My Dad took his life........

[Nik-key]

I am here in the hopes of meeting other people who have lost their loved ones by suicide.
To try to figure out how I am suppose to go on. On March 14th, my Dad took his life. He shot himself. No warnings, no indications.

We now know he had cancer. To give some background, my dad watched his brother Steve, for 3 years slowly and painfully die from cancer. He stayed in his room for the last 16 days of his life, and held him as he died. My dad said
then, and more times than I care to remember over the past 10 years, that he would not let us watch him die that way, to suffer as he did watching Uncle Steve pass. He even told us how he would do it. He said before he let that happen he would shoot himself. I just wish to God I had only know he meant it. People say thing like that all the time, but they don't act on it.
He was a career military man, serving over 22 years, in both korea and vietnam, whenever he said that, I just figured it was the military man in him saying it. I just never dreamed he would truly do it.

I have been sick since 99 with constant pain from TN, ON and other problems, for the last year I have been having TIA strokes. I am sure some of the reason for the TIA's is that my husband Lynn, has Alzheimer's disease. Such a devasting disease.

At any rate, my Dad has always been my ROCK, even more so since my husband was diagnosed in 05. He was there for every surgery, every procedure, doctor and ER visits. He would come and simply hold me when the pain was so bad I couldn't get out of bed. Bring me food to nourish the body, and love to nourish the soul.

I now feel like this little sick seal who was clinging to it's rock for dear life, that rock was brutially taken from me, leaving me drowing and flailing in the cold thunderous ocean. I just don't know how I am suppose to move on. How I am suppose to survive this.

As everyone has, I have lost many I love, I lost my only baby, I also know what it is like to watch helpless as someone you love is wasting away, slowly and painfully dying. But, to me this is just so much worse. At least when you lose someone to illness, you get to spend time with them, you have your chance to say goodbye, in the end, I have even prayed that God would take them home. It is almost a blessing . But this, this is so hard to deal with.

Many have told me, he did this for me, for my family. Knowing my Dad as I do, I do know in my heart that is true. I do know he meant to spare us what he thought would be a worse pain. He knew the pain of watching his brother die, he had never dealt with the wreckage left behind when one takes their life. I have come to understand and believe he did mean to spare us.

But, I can't help it , I feel just absolutely robbed of all our tomorrows. All these questions keep haunting me, and I grieve for all that could have been, all that should have been, all the empty hopes and lost dreams.

Many times I scream, cry, rant, rave, or whisper....how is this better Dad?? HOW!! I have forgiven him, have let go of some of the anger. How can I not when I think of how hard it must have been for him. God, I just can't imagine.
Images won't allow me sleep, sadness and pain are consuming me. I did have a break down, and I am under doctors care. The medications are helping a little, I no longer have the over powering urge to be with him, but I still so badly want to see him again. I am told this is "normal" but nothing, NOTHING feels as if it will ever be ok again.

I thank you in advance for letting me share with you, Nikki

[Chemar]

(((((((((Nikki))))))))))
I just wanted to welcome you tho I sure wish it werent for this reason:(

I know the members of this forum will be able to offer understanding and support for you during this very difficult time

with deepest sympathy
Cheri

[Alffe]

Oh dear Nikki...you have come to the right place to talk about this. I am so sorry for your loss and for the pain you are suffering.

It's almost impossible not to be angry at the choice our loved one makes...even tho we try to understand it...we feel rejected in the worst way.

You have so much on your plate that my heart just goes out to you. You know that everything you are feeling right now is normal...the anger, the guilt, and the pain.

Please keep talking about what you are feeling....we have been there and are survivors ourselves. :grouphug:

[DM]

Oh Nikki~~ Your post literally jumped out at me. I don't know how I can help, but I wanted you to know that I am so glad you found NeuroTalk. We have an amazing, caring community here and a place you can come to and do what you just did... pour your heart out.

Grief is such a hard process for some. It was for me and is still ongoing at the loss of my Mother to CA last June. She was DX'd and 3 1/2 wks later, was gone. I was shocked, hurt, scared, and I wasn't prepared. It still hurts every day. I'm a work in progress, I guess. But, I also watched my dear Father fade away and struggle w/CA for many months.

I think it's good that you are seeing a Dr and still am tossing around the idea of seeing a grief counselor myself. I'm telling you this, b/c I want you to know that there are members here who understand your pain.

Nikki~ she was my ROCK, my confidante and my best friend *besides my DH* who was there for me through all my thick and thins of life.

I hope you'll continue to come to this board and keep us posted on how you are doing. I am saying a prayer for you, as you have so much to deal with. We know in our hearts that your Dad and my Mother are really still w/us in our memories and our hearts, so talk to your Dad, just like you typed your post. I just know he will never leave you.. physically yes, but spiritually he's right there. Let Time help Nikki.

Please take care of yourself and just know that we care. :hug:

[nohope]

Dear Nik-key, I am so sorry for what you are going through. This is just so recent. It has been 6 months since my husband killed himself abandoning a beautiful family. I am left with 2 little girls. These 6 months have been a cyclone of emotional havoc and if I hadn't found this site to be able to talk to these other survivors, I would not be typing this right now. I have built up this wall of hate and anger at my husband for doing this to us, but last night all the love I had came reeling back and I bawled myself to sleep on the couch so as not to wake my girls. I was up at 2:30 this morning pacing.

I am so glad you are under doctors care as your emotions will continue to go up and down. Please lean on this form when you can't on your family and friends. It will carry you through the most trying times, I promise. In my worst despair, I can come here and someone always picks me right back up so I can get through the next day.

Please rest alot and when the sun is out, get outside. Open the window for fresh air and lean on this forum, we all care about you!

[SandyC]

Just sending hugs to you. :hug: I've lost family to suicide too. :(

[sassy]

Nik-key, I'm so sorry.

[Wren]

Dear Nik-key-- Lots of us are sending up prayers for you and sending you hugs.

[Doody]

((Nik-key)) I'm so glad you came here. Everyone here is so wonderful. My prayers are with you. :hug:

[Alffe]

I keep returning to this thread...hoping that Nikki will come back and talk to us. Suicide is such a nightmare to try to cope with alone. It's like we have entered another world. :grouphug:

Nikki your very words reminded me of the book Carla Fine wrote..No Time to Say Goodbye She wrote it after her husband commited suicide and I found it very helpful when our son killed himself.

Do you know if there is a suicide support group in your city? If you are able to attend one I think you'd find it very comforting to be in the presence of people who know exactly what you are feeling.

You aren't alone in this. :hug:

[Nik-key]

I thank you all for your concern and support. I was a member here a few years back ,before my husband was diagnosed with Alzheimer's, in the trigeminal neuralgia forum, so I know what a wonderful community this is. I wasn't sure though, if people would be as compassionate on this particular topic. It is so raw, making it perhaps harder to share the pain we each now know.

I am also so sorry to hear of those who have also lost their loved ones. I was so relieved to find this and other sites, when I finally decided to see if there were forums for surivors of suicide. There is a local group that meets once a month, I have a month to decide if I want to go.

Yesterday was such a hard day, 4 weeks to the day that My Dad took his life. Such a brutal end, for such a wonderful kind man. It was the first time I "said" that my Dad had shot himself. I am not harboring any deep anger for Dad. If anything, It just breaks my heart, what he must have been going through in the moments, hours, days, before he pulled the trigger. It is just too much to comprehend. I wish desperatly that I had known he was sick, I wish I could have convinced him that this, this would be worse. I just miss him so very much.


The night, and the days that followed his death, I remember just screaming,
gut wrenching sobbed out to God and my Dad, just begging to see my Dad, just one more time. I didn't feel I was asking for too much. You hear about these things all the time. In my sleep deprived 5th night, I came to the conclusion, that surely people never truly do see their loved ones, that they don't come back to visit us. I came to think, it is more their desperate need to feel they saw them. The state of their mind, lack of sleep, etc, plays tricks on their minds. For surely if they ever did come back, God and Dad must have heard my cries, and he would have visited. I wasn't asking for too much, just one last hug.

I have since, had dreams though. Peaceful dreams. They don't come often, only two so far. They have felt so real, almost like I was waking up after seeing him. I wake with a gasp at the reality of it. One time, it was just he and I. The last dream, he was holding my baby, though, in this dream I saw her as a toddler, which is so odd, as I have no idea what she would have looked like. But it was so real, I could see her running through a field of dasies, a huge smile playing on my Dad's face. Was it just my minds desperate need to see him again? perhaps. Does it really matter to me?
not in the least.

Due to the weather in NH, when someone passes in the winter, they can not be buried until spring. For that reason, I will have to try to endure two services. We had one already. As hard as it was, it was also very moving. My brother did a slide show, I read a letter I wrote to my Dad, the military did a moving tribute. The next, and final service is June 7th, it seems so very far away, and yet, all to soon. I keep hoping after this final goodbye, I will be able to start to heal, find some peace and have a little closure.

I thank you all for giving me a safe place to share, Nikki

[Alffe]

Nikki...I was so glad to find your post this morning. I think newcomers posts don't show up right away...maybe after you have posted 5 times they do..something like that. Anyway I'm so glad you are talking about his death..hard as that is to do, it's what helps us to heal.

Your Dad sounds like a wonderful man Nikki and I promise you that someday you will think first of the memories that brought you joy, not of how he ended it.

I am interested in what you said about "feeling the spirit"...my words.
Only one time did I "see" Michael and it was years after he killed himself. He came and sat on my bed...his hair was grey (as it would have been had he lived) and he said "Mom, I am fine..stop worrying about me".

Like you...I will take whatever comes my way...those experiences, dreams?..wishful thinking?..have a calming effect.

Having a second service will be hard...but honestly, nothing is easy the first couple of years. There will always be an empty chair on the anniversary, holidays, their birthdays.

I do hope you will try the support group...take someone with you..it will help.
And remember...we are here for you. :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

Thank you so much for reaching out to me alffe, it means a great deal to me. When I was diagnosed with TN(trigeminal neuralgia) then later ON (occipital neuralgia) and the many other neurological issues I have, I found the value, the strength ones finds talking with people who not only truly understand your pain, but know just what you are going through. Though we are all different, our pains unique to us, there is a kinship, a healing with talking to others who KNOW.

At first the sites I found were more about people who had tried suicide, I am not sure what made me keep looking, but I did. I just knew I couldn't be the only one feeling these horrible things. I then found where those poor souls are called attempters, and we poor souls are called survivors. Such an odd word, yet fitting too. Survivor...I don't think of myself that way, I don't feel as though I will survive this.

One thing I do know from past experience, is you can not run away from pain. It only makes things harder, worse later.
No matter where you go, there you are...... As hard as it is, I face grief, life, head on. I grieve the way I love, with all that I am.

I very much look forward to the time you tell me "that someday you will think first of the memories that brought you joy, not of how he ended it." I will pray for that day, I need it desperately.

I am sure this is "normal" ....oy! how I am beginning to despise that word!
But, of late, I feel I am doing worse. When this first happened, God, I couldn't stop crying, I couldn't sleep, eat, focus.....I couldn't dream of staying here in this kind of pain. I would just scream at my Dad, God.......I let it all out, until I simply broke. I then had periods of numbness. Now though, it is starting to hurt just as badly as that first night.

My dad had a saying, whenever I asked him to do something he thought wasn't manly, the military man him in, he would always say, there is no lace on my panties!! when I was falling apart, I found myself saying, well Dad, there IS lace on my panties! And I did one of the hardest things I have ever done, I admitted I needed help. My thoughts were leading me to ideas of joining him, I just wanted desperately to be with him. The happiness at those thoughts, alarmed me enough, that I knew I better get some help, and some sleep. As odd as it sounds, I didn't want to dishonor my Dad, his pain, His act of trying to protect me.

My doctor who has been treating me for years, had a shot and pills waiting for me. He held me while I cried, and said something I will never forget. He took my face in his hands, and made my eyes meet his........he then said....
Nik, if you had cut your arm off, you would run, RUN to the closest place to find help wouldn't you!? Well, your heart has been ripped out of your chest, and you are damn well bleeding to death! I am so proud of you for coming to me, for asking for help. He was proud of me? For admitting I didn't want to be here? I couldn't believe it. It was a start. I still very much want to see him, but it isn't so overwhelming. I can wait, till we will all be together again.:grouphug:

As for the dreams, perhaps it was his spirit, perhaps it was the only way my grief would even allow me to see him, in a dream. It truly doesn't matter to me if it was his spirit, or a mind gone mad....I needed to see him......and I did.
Like I said, the reality of it made me gasp. He had been here, or me there, it was that real. I cried out for him, I could feel him still "leaving" as I was waking. I know that sounds so odd, and I can't believe I am even sharing it. I haven't told anyone about those two dreams.

When I lost my baby, I wasn't even allowed to hold her......Sadly, I had two miscarriages after that, and was never able to have another child. I was so mad at God, that I turned my back to Him for the longest time. I am not overly religious, I tend to think I am more spiritual. My minister told me the difference between religion and spirituality is .... those who are religious fear hell, those who are spiritual , have lived through it. I thought that sounded just about right.

After this happened, my Minister said something that still echoes in my mind, he said....if you don't think your Dad was calling out to God for the strength to do it, and you don't KNOW that God was right there with your Dad, you have a weaker faith than I thought. I find if anything, I am more apt to find myself praying now, I need to cling to the thought that God is holding my Dad in His hands, washing away all his pains and sorrow life brought him.

I know I am rambling, and jumping all over the place, but I am sure you all understand that as well. There is another thought, that keeps haunting me.....

cancer. He had beat melanoma about 5 years ago. He was a trooper about it, having part of his nose, face and ear continuously cut to dig deeper. For the past 10 years or so, he has had alot of stomach issues, he was to the point for the past at least 5 years that he could eat only plain pasta and boiled hamburger, even at that he held his gut (as he called it)all the time.
Not quite 3 years ago, is when they found the first signs of cancer, cancerous polyps in his stomach and colon. they removed the polyps, and he would need continued care, in case it came back. Speaking of, I should say, I have no proof that the cancer did indeed come back, it is just something I know.

During that time, he was so afraid. I am sure, some for him, but it was his fear of us suffering as he did that troubled him so....this is what his brother died from. This is what caused him to watch his brother waste away for over 3 years. He often said during that time........he didn't want to be here, but then he ALWAYS said, but I would never do it. He said he would shoot himself before he let me suffer watching him waste away. Again, he always said, ahhh, but I would never do it. I'm too much a coward.

This is what is haunting me, I remember so clearly.... standing outside on the ramp with him having our smoke, the very ramp where he took his life......I remember him talking, in anguish.........he talked about how one night, years before, when his dog was dying, and in such great pain, that they wouldn't make it to the vet, he recalled how he had to shoot his beloved pet, to stop his suffering.
He then said.......................................
I wish someone loved me enough to do that.

God, now I think on that, and my reply to him........and it just rips my heart out. I was so damn selfish!!! All I said was Dad, I love you TOO much to do that. I told him over and over how much I loved him, how much I needed him.
I think on it now, and I didn't HEAR what he was telling me. My need, my selfishness at needing him, wouldn't allow me to hear the pain he was trying to express to me.

When I talk to him now, I tell him how sorry I am that I didn't listen, that I was so selfish. I think on it now, no wonder he didn't tell me he was sick again. No wonder he kept it to himself. He had been in the ER the weekend before, with the same symptoms as before, but he wouldn't let my my step mom tell me. I wonder how long he knew the cancer was back. How long he fought it. How he must have suffered!

The thing is, I visited just about every week, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week. That week, was a bad one. I had just had a TIA stroke two weeks before that had left me temporarily paralyzed on my right side. I hadn't had a chance to get up to see him. I did ask him to come visit me, we only lived 20 mins from eachother. He didn't come. I think on that now, that was so NOT like himWhen I wasn't able to come to his house, he ALWAYS came to see me. ALWAYS. I wonder now, why that didn't send up a red flag to me. At the time, I just assumed it was too much for him to see me that way. With each surgery, shots in the skull, each procedure, he hurt just as badly, if not worse than me. I thought that was why he didn't come.

But now, now I wonder. He KNEW I was coming the next day, THE NEXT DAY!!!! He had a doctors appointment that day at 3, he took his life at noon. I wish I had known he had an appointment, I wish I knew he had been sick, I wish I knew he had gone to the ER............I wish I hadn't been so damn selfish years ago, maybe he would have been able to tell me this time....... I wish so many, so many things......

I have gone this far, so I will also share, since the day he did it, a song that I had heard maybe a handful of times in my life, is playing in my mind. At first, It just pissed me off!! Now, it brings me a sort of peace........

Ooh-oo child
Things are gonna get easier
Ooh-oo child
Things'll get brighter

Is it my Dad singing to me? I like to think so. In my dreams, I can almost feel a hand on my cheek as the song rings in my head.

Again, thank you for giving me a safe place to share, Nikki

[Alffe]

Nikki I found myself leaning into the screen while reading your post....I wish I could give you a warm hug and we could share our tears. Two weeks ago I went to a neighbors house because her 28 yrs old son killed himself and I wanted her to know that she wasn't alone.

I am so glad you have a doctor that cares about you...that truely understands the anguish you are in. And your minister sounds like a good guy...a compassionate soul. It helps...every little bit helps. :grouphug:

I hope you haven't run into the thoughtless person (you will) who says the wrong thing because they don't know what to say...or who passes judgement on what your Dad did. I had a "friend" at church tell me that our son went straight to hell.

I spoke to Michael the evening that he killed himself...I invited him over for chili..he loved chili..and to watch a movie with us. He said no Mom, I'm just gonna chill out. He said I love you and I said I love you two. Later that night he put that gun in his mouth.

That feels like the ultimate rejection..when someone we love, and who professes to love us in return, chooses death over us...well, to say it hurts is a gross understatement. Michael was in perfect health...unlike your dear dad.

I lost my only brother to the monster cancer and he suffered. I wanted to put a pillow over his face to smother his screams. I can understand your dad not wanting to put you thru that. They (Michael, your dad, and anyone who completes suicide) will never understand what they have left us with.

We are forever changed but we will survive it....I used to think that suicide was my way out of this life but his act took that away from me. I could never to that to those who love me.

Nikki...it will get better but it's a long journey and you've only just begun.

:grouphug:

[nohope]

Oh Nik-key, you and your dear father were very very close.

One of the survivors on this forum, David, said something to me that I think about every trying moment, "baby steps". Everytime I feel total despair and hopelessness, I think "baby steps"

My husband was my best friend, in the end my worst enemy. Alcohol turned him into someone I didn't recognize. I just knew this was not the man I had married. He still was my very best friend and I shared everything with him for 17 years. My girls are 7 years apart. Not by choice. I lost 5 pregnancies inbetween them. Now I know alcohol had something to do with it.

When I came to this forum, all I could do is poor out my entire emotions. I had to spill some of the deepest darkest secrets in my marraige so the people here could understand what really happened. Because I did, that big black cloud that was following me has lifted and I finally see a blue sky. However, there are days where I wake to total overcast skies again and I jump right back on this forum.

Talking about it is part of the healing process. I am so glad you are talking. I can't talk to my kids about how I truly feel, and because his family is in total denial, I can't talk to them either. My friends want me to move forward and are sick of hearing about it. My family is too far away to hold me. So, I come here and feel healing. I have spent more time on my computer now than ever before. One day, I will break away and start my life over, but for now, I need you, you need me, and we all need each other.

Baby steps. (Thank you David)

[Doody]

((Nik-key)) You most certainly have come to the right place. There are people here who understand, and not the least of which is our dear Ms. Alffe.

I have no doubt your 'dreams' were real. I honestly think we let drop our barriers and allow ourselves to be open to whatever is 'out there' and I think that you felt and saw the truth. I'm so glad you were open to that communication.

Most certainly, those loved ones that you and Ms. Alffe and nohope have lost are in a better place.

And your doctor sounds like an amazing soul. What a dear and kind person to understand your pain and not dismiss it wholeheartedly. You are very lucky in that respect.

It's impossible to skip even one word of what you have said. Bless you for sharing. Hugs.

[Nik-key]

Once again, I just can't say it enough, it is such a blessing to talk with people who truly known the depth of my anguish.

I have not run across one single person who has ever said anything bad about my Dad. I have many very religious friends and family. Yet not one person has said one word of the stupid belief that God would turn his back on one of His children, when they needed Him the most. They better have a very strong faith in God if they ever do say something as ignorant and hateful as that, as I am thinking they would surly need Him before I was done with them! Alffe, I am so sorry that you were subjected to that poison. It is God's job to judge, not theirs, therefore, that IS a sin, so they must be going to hell. Bite me!! ooops sorry....got on a lil rant there....... As you can see, I believe in a LOVING God, NOT a punishing one.

Moving on.........Nohope, Alffe, I am so very sorry for your loss. You are both obviously amazing people. Made of strong stock, as my gram use to say. It gives me a bit of hope, that someday, I may too be able to find a way to carry on. I understand what you mean about not being able to talk about it with others. My poor sister knows it wasn't, but still keeps hoping it was an accident. *sigh* I feel for her, as I know this will make the healing last longer for her. I do have family around me, but it isn't the same. By that I mean, it is too personal to share with them. It is too raw, I don't want to further burden their grief, by overloading them with mine. We talk of course, we share. But here I feel......safe.......

Alffe, I read the post you wrote, about the Talmud ...it touched me. I decided I am going to that. I have some of his shirts, some are sealed to keep in his scent, others I sleep with, or wear when I need a hug. The next time I am in deep anguish, I am going to put one on, and just rip the hell out of it, in pain, sadness, anger, regret........just rip it to shreds. One day, I will place the first stitch in it, one day........

Thanks for being here :grouphug: Nikki

[BJ]

Nikki I can’t read your posts but I know what it says and I want to say I’m so sorry. As with any trauma, physical or emotional, in order to live through it and go forward it is my personal belief that a healing process must take place. Sadly, many survivors of a suicide never have the knowledge, or ability to work through this period. I didn’t, my parents didn’t but you’ve come to the right place.

My brother committed suicide and he was only 12 years old. He hung himself on the night of his graduation from middle school and I was the one who found him the next morning. No one knows why he did this, he just snapped but he knew what he was doing and that’s the hardest part to try to understand. I hid that from my parents for so long and they went to their graves thinking that Mark didn’t leave a suicide note. Now as the only child I was left with his legacy and a baggage of emotional pain, guilt, shame and the fear of ending up the same.

I thank God that I have been helped and, even more so, that I am willing to seek the help I've needed for so long. I don't believe I will ever get over what happened to Mark. However, I know that I can learn to live with this and move on. I know you’ve been deeply hurt and affected – but please know that there is hope and there is help and it will get better.

[Nik-key]

BP, The sadness, the loss, I am so sorry we all share this bond. I am glad you reached out and were able to seek help. It isn't an easy thing to do I know.

Doody, thank you for you post, it means a lot. My doctor is wonderful, as is my neuro. They truly care. It took me a long time to find them, but they were worth the wait. They have helped me though many things, I need them now, so I will let them help me through this. We made a pact. And one or the other calls weekly. I have an open appointment to just come in when I need to. With appointments every week to touch base. It is helping.

Alffe, I got to thinking about what you have writen a few time, " used to think that suicide was my way out of this life but his act took that away from me. I could never to that to those who love me." I think that right there is why I am finding it easier to forgive Dad. He had NO IDEA the hell he would leave behind. He only knew the hell he witnessed and knew he didn't want that for us. For that reason I can , and have forgiven him. Still angry? yes. But I do forgive him. Now, if someone else in my family were to do this, knowing the hell, the wreckage it leaves behind, I am not so sure I could. Well, I am a loving sort, so I would..........but it would be harder for sure.

Bless you all, Nikki :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

After my Dad took his life, I was left with an overwhelming need to find some way to say goodbye. It may sound corny, but I would put my favorite picture of him, on the table, in a chair, or just hug it, and try to talk to him. Other times I screamed, ranted at him and God. Though a good release, it didn't satisfy my need to find a way to say good-bye.

I then wrote Dad a letter. My step mom loved it, and asked if it could be read at his service. I had no problem with that, as what better place for a good-bye letter than at a funeral? But, I also knew it would have to me who read it. Nobody else could interpret the expressions or emotions I had put into it.

I had never done anything like this, But I knew I had try. It was hard, I shook so hard the minister had to hold me up.....but I did read my letter to Dad...
And I know he was there listening.....

I thought I would share it with you here.......

Daddy,

I didn’t get the chance…
To hold you one last time.
To feel that embrace, only My Dad can provide.
To tell you once again…How very much, I love you.
Not even the chance, to say good-bye.

At first I admit,
I had some anger with the grief.
Because Dad , I would have given, everything…
To have held you, helped you…
As you have always helped me.

I will forever wonder…
Why you didn’t let me know.
Was there anything… Anything…
That I could have, should have, done?
And, had I known… would you still be here with us now?

I will forever wish…
That I had only known…what you were planning.
That you had given me a choice…..
A chance……..
To let you know, this would hurt me worse.

I know now, you can feel your very soul…
As mine, I can feel it, and it is surely breaking.
How can I go on?
Dad, How is the better?
I feel so robbed, of all our tomorrows.

But Dad, this one true thing I know…
Beyond a shadow of a doubt …
Is that I know you love me…
And you know…
I love you…just as much.

Just as strong, is my understanding…
That though we are all, in great pain now…
Your pain …the hell you must have been in…
Daddy, I can’t imagine how hard you must have tried…
But, I also understand, it was more… than you could bear.

Dad, as deeply as I miss you,
As indeed, I forever …Will.
My greatest wish for you, And for this I am So grateful…
Is that you have at last found the peace...
You were so desperately… seeking.

I believe that you… in your own way…
Were trying to spare us… from what was haunting you that day.
You have always been my hero… that will never change.
I love you enough, to want you free from your pain.
Until we meet again Dad… give Steve a hug, from us.


Forever with Love, Nikki

[Alffe]

What a heart wrenching experience that must have been for you Nikki...what you wrote says it all and I think it's beautiful.:hug:

I'm all stirred up for several reasons. I said before that I was amazed at the similarities of some suicides. My neighbor missed the once a month suicide support group here (she was still out of town) so her daughter in law suggested that she attend the Compassionate Friends meeting. How I wish she had called me first as I could have spared her that nightmare. She said she sobbed the first hour of the meeting and then ran out of it. She went alone....never a good idea for the first time.

That group is wonderful for supporting parents who have lost children any other way than suicide. When you sit there listening to grieving parents talk about holding, tending to, rocking..etc. their ill and dying children...we are overwhelmed with the guilt and the knowledge that our loved ones died alone.
It adds to our guilt. How I wish I could have spared her that.

When Michael died, my sister gave me a Grief Journel and I wrote almost daily in it....today I can hardly believe some of the entries..I really should burn it before I die as my daughters would find it too upsetting.

[Nik-key]

Thank you Alffe:hug: I am writing more, it seems to be a release. I will put everything in with him when we have his final service.

Perhaps that is something you could do with your journal. I am not sure, maybe burn it, and scatter it. Symbolic. I know as a daughter, it would break my heart to think my poor mom had, and still is suffering so. Some things you just know, you don't need the proof.

I am still thinking on going to the nearest SOS support group meeting here. It the 2nd tuesday of each month. I was thinking of going alone, as my grief is mine alone....and I don't think I can share that with a friend, family sitting there. Always that need to protect others.

[Koala77]

Nik-key I'm so sorry that I didn't see your posts until today. My heart goes out to you for all the pain you've been through.

I had a cousin who shot himself, and when my own dad was diagnosed with cancer he took the entire supply of Morphine that he'd been given, thinking that if he died straight away we wouldn't have to watch him suffer. He didn't die from the overdose, but nor did he suffer a horrible painful death either like my Mom did. He only lived for 9 weeks after diagnosis.

The poem that you wrote for your father is just beautiful and it made me cry. I would have liked to have written something like that for when my own parents died, but I don't have the talent.

You're in my thoughts Nik-key. I wish I could give you a hug, but I just can't reach. :hug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

Nikki I found writing very very helpfull for me. Art of any kind is an exellent way to express feelings and emotions. and yes I write things I do not like after . I burn my poems I dont like. when I shared this with my writing group everyone seemed to be in oppisition of that but for me it makes perfect sence. as a way for me to let go alone in private without a bunch of questions or reasons to answer . I had to heal alone didnt want family or "friends" along every time I went. I had to heal from diffrent things then you but also some of the same things too. and you will find it is like that people are trying to heal from their own wounds (diffrent wounds) but we are all trying to heal . :hug: I love your poem it is beautiful . My dad died when I was 12 ,at home. I was a kid I wrote poems for him to him about him...and I still to this day write poems, letters and "talk" to him that way.
:hug: Nikki :hug:
Peace
BMW