To think I could have stopped him

[nohope]

My husband took his life on October 6, 2007. All I had to do was talk to him. but I couldn't. I hated him for what he was doing to us.

After a 17 year marraige and a union built so strong. This marraige struggled since 1996 after the birth of our first child.

He was my rock and my grounding place. But alcohol reighned. It was no more a social occassion, it was his daily repreive.

For years, I kept trying to bring him back to the man I married. I am not a fool. If you met him today, you would know why. He was loved by all. But I carried him, babied him, did everything for him. I was the "enabler", his rock. I crumbled.

I couldn't take it anymore. With the birth of our second child, he was at his worst and I put up with the mental and verbal abuse because of his drinking.
Rik had a very low self-esteem of himself, so he had no problem bringing everyone's faults to surfice to make him look better.

He leaned on me for everything and the resentment continued to grow.

When I gave him the ultimatitum of quitting and getting help, he slammed me with divorce papers. What he didn't realize, was that he was truly alone at that point and could not function without me.

I warned his family and friends as I could no longer talk to him. He did it. He killed himself on October 6th, 2007.

Now I am alone with two little girls and full of hatred for what he did. I will never forgive him. What now. I want to disapear, but can't because of the children.

I sold his truck today, finally. Now I don't have to look at it anymore. He took his life in the back seat.

Life used to be beautiful and we had so many dreams. Why?

[Jo*mar]

Talk it all out,
you are doing the best you can and the best you could do at the time.
We can't always change the things that may drive our loved ones to such a serious action.
The hate and the "could haves " are totally normal:grouphug:

[Alffe]

I'm so glad you don't have to look at that truck anymore! Having that constant reminder sitting out there is awful to even think about.

"to think I could have stopped him".....no, maybe prolonged his agony but you are not responsible for his death. He is. :hug:

[Bannet]

I agree with Alffe this is not YOUR fault.

You have two beautiful little girls who really need their mom right now!

I can't imagine what you are going through, but I can say that you are not alone.

I think talking it all out is the start of the healing process. Don't beat yourself up. You were the best wife and mom you could be.

My thoughts and Prayers are with you during this time:hug:

[jaded2nite]

No Hope

One of your statements strikes me. It does so because it sounds like me. When the alcohol took over all I wanted was the man I knew and loved to come back. I thought If I love him enough he would change. If I could only make him see how he had changed he would get better. If only.............If only.......for years I tried.

I decided that he wasn't going to make his life better so i had to make mine better. I left him and he took his life.

I felt guilty for a long long time. Then I started to realize that I saved myself because I could. I couldn't save him.

The man I loved was gone long before his death.

I know its hard, I know the guilt, But I also know your life is important your girls are important. Your life still can be beautiful, Your dreams will change but can be wonderful nonetheless.

HANG IN THERE
Dottie

To think I could have stopped him......I too thought that at one time. Then I thought I couldn't get him to stop drinking what makes me think Im powerful enough to have stopped this!

[nohope]

You are right Alffe, I would have prolonged the inevitable. I know God is totally against divorce. Both of us came from families with no divorce. I believe God made the last two years happen to strenghten me for what was to come. That is why he died 2 days before the judgement of divorce was to be finalized, cause God didn't want it to happen. Now I am torn from being a widow to that of a divorcee. I can't make up my mind on what group counseling I should be in. If I go to a divorce group, my crying will be from his death and if I go to a survivors of suicide group, no one would understand my anger. I can't afford counseling, cause I have no insurance. Can't get state assistance because I get social security.

I am so glad I can come here to talk. I really need to talk, I have so much built up inside. Even if I only get out tidbits, it still makes me feel so much better.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

[nohope]

Dottie, you've worn my shoes. I hated who I'd become when I was around him. From 2004 to 2006, I kept asking myself would I be better off out of this marraige or to stay in it. The more drinking he did, the more mental damage he inflicted on me. The more I cared, he would rage that I was brainwashing him. But then watching what was happening with the children. Oh God, I should have left him long before.

I get so incredibly angry at his brother and sister for them saying that they were going to do intervention and that would have cured him. If I couldn't save him, if the thought of losing his precious little girls couldn't have saved him, what makes them think they could! I can't even talk to them! My husband's other sister died 2 weeks before him from the same addiction and they say they should have intervened with her too.

Oh, I just want to scream! I hate him! I hate his family!

I gotta go cry some more now.

[Alffe]

You are right Alffe, I would have prolonged the inevitable. I know God is totally against divorce. Both of us came from families with no divorce. I believe God made the last two years happen to strenghten me for what was to come. That is why he died 2 days before the judgement of divorce was to be finalized, cause God didn't want it to happen. Now I am torn from being a widow to that of a divorcee. I can't make up my mind on what group counseling I should be in. If I go to a divorce group, my crying will be from his death and if I go to a survivors of suicide group, no one would understand my anger. I can't afford counseling, cause I have no insurance. Can't get state assistance because I get social security.

I am so glad I can come here to talk. I really need to talk, I have so much built up inside. Even if I only get out tidbits, it still makes me feel so much better.

Thank you everyone for your kind words.

Nohope, I think you should go to the suicide support group. Trust me, they understand anger!

[DMACK]

nohope............:hug:

Remember one thing we all as individuals have freedom of choice, your husband made his. YOU DID NOT MAKE IT FOR HIM.

Accept it was his choice, and you can start to move on.

The pain and hurt he left behind now affects you and your children, he chose to end his life because for whatever reason he felt, he could not cope anymore.

You must choose now to live life, and prepare your children to live life. What happened was a nightmare... but with nightmares you do eventualy wake up.

You can choose to let his actions ruin your life and consume your waking day, or one day you can say.

'you know what! he did what he thought was best for him, now i will do wats best for me.'


Life is all about the choices we make, coupled with circumstances of life itself
We survive or do not.

Ultimately we have A CHOICE.

:GOOD LUCK DEAR LADY....:hug:...........Baby Steps...........baby steps...

David

[jaded2nite]

I hated for a long time too. His family blamed me. Hell I blamed myself.

It was years before I could really celebrate my birthday. He purposely chose my birthday to do it. He wrote that he wanted me to think of him every year on MY day. Yeah,,, pretty selfish.

Hate will eat you up. I don't hate them anymore. Iam the only one that can honestly say I did everything I could to make it work.

I hate what happened, I hate the abuse I lived with, I hate what he let happen to us. But I don't hate him or his family any longer.

You will get there. I don't know you but I know the anger,
it will get better, you will probably never forget but I think in time you may forgive.

I hope you can go to a suicide support group....I wish I had. I may have healed sooner.

:hug::hug::hug: I wish I could give you a real hug!

[nohope]

Thank you David, I lean on your every word. I am crying right now. I've had it! I feel completely hopeless cause I can't get out of this shell. I loved him more than anything in the world and I was his everything and felt his undying love. They say you only find true love once. This wasn't him talking, it was the alcohol. This wasn't my husband, I didn't recognize him, I just knew this was not the man I had married.

I can't put it away. How can I start over if I can't let go?

Thank you again, David for the "baby steps"

[nohope]

I don't ever want to stop hating him or to forgive him cause I could never go on living with this broken heart. Today is my birthday and I am crying and just want to throw up.

What a terrible day for your's to pick to end his life. Yes, they blamed us for everything and could never own up to any fault or responsibility!

I would love to hug you right back. Hug.......................

[DMACK]

nohope HAPPY BIRTHDAY:hug:


The pain you feels so raw because you truly loved the man.
You rightly so.. feel betrayed by his alcoholism, the break up of your marriage, and his Suicide.

I dont know anything about him, but did he prior to drinking talk openly with you about his emotions, if he did not ..then he drank to realease his feelings [misguidedly] If he did use to talk, then i'm afraid mental illness took a hold of him either prior to drinking excesively or because of continued drinking.

Either way his death was his choice...CHOOSE to live your life dear friend,

[No1]Dance like no ones watching, sing like no ones listening, take a photograpgh every day to record YOUR life. Eat copious amounts of anything that gives you happiness [ EXERCISE for at least thirty mins a day]

Smile at a stranger every day, and when you think the world is coming to an end, look into your childrens eyes, and go back to number one.

DAVID:hug:

[Jo*mar]

I've never been through anything like what you have been through , but I do know that holding onto the hate will eat at you and cause more problems in the long run. I sure you know that in your heart too, it's probably why you are so torn up. You are having a mix of both broken heart and hate for this loss.

A broken heart does mend , sometimes it takes a long time....

I think a suicide support group too - Is there free support groups or even a church group, priest/pastor or ??
Are the children school age ?- they might be able to have some counseling there or county resources
if they are of an age to know what happened they should talk with someone too.

You mentioned you nearly divorced and your thoughts on it, here are some of my thoughts-
I really don't think God is against all divorce- he does want it to be a lifetime commitment - not just a legal shack up:o
Sometimes it is very necessary.
{Dr Laura { I know, some don't like her:o} she is against divorce in most cases - unless adultery, abuse or alcohol/drug addiction
{and spouse's refusal to get treatment for those}

[nohope]

Thank you David!

That was one of the reasons why my husband was my best friend and we were inseperable as we could talk about anything all day all night. I shared with him my deepest darkest secrets and he shared his. However he would never accept fault or blame in anything he did. Never once did he talk of hurting himself! He wept openly and hard when his oldest brother killed himself. I just knew that from the constant abuse of alcohol that he would. Especially after his sister died from it. In his last years he was never in the "right state of mind". The things that he was doing or saying were shocking! Everybody thought I was the crazy one! After he died people called me in shock and said I had been vendicated. No one calls me anymore and I am tired of calling or emailing them first, like Abbie also said. These were friendships over 10-15 years old.

My mom just called to wish me a happy birthday and I just cried. She always listened and believed me like no one else, but she can't hug me cause she's 300 miles away.

My husband was a wonderful loving husband and father and devoted to family. That's what makes this so unbelieveable that the power of alcohol made him a demon who destroyed a beautiful family.

It is unacceptable.

[Burntmarshmallow]

:hug: nohope :hug:.
I can share that a good friend I had at one time was married to a heavy drinker. we had our first babies around the same time. our husbands worked together. my older sister had an affair with my friends husband .my friend found out and asked for devorice ... my friends husband commited suicide . he hung himself with a enegine lift cable after he sat there drinking and drinking in his car. thought I am not in your shoes I send a hug from my heart to you ! :hug: (((no hope))):hug:
Peace
BMW

[nohope]

You are right. I am torn between a broken heart and hatred. I can't let go of the hatred for fear my heart will never heal. I am scared at what this may do to my 4 and 11 year old. My girls are great! Wish I could've healed so quickly. When our seperation was really getting heated up and ugly, I contacted the pediatrician and my oldest daughter's school principal and teacher. I insisted she get counseling. Someone she could share things with that she could not share with me or her father. I told her everyone has to have a friend that they know won't spill their secrets. She felt intimitated and had no need for this intervention. My girls are "thriving" as their pediatrician says. They are very happy, healthy ordinary kids. They rarely bring up daddy. They really are doing great! But what about me? I really want to put this away and start a new life, but can't get out of this tradgedy. I feel like I am at the movies watching a repeat over and over......................

[nohope]

Thank you for sharing this. Similar circumstances. I wonder if your friends husband felt like mine, that he couldn't go on without the one who was doing everything for him. The enabler.

[DMACK]

nohope

When you find the time, have a read of this ....its very long but has substance and is very informative especialy the 3rd paragraph under the heading Consequences of substance abuse.

Please never think i'm trying to justify your husbands life and death.

I just want you to move forward in YOUR LIFE.:hug:

http://users.erols.com/ksciacca/chaptfam.htm


DAVID

[Burntmarshmallow]

I will never be able to answer that question and it is not mine to answer.
I do know I wasnt the most popular person in friends eyes and in her husbands families eyes. And I lost as much as everyone else that day. guilt by being family member . i couldnt believe and still hard to think my sister did that. but my friend and I have healed enough so that we talk not as close but we talk and every year me and hub made sure a gift was under tree for that little girl. she is grown past santa now of corse they dont stay little for very long . and your babies are the best thing that came from your marriage, look at them and let them help you heal and move on.
:grouphug:

[jaded2nite]

Happy Birthday My birthday was last wednesday and it was nice.

You don't think so now, but one day you will celebrate again.

Kids are so great. they bounce back fast. I know my son said a couple of years later that he missed him.....but not the drunk him. He knew so much more than I thought he did.....I thought I had hidden it all so well.

Dottie

[nohope]

Happy belated birthday!

I wonder if my children will remember all the spankings they got from daddy because of his rage when on alcohol. I wonder if my then 7 year old remembers daddy not feeding the baby and spanking her at 4 months of age to be quiet so he could sleep the day away. My oldest told me the other day of having to make her own PB&J cause daddy wanted to take a nap with the baby. I wonder if they will remember the constant screaming and mental abuse he lavished on them. I wonder if they will forget the love and hugs and time spent with him when he wasn't drunk.

I know my 11 year old will never forget daddy. She was wrapped around his finger before he became sick. I pray I can at least save my 4 year old and make her forget as she only remembers the dark side of daddy.

How old was your son?

[Chemar]

((((((((((nohope))))))))))
I am hoping that your birthday will bring blessing, in the midst of the pain you are feeling.

sadly the friends in this room understand :grouphug:
and I so pray their support and compassion will be like balm to your soul and that you will be encouraged

I really pray that God will move in very deeply healing ways to restore hope for you and your little ones.

with much hope for today to be a new beginning for you and your children:hug:

[jaded2nite]

Oh sweetie you lived my life. My son was 16 when I finally got some ba**s and left.

the straw that broke the camels back was when he, in a drunken rage went after my son. I put up with him abusing me but not the kids!!!!

He was my sons step-dad so I guess its different, But the things they saw are still the same.

Hang tough girl.:hug::hug:

Wow this has brought back alot!! But I can see thing so much clearer now. I was an enabler too!! BIG TIME

[nohope]

Thank you Chemar, I had so hopped that this new year would bring new hope. I wish too that today would be the start of a new beginning. Maybe it is the end of my past. I can't stand this emotional turmoil. One day I feel great, the next in the dumps.

Thank you for the birthday wish!

[nohope]

I can't believe not even the state would kick in for the sake of our kids. When I finally fled the home with the girls and the dog and enough changes of clothes for a few days, I could not get a restraining order against him to protect the children! They said the abuse had to be on me and only then could I blanket the children with a restraint! I am so glad I finally left the home! The police even threatened me with arrest if I didn't return with the children as he was also a custodial parent. It took me years to come to the conclusion to leave. Everytime I threatened him, he'd calm down on the drinking and I would linger hoping it was permanent. Wrong! Talking to his brother, my husband had several wrecks with his truck. God, he could have killed someone! What about my girls??!!! He was always intoxicated wherever he went. Load up the kids in their car seats and drive them wherever while I was at work. In 2005, I finally started taking the kids with me everywhere including work. You wouldn't believe the things he was telling our friends and family about that. Dispicable lies. It was awful. Just like you I would do anything for my children. Unfortunetly this was not my girls step father, but daddy.

[nohope]

I don't understand how he could take the easy way out? I did EVERYTHING for him! I loved him so much and he loved me. My God! He adored his kids! We created them together. I cannot move forward because I cannot understand how he could possibly do this.

This is just sick! I hate him and his alcohol addiction! Why Why Why? We were inseparable, a team, we did everything together, every waking moment of the day. In my eyes, there was no greater love. I cannot move forward. I cannot put this to rest. I will never love another man long as I live, cause I loved him.

I can't get over the hate. How can I put one foot in front of the other when these boots are covered in mud (life's circumstances). I truely don't know how to go forward with this missing person, icon, whatever.

[Jo*mar]

I found this information,
[Grieving a Suicide

The suicide of a loved one raises painful questions, doubts and fears. Some cultures see it as shameful or an affront to God.
Survivors ask themselves: Why wasn’t my love enough to save this person? What could I have done? How did I fail? What will people think? Feelings of failure, shame and blame exacerbate the sorrow of loss.

It’s important that, in addition to the healing strategies described above, you do the following if you lose someone you love to suicide:

* If you have religious concerns, try to find a gentle, nonjudgmental member of your faith, and be open when talking with that person about what happened, and about your feelings.
* Rather than being concerned about the stigma surrounding suicide, concentrate on your own healing and survival.
* Confront the word suicide, difficult as it may be. If you keep the cause of death a secret, you won’t be able to speak freely about the person you lost, and you’ll block a pathway to recovery.
* Talk openly with your family and friends so that everyone’s grief can be expressed.
* Do something that will benefit others in your loved one’s name.

Difference between grief and depression

If you are grieving, you may experience a number of depressive symptoms, such as frequent crying, profound sadness, and depressed mood. However, while major depression is categorized as a psychological disorder, grief is not. Grief is a normal and healthy response to bereavement, not an illness. Its symptoms are painful, but they serve an adaptive purpose.

The American Psychiatric Association states that, as a general rule, normal grief does not warrant the use of antidepressants. While medication may alleviate some of the symptoms of grief, it cannot treat the cause, which is the loss itself. Furthermore, by numbing the pain that must be worked through eventually, antidepressants delay the mourning process. When grief continues to be a disruptive and debilitating presence, you may be suffering from depression. If you have a prior history of depression or lack social support, you are particularly at risk.
Symptoms that sugggest a bereaved person is also depressed::

* Intense feelings of guilt.
* Thoughts of suicide or preoccupation with death.
* Feelings of worthlessness.
* Slow speech and body movements.
* Inability to function at work, home, and/or school.
* Finds no pleasure in previously-enjoyed activities.
* Hallucinations of the deceased.]

more information about it-
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/grief_loss.htm
http://www.betterhealth.vic.gov.au/bhcv2/bhcarticles.nsf/pages/Suicide_family_and_friends


this might help to explain some of his actions and why he couldn't/didn't change- Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism:
http://www.helpguide.org/mental/alcohol_abuse_alcoholism_signs_effects_treatment.h tm

maybe it will help you to understand some of it
I know you also mentioned his family's history of emotional/alcohol issues...

[nohope]

Thank you Jo, I don't have any of these symtoms, just rage. This is my loved one we are talking about. He was a wonderful admired person and because of his addiction he is gone. Oh, Iam so angry.

I have to figure this out, my dilemna? but thank God you are all here. Baby steps. I hope you will all walk with me.

[Abasaki]

I believe anger is a normal reaction....

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/suicide/MH00048 (http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/suicide/MH00048)

[Alffe]

Nohope, honey..I think you have all of the symptoms..they just take turns showing up and right now rage is taking the lead. :grouphug:

[Doody]

((Nohope)) And it hasn't even been very long. There is no right or proper way to grieve, nor do we all do it in the same order necessarily. I've seen people grieve in so many ways.

Just please try to take care of yourself in the meantime. Grieving can take its toll on our health so please eat well and don't short yourself on sleep or those comforting baths, or whatever pleases you!

http://home.mchsi.com/~njp/emoticons/hug2.gif

[nohope]

I look at the replies next to the views and see 31 replies to 380 views. I wonder just how many survivors of suicide are out there feeling the way that we do and keep it bottled up. Isn't that so much worse than talking it out? When your family and friends change the subject, you know that they have moved on. Can you talk it out here where we all care about you and want to hear you?

I was told by my 4 year old today that I "always go the wrong way!" Then my 11 year old chanted in how much longer it takes to get anywhere cause I always make that mistake. Yep, driving down the road, totally distracted by my world, I cuss and have to turn around some where. I am always distracted and totally tune everything out as I replay the last 17 years over and over in my head. Drives me nuts! If it aint that gas is ridiculous enough right now! Or I go to the grocery store, with a list, and find that I have put a couple miles on the cart going back and forth down the isles passing what is right there on the list! Alffe, I so feel for your friend. Even though the comments made to her are "new" everyday, although they have been repeated over and over, I have absorbed every bit of it and retain it. At my weekest points I lean on those comments to get me through even just a minute of despair. Her ground is still wet, mine is starting to dry.

I still have the memory tree out in my back yard at my rental home. I had used this tree at his memorial for monetary donations to the girls college education fund. Only my brother, me and a friend tied money to the tree! I had intended on taking it up to the mountain (our favorite place) where he killed himself. I was going to plant it and decorate it for Christmas. Never did. Now I have reserved our toasting glasses from our wedding to bash them at the base of where I finally plant the tree.

On the lighter side, my 11 year old that has hit the honor roll 3 times in a 12 month period has been elected to represent her middle school to incoming elementary students. Wow! How is it humanly possible that this child against all odds can continue to come out glowing? She even made the cheerleading team last week!!!! I gave her lots of hugs and high-fives tonight and told her that her daddy would have been so proud! She was beaming. How can I look at these glowing kids and be so sad?

I used to love life. We had it all. A wonderful functionable family, a beautiful home, extended family and did all the normal things a family would. The children were in their clubs like soccer, tap, ballet, and social groups, we did the family days, vacations, just had a love of life. All of that is gone. Living off social security is not the greatest. When my littlest begins kindegarten in the fall, I want to throw all my energy back into re-opening my small business. I hope to be back in business by March of next year.

It's kind of sad that I can see our beautiful home up on the mountain from my daughters bedroom window from our rental home. So many memories. This road trip that I am thinking about this summer, I might be looking to live somewhere else. We have been in Portland since 1991, 6 months after my marraige to him. So many memories it hurts to drive anywhere. Maybe that's why I am so distracted!

All you viewers out there, I sure want to hear from you. Please come in and join us, we all care and are here to relieve each other:)

Oh, and Nina says woof. She is doing the best she can and has a smile all over her face!

[Twinkletoes]

Just a note to say YOU ARE LOVED!!! :hug::hug::hug:

[DMACK]

nohope
Some one read this to me several yeas ago ...........

As we growp up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
you'll have your heart broken probably more than once, and it's harder every time.
You'll probabl break hearts too, so remember how your heart was when broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
Blame a new love, for something and old love did.
You'll cry because time is passing by to fast, and you'll eventually loose someone you love.
So take pictures, Laugh too much, and LOVE like you've never been hurt before.
Because for every sixty seconds you spend upset, is one minute of happines, you'll never get back.
Don't be afraid that life life has ended.

Be afraid that it will never begin.


I'M GLAD YOU REFER TO YOUR GROUND AS 'DRYING'

nohope...................hope is there and the resolve you have will shine through.

David

[jaded2nite]

Nohope

Keep drying that ground.........Sorry I've been absent.

please know I care. Just have to be distant for now!


Love and healing thoughts ..............I KNOW!!


Dottie