Happy Birthday Mark...

[Alffe]

You have a wonderful sister Mark who misses you terribly. Please know that we are trying to hold her up and take good care of her. (((BJ)))

[Doody]

((((BJ)))) Holding you close and promising you better days ahead. :hug:

[bizi]

Dear Girlie,
How are you holding up sweetie?
Anniversary days are hard, know that we are here for you...please post, talk, vent, share how you are doing.
love bizi

[BJ]

This is the last picture taken of my baby brother in Wildwood, NJ the Sunday before he did it. Well, there were ones from the night of the graduation but my mom destroyed them. She said Mark wasn't in them, she didn't know who he was. I wasn't going to post this but he was alive, he did enjoy life and I wanted everyone to see that. I have this picture on my desk and I've stared and stared at this all day long, looking in his eyes, wondering if I could see anything in them to know that something was wrong. Looking at the picture everything looks fine. Who would ever know that not even a week later he would hang himself. All he was worried about was did he get too sunburn and would he be able to pitch that week. He did, pitched two games, won both and we were all so proud of him.

I've been holding something in for over 20 yrs. My mom and dad both asked me over and over whether Mark left a note and I always told them no. My therapist and pdoc have asked me and I always said no. But he did, it wasn't much, just a few lines:

Sister my sister
Day by day
Within this life
Go forward
Never look back
Be all you can be
For life is too short

That's it. My mom went to her grave thinking he just snapped as they told us. She thought he didn't think about it before hand, just snapped. But no, he did know what he was doing or else he wouldn't have written me this note. Days when I think I can't go on I pull this out and read it and try to make Mark proud of me.

Happy Birthday Mark. :hug: I know that the demons inside your head did this to you. I'll never ever be angry at you but I will always miss you and wonder why.

[DMACK]

[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[[bj]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]]

David

[Abasaki]

I know that the demons inside your head did this to you. I'll never ever be angry at you but I will always miss you and wonder why.





(((BJ)))

These words have great impact.... thank you for sharing.
:hug:
Abbie

[Alffe]

Oh thank you BJ...I never expected to put a face with that guy..what a wonderful picture to have..surfs up and yep, he's got a sunburn! And I think you are correct in your thinking...if he wrote a note, he acted on his thought. Did your dear mother not acknowledge him because she felt what he did was a sin? Don't answer that if it's too personal. :hug:

You spared your parents the additional grief of knowing that he had this intention. Bless you. :hug:

[bizi]

thank you for sharing with us your Mark.
He is adorable.
I know that you miss him terribly...i would miss him too.
It is so hard to lose your brother this way.
I am glad that you have his writing to hold dear to your heart.
((((HUGS))))
I still have a thesaurus that michael gave me for christmas 1986....
It says:

To bizi
Get smart
love mike

I will always keep this...
((((((((((HUGS))))))))
bizi

[Wren]

BJ ~ sending you loving thoughts.

[BJ]

I hated so much to lie to my mom but I felt I had to protect her. She would have been devastated if she knew Mark left me that note and knew what he was doing. Being Catholic, yes Mark committed a moral sin but I hope God forgave him and let him in to heaven and he's playing baseball with the angels. :hug: But I won't know that until we meet again.

I'm so sorry for stirring up memories for those that have lost loved ones. :grouphug: And NoHope I'm so sorry about your DH. I know I haven't replied to your posts but being BP I'm learning what my triggers are so if I feel unstable I shy away from some posts. I'm glad you've found your way here and talking about it :hug: Bizi Michael should be proud of you because you are smart :hug:

[nohope]

I am so upset that I cannot find out how to pull up Mark's picture! I don't believe any of that suicide-ultimate sin stuff and for the horrible woman who spouted that out to Alffe, may God forgive her. I can't tell you whether my husband made it to heaven or not, I just have to believe he did. Hopefully by then I can find a way past this feeling of "unforgiveable"! I remember in the court lobby of having to hold myself back for fear of slapping him across the face. That took alot of restraint, believe me.

It's obvious the note Mark left to you that he trusted you and shared a bond with you he did not have with your mom and dad. I wish my husband had left a note. I do have a copy of the journal he kept while we were seperated. The last entries were following his sister's death. Then I stare at his bank statements and see all the purchases of hard liquor.

I would really love to see the picture of Mark if anyone can tell me how to get to it. I don't know if anyone has seen the picture under my profile of my 2 little girls. I wish I could figure out how to put it under my name when I reply to posts.

And Bizi, I understand about the theasauras. I have a sweat shirt left of my husbands that I dug out through all the trash and dirty laundry found in his truck after I had recovered it following the sherriffs pulling his body out of the back seat. Although I washed it and decided to keep it, it still smells of him. His truck still sits outside my house. I periodically drive it to make sure it will continue to start. The truck still smells of him.

[Alffe]

Honey it isn't anything you are doing...I'm pretty sure BJ took Marks picture out after most of us had a chance to see him. Pictures identify people and this is a public forum so I'd have done the same.

We don't want to get into a discussion about whose religion is right and who's isn't..we can't possibly know this but will someday...I think. :confused:

That woman was so sure she knew!! it tickled me inside...she said it with great conviction. I can't help but wonder where she sees herself someday...being so judgemental I mean. *grin

I admire your restrainst...I am not home right now..am at my sisters house and I always get such a giggle out of her little sign..."don't say the word s**t

[BJ]

NoHope I didn't want Mark's picture splattered all over the internet too long so it's nothing you're doing. :hug: I made a mistake in putting it up. It's just a stupid picture of a sun-burned kid in the surf. I made a mistake talking about my religion and how my mom felt. I don't know if my mom was right about what she thought but that's all I have to go on. I'd love to just pick up the phone and ask her but oops, she's with Mark and my dad so I can't. I tried to talk but it was wrong.

[Alffe]

It's still light outside!!! Are you home already? *grin What on earth makes you think you made a mistake sharing Mark, however briefly with us. It touched my heart to see him....stop beating up on yourself dear lady. :hug:

[nohope]

What mistake? There was no mistake made. I am so glad you were able to share these feelings with all of us and again I am sorry I missed the photo.