View Full Version : Funny Stuff
10-02-2006, 11:12 AM
They live among us ....................
1. WILL THE REAL DUMMY PLEASE STAND UP?
AT&T fired President John Walter after nine months, saying he lacked intellectual leadership. He received a $26 million severance package. Perhaps it's not Walter who's lacking intelligence.
2. WITH A LITTLE HELP FROM OUR FRIENDS:
Police in Oakland CA spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.
After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line shouting, "Please come out and give yourself up!"
3. WHAT WAS PLAN B???
An Illinois man, pretending to have a gun, kidnapped a motorist and forced him to drive to two different automated teller machines, wherein the kidnapper proceeded to withdraw money from his own bank accounts.
4. THE GETAWAY!
A man walked into a Topeka KS Kwik Stop and asked for all the money in the cash drawer. Apparently the take was too small, so he tied up the store clerk and worked the counter himself for three hours until police showed up and grabbed him.
5. DID I SAY THAT???
Police in Los Angeles had good luck with a robbery suspect who just couldn't control himself during a lineup. When detectives asked each man in the lineup to repeat the words: "Give me all your money or I'll shoot," the man shouted, "That's not what I said!"
6. ARE WE COMMUNICATING???
A man spoke frantically into the phone: "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart." "Is this her
first child?" the doctor asked. "No!" the man shouted, "This is her husband!"
7. NOT THE SHARPEST TOOL IN THE SHED!
In Modesto CA , Steven Richard King was arrested for trying to hold up a Bank of America branch without a weapon. King used a thumb and a finger to simulate a gun. Unfortunately, he failed to keep his hand in his pocket.
8. THE GRAND FINALE!!!
Last summer down on Lake Isabella , located in the high desert an hour east of Bakersfield CA , some folks new to boating were having a problem. No matter how hard they tried, they couldn't get their brand new 22 foot boat going. It was very sluggish in almost every maneuver no matter how much power they applied. After about an hour of trying to make it go, they putted into a nearby marina, thinking someone there may be able to tell them what was wrong. A thorough topside check revealed everything in perfect working condition. The engine ran fine, the out -drive went up and down, and the propeller was the correct size and pitch. So one of the marina guys jumped in the water to check underneath. He came up choking on water, he was laughing so hard. (NOW REMEMBER.. THIS IS TRUE.) Under the boat, still
strapped securely in place... was the trailer!
10-02-2006, 12:00 PM
Condor: Thanks for the really funny stories. They brightened my day. Lil
10-02-2006, 03:33 PM
Condor is back and he's in fine shape! :D
10-02-2006, 03:40 PM
Condor is definitely back!! Tooo funny. We need this no doubt. Thanks.
10-02-2006, 08:01 PM
thx for the laughs!.....and maybe the good lord really loves stupid people.....why else would he have made so many of them?
10-02-2006, 10:32 PM
glad to see the funnies will start back up......i will join in soon....................:)
10-03-2006, 10:57 AM
A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...
She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers.
As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender . "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
10-05-2006, 01:57 AM
Thanks very funny. People in real life situations can be hilarious.
10-05-2006, 04:09 AM
Big hugs to you and your wife! I am so glad your doin well.
10-05-2006, 08:58 AM
> > A very elderly gentleman, (mid nineties) very well
> > dressed, hair well groomed, great looking suit,flower
> > in his lapel smelling slightly of a good after shave,
> > presenting a well looked-after image, walks into an
> > upscale cocktail lounge. Seated at the bar is an
> > elderly looking lady, (mid eighties).
> > The gentleman walks over, sits alongside of her,
> > orders a drink, takes a sip, turns to her and says,
> > "So tell me, do I come here often?"
> > <><><><><><> <>
> > An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for
> > a number of years.
> > He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have
> > him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the
> > gentleman to hear 100%.
> > The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the
> > doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is
> > perfect. Your family must be really pleased that you
> > can hear again."
> > The gentleman replied, "Oh, I haven't told my
> > family yet. I just sit around and listen to the
> > conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
> > <><><><><><><>
> > Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement center were
> > sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the
> > other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm
> > just full of aches and pains. I know you're about
> > my age. How do you feel?"
> > Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
> > "Really!? Like a newborn baby!?"
> > "Yep. No hair,no teeth, and I think I just wet my
> > pants."
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
> > Keep Reading
> > A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
> > "So I hear you're getting married?"
> > "Yep!"
> > "Do I know her?"
> > "Nope!"
> > "This woman, is she good looking?"
> > "Not really."
> > "Is she a good cook?"
> > "Naw, she can't cook too well."
> > "Does she have lots of money?"
> > "Nope! Poor as a church mouse."
> > "Well, then, is she good in bed?"
> > "I don't know."
> > "Why in the world do you want to marry her then?"
> > "Because she can still drive!"
> > ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
10-05-2006, 10:27 AM
thanks claudia just what the Doctor ordered for today, laughter!:D
10-06-2006, 09:17 PM
hey you guys.....lay off with the old people jokes, willya?.....i'm going to be an official old person later this month! (60th birthday, yuck!).....at least i think it's this month.....my memory's not what it used to be.....then again, my memory's not what it used to be.
10-13-2006, 01:42 PM
The room was full of pregnant women, with their partners. The Lamaze class
was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly,
and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurances to their partners at
this stage of the pregnancy.
She said: "Ladies: remember that exercise is GOOD for you. Walking is especially
beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier!"
She looked at the men in the room. "And gentlemen, remember: you're in this together.
So it wouldn't hurt you to go walking with your partner"
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information. Then a man
at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" asked the teacher.
"I was just wondering," the man said,
"is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
10-13-2006, 01:47 PM
LOUISIANA GHOST STORY
> >> This happened about a month ago, just outside of Cocodrie, a little
> >> town in the bayou country of Louisiana, and while it sounds like an
> >> Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's real.
> >> This out-of-state traveler was on the side of the road, hitchhiking
> >> on a really dark night in the middle of a thunderstorm. Time passed
> >> slowly and no cars went by. It was raining so hard he could
> >> hardly see his hand in front of his face.
> >> Suddenly he saw a car moving slowly, approaching and appearing
> >> ghostlike in the rain. It slowly and silently crept toward him and
> >> stopped.
> >> Wanting a ride real bad, the guy jumped in the car and closed the
> >> door; only then did he realize that there was nobody behind the
> >> wheel, and no sound of the engine to be heard over the rain.
> >> Again the car crept slowly forward and the hitchhiker was terrified,
> >> too scared to think of jumping out and running. The guy saw that the
> >> car was approaching a sharp curve and, still too scared to jump out, he
> >> started to pray and, begging for his life, he was sure the ghost car
> >> would go off the road and into the bayou, and he would surely drown!
> >> But just before the curve a shadowy figure appeared at the driver's
> >> window and a hand reached in and turned the steering wheel, guiding
> >> the car safely around the bend. Then, just as silently, the hand
> >> disappeared through the window and the hitchhiker was alone again.
> >> Paralyzed with fear, the guy watched the hand reappear every time
> >> they reached a curve. Finally the guy, scared to near death, had
> >> all he could take and jumped out of the car and ran to town.
> >> Wet and in shock, he went into a bar and, voice quavering, ordered
> >> two shots of whiskey, then told everybody about his supernatural
> >> experience.
> >> A silence enveloped and everybody got goose bumps when they realized
> >> the guy was telling the truth (and that he wasn't just some drunk).
> >> About half an hour later two guys walked into the bar and one says to
> >> the other, "Look Boudreaux, ders dat idiot that rode in our car
> >> when we waz pushin it in the rain."
10-22-2006, 01:10 PM
The Curtain Rods
She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases.
On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things.
On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table by candlelight, put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of Chardonnay.
When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the curtain rods.
She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out.
Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned.
Air fresheners were hung everywhere.
Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which they had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.
Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
Repairmen refused to work in the house...
The maid quit...
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move.
A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually, even the local Realtors refused to return their calls.
Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house.
She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home terribly, and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back...
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the hour, his lawyers delivered the paperwork.
A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home...
..including the curtain rods.:D
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU??
10-22-2006, 06:27 PM
here is a way to carve your own pumpkins..............
10-22-2006, 06:28 PM
It has been scientifically proven that if we drink 1 liter of
water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli bacteria found in feces, in other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop.
We do not run that risk when drinking beer (or rum, whiskey, vodka, wine, or other liquors) because alcohol has to go through a distillation process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
WATER = Poop
BEER = HEALTH
FREE YOURSELF OF POOP ... DRINK BEER
It is better to drink beer and talk **** than it is to drink water and be full of ****.
There is no need to thank me for this valuable information, I am doing it as a public service and because I have a kind heart
10-22-2006, 06:29 PM
The new priest is nervous about hearing confessions, so he
asks the older priest to sit in on his sessions. The new
priest hears a couple confessions, then the old priest asks
him to step out of the confessional for a few suggestions.
The old priest suggests, "Cross your arms over your chest,
and rub your chin with one hand......and try saying things like,
'I see', 'yes', 'go on', and 'I understand'."
The new priest crosses his arms, rubs his chin with one hand
and repeats all the suggested remarks to the old priest.
The old priest says, "Now, don't you think that's a little
better than slapping your knee and saying
"No ****?.... what happened next?"
10-23-2006, 08:07 PM
An old country preacher had a teenage son, and it was getting time the boy should give some thought to choosing a profession. Like many young men, the boy didn't really know what he wanted to do, and he didn't seem too concerned about it.
One day, while the boy was away at school, his father decided to try an experiment. He went into the boy's room and placed on his study table three objects:
* a Bible,
* a silver dollar, and
* a bottle of whiskey.
"I'll just hide behind the door," the old preacher said to himself, "and when he comes home from school this afternoon, I'll see which object he picks up. If it's the Bible, he's going to be a preacher like me, and what a blessing that would be! If he picks up the dollar, he's going to be a businessman, and that would be okay, too . But if he picks up the bottle, he's going to be a no-good drunkard, and, Lord, what a shame that would be."
The old man waited anxiously, and soon heard his son's footsteps as he entered the house whistling and headed for his ro om. He tossed his books on the bed, and as he turned to leave the room he spotted the objects on the table. With curiosity in his eye, he walked over to inspect them.
Finally, he picked up the Bible and placed it under his arm. He picked up the silver dollar and dropped it into his pocket. He uncorked the bottle and took a big drink.
"Lord have mercy," the old man whispered, "he's gonna be a Congressman!"
10-23-2006, 09:37 PM
ITALIAN BOY'S CONFESSION
"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose
The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi?"
"Yes, Father, it is."
"And who was the woman you were with?"
"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."
"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or
later, so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"
"I cannot say."
"Was it Teresa Volpe?"
"I'll never tell."
"Was it Nina Capelli?"
"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."
"Was it Cathy Piriano?"
"My lips are sealed."
"Was it Rosa Di Angelo, then?"
"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."
The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny
Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."
Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and
whispers, "What'd you get?"
"Four months vacation and five good leads."
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