Many of you have brought me great joy! (long)

[greenjeans]

It was not MSW or NT that made this place for me, but the people in it.

There are so many of you, to numorous to count, that have brought me many joys, laughter, and tears. Many have been there for me when I needed a place to vent or share an experience. Many of you paid attention to me and gave me your support. I hope in some way, I've helped you too....I always tried to be there as a support for you as well.

I'd like to start out by saying that every thing I told you about my health condition was true. I felt and have lived through all that I reported. It is a very scary thing to go through, and not have answers.

As I read about all of you and what you go through, I could relate, as I have gone through it as well. The difference is, I don't have MS.

My LP came out normal. It is a relief beyond words. I do have the lesions on my brain, but they apparently are not reflective of MS. My VEP's were normal. This leaves me and my Neuro with one answer. That what I experienced is not MS.

But what is it? He explained I could do some Nerve Conduction studies but that even with a postitive there, He has no way to treat the sx really.

Now you'd think I would be feeling upset or mad that I didn't get what I searched for... a dx. But I'm not...I got better...I got no dx.

What I think is that some how, some way.....the stress I experienced with my last employer is at the heart of what happened. (This does not answer the past things over the years....but I can live with that too). Even though I'd stopped working weeks before the numbess started...I'm just going to have to accept that I worked myself into a stress induced MS Mimic.

So in conclusion; If it ain't MS, then it must be Psycological. Funny how our bodies work. I know we beat the drum here that "It's not in my head"....but I'm afraid that, at least for me, it must have been. I hope others will consider my statements who maybe refuse to believe this therory, and my hope is that many of you will reply to me and thank me for recognizing this as a possiblity, and congratulate me on following thru on all my testing to put this to rest once and for all.

I realized on my drive home that I love so many people here, but I don't belong. Despite the friendships I have waged here, it would be silly to hang on to these friendships when what I need to do is move on about life, resolve these issues that elude me, and find stability and good health.

So with these final words, I will be leaving this board...but that does not mean I'm leaving this site. I still have the back issues and apparently some depression and anxiety issues I need to start dealing with. I may stop in from time to time to check on all of you and hope you will remember me.

I guess thats all any of us want sometimes...is to be acknowledged and have a place to feel safe. You did that for me and I thank you from the bottom of my :Heart:

I'm saddened that most of you have MS. You are wonderful people and its unfair that you got this DX. I've learned so much from all of you about what the disabled go thru...and that even if you look fine...many of you are not. You deserve good things and you deserve to have this safe place to share what you go thru.

With tears, I bid you all a farewell and a big thanks for all you do for this community. I will watch this thread for what I hope are many good wishes and goodbyes....And if I ever see you again....It's because I care about YOU!!

Peace and love be with you all!
:hug:

[Av8rgirl]

GJ

I truly wish you well. You've said some very difficult things in your post and you've come a long way and grown a lot! For many, the most difficult part of the process is the not knowing.

Treating symptoms is what happens to a lot of people. I hope you do find peace and feel better soon. ;)

Yes, there are other forums here and I hope you find the help, support, and friendship that you have found here. Do stop by and say hello!

Take care of yourself! I wish you all the best! :hug:

[thav1]

:hug::hug: Oh goodness, You're post made me cry. I wish I knew what to say:confused:. You are so very brave and I wish you peace of mind and good health. Gosh I hate it when words fail me. I was very touched and extremely moved by what you wrote.
While I'm glad to hear that you don't have MS and your tests came out with a good result, I am sorry that didn't have concrete answers for you. I
feel that is the toughest part.
Please drop by and say hi or to give us all a good teasing. Take Care honey.
:hug:

[Vonn07]

hey hey GJ... you don't ever feel that you have to apologize!! congrats that it's not MS - .. AND BOY DO YOU LOOK GOOD!! :p

you're still part of my family here - and I have some things coming your way .. in fact, as soon as I get outta this storm dilemma .. YOU have a postcard coming!!

and, altho I have MS (proven twice now with MRIs) I still have a brain that operates pretty good - it's just my body that has a mind of it's own!

about the stress - I totally agree ... part of mine is MS, but my job brought alot of it on - and even when I 'think' about what I use to do .. my body goes 'in-flames' .. literally! and I'm an emotional basketcase!

for me it's 'how do I explain that on paper??' and why can't I go to work? other people with MS do? my problem is - I don't last long .. getting ready is good, but by the time I get to the car - I'm wiped!

hang in here with us - PLEASE!! because as soon as I get my act or find the show I'm suppose to be in .. I have a friend in Alaska that I'm coming up to viz (and may find a place to stay then!)

I'm glad to say "I'm glad to know ya!":)

[greenjeans]

~~~waves with happy tears~~~

Vonn,
You got my address...you let me know when you are on your way to Alaska....The summer of 2008 looks good to me!!! The Eagles are waiting for you!!!

:o (kicks floor) thanks for the compliment (all of you)

Vonn, You take care of yourself! You have a heart of gold and will soon be paid back in spades! :hug:

[karousel]

Best of luck in whatever life brings you. :)

[braingonebad]

That's a lot to think about, and a lot to say.

I'm really proud of you and happy for you. Your head is in a good place, it seems. Know you have my support 100%.


Plus, you get a big ol' bon voyage party.

:cool:

The awesome thing is, your life can resume free of the limbo baggage, yet you don't have to give up your NT membership - best of both worlds.

The only other thing I can say is that spinal disorders are just like anything neuro; they too can present some pretty peculiar sx that doctors are not going to acknowledge as being possible.

And that said, on with the party! Open up the bar, and munchies are on me!


:partytime2:

[momXseven]

Oh Greenjeans, I go to pick up my kids from school and come back to see your leaving the board. I do understand completely. Best of luck to you. Thank you for being here for me when I needed it. :hug:

[Kristi]

Peace and Love right back at ya Greenjeans.:hug:

[Twinkletoes]

Hey, girl! It's been fun having you around. I understand your wanting to move on though.

Glad you don't have MS. Here's hoping you can figure out what really is going on and address it.

C'Ya around GJ! XOXOXOXO

[MamaMonkey]

I wish you peace and healing, GJ :hug: Take good care of yourself and hopefully we'll see you around on the other areas of the board.

[AfterMyNap]

Congratulations! That's actually some seriously good news, and I'm happy for you. You don't need to disappear from here, you have friends with MS.

Besides, DM's a faker and nobody minds that she's here.

[GladysD]

GJ! Glad to hear it's not MS!! Hopefully the panic and anxiety does subside for you...it does indeed linger---a sx of mine ;-) Hope to see you around other areas of the board. And best wishes to you on your healing! No need to apologize. I feel living a life of limbo is just as scary and I'm glad you found such a wonderful support group with us MSers!

[jprinz99]

DEarest GJ,

I am so happy you are not saddled with MS and hope that you know deep in your heart that you made a difference to some folks. Regardless of what may, or may not, be causing you to feel so poorly it sure sounds like you are in a calm, healthy frame of mind.

I will miss you and your attitude if you go so please make sure to pop in now and again. In fact I see no reason for you to leave the MS board but you do whatever is best for Greenjeans. That is always all that has ever mattered.

Thank you again for picking me up on "those days" I needed it. You are a good egg as the saying goes.:hug:

jane

[FinLady]

GJ,

:hug: I almost cried reading your post. You have indeed grown as a person this past year! Strange how things like this can do that. I feel very honored to have met you.

Gonna miss your insights, but please don't be a stranger.

[momXseven]

GJ,

I almost cried reading your post.


Me too. :lookaround:

[Ivy2]

I'm glad to hear you don't have MS. Who needs it. Drop by to say Hi anyway. Take care.

[Koala77]

'Bye greenjeans. It was good news that you don't have MS, and I wish you luck with the other problems that you have.

[snoodles]

I for one, don't like it a bit that you are leaving !!! :( BUT - I understand that you must do what is right for you and move forward in your life. :)

I do hope you will pop back in from time to time - I was just now getting to know you !

Congratulations on no dx. :)

[lady_express_44]

Wow, GreenJeans. I don't even know you, but your posting brought tears to my eyes.

You have a very healthy attitude about this whole experience, and it sounds like whatever the problems are, you are going to face them head on. I admire you a lot for that.

I wish you continued peace of mind, and a healthy future.

Cherie

[tkrik]

Oh dear, I got a little something in my eye here. It's watery as I type this. LOL. OK, definite tears. I admit it. I'm a softy.

We'll miss you GJ but I can totally understand. Congratulations is definitely in order. In a sense, you must be relieved. I am happy for you.

Good luck on your journey and definitely stop by just to say "HI." You are still one of US you know. :hug::grouphug:

[barb02]

I would just like to echo what everyone else has said. Take care and be good to yourself!

[SandyC]

Well, I will miss you! I am happy it's not ms and happy your going to stick around the site. See ya in the other forums!

[MooseasaurusRex]

Why is everybody saying goodbye?

It takes a Moose to make a stand...

Listen beautiful, I don't care what you do or don't have disease-wise, you are one of us. So get right back into the habit of visiting regularly before you convince yourself not too.

Quit shaking your head...
What if I wake up in Alaska and you're the only person I know and I can't find you...

It could happen!

[SandyC]

I was thinking that Moose. She really isn't leaving, we wont let her.

She's just in the "other" room!

[MSCherokee]

Wow Greenjeans,

What a beautiful post. :hug: I am so very glad you don't have MS! Please stop in from time to time and just say hi - you can't get rid of us THAT easy!

[PolarExpress]

Oh man! You just HAD to make me cry..:(
Don't get me wrong, I'm HAPPY, HAPPY, HAPPY that it's not MS! Your post was just very touching *sniff sniff*..
Don't be too much of a stranger! Let us know how you're doing 'cause you know how we worry!

[tante]

Rots, GJ, I'm having a terrible time responding...sniff...

Your decision took courage.
I hope the change in direction and focus brings peace and some relief of your symptoms and if nothing else, the time to gather the strength and energy which can be so sorely depleted looking for answers.

You spoke of being acknowledged, and of having a safe place to be, you were good at that, GJ, you did that for others, you will be missed.


tante

[DM]

Hi GJ's! I just want to tell you that your post was one of the most BRAVE and inspiring posts I have read. It revealed a raw side of you that is now accepting and trying to move forward w/life. You have come a long way, baby!!!!

I am so glad it's not MS. But, you just come and go as you see fit, and let us know how you are doing.

Your post DID make me proud.

take care GJ's.
:hug:

[Desinie]

Best of luck to you, Greenjeans! I'm glad it turned out you don't have MS.

[joellelee2000]

I hate to see you go J! I definitely understand why though, and I think you're doing the right thing for you:). I am sooo glad you don't have MS!
:Dancing-Chilli::Dancing-Chilli::Dancing-Chilli:

E-mail me when you're bored, or lonely or whenever. We can talk about anything BUT MS and politics:D:D:D;)!

[Av8rgirl]

I hate to see you go J! I definitely understand why though, and I think you're doing the right thing for you:). I am sooo glad you don't have MS!
:Dancing-Chilli::Dancing-Chilli::Dancing-Chilli:

E-mail me when you're bored, or lonely or whenever. We can talk about anything BUT MS and politics:D:D:D;)!

Great idea Joelle!

I hope she sticks around here on the board! We can meet in Social Chat and have some fun! ;)

[greenjeans]

I'm so moved by all the affectionate comments! Someone said "You just have friends with MS!" and that person was right on! So I wanted to say that despite the fact I do not have MS, I do have many friends with MS :hug: and I'm grateful for each and every one of you! Thank you for lifting me up like this!

I want to share with this board something I learned today, and ask all to lend me their ear for a moment.

This is very hard for me, because as you can imagine, having symptoms that mimic MS is very disturbing to say the least. What is most odd about it, is that I had the symptoms when I found all of you. I didn't get the symptoms because I read about it here. In fact, many times I would read things you were going thru, and think, hmmmm...not me...but, I have all the main symptoms!

I want everyone to understand how one gets here, and some may need to hear me out more than others, because I don't think I'm the first, or last person to experience something like this, and some may need to consider this for themselves before you spend thousands of dollars on the wrong doctors.

What we like to hear is that it's not in our heads, its not an emotional response to something in our lives. For most of you, this is true...for a small percentage of us...I'm afraid it is very true. I did go numb, I did have vertigo, and it was all very real.

I won't go into great detail, but will share that starting 12 years ago, something horrible happened, that was followed by 2 more horrific events in my life and that of my DD and DH. Over the past year I've not been able to maintain employment, and then my last job crushed me emotionally. This is when these sx appeared. Looking back, I went numb when I was job searching and realized I would be competing with teenagers for crappy jobs :eek:

Long story short, I've gone through devistating things for which I was "STOIC" (remember my thread the other day? I'm not a hypocondriac, I'm the stoic one) During these events, I was the one who held my family together...I was the strong one for my DH and DD. Someone had to be and I'm not one to let anything get in my way. They needed me and I was there.

Well, here I am, years later knowing that these things are only tucked away to avoid the pain. The desire to keep going for the love of my family has led to something I didn't understand. What I realize today is that 'little jeannie' needs to heal now. I'm not crazy, I'm just deeply hurt by these unfortunate things that happened to me and my family. Death would have been better during those times.

I searched the internet today (hehe) and found an actual name for what I've gone through. Its called CONVERSION DISORDER.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx43.htm

Its just chronic and massive depression. I guess I've been depressed so long, I didn't even know how bad I was and it began to come out physically.

Its fair to say that I'm feeling kind of depressed about this today :rolleyes: LOL! However, it's theraputic to write these words, to finally say it to someone outloud and alert others that you may be following my path.

I've done research and think I've found a really good Psyciatrist to put this all behind me. I'll be making the call in the morning. I want my life back before I'm too old to enjoy it, or dead.

In the meantime, I would love to drop in now and again and share the laughter and fun that is here, and maybe share with you my success in treating my monster. I may not be around as much as I was, but good habits die hard :) and good friends are also hard to lose.

I'm going to tell my DH tonight, who by the way loves me deeply and would do anything to see me healthy and happy. I know when I say it outloud to him, he will get it totally, and he will be there for me supporting me all the way. Our deep love will see us through.

Again, thanks so much for being so kind to me when it would have been easier to dismiss me. Bad things happen to good people and I can count myself in that population. I guess what is not fair,is I can be healed and you can't...I pray that for all of you.

Well, guess I've rambled long enough! I'll be back after I've had some time to put things together better!

Love to all

OH! And whats a little politics between friends :D

EDIT: One other possible dx is http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx94.htm I guess they are pretty much the same thing...

[Chris]

greenjeans,
I don't know you at all, but I do wish you the best of luck always in everything you do. Your post was very heartwarming and made me realise how much MS brings us together wherever we are, whoever we are, and whenever we need a shoulder to cry on.

Best of luck to you now and always,

Chris

[greenjeans]

Thanks Chris...hope we have time to chat some down the road....I've enjoyed reading your posts too :D

[soxmom]

Greenjeans, Im sure you have helped someone with these posts.
You are so refreshingly honest.:) I hope you keep in touch and
let us know how things go.

Enjoy your lifes journey and may you be blessed.:hug:

Soxmom

[Chris]

Thanks Chris...hope we have time to chat some down the road....I've enjoyed reading your posts too :D

gj,
I was writing my post to you as you wrote yours. I am even more impressed with you now than I was when I read the originial. You sound as if you have been through a lot, and I think anyone in your shoes would have come unglued, but you didn't. So, please stay in touch with us, and take care of you!!!:hug:

All the best,
Chris

[the Bird]

Greenjeans,

Don't feel like you have to leave us!

And don't feel sorry for us. What is is. We try to take care of our sx, and it sounds like you will too.

I wish you the best and I do hope to see you around!

We found NT for a reason!

Peace.

[jprinz99]

May blessings and peace shower down on you. I dont mean to get "preachy"- I mean this from the bottom of my heart. :circlelove:

Sounds to me that you care deeply for your family, us and perhaps most importantly YOU. Way to grow!

jane

[weegot5kiz]

I hope my northen light of inspiration sticks around, :winky:

[Vegasgrl]

Greenjeans - Someone said your post was very brave and it was, I'm glad you found a good doctor. Best of luck!

Teresa

[Snoopy]

greenjeans, do what you have to do for yourself and know you can always talk to us. I am very happy you do not have MS.

Traumatic and psychological events can cause neurological symptoms along with other health issues. I'm proud of you for seeking the help of a Psychiatrist but understand putting the past behind you might be a very difficult process.

Something else you might look into is Post-Traumatic Stress disorder (PTSD).

I do believe you - your symptoms have been very real and I really hope you find peace of mind and body :hug:




I'm so moved by all the affectionate comments! Someone said "You just have friends with MS!" and that person was right on! So I wanted to say that despite the fact I do not have MS, I do have many friends with MS :hug: and I'm grateful for each and every one of you! Thank you for lifting me up like this!

I want to share with this board something I learned today, and ask all to lend me their ear for a moment.

This is very hard for me, because as you can imagine, having symptoms that mimic MS is very disturbing to say the least. What is most odd about it, is that I had the symptoms when I found all of you. I didn't get the symptoms because I read about it here. In fact, many times I would read things you were going thru, and think, hmmmm...not me...but, I have all the main symptoms!

I want everyone to understand how one gets here, and some may need to hear me out more than others, because I don't think I'm the first, or last person to experience something like this, and some may need to consider this for themselves before you spend thousands of dollars on the wrong doctors.

What we like to hear is that it's not in our heads, its not an emotional response to something in our lives. For most of you, this is true...for a small percentage of us...I'm afraid it is very true. I did go numb, I did have vertigo, and it was all very real.

I won't go into great detail, but will share that starting 12 years ago, something horrible happened, that was followed by 2 more horrific events in my life and that of my DD and DH. Over the past year I've not been able to maintain employment, and then my last job crushed me emotionally. This is when these sx appeared. Looking back, I went numb when I was job searching and realized I would be competing with teenagers for crappy jobs :eek:

Long story short, I've gone through devistating things for which I was "STOIC" (remember my thread the other day? I'm not a hypocondriac, I'm the stoic one) During these events, I was the one who held my family together...I was the strong one for my DH and DD. Someone had to be and I'm not one to let anything get in my way. They needed me and I was there.

Well, here I am, years later knowing that these things are only tucked away to avoid the pain. The desire to keep going for the love of my family has led to something I didn't understand. What I realize today is that 'little jeannie' needs to heal now. I'm not crazy, I'm just deeply hurt by these unfortunate things that happened to me and my family. Death would have been better during those times.

I searched the internet today (hehe) and found an actual name for what I've gone through. Its called CONVERSION DISORDER.

http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx43.htm

Its just chronic and massive depression. I guess I've been depressed so long, I didn't even know how bad I was and it began to come out physically.

Its fair to say that I'm feeling kind of depressed about this today :rolleyes: LOL! However, it's theraputic to write these words, to finally say it to someone outloud and alert others that you may be following my path.

I've done research and think I've found a really good Psyciatrist to put this all behind me. I'll be making the call in the morning. I want my life back before I'm too old to enjoy it, or dead.

In the meantime, I would love to drop in now and again and share the laughter and fun that is here, and maybe share with you my success in treating my monster. I may not be around as much as I was, but good habits die hard :) and good friends are also hard to lose.

I'm going to tell my DH tonight, who by the way loves me deeply and would do anything to see me healthy and happy. I know when I say it outloud to him, he will get it totally, and he will be there for me supporting me all the way. Our deep love will see us through.

Again, thanks so much for being so kind to me when it would have been easier to dismiss me. Bad things happen to good people and I can count myself in that population. I guess what is not fair,is I can be healed and you can't...I pray that for all of you.

Well, guess I've rambled long enough! I'll be back after I've had some time to put things together better!

Love to all

OH! And whats a little politics between friends :D

EDIT: One other possible dx is http://psychcentral.com/disorders/sx94.htm I guess they are pretty much the same thing...

[Riverwild]

Greenjeans,

That was a well thought out post. Your followup was also a good one!

I understand the need to work on what is happening with you. I just want you to know that despite your not having MS (which is a GOOD thing!) you can still come in and talk! We are here to listen and no one is going to toss ya out the door!

You have contributed a lot to the discussions on this board and I for one hope you will stop in and see us sometime!

Good Luck!!:hug:

[greenjeans]

[SIZE=4]Traumatic and psychological events can cause neurological symptoms along with other health issues. I'm proud of you for seeking the help of a Psychiatrist but understand putting the past behind you might be a very difficult process.

Something else you might look into is Post-Traumatic Stress disorder (PTSD).

I do believe you - your symptoms have been very real and I really hope you find peace of mind and body :hug:

Thank you snoopy :)
You are absolutly right. I have alot of work to do. About 5 years ago I saw a doctor who said I had PTSD, and I laughed at her. I said "Ya THINK?"<grin> and never went back.

I have failed to contine my prozac, but more importantly, I guess I need to release these terrible things in therapy, and stop blaming myself. I even prayed to God and told him to take all my blessings and give them to my DD. That I could take the pain, just give her a good life. Well, I was wrong. How can I be there for anyone if I can't be there for myself? Poor me :D LOL!

I found a better description of this disorder at the Mayo Clinic:

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/conversion-disorder/DS00877/DSECTION=2

What I have to say about this for anyone experiencing this is that if your MRI is not indicitive of MS, your LP is clear, your blood work is fine and your VEP's are normal...you have to look at this.

I know how hard it is to accept, I'm there. But when I finally told my DH this morning, he got a big smile, hugged me, and said "THANK GOD WE KNOW NOW". He asked if I was going to get help, and I told him I'd already picked a doctor.

I don't want to over write this subject so I'll close here...except to answer one other who said 'don't feel sorry for us'....I want you to know I don't feel sorry for any of you, what I am, is in awe of how you have all coped with it and still have love, laughter and happiness in your life. You are all very special people and a fine example of overcoming adversity in your life. I applaude each of you!