View Full Version : my MIL...
09-24-2007, 12:10 PM
My MIL has progressed into dementia at a rapid pace. Last year she was lucid but would not sleep and could not tell night from day. She would forget she went to the bathroom and would request to go again right after she just came back, which would keep my FIL up all night. My MIL is blind due to macular degeneration. It was entirely preventable but we are not sure if it was due to the doctor's ignorance, my FIL not hearing what the doctor's said due to his stubborn resistance to wear proper hearing aids, or her fear of treatment and his going along with that. She fell and I forced her to the doctor over his objections that she was faking and she had broken her arm. For a while she was screaming so bad the police were called to investigate and she had to be hospitalized in order to get her medications to a point where she is calm. But she is so calm that she has no personality and my FIL is mad that "she does not talk to me anymore." He is in total denial about her dementia. Part of the criteria of releasing her from the hospital was for her to have 24 hour help, 7 days a week. He would only agree to 5 hours, 6 days a week.
She now is incontinent. She does not recognize me well anymore. She has a bedsore that was not recognized by my FIL or the aide. He asked me if he should put more aspercreme on it as that is what my MIL was asking him to do. I recogized the crater as something severe and insisted that they get her to a doctor first thing on Monday. She is now getting wound care and we cannot get the clear story as to why no one saw this before it got so bad. FIL would not let wound care speak to my hubby and will not tell them about me (he likes to leave me off the hippa as I am outspoken) even though I am home.
My FIL is trying to be the primary caregiver of my MIL. He has essential tremors and without taking his meds on time (which he never does - he says it does not matter...) or sleeping well, he shakes a lot and it prevents him from being able to do things well or quickly. He is a very proud man which is... nice except that in this case, it really puts my MIL in a very very sad way. She does not get fed on time. She does not get fed properly. She needs protein to heal. He is a pasta man. He keeps "listening" to what she says like going to bed with her clothes on (and then proceeding to go to the bathroom all over the bed) and to put aspercreme on a deep wound... so deep is his denial of her dementia that he makes extra work as well as puts her at risk of huge infection. She is remarkedly worse after the "day off" when he wants to sleep in and there is no routine. My hubby wants to keep her at their home but with so little care, and his dad so stubborn... he has POA but will not push to get more help...
I am disabled myself. My arms do not work so I cannot help as much as I used to. I urge my husband to intervene as it pains me to see his mother suffering like this. If I call senior services, he will know it is me and it will be more fighting but man, how can I stand by and let this happen? It eats at me daily... my hubby says his mom is not complaining but that is the dementia... can she be happy sitting on the sofa all hours of the day?
09-25-2007, 12:28 PM
I called the case manager... she had stopped by (FIL had not told my hubby) and she was upset at the bedsore. She is pushing for a second shift of help to get her dinner on time. So a bed is being ordered and she asked me to get a gel seat for her for the wheelchair. That will upset my FIL as he does not like her to sit in it but she needs to sit on something softer. The case manager is going to talk to my hubby today about getting him more help as the situation is dire and FIL is not able to do it as much as he protests... She wants the MIL in a home where she can get 24 hour care but knows they will not agree... sad.
But at least the case manager is on my stubborn FIL but he is so nasty and rude... I just hope she can keep my MIL safe.
09-25-2007, 02:44 PM
I am so relieved that you called the case manager
This is a very hard position for you to be in...but you did the right thing
Honestly, it isnt fair to her or to FIL to live this way is it.....not good for either of them and I do hope your hubby will realize what is best for both of his parents, and help to facilitate it
praying for the best outcome possible for all of you :grouphug:
10-25-2007, 10:47 PM
how are things going there?
10-26-2007, 12:52 PM
She has gotten much worse. In keeping with his normal MO, my FIL waited until he was at the end of his rope and capabilities and then expected that he could get help immediately which just does not happen. It resulted in a fiasco... and she is deteriorating rapidly. It is just so sad.
The GP has offered hospice - of course - both my hubby and my FIL said no and do not understand why she offered it. I do not think she is doing well and is fading fast but has occasional times where she gets up out of bed so that makes FIL think she is going to get better as his denial is full and complete.
Thank you for thinking of me.
10-26-2007, 04:45 PM
So sorry to hear that.
this cant be easy on your health either, rumpled.
I really do feel for your situation:(
we are here for you when you need to release your own tension over it all.
10-29-2007, 01:08 PM
Have you tried placing books or pamphlets on Alzheimer's around the home? Or even print out article off the web.?
perhaps some general health care books too
If FIL is going to be stubborn about help he should at least know how to properly do basic health care and wound care??
Your husband may need to read up on this stuff also.
10-29-2007, 03:53 PM
Oh yes... I got a boatloat of stuff and even got some in Spanish from the Alzeimer's Association (for which he got a bit miffed...). Spanish is his native language and he thinks he is fine in English (yeah and I think I am fine in Spanish too - I try to make it easy on him and he gets all pissy).
The cleanliness thing is all my fault - I bought the washer/dryer and it obvously does not work well (the fact that he does not change his undies or shower but once a week has nothing to do with it). I am the the seeming brunt of his anger... and he thinks that I can just eat more or better and viola! get better... You would think that since they have been around me for at least 6 of my operations that they would get a clue that something serious is going on but they think that since I am young, I am fine.
I also gave him the books some years back on basic estate laws, elder care etc. that my company gives out - for planning as they were going to be giving up their house and moving. But he refused to sign over the house to his son at this time and do basic planning at that time. So now they are not eligible for any benefits as he held on to what little they had - making just so that they have too much for benefits and not enough to be comfortable. The lawyer told him he made every mistake he could and basically made it so that there would be no inheritance. No biggie for us but his Dad was crushed. It was all that he did not listen before!
He is still not listening.
I just hope my MIL is not in pain.. poor thing...
11-05-2007, 01:26 AM
Dear Rumpled...I'm sorry to read about your pain and MIL sufferings, all of you are suffering.
All I can offer is a "cybr" hug....I know thats not much help....but:hug:
As I was reading about your worries...I hear your deep compassion and frustration, concern, love and caring for all involved.
Your family is blessed beyond measure to have one such as you!
I was reflecting on what my councilor would say/advise....to let some things "go" when I had such concerns!
That some "Things" weren't really that important...such as the time or what they ate....clothing, hygene etc.
Was NOT my values or expectations.
I had a hard time with such thinking...especially knowing what a mess their lives were....
one of them, not eating on time....or their hygene being something we would never want for ourselves.
But...YOU must take care of YOU!...need to take some time for self care and let a few things go!
I could do nothing to help their situation...and just spun my wheels with worrying, being upset over what "was and wasn't" going on under their roof.
(this involved small children was heartbreaking to me)
There's got to be a balance in here somewhere...and trade off for letting "something" go...will be in giving to yourself...maybe with "time" or any way that would bring you peace or happyness..
I don't mean to be dimsissive or unfeeling....I have been in similar situation as yours...only different faces/places,,,but same ideeas.
11-05-2007, 05:06 PM
No one is unfeeling at all if they have empathy for the situation...
ah.. the mess... hope you are well as well...
11-05-2007, 10:30 PM
She is in ICU... pneumonia. Not sure if she is going to make it but I will let you know. Absent directives, decisions now are harder with emotions high. Poor thing. Who knows, she may just pull through.
11-06-2007, 03:58 PM
oh rumpled :( so sorry to hear of this.
just glad she is under proper care for now.
do let us know how things are going
11-07-2007, 09:50 AM
She in on a ventilator, has a feeding tube, picc line and they are doing everything they can... which is so... sad as she is just not fighting for it.
My hubby wants my FIL to make the final decisons and my FIL wants my MIL back the way she was - do we see a huge disconnect here? Her kidneys were not doing well so that may take care of the decision. If she pulls through, she will be totally bedridden and even harder to take care of than before! And less of herself...
11-08-2007, 08:50 PM
rumpled, this must be so very hard for you all. Denial is so difficult to handle, especially in loved ones. I hope that MIL will be well cared for in the hospital and that perhaps there will be some form of caring intervention to help FIL see things as they are and not just as he wants them to be.
how about you? how are you doing? you have your health problems and I do hope the stress of all this isnt making those worse for you. remember to take care of you too.
11-08-2007, 10:12 PM
I spoke to the pcp today.. she said that had she not been put on the ventilator on Monday night, she simply would have passed away peacefully but FIL could not direct the docs appropriately so absent knowing what to do, they vented her...
She also told me that she has told my hubby and my FIL straight out when she offered them hospice in October that she was dying and that they need to make arrangements. My hubby told me that he felt the doc was just offering hospice just to get his dad to get more help and to get help seven days a week! What a disconnect there, huh!
At this point, they may have just saved her for a feeding tube and more poor care. It was not what she wanted. Not at all. I am so unhappy. Not that I want her to die... I just want her to be in peace.
11-16-2007, 08:01 AM
just checking to see how things are going, rumpled
hoping maybe a turn for the better, or at least continued care in a safe environment
11-16-2007, 09:47 AM
She is off the vent, slowly winding down. Just tested postive for MRSA. They are having to decide on a permanent feeding tube (with surgery) but I think they are going to decline and just let her slide. She is still in the hospital. She was screaming for a bit but now seems to be calm. No idea how long she is going to hold, poor dear. FIL and hubby are having a hard time with all the decisions that have to be made now. No arrangements for care or her final ones have been made - denial still runs deep.
11-17-2007, 08:53 AM
I am sorry to hear that, rumpled and I pray for her to be at peace.
it is probably going to hit FIL really hard when she goes, and your hubby too and so I pray you will be a source of strength and comfort to them when the reality finally dawns.
12-16-2007, 09:34 AM
My MIL passed away yesterday. She recovered a bit, went into a home as she required a lot of care and then got pneumonia again. She went peacefully in her sleep.
12-16-2007, 11:38 AM
my deepest sympathy, rumpled, but I am thankful that it was a peaceful, with proper care.
12-18-2007, 11:57 PM
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