about me

[Burntmarshmallow]

How many times?
When I was just a tot uncle committed suicide to escape the horrible monster called cancer after fighting for a few years and only getting more ill.
His name was Art... (Arthur)
When I was in middle school was at a friend’s house with other friends we had cut class to go see a pal who wasn’t coming to school he and his g.f. had just broken up. We had scored a six-pack and brought it over to just hang out and stuff. That friend after while got up went into room and shot himself while we were out in living room. His name was Steven
My first crush boy friend had bi polar no one really hung out with him at school but I did. He always had the biggest smile and his nickname was smiley. His parents moved and shortly after moving away he committed suicide. He was a really really great boy with a wonderful kind caring way about him .His Name was Bob.
Next year following that my dad “died” and shortly after that a car full of my neighborhood pals crashed into a pole and 3 of the 6 died. That is when I first tried to take my own life. L I over came the depression I never graduated from high school.
When I was 16 my mom moved and I was on my own working and paying rent.
I moved to Florida with my high school boy friend. We lived together then got married.
Had 2 girls. met a new neighbor who was from conn. Next town from where I grew up we became good friends her hub and my hub worked together. My sister had affair with my friend’s hub. My friend asked for devoice he committed suicide he was the best man at our wedding his name was Doug. He was a heavy drinker in his free time.
Was last day of school on way to pick up my first born from 3ed grade. Was stopped in school zone behind other cars. Xing guard in middle of highway moms and kids were xing. I woke up in the hosp. 6 days later all messed up. Was hit by trailer truck and pancake into car in front of me. Yes I had seat belt on and yes my little one was in safety seat. No one died and I got the worst of injuries. My little one only got a long lasting black eye. THANK GOD!!!!!!! THANK SEAT BELTS!!!!!
Face pain face pain no meds helping. Meds making me zombie I have no life I cant be mom. I am not even human I am some freak. I am making my family go threw such hell bills. I am so dependent on them (family)… that is when I thought about ending my life a second time. I told my pain doctor he sent me to big big hosp here in Florida I got another doctor who helped me fight in court and who also did operation for my neuro stimulator. I found a councilor I felt I could talk with. I talked and talked and talked and cryed and cryed was angry. I learned many things to do and not to do for me myself. I got threw and
Here I am. I like this new me much better even with all the dents and scratches. I say I was just rebuilt by some big guy in heaven. His name is God.
Two years ago my cousin who worked as guard at prison committed suicide.
When I was a tiny kid I got a graduation picture of him and I kept it by my bed. I thought he was the coolest cousin big and strong and having his picture by my bed would scare the boogieman and bad dreams away plus I thought he was good looking which ya know ha ha.. I wish he had something to scare his bad dreams away. His name was also Steven.
so thats a look at me. dont look to long, and know that not all of me is bad or ugly.
PEACE
BMW hugs to the room :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Alffe]

Oh I like you a whole bunch with all your dents and scratches BMW!! And you certainly have had more than a passing acquaintence with suicide...congrats on getting the necessary help...if you hadn't been honest about what you were feeling...who knows what might have happened.

thank you for trusting us enough to share....warm hugs. :hug:

And Tammie...I hope your relatives are getting support somewhere. :grouphug:

[Av8rgirl]

BMW, thanks for allowing us to see inside the window of your life. You've definitely had a lot of speed bumps along your highway through life.

A very wise person once told me that God only gives you what you can handle. Sometimes I wonder when those challenges will stop. I feel like I've had more than I can handle sometimes, then remember that it's always one day at a time and I don't have to do it all at once or all by myself.

:hug: to you BMW...you are a very special person. As is everyone...each in his or her own way.

[Twinkletoes]

Awwww, sweetie, you've sure had a lot of hurt and sadness in your life.

But please know that we love you and want you to be happy. We're always here for you.

Thanks for the hugs -- sending some back your way: :hug::hug::hug:

Check in again soon, will ya? Let us know how you are doing. We really do care. XOXOXOX

[tamiloo]

BMW…thank you so much for sharing your story…it means so much to me…

Alffe…my relatives aren’t seeking help…doing a lot of drinking…a lot. Oh, gosh it hurts...
http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj281/olhipie/prod_681_18488.gif

[Koala77]

BMW.....you've been through too much. I have no rocket science type stuff to say, but I hear you. I feel your pain.

http://i265.photobucket.com/albums/ii230/russnanne/Anne%20sigs/Annehugs.jpg

[Alffe]

Oh Tammi they are self medicating. :( Is there a support group near them? Has anyone suggested it? Are they talking about the suicide? How we "deal" with all the emotions that accompany suicide is key to our healing. :hug:

[Doody]

(((BMW))) (((Ms. Loo))) Many hugs and much love.

[tamiloo]

Oh Tammi they are self medicating. :( Is there a support group near them? Has anyone suggested it? Are they talking about the suicide? How we "deal" with all the emotions that accompany suicide is key to our healing. :hug:

Alffe...they don't think they need help...I can't remember how much I have told you...but my son who had only been married for a few weeks who went with his bride to my nieces home...after the funeral left my son and moved to Oregon and moved in with my niece and they are now a couple...so the children are suffering...

Maybe I should start a new thread....don't know...what do ya think..??

Hugs again too ya dear BMW:hug::hug::hug::hug:

[jaded2nite]

No words just ((((Bwm)))) ((((Loo))))


Dottie

[Burntmarshmallow]

Since this is a thread about me do you think it would be okay to talk about my spirtuality . I am not exactly a bible lover and I dont go to and never was rasied going to church I have never been baptised or christened or anything like that and I get .. arggh i just get the wrath of others most of the time:(... so would it be allowed ???.should I go post in the spiritulaity forum? I dont want a bunch of people telling me I should be doing this or that. or like a recent real life thing ...tell me I am rejecting God and why am I not doing what God asks of me... I felt horrible after that talk and it bothers me still even tho it was over a month ago. :(
would this sort of talk be allowed in here ??????????????????

[Twinkletoes]

Since this is a thread about me do you think it would be okay to talk about my spirtuality . I am not exactly a bible lover and I dont go to and never was rasied going to church I have never been baptised or christened or anything like that and I get .. arggh i just get the wrath of others most of the time:(... so would it be allowed ???.should I go post in the spiritulaity forum? I dont want a bunch of people telling me I should be doing this or that. or like a recent real life thing ...tell me I am rejecting God and why am I not doing what God asks of me... I felt horrible after that talk and it bothers me still even tho it was over a month ago. :(
would this sort of talk be allowed in here ??????????????????

BMW, it's your thread! You can talk about anything you want. :wink:

Just because you weren't raised in a religious environment doesn't make you a bad person. It's okay to have questions, and if you want to explore them on your thread, then go right ahead.

Our job (as I see it) is to be supportive. It's possible we may not agree on certain issues, but we still loves ya!!! :circlelove:

[DMACK]

Dear BMW


Spirituality, is not a deemed by a dinomination, church, or belief in religion.

its from inside you as a human, there are many who attend church that i would not class as spiritual;

Love the world, be kind to yourself and others, and respect Nature thats my belief, if im wrong then so be it.

Good luck in your belief, you sound spiritual to me :hug:

David

[Burntmarshmallow]

I watched and listened to the music video“Does Anybody Hear Her” by the Casting Crows. And found myself amused by how true it is in real life.
About a month ago I went and took placement test, Because I am working on getting my G.E.D. So we go in room meet instructor then we all went to comp room and took our test on the computer. Well I finished my test first so I went back to room and the instructor decided to have a Jesus talk with me. Asked what I know about Jesus and well I could not say much at all. My eyes bore tiny holes in the tiled floor .I fought back tears .She slowly made me feel horrible so that by the time I was driving home I felt really pretty sad and upset. Funny how some stranger can trip ya up. She asked me why I rejected God and why I am not doing what God wants me to be doing? Asked me why I am not baptized or christened.? Why I have not chosen a religion? She told me to open the bible and say out loud “if your real Jesus then show yourself. Then be ready because he will make himself know and he probly wont like that I am not baptized,” well I just let her talk and let myself feel worse and worse. I wondered why since she was representing her God why she didn’t invite me to her church? I wondered why her God would want another person to feel so bad and upset when there is a conversation about her God? One should feel good, happy and comfort when they are talking of/about God not sad or upset. I wondered why this person wanted me to feel sad and upset? I wondered why this person thought I wasn’t doing what God wanted of me and why this person thought I had rejected God? Then I thought that my God isn’t the same as her God. And that God shows his work and has been all my life right beside me. He hears me when I write, hears me when I “talk/pray” Not in a church but to the sky or to my ceiling or to the ocean waves . . .God shows me ways I can help others know that God cares, by helping and caring for others… strangers or friends. And I am doing what God wants me to be doing just by doing that. I have raised 2 great kids who do the same thing. I have taught them that we are all the same and different .the thing is most don’t realize we are both of those things at the same time and all a person wants to do is fit in and get along despite being those 2 things.
And when you can and do help another no matter how big or small of a way that you help them, then that shows what God thinks. Its not if you go to church every Sunday and listen to a sermon or have some human take away your “sins” or preach to others it is how you treat others without judgments , how you care and believe no matter what… in yourself and in God.
So maybe in that music video the young lady isn’t running a million mile in the wrong direction maybe she is going in the right direction right on past all the people who aren’t truly close to God. Past the ones who dilute the true God… Maybe God is holding her hand and pushing. pulling her forward. Maybe she is just thinking too much on the obstacles that she can’t see God is right there. Maybe those obstacles are not a bad thing but a way of learning . and I think most of us will have hardships much like Jesus did and we all have things we must endure in our life’s much like Jesus did. And we should not blame or feel guilty about them much like Jesus was forgiving and caring despite those hardships. Maybe if she were walking down my street I would invite her in for dinner and help her and listen to what ever she would like to talk about.
Because even tho I haven’t been baptized and don’t go to church and have not chosen a Religion none of that matters I know that is what my God would want me to do... CARE.

[Curious]

Since this is a thread about me do you think it would be okay to talk about my spirtuality . I am not exactly a bible lover and I dont go to and never was rasied going to church I have never been baptised or christened or anything like that and I get .. arggh i just get the wrath of others most of the time:(... so would it be allowed ???.should I go post in the spiritulaity forum? I dont want a bunch of people telling me I should be doing this or that. or like a recent real life thing ...tell me I am rejecting God and why am I not doing what God asks of me... I felt horrible after that talk and it bothers me still even tho it was over a month ago. :(
would this sort of talk be allowed in here ??????????????????


hugs for my bmw...:hug:

my hubby didn't know god or anything about the bible before we got married.

long story...but his personal story..so i can pm it to you.

but some well meaning friends made him feel like a fool, because he didn't know anything about the bible, god, prayer..you name it. invited him to deep bible studies, stuff like that.

so he and i started with childrens bible story books. he had to learn the story first. it progressed from there. it also had to be something he learned about before he could make the choice and committment himself.

i'm sorry anyone would treat you that way. that person is their own person and does not represent christians as a whole.

i have had years and years where i was extrememly active in church. most of my life was centered around it. things can change. churches can change. the higherarchy can get a bit big headed. but there are churches that meet everyone's needs. it can just take some searching if that is what you want.

church is anywhere you worship. it's in your heart. it's sitting in a chair by the window and finding that inner peace. the moment of silence. the song of bird.

and yep...god wants us to care. :hug:

[Doody]

(((BMW))) You ARE a wonderful person.

I was raised to go to Sunday school and church ... every ... single ... Sunday ... of my growing up years! I listened, recited, listened, recited. I hated confirmation classes every Wednesday after school let out! And the day I was 'confirmed' into the church, I quit going. My parents weren't too thrilled but then I was a rebellious teen at that point.

I chose then to learn and believe in what I wanted to learn and believe in. Not what others wanted and forced me to learn and believe. Unfortunately, a few years later I married a very brutal man, and he led me into being an athiest. (Hard to explain, but abusers are very good at brainwashing.) The exact opposite of what I had just been taught all of my life. I lived with an athiest belief most of my adult life.

And actually...I didn't start to find my own spirituality until a few years ago when visiting dear friends in S. Carolina. I feel at peace now with my beliefs about life and death.

Now, you are much like my daughter! Since I wasn't a church-goer, she was raised to believe in whatever she wanted. We visited churches, she would sometimes go with my parents (not often). But she was never forced to go to Sunday school or church every Sunday. I did baptize her, however...I did that because other family members had a fit that I wasn't going to and I couldn't stand the constant 'harping'. Because that's really what it was!! People were SO afraid at the thought of her not being baptized, and I find that very sad.

I tried to raise her to be a loving and caring person, and that she definitely is. I did a good job! Her beliefs are her's, not mine. And I have absolutely no doubt that you too are a very loving and caring person.

Shame on those people for badgering you. (Hellfire and damnation talk don't sit well with me.) You have every right to deal with your beliefs in the way that you want dear lady. :heartthrob:

I also believe that you will find the most caring people here who won't judge your beliefs...and if they do!, well then... I'll find em and poke em with my handy dandy stick for you! :Poke: :D

[KathyM]

BMW

Yours is a story I've heard all too often, and it's my story too. It's one of the MAIN reasons why I've turned my back on that label (Christianity). You know why that woman did that to you? I do. :p She wanted to take credit for "saving" you. She wanted to feel good about herself for "lifting someone up" to the word of God. She doesn't know the first thing about your heart, yet she felt empowered to practice her "God-given" judgment and power on you. :mad: She wants to boast to her friends she's a "good Christian" because she's helping you, a lowly heathen. :eek::p

I'm sorry you had to come across a person like this arrogant woman. :( It has nothing to do with you or your relationship with God. Only God knows the details of your path in life, as well as the reason for all the twists and turns. :hug:

Signed,

Your Fellow Lowly Heathen :D

[Burntmarshmallow]

:grouphug:
KathM. That is one of the sillest things I have heard ...someone getting credit for saving and or lifting me up. the only one who can do that is me myself and I . LOL and really who has time to boast when there is so many out here that need helping".You may be a heathen but your a funny one and i like that :hug:

Doody I have already found some of the most caring non Judgmental people right here :hug: and of corse that includes me :D . your grandbaby and dd looks so peacefull and happy in the pic. gots those baby blue eyes ;)

Curious ... "church is anywhere you worship. it's in your heart. it's sitting in a chair by the window and finding that inner peace. the moment of silence. the song of bird.
and yep...god wants us to care. "
Thanks for saying that Curious that is a comfort something I have always believed and good to hear from someone else. :hug:

Thankyou for listening and making me feel better you guys are pretty alright :grouphug:
Peace BMW

[nohope]

A million thanks for this, Burntmarshmallow. You and I live in the real world, like most of us.

I grew up in an extremely religious family. Forced to go to church every Sunday, Wed night groups, been baptized, forced to go to the altar to accept Jesus. Even when we couldn't go to church because of snow or sickness, we were forced to endure a sermon by my father for over an hour. I did what I was told, but when reaching the teen years, resented it. I was ridiculed by other sundayschoolers for wearing the same dress every Sunday. We had no money. When I left home, I refused to go to church. Since then, I have met friends doing the most dispicable things and lying, but say they are forgiven just by going to church to ask for forgiveness. In my eyes, that is unacceptable and they are hypocrites. The biggest thing I can relate to in your version, is the condemning of the church. I want to make sure my children believe in God. I put my oldest in a bible camp over the summer couple years ago. We were not a part of that church and knew no one. I remember the stares. But the part that gets me the most, is that no one ever greated us and welcomed us and asked us to come to Sunday services. No one! We were alienated much like when I was a teen and we never went back. I continue to deal with hypocrites everyday which makes me lean further from the church. I believe in God and am not ashamed to admit it. Because I choose not to go to church does not make me hell bound. At least I can rest assured that I am not commiting sin and have to repent every Sunday like them hypocrites.

When I first came on to this site and everyone responded and with alot of response was God, I got kinda leary about staying here cause I thought it was a religious site. I was wrong and I am glad I stayed.

We are all individuals with our own beliefs and NO ONE has any right to tell us what is the right or wrong way. That is God's job! I get all heated up when I think about that unfeeling remark that woman made to Alffe after her son's death and how he was destined for hell. Is she God? She should have been struck down by lightening at that very moment. How dare her.

You just keep believing the way that you believe and we are not here to judge you. We are all her for a "pick-me-up" and I think we are doing a pretty darn good job of it!

[Burntmarshmallow]

I agree nohope you all here are helping and doing the most exellentjob of pick me ups :grouphug:
I think you and me will get along pretty well your really cool ...kinda like me :p lol.
:Thanx: friendS :grouphug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

I learned a life deserves mercy. His name was uncle “Art”
---------
I learned responsibility for my actions. I learned drinking controls your thinking and you should be in control of your thinking. I learned quilt. I learned people could forgive me.
I learned to keep on going. I learned how to grow up a little bit. His name was Steven
---------
I learned people are different but we are all the same and kids can be cruel when they don’t realize that. I learned life is tough and unfair. His name was Bob
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I learned how to fall down really hard and stay that way till someone or something can reach and pick you up. I learned I had more to think about then schoolwork. I learned how to keep on going with help from people who care. I am still learning even now. I learned how to grow up some more. His name was Dad… a.k.a.”Chief”. And their names were Jackie, Ritchie, and Marvin.
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I learned the churchiest people aren’t as righteous and godlike as they pose themselves to be. I reinforced the habit to not drink. I learned to keep on going. His name was Doug.
------------
I learned God is and has been right beside me. I learned seatbelts save lives. I learned a different type of deep never ending pain. I learned what it means to be meek and the feeling of being behumbled. I learned how to lose my “ego “ of myself and see myself in a different better way. I learned whom my friends are and how to make new ones for the ones that went on their way. I learned how to keep on going. I learned how to forgive others and myself. I am still learning many things and healing and coping.

I learned even the toughest strongest seeming people can hurt and be just as afraid and confused as the rest of us.His name was Steve
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If I look on things and remember longer or more… I am sure the list of things I have learned would grow enormously but for now this is what I “see “. And SOME of what I have learned.
Peace and hugs :grouphug:
BMW

[Nik-key]

BMW, I wish I was in a better place right now. By that I mean I am a support leader for the TNA. I have been where you have been. I am normally a very upbeat person, who has told God, bring it on, is this the best you can do!
I have learned to believe my bilateral TN and ON are in facts gifts. When I get back to that better place, I will come in the TN room and we can chat and chat :hug: In the meantime, anything you want to talk about, I will do my level best to reach in past this new pain and find my old hope

I like your beliefs, your spirit. I think I already said it, but it deserves repeating.........religion is for those who fear hell......spirituality for those
who have been there ;)

take care :hug: Nikki