BJ............

[Alffe]

Just leaving you another hug....:hug: We're here for you dear girl.

[Abasaki]

:hug: :hug: BJ:hug: :hug:

[FeelinGoofy]

I've been thinking about you to BJ....
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}
vicky

[~scrabble]

:hug: I'm wondering how you are doing and I hope you are well.

[BJ]

I'm sorry I haven't been able to get back on here for a while. My days turn into nights and then I don't know where I am. :confused: But I can't thank you all enough.

I had #6 today and another 3 next week, Mon, Wed and Fri. I've been talking and talking but I don't think I'm there. I signed myself out twice this week and got half way down the hall and turned back. I think I made a big mistatke because I'm not so sure this is helping me. I even told the anesthesiologist today if I don't do "it" you guys will. I'm shaking constantly and can't even write my name. I can't remember things that I should. My head feels like it's going to explode and I feel like my body is shaking inside.

ECt is not fun but I have to finish the last 3. I realize that I'm grieving, not only for my parents and Mark but for my life. That's why the name MeBP? I'm so worn out you have no idea. Fighting for your life is so tiring. It would have been so much easier ithe other way.

I love you guys so much you have no idea. This is my time to write to family and since they're gone, you are my family. And Vicky, I'm so sorry about the GB problems. I hope it's an easy operation for you. You're in my thoughts and prayers.

My eyes are closing so I'd better go and catch some more zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzs.

[~scrabble]

:hug:

BJ,

I'm glad you were able to stop by and post but I was sure hoping things would be going better for you than what you've written.

I had also hoped that you might have finished the series of treatments. Are you sure that you HAVE to finish the last 3 next week? I don't know anything about ECT so I don't know how it works and what is necessary but it doesn't sound good. Do you know if your symptoms (shaking constantly, poor memory, feeling so tired) are normal or expected?

:hug:

I think it is a positive that you realize you are grieving. It is not an easy process but it is an important one.

I do admire your continuing strength and willpower. You are right that fighting for your life is hard and I'm so glad you are doing it.

I hope you are getting some much needed rest.

[bizi]

Dear Girlie,
I am sorry....
that this is so hard for you...
am sorry that you are having this fight with grief...
am sorry that the treatments are giving you these side effects.
I am sorry that I can't give you a real hug because you need real hugs in your life...
(((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[Alffe]

Bj, I'm sorry that so far it doesn't sound like it's working for you. What do the drs. say in terms of giving it more time? Bizi posted this link in one of your threads...http://www.vnstherapy.com/depression/hcp/
and I wonder if it's worth discussing with your drs.? Have they heard of it?

Just a thought honey...I continue to pray for you and I know that you couldn't be trying any harder to get your life under control....I was so hoping ECT would be the solution and am still hoping that.

Please know how much you are admired in this struggle...Life is worth living! and you keep up the good fight...we're right here pulling for you. :grouphug:

[Bryanna]

Hey BJ!
SO good to hear from you :-))

I know nothing about ECT, but can only imagine how drained you feel. Your physical symptoms seem extreme, but not if you consider what the treatment is actually doing to your body. I assume that your doctors can see how shaky you are and would also assume that they are monitoring you very closely just like they do with all of the people who have this treatment. Just keep expressing yourself to them on how you are feeling and take nothing for granted!

Remember that the side effects are temporary so stay focused on the positive and by this time next week, the treatments will be done!

BJ, you are a survivor and you are on the path to a better, healthier life! You can do this!! We are all with you every single day without question ;-))

Many healing hugs to you!
Bryanna

[Spanish Moss]

Dear BJ....I think what you are experiencing is part of the side effects from the treatment ....I think they will probably pass with time.

Just like the terrible side effects some have with chemo when they are fighting for their lives...this is a fight for your life...and it is worth the fight.

Hang in there....I admire your courage and am glad you turned around before getting to the door. That time will come soon enough...in the meanwhile, stay the course!

[Doody]

I admire you too (((BJ))). And thank you so much for stopping in to keep us up to date. I've read up on ECT and the therapy Alffe links above. Maybe you could talk to your doctors about the other therapy.

Lots of love and prayers for you sweetie. :grouphug:

[KathyM]

((BJ))

It sounds so horrible for you, but it also looks like the final stretch for you. I'm hoping it's considered normal with this type of treatment. Most treatments are uncomfortable until real healing begins, so I'm hoping this is true for you too.

Stay open and connected to your docs during this time. We're all here rooting for you. :grouphug:

[BJ]

Just popping on for a second to share some good news.My insurance company approved the VNS. I'm sorry I didn't realize Bizi posted about it. When my pdoc told me two weeks ago I'd have to have maintenance ects I said no way am i having anymore once I get out. I had to put this in notepad and read it over and over because Im even having a hard time putting a sentence together. I'm hoping all these symtpoms go away.My memory is getting worse and worse with each one. After I got the news I instinctively picked up the phone to call my mom and realized I forgot the number and also that she's not here anymore.

So now it's 2 more and counting, one on Monday and one Wednesday. then Thursday they're taking me to the OR to put it in. It sounds scarey because they have to put it in my chest and run wires to my neck. And there's a lot of side effects especially with voice but this is my only hope. If I could only take anti-ds it would have been so much easier. She said it will constantly zap me but I won't know it's happening.

I'm not sure when I'll be able to get back on here because it's going to be a rough week with testing and treatments. Once they get it adjusted right my pdoc said I could go home. But there's a lot I have to agree to before that happens. But I don't want to go where I was. You have no idea how close I was. :o

today Im getting out for 2 hours. I've lost 18 pounds since I had my gall bladder out. My friend said I could go anywhere I wanted. So I said Friendlys for a nice big banana split. :D

{{{Alffe}}} even though I'll be in lala land on Thursday, just know that I'll be thinking of you. And I really hope you and Doody have a great time galvanting around.

Thanks to each and every one of you for sticking by me through this. :grouphug:

[~scrabble]

:hug:

Hi BJ,

You've been on my mind and I was glad to see you were able to get back on here again. :)

I saw what bizi had posted about the VNS and I thought it looked interesting. It sounds great that you have approval for it from your insurance company! I agree that it seems like a better option than maintenance ECT!

How wonderful that you have some time away today and that you'll be with a friend. 'Friendlys' sounds like a good place to go! I hope you enjoy everything about getting out, being with a friend, and having a banana split.

You are doing great, you really are, and the end is in sight. I wish you well with the rest of this week.

:hug:

[Addy]

My caring thoughts are with you :circlelove: dear (((((BJ)))))

[Lara]

Dear BJ,
Enjoy that big banana split today! Sounds good.

I'm also glad to hear you're having some time away from there today even if it's just for a couple of hours. You may not be feeling that way yet, but your post actually 'sounds' quite positive although I'm really sorry you're having such awful memory problems. That should settle down again soon hopefully. I wish you all the best for the VNS. You sure have a lot going on right now. :hug:

[bizi]

Hugs for you dear Girlie.
((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))
bizi:hug::hug::hug:

[Alffe]

You are in the middle of a very rough week BJ and I just wanted to remind you that we're thinking about you. :grouphug:

[Lara]

Yes, we are thinking of you. It is a big week indeed. I hope you're alright there.
:hug:

[~scrabble]

:hug: I hope things are going OK for you, BJ. Hang in there! :hug:

[Alffe]

Thinking of you today BJ and sending some love your way. :hug:

[~scrabble]

:hug: .... (looks like I'm just following Alffe around and giving hugs!)

[Alffe]

How's it going BJ? Thinking of you and your treatment...sending hugs and prayers. :hug:

[Doody]

(((BJ))) Prayers from me too all the way from Ms. Alffe's house. The vibes from here for you must be really strong! :hug:

[bizi]

Adding some more hugs....
(((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))
bizi:hug::hug:

[Curious]

adding some too bj

http://re3.mm-a10.yimg.com/image/309774325 (http://images.search.yahoo.com/search/images/view?back=http%3A%2F%2Fimages.search.yahoo.com%2Fs earch%2Fimages%3Fei%3DUTF-8%26p%3Dhershey%2Bhugs%26fr%3Db1ie7%26b%3D1&w=500&h=421&imgurl=static.flickr.com%2F240%2F459357289_c3474a2 ffa_m.jpg&rurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2F356034 50%40N00%2F459357289%2F&size=223.1kB&name=459357289_c3474a2ffa.jpg&p=hershey+hugs&type=jpeg&no=6&tt=168&oid=d6e77fde0ad0ab84&fusr=tini21&tit=sometimes+it%27s+just+what+we+need&hurl=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.flickr.com%2Fphotos%2F356034 50%40N00%2F&ei=UTF-8&src=p)

:hug:

[Lara]

Dear BJ,
Sending my thoughts as well. I know you probably haven't been able to check online at all but I hope you're feelling up to doing that in the very near future. :hug:

In fact I'll send a bunch of flowers from us all.

http://i156.photobucket.com/albums/t32/KBurra/images.jpg

psst: curious, is that a giant Hershey's?
I'd never heard of or seen or tasted a Hershey's chocolate until I went to USA and Spanish Moss gave me so many bags of Hugs and Kisses I thought I'd gone to chocolate heaven. lol

[Curious]

a hershey hug has both milk chocolate and white chocolate swirled. they have all kinds now. dark...with nuts...

:D it's as big as bj needs.

[Alffe]

my goodness there is a lot of chocolate here! :D You know of course that it is wrapped in love and positive thoughts for peace and good wishes.
And of course, love. :hug: :grouphug:

[FeelinGoofy]

I want to add my hugs and prayers for you to BJ
:hug:

[Doody]

Lots of love to you (((BJ))). Hoping and praying you are seeing brightness in your future.

[Alffe]

BJ, I'm leaving town early tomorrow morning for a week in New York city but I want you to know that I'm carrying you along in my heart. Hang in there. :hug:

[~scrabble]

:hug:

Hi BJ ....... I hope you are feeling much better than the last time I saw you post.

take care!

:hug:

[Doody]

Thinking of you and sending positive thoughts your way. Remember...everyone here cares about you and how you are doing.

:grouphug:

[BJ]

I'm so frustrated I had to have my password reset and I couldn't even remember my name. :(

I'm turned on but very uncomfortable. I feel every pulse going through my neck. I'm at the lowest voltage and it goes on for 30 secs and off for 5 mins. But I feel every one of them. I'm coughing my head off like I've smoked 3 packs a day but I never smoked a day in my life. But the biggest concern is I can't sleep with it. As soon as I lie down it feels like my throat is cut off. The only way I can sleep is with drugs. they told me I stop breathing when I sleep. Tomorrow I'm being hooked up to some machine. Tuesday I'm supposed to go to my mom grave and say goodbye. I don't know how I'm going to do that.

Is it working? Right now I have no idea because everything is so jumbled up inside. They told me they "told me" I still might need maintenance ECTs. I don't remember. I don't remember much anymore. I couldn't even remember where I worked today. I'm so disappointed so far and still waiting for the miracle.

I know this is not the wonder thread but I wonder if I can leave {{{HUGS}}} for the room.

[~scrabble]

:hug: (((BJ))) :hug:

I'm glad you got your password reset so you could come by and post.

I'm so sorry that you are experiencing difficulties with the VNS though. It certainly doesn't sound like a very good set-up if you can feel every pulse! I sure hope they can help you out with a machine so you can sleep without having your breathing stop.

Is Tuesday an anniversary for your mother's death? Can you go to her grave at another time if you aren't up for it on Tuesday?

You really have your plate full right now and I'm praying along with you for a miracle. I hope you have some 'real time' support.

I'm sending postitive thoughts your way, BJ. :heartthrob: And I hope tomorrow is a better day for you.

:hug:

[Wren]

((( BJ ))) My kitty, my very old kitty and I are both sending you hugs and the very best wishes. :hug:

[KathyM]

((BJ))

I wish there was another way. I hope and pray this works for you. I may not post to you every day, but I think and pray for you every day. :hug:

[BJ]

I should have put this in notepad first. My mind is a total blank right now. No Scrabble it wasn't the anniversary of my mom's death it was just I had to let go. And so far I haven't been able to. How do you say goobye to someone who reared you and gave you her heart and soul? No miracle has happened and I'm still trying to get adjusted to this and it won't happen over night if at all. I "think" I'm going home on Monday one way or the other with a lot of restrictions. But I have to trust myself and fight this off. I cough and can't breathe and I'm just so tired. I had a test done and I stopped breathing many times (I can't remember how many) during the night. I'm going to be turned up in a week or so but until then there's really no improvement. Maybe this will work maybe not but I'm trying. I'm just starting to lose hope that I made a big mistake. My memory and cognitive skills will never be like they were before. I'm worried about my job and everything I've worked so hard for. But this is supposed to be good.

I just want to leave {{{hugs}}} for the room and hopefully next time I post I'll have my kitty sitting on my lap.

[Doody]

(((BJ))) !!!!!

Thank god you posted. I was getting worried about you. Thank you so much for checking in.

You have no idea how proud and in awe we are of you. You're working very hard and you should be proud of yourself.

I can't imagine what you've been through, but I've been thinking about you every day. When I was very young, 18, I was a nurses' aide for a short while. My first stint was in psychiatric and I had to help with a lot of electric shock therapy. I remember talking to one young college student. She seemed kind of bewildered but doing good. And like you, she was having a hard time remembering things.

Please check in with us as often as you can when you go home. Everyone is here for you. And I can hardly wait until the day you post with your precious kitty on your lap. I bet she misses you so much, as have we.

Blessings and hugs and love dear girl. :grouphug:

[Alffe]

I think you're doing great BJ.....you're fighting with all your might to have a life worth living and I can't tell you how much I continue to pray for you on a daily basis.

Try to be patient with yourself....you're almost home and that kitty can hardly wait to be on your lap. It's going to get better! :hug:

[Chemar]

oh BJ I am sooo relieved to see your post tho sorry you are still struggling

hoping and praying it gets better BJ :hug: and that you and kitty will be together soon

lots of love
Cheri

[FeelinGoofy]

BJ,
I too pray for you every day.... I'm so glad to see a post from you. I'm sorry you are still having such a hard time, BUT like you said it takes time. :hug:
We're pulling for you!!!!! :grouphug:

[KathyM]

BJ

Maybe it would help to know you're not really saying good-bye to your mom, as in "it's over between us." You're saying good-bye to your painful memories of losing her, not the love she gave to you. Your fond memories of her are yours to keep forever, and it's meant to bring you joy and strength to keep on living. Your mother wants you to heal and enjoy the life she gave to you. That's what mothers do. :cool:

With all you've been through lately, you've proven your will to survive. I continue to pray the treatment will be effective and helpful for you. :hug:

[bizi]

Dear Girlie,
Getting ready to go home must be a great feeling but kind of scarey to....I am very glad that you will still have your kitty to comfort you. Pets are so wonderful.
I am rooting for your success...I have faith that you are going to be alright. You have many people here to lean on and are here to help support you.
IT is hard work and you can do this work and are worthy of this effort.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Alffe]

:grouphug: There's a lot of love showing for you in this forum family BJ......
and a lot of prayers.