturday for a family picnic at my neices house. Your ears should be burning cause we talked about you. :D

[~scrabble]

Hi BJ,

Try to be kind and gentle with yourself. Dealing with feelings can be very difficult.

Do something nice for yourself today. :hug:

[KathyM]

Hi BJ :hug:

As the song goes, to everything there is a season. It's not necessary to force your feelings out, and it's not helpful to hate yourself for not performing on command. You don't have to perform for us. We know what it feels like to have scrambled thoughts.

Give yourself some time to relax and let it flow. It might give your brain the time it needs to round up the feelings that need to be expressed through your fingers.

[moose53]

I can't even get my feelings to come out and I hate myself for it. :(

((((((BJ)))))),

Don't hate yourself because you don't want to look at your feelings. That is *NOT* a character flaw. It's ... I was going to say "normal", but what the heck is that?? ... it's just everybody else feels, afraid.

Sometimes, sitting in a real quiet space ... and breathing real slow, and real deep ... will get the tears (and everything else) flowing. We tend to hold our breath when we're trying to control ourselves.

Oh, I found a message that I wrote to you and never posted. My computer must have crashed and I forgot what I was doing (AKA "senior moment") :p It looks like I wrote it on May 27th. I guess I need to see what else is hiding on my computer :o


((((((BJ)))))),

http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/huggiebears-mini.gif

You don't need to be forgiven for anything. It WAS NOT your fault.

You've got to remember, BJ, I've been on this journey many-many more years than you.

I attempted suicide 7 times. Into the psychiatric hospital twice. The first time that I went to the hospital, it had just been opened. There was only 10 patients and probably just as many staff members.

I woke up one night crying my eyes out. Went into the quiet room with one of the therapists. We sat on the floor on big pillows and he taught me how to breathe. I cried and cried. He said something to me that you need to hear too: "it was not your fault". I hope you can hear those words echoing down through the years to you.

Older sisters are not responsible for younger brothers. That's the parents' job. For some reason because of the closeness in years and because of the love that we had for our brothers, we felt like they were ours to take care of. That's not the responsibility of a child.

You know something, BJ, our reactions and love for our brothers shows that we were both blessed with amazing brothers. And we both have the capacity for incredible love.

What worked for me was learning all I could about suicide. So that I could understand WHY. And so that I would never-ever again take the same steps.

It took me a long time. And a lot of hard work. My brother came to me in a dream one night and told me I had to let him go.

You don't have to punish yourself anymore for things that you did not know or did not do when you were a child. Children don't have the knowledge or the skill or even the responsibility...

Read Rabbi Earl A. Grollman's books. He's an incredible man who's spent his whole life studying losses -- of every kind.

There are a lot of us who have the same pain in our hearts. Hold on tight:
http://chocolate-moose.p5.org.uk/MINIS/hands-together.jpg

BIG HUGS.

Barb


Hugs (and blessings).

Barb

[BJ]

I'm a failure. I'm weak in mind and spirit and if my mom could see me now she's probably turning over in her grave. I just need her to say BJ it will be okay.

I've been sitting in my yard all day even though there's 95% humidity. I took this pic of my Rose of Sharon. My mom and I planted this and she wanted me to have it. I won't go into the religious part of it but it means beautiful woman. I'm not feeling very beautiful right now.

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t291/BJ_Bucket/2007_07192007Summer0017.jpg

[Chemar]

:hug: BJ

you are a very precious and caring person .....and you so often encourage and inspire me so much with those special posts you make on the Sanctuary

I just wanted to let you know that you have been a real blessing to me and I know to so many others here too
:grouphug:
Cheri

ps your beautiful Rose of Sharon has blessed me too

[Doody]

(((BJ))) it will be okay.

My Rose of Sharon just started blooming as well.

:hug:

[Alffe]

And my Rose of Sharon is not blooming yet. *grin

BJ, it will be ok. Warm hugs

[BJ]

I don't know what's wrong with me and I'm scared and I can't be alone this weekend. I called my pdoc today and said please help me. And I'm ashamed because I started cutting again. If my mom knows this I'm sure she'll be so disappointed in me.

I spend so much time in my garden because my mom is there. She gave me this garden angel and told me that anytime I feel lonely to go out in my garden and she'll be there. But she's not. :(

http://i163.photobucket.com/albums/t291/BJ_Bucket/2007_07202007Summer0001.jpg

[Curious]

:hug:

we are all here for you bj.

i wish i could take the scareness away. i am very proud of you that you called your pdoc.

it will be ok.

that flower bloomed as a way of your mother telling you...it will be ok.

[Alffe]

She is there BJ and not just in the garden..she's in your heart. Try to think of all the good memories you have of her....and she'd understand about the cutting...it's momcat stuff! I'm glad you called the dr. I don't think you should be alone...please make plans...church, movie anything.

And talk here....we care. :grouphug:

[DMACK]

BJ

Every flower tells a story.......One of Beauty, Individuality, Perfection, and Creation.

In your photograph the angel has a white flower situated near the wing, Every year this flower will pass away but next year two will take its place.
Flowers are signs of immortality.


YOU WILL flower again,

As a survivor of suicide myself, i often wilt, my petals,.. more often than not drop off, and at time my appearance wouldn't win any Flower contest.[ so to speak] But each time i hit the ground,... like nature around me i crawl back up, and blossom at some point [some may say i'm like a perenial weed, but who gives a S**t]

Take care of you!!!!!! Let me know when your next in bloom.:) I'm counting on you.:hug:

[moose53]

((((((BJ)))))),


I spend so much time in my garden because my mom is there. She gave me this garden angel and told me that anytime I feel lonely to go out in my garden and she'll be there. But she's not.


Did I ever give you this link -->> Hello from Heaven (http://butterflywebsite.com/discover/bfliesandrainbows.cfm). Most of us that have experienced this have gotten a sign from a messenger. Your Mom told you EXACTLY where she would be when you needed her. You don't need to look for a sign :cool:

((((((BJ)))))), 'member when I told you the other day that those of us that carry so much pain in our hearts and in our souls have learned to hold our breath as a way of blocking the pain?? I suggested something that will help release the breathing and release the pain.

Did you ever think that maybe-maybe, BJ, you're being drawn to a place where your Mom said you could connect with her because this is THE PLACE where you will be able to be calm and quiet and BREATHE DEEPLY with the beautiful pink lungs that were given to you by G-d and your Mom (and your Dad too).

Honey, I've been on both sides of suicide too many times. Lost a brother, lost a boy friend, almost lost myself (in 7 attempts).

You can't stop the pain. You have to go through it.

You can't cut to stop the pain. I've never cut. I understand, though, that it's a way to release the pain. It won't work. You have to go through the pain -->> from the beginning to the end, by that I mean you have to experience it. Get your breathing under control and allow yourself to cry and to talk in the one place where your Mom told you she will always meet you.

When you get yourself into a calmer state, your Mom will come to you in your dreams. My Brother came to me and told me to stop trying to follow him.

Can you get yourself down on the ground?? If you can, get yourself a nice soft blanket and a pillow and box of Kleenex and a tall glass of ice water. Sit next to or in front of the statue and the flowers and BREATHE deeply. In and out. Think about what's hurting so much inside. Breathe. And remember. Breathe and think. Picture your head laying in your Mom's lap with her hand stroking your forehead. BREATHE until you cry, honey.

You're not a disappointment. You're not a failure. You're hurting and you don't know how, or you haven't learned how to let go of the hurt.

You know, BJ, that phrase "letting go", some people think it means never thinking about a loved one again. Some people think it means giving up all your wonderful memories. When you "let go", you only have to let go of the pain. Everything else can stay. It's like a handful of balloons on strings. You can pick through each individual string and pull out the collapsed balloons and keep the full ones. If that would help visualize what you need to, go to the five-and-ten and get some balloons and string and see how easy it is to let go of pain, once you realize that you don't have to let go of everything.

Hang on tight to us, ((((((BJ)))))). We understand what you're going through and we're willing to help.

Connect to your Mom, I know she can help through this. Close your eyes and picture her hand reaching down to embrace you.

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

[Lara]

I spend so much time in my garden because my mom is there. She gave me this garden angel and told me that anytime I feel lonely to go out in my garden and she'll be there. But she's not. :(

Oh gosh, I sure know what you mean.
BJ, I totally understand what you mean about her not being there. The thing is that as Alffe said, she lives in your heart and as horrible as it is during the really difficult times, it's just not possible for her to wrap her arms around you in the same way that she once did. I'm so sorry, but I don't even know your age or if you have other family or anything like that. I'm old in body but young in mind. Well, I'm not really OLD old, but I'm getting on a bit and the bones are a bit creaky, but you know what, when things are really really bad, the one thing I want is for my mother to wrap her arms around me and take it all away. But, she can't.

There are times in my life when I think that losing a mother when you're young sort of stops a person from growing up in some ways. I know, people think it's the opposite. That if you have huge loss like that, then it makes you grow up faster. Well, it might make people strong and independent but there's always that child or young woman who didn't get to follow through on the mother daughter relationship and grow together. That might sound weird, but it seems as if it's left a mark on me that way. As if at times all I want is to to go back to being that child again with the mother and the father who kept me safe and loved me and that was all that I needed in the whole world and then everything would be alright.

When I was 4 years old, my mother died of cancer. I don't remember what she looked like. She was only 34 years old and apart from a couple of photographs that were given to me I don't even remember anything about her really. I don't remember what she looked like, how she walked, what she smelled like. Nothing. Obviously I must have remembered once, but that faded long long ago. What I do remember though is going looking for her after she'd gone. I too went to the garden looking for her. I couldn't find her anywhere and she wasn't there either, but I did find something else and it's actually helped me through the most difficult days and also the gentlest days for the past 50 years. I found her face. I see her face in every flower I ever see or touch. What I do find very helpful always is actually digging in the garden ... just cleaning it out or sorting it out and planting and taking the moment to see how beautiful everything is there. The similarities with what you wrote in your post and how it is / was for me is very moving for me. (((BJ)))

This of course doesn't help me so much with the grief and the longing. Even though I don't even remember her, I do know about the longing. BJ, you need to try to remember that your mother loved you. I'm certain that your mother would have worried about your future and how you'd get on in the world without her. The thing is that your mother can't make sure you're OK or can she say in words to you that you'll be OK. I do know one thing though, you, BJ, can make sure you're OK.

You can however work through this and the time to do that in my opinion is not when you're scared and lonely and in pain. The time to do that is when you're feeling safer and not lonely and are feeling stronger. The pain will never really go away, but you will come to a different place and probably like me, you'll still feel your mother's presence in the garden and that can envelop you. I have a good friend, my age, who lost her mother not too long ago and her mother made the most beautiful handmade quilts. What I suggested to her was to take out the most treasured quilt and to wrap herself in it when she was lonely and sad. She finds great comfort in that.

Well, I've almost written a book here, I'm sorry.
I hope you're asleep right now or at least resting. I hope you're alright tonight. I wish you weren't alone and I wish you weren't scared. I hope you can find the strength to call someone or have someone come over to just be around. I don't necessarily mean for them to come over to talk about really serious things with you right now. Just someone who can help make you feel safe and more secure... some companionship.

I'm so sorry for your pain, BJ. I really am. :hug:

[Alffe]

This forum is just filled with the most incredibly understanding people. I feel so blessed to have you all in my life.

BJ, I woke up with a prayer on my lips for you. Warm hugs.

[Chemar]

(((BJ))) my thoughts and prayers are with you, and I especially pray that you can feel your mom's love for you and God's arms wrapped around you and her forever

It will be ok BJ

you have come so far already :hug:

just rest a while and try to find a peaceful place inside you.... and outside in your beautiful garden sanctuary

Lara and Barb spoke so touchingly to my heart too of being able to breathe and find that place of respite in the garden....I pray you will find it BJ

:grouphug: for you and all the precious, caring members of this room

[Curious]

hello dear bj :hug:

i have to ditto alffe. woke up this morning thinking of you. sent up moring prayers for you while i had my coffee. :D i know the extra jolt will send those prayers up like a rocket!

we aren't your mother...but we are your sisters and brothers. we give lots of love and awesome hugs. we will always be here for you...for better or worse. no divorce here. :wink:

i pray that you have an ok..peaceful day.

:hug:

[KathyM]

BJ

I agree with Moose about allowing yourself to go through the pain. It's called mourning, and unfortunately it's a part of life we all have to experience - well, most of us.

It tore me apart to lose my life-long best friend. She was the only person I trusted. It tore me apart to lose my father. He was the only man I trusted (til I met Ray).

I allowed myself to cry and moan over my loss. When my best friend died, my ex-husband gave me the opportunity to get angry, yell and scream too. He came over to "console" me, but really only wanted a little action for himself and told me to stop crying because "I'd get over it." My neighbor used to tease me saying she thought his name was "Get the F outta my house!!" My ex is now claiming credit, saying he knew all along it would be good for me to get out my frustration and anger over losing my best friend.

When my father died, my husband was supportive - even cried with me. He also allowed me to resolve my issues with my deceased mother. I would sometimes get overwhelmed with grief (or anger) over their loss - something would trigger their memory, and it would cause painful emotions. I'd go to the cemetery or other special place (like your garden) and talk with them - or cry.

Over time, their memory no longer caused pain. Instead, I allowed the good times we had together - or even bad times we got through together - to enter my mind. Their memory would bring a smile to my face - being grateful I was allowed to share a bit of my life with them and carry the memory forever.

When you're in pain, go back to a time when your mother was there to ease your pain. Allow yourself to feel that comfort again because the love she gave you never died.

[Doody]

Oh BJ, I am just shocked at your last picture. I think I told you I have a Rose of Sharon exactly like your's. Well...I TOO have an angel in the exact same spot that your's is!!!!

Now you'll think I've lost my mind here... My sister also liked Rose of Sharon, hence mine in my garden with the angel in front of it. Just the other day I was watering my plants (I talk to them :D ) and I leaned over the angel to look closely at one of the blooms. I started talking to it telling it how beautiful it was and thanked it. At that time, I felt a gentle tap and squeeze on my butt cheek. LOL I'm not kidding.

My sister used to pat my butt and give it a hard squeeze. All in my head? Could be. :hug:

You WILL get better. Keep talking to us, and I'm SO glad you called your pdoc. If he's as good as mine, he listened and helped.

[Doody]

:circlelove: Hey BJ! From my angel and Rose of Sharon to you and your's. :hug:

http://s13.photobucket.com/albums/a280/nancydoody/Other%20pics%20for%20fun/100_1474.jpg

http://s13.photobucket.com/albums/a280/nancydoody/Other%20pics%20for%20fun/100_1475.jpg

[BJ]

I'm fighting it. I cutted again this morning and I have no idea why I'm doing it. I'm just hurting inside and I can't make it stop. I don't want to go into the hospital again but I'm teetering. I'm getting very tired and my mind is shutting down.

I'm sitting here in tears from all the warmth and understanding. I'm going to print it out and take it outside with me. I just need to be near my mom. :hug: And I know deep down she's out there and wanted me to have that statue for a reason.

Thank you all so much for helping me through this. I don't have my mom or dad but I'm so thankful I have you guys. :hug: But when it gets dark that's the hardest part.

[BJ]

Oh gosh Doody that is scary. It looks just like mine. I'm glad you find peace there Doody. People don't understand that sometimes your loved ones leave a message and do things for a reason. I'm so glad that you find your sister there. :hug:

[Lara]

Wow, Doody! That's just totally amazing to see those flowers side by side there. Thanks for posting yours as well.

BJ, good to see you posting today. Please do go to the hospital if you feel that you need to do that. (((BJ)))

[moose53]

You guys are lucky to have such beautiful flowers and gardens.

My Mom used to have an incredible green thumb. We had beautiful gardens in Massachusetts before we moved. White roses -- exquisite.

When we moved down South to follow my Dad's work, she took as many of the flowers as she could. She couldn't take the lilacs or the white roses because the plants were too big.

You know, in the South you have a much longer growing season. My goodness, she planted the flowers so that as soon as one ended its season, another came right up next to it. There were flowers growing just about 10 months out of the year.

I, unfortunately, did not get the green thumb. I forget plants are outside and forget to water them. Inside, though, I can grow nice plants. I used to have a wax plant that was grown from seed -- pretty white crosses with pink centers and waxy green leaves. My Grandmother was jealous, because she could never get her wax plant to flower. I guess they have to be extremely pot-bound to flower. Now, I've got silk plants because my kitties cannot be trusted with real plants in the apartment.

((((((Doody)))))), that tap on the butt. That's what I was talking about when I gave BJ the website the other day: Hello from Heaven (http://butterflywebsite.com/discover/bfliesandrainbows.cfm). You'll learn how to see how often they're communicating with us. Most times we're so hectic and racing around that we don't pay attention to what's really happening around us.

I told a woman on another forum about that website a couple of years ago. A Christmas cactus that had been a gift to her Mother had never-ever bloomed. After her Mother took her next steps, the Christmas cactus bloomed way off season and for a long time.

Everybody that I talk to experiences this. It's so amazing. Usually what you see is a small animal or a small insect, like a butterfly, behaving very differently. Sometimes plants. Sometimes, you hear a sound or smell a scent. Just a couple of weeks ago, I smelled my Mom's bath powder -- very strong -- for a couple of hours. I don't have the stuff in the house, never have, I don't like the smell of it :p So amazing.

((((((BJ)))))), I hope you can get yourself into a place where your Mom can find a way to contact you. I just know that that will help so much.

All of the ancient peoples believe that there's something more. The Egyptians. The Chinese. The first Americans. It's not reincarnation, it's another realm that they are sometimes able to communicate from.

((((((BJ)))))), I know how hard it is to miss a brother and a Mom. It takes a lot of hard work and time and tears until you get to the place where the memories are stronger than the pain. Then you start to heal. It's a different amount of time for everyone.

It took me over 13 years to start to heal after my brother's suicide. What helped was a young, handsome :o male therapist telling me that "it was not my fault". I believed him. I started to cry. And, I started to heal. I was lucky, too, that my husband stood by me, even though he didn't have a clue as to how much pain I was in. Just his being there helped.

BIG HUGS for everybody. And an extra :hug: for BJ.

Barb

[Alffe]

BJ honey or as Bizi would say, girlie. I only have a minute on here because all my girls are home for an overniter and we're going to get in the hot tub with a mudslide or two.

I'm worried about you being alone and feeling the way you do. I think you should go to the hospital where you can be looked after and won't be by yourself.

Please know that I care deeply about what you are feeling and there is no shame in reaching out for help when you are in need. :hug:

[DMACK]

Hi BJ

In 1992, in the depths of despair i cut my wrist so badly i severed my Median nerve, and tendons to thumb an three fingers. 15 years on i have no feeling in my hand bar one finger, and have constant pins and needles/elecrtric shock type pain. Please stop cutting i dont want lasting physical pain for you.

Tomorrow go on YOU TUBE type in Celion Dion/Immortality....I've just listened to that song and my father is sat here right next to me [ he, is probably telling me to go to bed, but he is with me....GREAT FEELING]

This time will pass..................

[Lara]

Dear BJ,
I also hope you do go to the hospital if you're feeling so bad. I'm so very concerned about you feeling the way you are while you're totally alone there and so scared.

:hug:

[~scrabble]

Hi BJ :hug:

I wanted to let you know that I'm around tonight and I'm thinking of you.

I'll check in again a bit later and you can PM me if you would like to chat.

It is raining here and I'm wearing cozy PJ's. I'm going to watch a DVD movie while I work on my knitting. (socks for my dad) First I'll make a cup of tea ... and one for you too. :winky:

c|_| ~~~

(does that look like a cuppa tea?)

[~scrabble]

Hi BJ,

I'm just checking in ....

I hope you stop by to say 'hi' tonight, although I don't know your time zone and how late it is for you now. (It is about 9:30 pm for me.)

I'm watching 'Stranger Than Fiction' .... which is kinda strange ....

I'm taking a 'time out' to get some munchies. Would you like some popcorn?

:hug:

[~scrabble]

I'm back again ...

'Stranger Than Fiction' is actually better ... and not so strange now.

Earlier today I went to the bookstore to pick up the new Harry Potter book which I had ordered for my son's upcoming birthday. He is away at camp for another week and I know he'll be happy to have the book to come home to.

I am about 1/2 way through knitting one sock for my dad. The top edge looks a bit too 'ruffly' so I think I'll have to turn it under and stitch it down once I'm finished knitting it. I'm using thicker yarn so I think it will end up looking like a slipper/sock.

Now I'm nibbling some honeydew melon.

I hope you are doing OK, BJ. How are your cats?

I got to play with a friend's kitty for a bit today and then I had cat fur on my black dress for the rest of the day! Oh well.

I hope you have a good rest tonight. I'm sending positive thoughts your way.

:hug:

[~scrabble]

I'm off to bed ........

:grouphug:

[Addy]

Nice to read you Scrabble!

BJ - did you know that Scrabble and I live in the same country/time zone - we often enjoy (;)) the same rain storms!

BJ... I hope you are feeling better... why don't you start a new thread with an update for us all?

:grouphug:

[~scrabble]

*womanwaving @ Addy :hug:

Hi BJ,


I like Addy's idea and I hope you do start a new thread with an update on how you are doing.

There are a lot of us who care about you. :grouphug:

[BJ]

I'm defeated. My pdoc is admitting me in to the hospital. I'm bit from mosquitoes, burnt to a crisp from sitting outside and I need help. I can't go through one more night like this. I'm so tired I'm hallucinating.

I feel like such a failure and I thought I could do this on my own but it's out of control.

thank you for being here for me. I'm sorry I didn't come back but I was trying so har d to sleep I took 6 sleeping pills. My pdoc will only give me so many at a time but it did nothing. I can't shut it off. I'm so tired. But I don't feel like I can contro it anymore. :( I want to go to heaven to see my mom and dad and if I do "it" I won't.

It's so embarrassing for me. I'm usually so strong but I don't know what's wrong . There's no embarrassed mood icon and if there was that would be me. :o

[Alffe]

You are a winner dear girl...I'm so proud of you for going in for help. It's the right thing to do! And it will be ok BJ...honestly it will. :hug:

[~scrabble]

BJ .... :hug:

I'm glad you came by to post and I want you to know how strong I think you are because it takes strength to take action when you are feeling the way you do. It really is great that you recognize you need help from your doctor.

I agree with Alffe, I think it will be OK for you. :hug:

I hope you get some much needed rest and that you get good care at the hospital.

I'm sending positive thoughts and prayers ....

take care

[KathyM]

(((BJ)))

I'm sorry this has been so hard on you, but you know in your heart your mother would not want you to join her in that manner. You may be feeling defeated, but at least your survival instincts are still intact. It sounds like a wise choice to give your mind/body a little reprieve from all of this. I hope it will bring you closer to finding peace of mind. :hug:

[Chemar]

((((BJ))))
it is NOT failure to admit you need help...it is strength!!:hug:

I know that they recently changed your lithium dose and am so wondering if maybe that could also have played a part in what you are suffering...I know that even subtle changes in meds can sometimes have very dramatic effects.

I pray that you will have good rest and recovery in the hospital BJ and I hope that they let you stay till you feel able to cope.

we love you BJ

Cheri

[moose53]

((((((BJ)))))),

http://img.photobucket.com/albums/v90/moose53/GIFS/huggiebears.gif

I'm glad you've gotten yourself into a safe place. That's not a failure; that's smart.

Let us know when you get back, we've got a :grouphug: planned for you :)

BIG HUGS (and love).

Barb

[Curious]

:hug: bj dear heart, you are doing the right thing. getting the help you need. sometimes it is best to let go and let somebody else take charge. your pdoc is doing what is best for you.

sending you lots of choccy, hugs and love.

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

[bizi]

Dear Girlie,
Just thinking of you tonight...jsut got home.
Thank you for the hug delivered by alffe....it was a great hug!
sending good thoughts your way for a safe return home when you are ready.
I agree...changes in your bipolar meds can definately affect your whole being...
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[who moi]

hang on tight...it is hard...but it will get better...the cycle is tough, but it IS what it IS, a CYCLE.

Ride over the hump and you'll be back again readying for the next ride...

I know, none sense from Mr. Moi...LOL

how's bout just (((HUGS)))

:hug:

[~scrabble]

thinking of you, BJ ...... :hug:

I hope things are going better for you.

[BJ]

This is the first chance I've been able to get to the computer. My pdoc has me really knocked out and I've been sleeping a lot, which I needed. My electrolytes are all out of whack which is compounding everything. It's no surprise that I'm suffering from extreme exhaustion and dehydration. I've been on IV fluids and ABs for the dehydration and mosquito bites. I didn't even realize it but I was bit over 100 times. And with West Nile in the area they're being cautious.

I don't know how long I'm going to be here. First I have to recover from the physical part and then we can work on what's going inside of my head. I'm still suicidal and can't be left alone, and I know that. But I did say something today at counseling which totally shocked me.

But right now I'm extremely tired but I wanted to pop on here and thank each and every one of you for getting me through this. Even though I didn't have the energy to reply, I took each word to heart and I think I might have done "it" long before. I know the hardes t part is to come, finding out what's going on inside. But knowing that there are people pulling for me makes me feel not so alone.

My mind and body may be burnt but not my heart. I did what I could but I couldn't control it. And I hope you don't feel any less of me for that. :o

I'm so tired in body and spirit. I love you each and every one of you and you're all very special to me and I'll always hold a special place for you in my heart. :circlelove:

[~scrabble]

Hi BJ,

I'm so glad you were able to come by and let us know how you are doing now. You've been on my mind. :)

I leave tomorrow for holidays for 2 weeks so I probably won't be around on here and I was grateful to see you had posted today.

My goodness you've been through the wringer! :hug: Over 100 bites - yikes!! :eek: I'm glad you are getting some much needed sleep now.

No way do I feel any less of you ... it is just the opposite. I admire you for recognizing you really needed to seek help and that you followed through on doing it. It is also good to hear that you know you can't be alone now so that you can stay safe. I hope you have some good counselors so you can feel it is OK to talk to them about what you are feeling and thinking.

Keep up the good work in taking care of yourself. I truly think your mom is feeling proud of you for doing just that.

:hug:

[Curious]

:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

what a joy to log on and find find a post from you bj. you have been in everyone's thoughts and prayers.

i am so glad they found out about the electrolytes. even just low magnessiom can cause depression.

take care bj. thank you so much for checking in. :hug:

[Alffe]

Oh dear BJ...It's so reassuring to hear from you...makes this old heart beat a little faster just knowing that you are safe and getting the help you need.

Going in for help was the right thing to do and it's going to be ok. We are always going to be here for you. :hug:

[bizi]

Dear Girlie,
Thank you for stopping by with your post.
You are very brave in facing yourself....
So glad to hear that you are safe and being well cared for.
100 bites!
Ouch....do they itch badly?
thanks again...we worry about you.
((((HUGS)))):Sick:
Rest and Get well soon.
bizi

[Doody]

Oh BJ!!!! I am so thrilled to see you post. What a relief.

It sounds as though you are feeling comfortable with what you are doing and I'm so glad you went for help.

My prayers for you to get well and move forward. We've really missed you! :hug: :hug: :hug:

[FeelinGoofy]

B.J. :hug:

Its so good to hear from you... You hang in there.... We are pulling for you.
You've taken the first step in getting better and I know it wasn't easy.
100 mosquito bites????? :eek: i despise mosquitos!!!!! I'm so glad you are finally getting the rest you need. I'll remember you in my prayers...
vicky

[Alffe]

I just wanted to leave you a hug this morning BJ. :hug:

[BJ]

http://www.inspiringthots.net/movie/godisthere.php

And I'm hoping and praying that this too will end. I'm a sparrow God so please feed me.

Why can't I get it through my head that my mom is gone. I'll never see her again, she'll never call me, I'll never feel her arms around me saying "BJ it'll be okay". I need to hear that, I need my mom.

As I go to sleep tonight, God please hear my prayers. I'm praying that you will give me the wisdom and insight to understand why. I'm praying that you'll give me the strength and courage to carry on without her.

Im praying that you will watch over all my friends at NT. :hug: Keep them surrounded in your loving arms and nourish them with you love. I'm so so tired. Please, I'm begging you to help me understand.

[Lara]

(((BJ)))

You're very, very brave - although you probably don't think you are right now.
I hope you get some rest tonight.

[Chemar]

(((((((((((((BJ))))))))))))))))

I am so glad you are in a safe place with people who are looking after you.

with lotsa love for you and many prayers lifted.

Cheri

[Alffe]

I am adding my prayers to yours BJ and sending you hugs. :grouphug: