Those who love you

[BJ]

I read what Alffe wrote and it really touched a nerve with me. I've been having a hard time figuring out how to say what I want to say so I hope that this makes sense. Maybe some piece of this will make sense to someone other than me. I hope so.

Recently, I have lost a good friend to suicide. I lost my brother to suicide and both my parents to heart attacks within a year of each other. The one thing that these people all have in common is that they have had no control over what has happened to them. This does not make coping with their loss any easier.

All of these people have contributed to the person that I am today, and I am so grateful to have known them. Many of you know reading this, that I have attempted and I've wanted to die and last summer I thought about how it could happen and how it wouldn't be so bad. But the rational side of me knows what it would do to the ones who love me. Its true there is no one in my life right now besides Hooper but who knows, I could meet the man of my dreams tomorrow. I don't see myself as someone people should miss, but I could never hurt the ones I love by ending my life.

There are so many people who never have the chance to do the things they wanted to do because they have died. I know that because I am alive I can do so many things. I can do this in honor of my brother who was unable to do them.

But what if I do meet that someone? Everyday that I don't spend time with that person, I would be so afraid that they will leave me here to try to live my life without them. Just thinking about the possibility that the worst case scenario might one day become my reality makes me physically ill. It makes me cry. It makes me cry a lot.

So many of you are fortunate enough to have people who love you and care about you and would be devastated that they will never have a chance to talk to you, see you, or feel you ever again. No matter how alone you feel and how much you think no one would miss you or that the world would be better off without you----------YOU ARE WRONG. I hope deep down inside you can find a light (it might be really dim!) to realize that "Each life has its place." That means everyone, every last person on this earth. You might not know it yet, but there are things for you to contribute to this world and if you don't the world will miss out!

I'm not sure what will happen to me after I die. But I know what I can do while I'm alive. I want more than anything to live my life with someone I love because it is sharing my life with that special person that means the world to me. I say this knowing that I am just one person. I am one person who has love for one person more than words could ever describe or explain. I am one of the people that loves those of you that come here each and everyday. Come here if this helps you make it to tomorrow. Many people have a hard time coping with knowing a loved one wants to die. As you know these people can do and say the wrong things out of fear and frustration and the wrong time. Please know that it doesn't mean they don't care or won't miss you.

To those of you with whom I've spoken, I WOULD miss you. To those of you whom I've yet to meet, I WOULD miss you too. I WOULD miss you because there are so many things to share with the world and I wouldn't have a chance to experience that.

Fight to hold on for another day for yourself and the people who love you. When you wake up tomorrow try to do the same. Please know that each day you will bring joy to the ones you love because they have the opportunity to spend one more day with you.

When I was in the hospital last summer my pdoc told me everyone is like a pebble dropped into the middle of a pond. Every pebble creates ripples that stop only because they meet the land. Just know your pond is the size of an ocean. You have so much to share with the world. Let the ripples stop when they stop by themselves, don't force them to stop.

Please don't give up. You can do so much that you've not yet done. You make the world what it is so make it a place you would like to stay and share it. Share it with the ones you love and those who love you and those who will love you that you've not yet met.

Each life has its place, alive, right here on earth.

Sorry for rambling on and on but this has been bothering me all day and I needed to get it out. :o

[Curious]

powerful.

i am honored to have you in my life bj. i would have missed not knowing you. :hug:

2981
leaving a glimmer.

[FeelinGoofy]

You are an inspiration to me BJ!!!!!! I am so thankful that God allowed our paths to cross!!!!! :hug:

[who moi]

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[DMACK]

:hug::hug::hug:Dear BJ:hug::hug::hug:

I am so glad you have reached this stage, of your journey in life.
The compassion and understanding that I hear in your words, are a true inspiration.

Your post has made my day

THANK YOU

David

[jaded2nite]

BP

thank you so much for this. I have a friend that needs to hear this and I will print it for him. It says all that needs saying. I just couldn't put it in words. Thank you so much for sharing these thoughts.

Dottie

[Alffe]

(((BJ))) It's ok if I start the day in tears because these are happy ones..I think you are beginning to see yourself as we have always seen you...you have such inner strength and courage..you are the real definition of a survivor my dear friend.

Is it an easy journey? Absolutely not but you are such an incredible example of what a person can do to try and chizel out a better place in this world.

You deserve to be loved...you most certainly are loved here. :hug:

[BJ]

You know what words you said Alffe that made me post this? Just two words.....copper sailboat. I couldn't get that thought out of my mind all day for some reason. It just sent my mind thinking and thinking of why people do it, why people leave us here hurting so much.

:hug: Alffe :hug:

[sassy]

BJ, I am sure there will be lots of people printing out your post, me being one of them.

Thank you so much for this.

As a matter of fact I just printed it, reread it and found so much more that touched me! I now plan to share this with my son who is having a rough time right now.

[bizi]

this deserves a bump!
bizi

[Brokenfriend]

Very Inspiring. I loved that part about the pebbles in the pond,sending out ripples... deep,and understandable...

Your have great compassion,and love.

Your life is not in vain.

Deep

The heart wants to be one with a companion.

The heart is a beacon, sending...

Your heart is alive,but not to hold the past to tightly...

His eye's are on the sparrow.

There is a present that we live in now,and a future,then a eternity... BF:hug:

[who moi]

bumping it again...

[jaded2nite]

Another bump so this post stays on page 1. It should stay alive

[Alffe]

When I saw this thread at the top of the page I had so hoped that BJ was back talking to us. :(

Please remember BJ that we love you and miss you and of course worry about you. ~sigh

I hope you are having the same lovely weather we are having in Indiana and your buddy is getting walked in the park. :grouphug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

I Wanted to leave this for BP.
We miss you and your wise supportive ways. we luv you and want you to.... Please come get a hug
http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm118/BMW1CLASSIC/doggyhug3.gif


http://i294.photobucket.com/albums/mm118/BMW1CLASSIC/thhugs1djc-vi.jpg

thinking of you B. :hug:
PEACE
BMW

[Chemar]

:hug:BJ:hug:
praying you are ok and will be here soon to collect the many:grouphug:

hope you can feel our love and care
:Heart:

[DMACK]

BJ

I gave what you wrote to the sister of a young man [at work] who attempted suicide recently. She thought your words were wonderful

Hence i then realised my name was out here, i had to change user name as i did not want other stuff identified ...if you get what i mean.

I pray your ok and hope to see you post soon

:hug:
David

[BJ]

I'm struggling so bad right now but fighting. I'm cutting and can't stop myself. I know it's getting old but I can't help what happened, I didn't deserve it, I didn't provoke it, I didn't want it to happen. I feel stupid saying this but I know the Lord always hears us, but when gathered together, and praying I know it's so powerful. I need to bump this up for myself.

[bizi]

Dear BJ,
It sounds like you are suffering from post traumatic stress...PTSD from abuse that you suffered....in the past.
When someone takes advantage of you....In your head ....how do you get rid of that attack????
i am sorry that you are suffering so.
What does your therapist tell you about coping strategies?
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Mari]

Dear BP,
Keep praying and knowing that you deserve a good life for yourself. I'm praying for you.

This is hard to handle by yourself. And you do not have to.
Get your pdoc involved. Have you clearly and repeatedly let him/her know that you are in trouble? Make sure your pdoc knows exactly what is going on and knows how seriously you need help.

Be open to receiving help from good people. Good people do exist.

Mari

[Nik-key]

This is too close to home for me .... I can't say too much....know that I am thinking about you and hoping you will find the strength to seek help. I understand why you do it, honestly I do... but there are better ways. You need to deal with the pain that is inside in order to stop the release you get from the cutting. I hope you will call someone , anyone....

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[Koala77]

BJ we're all thinking of you.

If our strength can pass through to you, then I pray that you feel it soon.

I've been thinking of you BJ and hoping that you're doing OK. Please keep in touch.

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[BJ]

I haven't told anyone what happened. I have a complaint all typed out, I put my camera on a timer and took pictures but I haven't done anything about it. I haven't been to therapy after what happened with the "other parts" from my new one and the group therapy was only one week and it was a total waste of my time. I don't see my pdoc until Friday and I need to tell her, I need to find the strength to do it. But I don't want to be judged, it happened and I didn't provoke it. But I know it's going to fall on deaf ears, I know she won't believe me. It's just the way it is when you're so doped up you don't even know what day it is.

[KathyM]

((((BJ)))))

You won't gain any sympathy out there by cutting yourself. :o You may not know what day it is, but you know what your skin and a knife looks like. Like it or not, it is NEVER appropriate to cut yourself - be it for healing of your pain, or to draw attention to your pain. It causes people to label you. It makes people blame you because they don't know how to remove your pain. Eventually, it makes people run away from you. :rolleyes:

Many, MANY horrible things have happened to me. I didn't deserve the abuse either. My best friend died - not long after that both of my parents died within 8 days of each other. It is just the life I was given. Hey, in-between the heartache and fear there were some fun and good stories, so all is not lost.

It's our job to respect and appreciate the gift of life and the world God has provided for us. It's our job to learn how to walk in this world without trying to destroy ourselves and others. It's our job to learn how to not be afraid of the dark, each other, and ourselves.

I keep you in my prayers. :hug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

B. :hug: :hug: :hug:
I am so comfoted by seeing you post. you do not know how much hearing from you meens.!!! :grouphug:
I am sorry for the things that are being ignored by "the system" that is set up to help us and keep us safe when we are at a low point.
I have things to share on that and it happened right about this time in another year but i just cant share the details cus i am so angry and it isnt settled but...someday i will try to share again.
honey we are judged from the moment we wake up each moring. I would tell I hope and pray you have the strength to do so. because if you dont say anything ...you will never know what would of come of it if you had ...at least said something and tryed to bring light rather then just let it go and say nothing. I dont kmow what happened but I do believe something happend and it is eatting my friend up inside and I do not like that!! I care and love her like the rest of our family here dose!
I will be keeping you in prayers for strength wisdom justice and...healing peace. And i know all my s.o.s. sisters and brothers here will be doing very much the same thing.I hope you can feel it because it is here.

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((B.P. )))))))))))))))))) :Heart:

[Burntmarshmallow]

a bump for B.P. :hug: :hug:

[Chemar]

(((((((((BJ)))))))))))

I am so thankful to hear from you :hug:

you *need* to tell the doc what happened BJ. Take the pics and the complaint you typed up with you and give it to her. She cannot ignore you on this. It happened. She needs to help you and also to stop it from happening to anyone else. I know it is hard, but you owe it to yourself BJ. Keeping it bottled in and suffering is not fair to you. It was *not* your fault!!!! You were there to be cared for and to recover from the hurt, not be more hurt. At least try to talk to her about it and give her the pics and what you typed up.

I am praying for you every day, BJ
with much love
Cheri

[Doody]

(((BJ))) I'm just so relieved to see you post. I'm still hoping for you to find a good therapist because they can bring light into a very dark world. You need to talk it out with someone. Don't be afraid to do that. :hug:

Much love to you BJ. We care very much.

[Nik-key]

BJ :hug:

I don't know hun, I could tell my doctor anything, and I know I would be believed. Perhaps you need to find a doctor you can connect to? It took me a long time, but it was well worth all the time.

As for being judged.... if I am not mistaken, you are religious correct?
It is a sin for others to judge. Just keep that in mind, maybe it will help
keep those particular fears at bay :hug::hug:

I don't know what happened BJ, but like BMW, I can clearly see that it is eating you up, and I so wish I could do something to help you! As with most things in life, the longer you keep it to yourself the harder it is to talk about. Try to get help, in your other thread.. I told you how proud I was of you that you had sought help. Truly I am. I know you will find the strength to do so again. If you need a lil help, we will be here to lift you up:hug::hug:

As for the cutting, I think like anything else, suicide, illness, one has to have experienced it.... be a cutter, or one of their loved ones are, to fully appreciate and understand it. Walk in their shoes so to speak. It is NOT that uncommon, and it is a very insensative person, who would make you feel bad about it. I am sure your doctor would understand. I pray you will get help dear Bj, cutting can be so devastating, and cause life time damage:hug:

I have never been to traditional therapy....instead I speak to Stephen's Ministers at my Church... come here, or talk it out with friends. But, I have to say I agree with Doody. I have seen therapy work wonders for so many people!! I do hope you will give it a try, maybe make that light at the end of the tunnel brighter for you:hug:

May God keep you and hold you.
May He guide you and keep you safe.
May He hold you in the palm of His hand
And take away your worry and pain. :hug: Nikki

[Burntmarshmallow]

I am glad your back...its time to collect those hugs I promised. a few posts back ... :p


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[tovaxin_lab_rat]

It is good to see you post BJ. I echo what everyone else has said and here's a big hug from me, too. :hug:

[Abbie]

Thinking of you BJ...
http://th246.photobucket.com/albums/gg115/Lavendelblauw/Hug/th_cat_hug.jpg (http://photobucket.com/image/hug/Lavendelblauw/Hug/cat_hug.jpg?o=46)
Abbie

[Mari]

Dear BJ,
It does not matter if anyone believes you or not.
You have an obligation to yourself to tell the whole story.
Start talking please.

M.

[FeelinGoofy]

]http://dl10.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1085/1085830jgawgkmbmb.gif[/url]


BJ, know you are in my prayers!!!!!
vicky

[who moi]

Matthew 7: (Jesus) “Judge not, that ye be not judged”?

Romans 2:1Therefore thou art inexcusable, O man, whosoever thou art that judgest: for wherein thou judgest another, thou condemnest thyself; for thou that judgest doest the same things.

2But we are sure that the judgment of God is according to truth against them which commit such things.

3And thinkest thou this, O man, that judgest them which do such things, and doest the same, that thou shalt escape the judgment of God? …

21Thou therefore which teachest another, teachest thou not thyself? thou that preachest a man should not steal, dost thou steal?

22Thou that sayest a man should not commit adultery, dost thou commit adultery? thou that abhorrest idols, dost thou commit sacrilege?

23Thou that makest thy boast of the law, through breaking the law dishonourest thou God?

It is clear in other scriptures that God expects us to make judgments, but they must be made with love

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I like the philosophy in the bible...:hug:

[Curious]

bj, have you tried the rubberband on the wrist? snap that hard or ice in your hand?

:hug: sweets. no one knows how you feel except someone else who cuts. i know you have gotten pm's from a special lady. :hug:

i'm here. a pm away. let me know when you want to go into chat again. even for just yapping. we don't have to chat about anything serious.

[Burntmarshmallow]

BP. just want to send you a little hug :hug: or 2 or 3 :hug::hug:
:hug::hug::hug:
I hope you find courage and strength enough to talk and share and keep seeking help. You are a wonderfull lady and are in our hearts and prayers!
PEACE
BMW :grouphug: :grouphug:
you can come and act silly with us in the sleepless thread theres not much serious talk in there but you may just find a smile inside if you visit.
Luv you B.:hug:

[BJ]

I don't cut because I want attention. I started to cut when my mom passed away because I felt like I couldn't go on without her, I couldn't stand to wake up and know that I won't talk to her or see her that day.

No I'm not proud of it and I hate myself for doing it. People who cut have intense feelings of fear, hurt, anger, rejection or abandonment. Most importantly they need to feel pain on the outside instead of the inside. I don't want sympathy and I know it's not appropriate to cut yourself. But when the pain is so deep, you do it. I don't want to drive people away and I don't want to be labeled but that has already happened. When you feel like you're being blamed for something you didn't do or feel you've done wrong, you cut because it makes you forget about your real pain. I hope I make sense but this is why I cut.

Thank you for the PM Vicky, and for understanding. :hug: Yes Curious I'm trying the rubber band and ice to make myself feel pain instead of cutting. I called my pdoc and told her I need to talk to her. I don't know what or if I'll tell but I have to try.

[Nik-key]

:hug:BJ:hug: I am so glad to see you are posting! Good for you!! :)

I don't want sympathy and I know it's not appropriate to cut yourself. But when the pain is so deep, you do it.
BJ, I do understand the need to cut, and I would be more than happy to talk with you, here, in PM , email...anything:hug:

There is something you said that is bugging me..... I don't want to drive people away and I don't want to be labeled but that has already happened.
That anyone would do this to you, really troubles me. If someone has cancer, bi-polar- depression...should they be ridiculed? hell no!!! Neither should you be labeled, judge , or pushed away! Anyone who would do this? Is hardly worth the air they breath and the space they are taking up, IMHO :o Concentrate instead on those who care about you, and would never do such a thing, hold them close to you:hug:

I think perhaps it is what I was saying, and what curious said today....no one but one who cuts, knows how you feel. But I will go one step more, and say those whose families have been effected would have a better understanding, and compassion too. As with any difficulty, or illness, it always effects the WHOLE family.

You already took the first step.... you told someone. I am sooo proud of you:hug:

I see you already use the rubber band.... get an extra large one, one that will really hurt when you snap it. Perhaps, have a large washable red marker, and bear down on that, leaving a mark on your skin as you snap the band. If the band doesn't work, try a dull object, something that wont break the skin..anything... heck stub your toe :eek:

Most importantly, as I already said, and can't stress enough.... you must heal the inside pain! Then you will not need the release the cutting provides. I know you know this. I know you also .. Know you must tell your doctor everything. People can't help, if they aren't given the chance. We are here to help you through this :hug::hug: Nikki

[BJ]

Thanks for understanding why I cut Nikkey, not that that's any excuse. I'm so ashamed of it but I have my reasons, I have my reasons for saying why I was labeled. I don't have any family left to understand. I know you lost your dad to suicide Nikkey and I couldn't think what to say, part of my problem. I have a lot of feelings inside but they won't come out. I am truly sorry about your dad. Some days I just wish I could pick up the phone and talk to my mom, or my brother who left this earth way too soon. And I'm sure you feel the same way, my heart goes out to you :hug:

[Nik-key]

Oh BJ, that is so damn sweet, you are hurting so bad, and yet, you are consoling me. A heart of gold, and thank you:hug:

I can't control or change how you feel, but I do so wish your were not ashamed. I know why one feels that way, when I wanted to take my life to go be with my Dad, I was indeed ashamed to admit my thoughts ... BUT,
my doctors words forever changed me.

He told me how proud he was of me, how strong I was. I just couldn't believe, at my weakest moment, this man, this DOCTOR, was saying that to me. Since then, I have come to know, how very true his words were!

So, I say to you BJ, you are a fighter! You are so strong in just admitting what you have done and that you want help. I am already proud of you..... and I can't wait to just beam with pride, when you take the next step you so need to take, and let your pain out, tell your doctor all.... get the help we all need from time to time and start to heal:hug::hug:

I am again, so so sorry for your losses. I just can't imagine:( Your parents are gone, but you can still talk to them, I "talk" to my Dad every single day!:)

As for not having any family left to understand you ? This forum, these people who all care so greatly for you, are your extended family, I assure you we all care, I care! Keep coming back and let us help you:hug::hug::hug:Nikki

[Koala77]

I cannot and will not judge you BJ. I haven't been there myself, so I cannot even advise, but you did a great job of explaining why you cut and I think that has to be good. To be able to do that so that some-one like me understands, has to be a step in the right direction. :hug:

I too am here BJ if you ever want to chat about anything at all. Maybe you'd like to hear about Australia one night when you're wide awake and in need of some-one to talk to. Maybe I can distract you long enough to be able to face another day. Say the word, and I'll be there in a flash.

Hugs BJ and thanks for letting us know that you're doing OK.

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[DMACK]

:hug::hug:My Dear BJ:hug::hug:

Whether you like this or not i DO SYMPATHISE with your plight, and understand fully why you CUT YOURSELF. For people to say its wrong and inappropriate, well they don't live your life, they are not in your head, and certainly don't feel your pain.

Self harm..is by definition pain carried out to oneself...99% of the time because of the inability to express inner turmoil, anger, pain both mental and/or physical..and a learned response to trauma.

At some point in life we have all unkowingly self harmed...how many out there comfort eat and are overweight???????............How many smoke at times of crisis or stress???????.........how many drink to numb pain...block out memories or thoughts?????................how many have lashed out, verbally or physically when under immense stress and pressure?????.....


Over here.... Accident&Emergency is full of self harm on a weekend... when drink fuelled males...punch walls..or punch glass windows.....[ self harm ]

Other self harm is pulling out hair ...biting nails..putting oneself in harmful situations deliberately, the list goes on sadly cutting is the most open and visible.

This may sound very strange but, telling someone to stop self harming... puts this person in a situation where the urge to self harm is more intense.

why?....because you have questioned their method of coping... it may not be your method... but it is theirs at this moment in time....

self harm is a learnt response with dealing with stress.... the first time its done it releases the inner pain ...and replaces that pain with physical pain.... the thught process concentrates on the here and now.......

the next time unwanted feelings appear the self harm way out is the easiest route... especially when the inner pain cannot be freely and openly spoken about....


The answer..........TALK TALK AND MORE TALK...........SELF HARMERS harm to express pain.....Cognative Behaviour Therapy is an excellent therapy that has excellent succes rates with dealing with this phenomenon............


BJ i comend you for openly sharing with us all that you do self harm... you obviously feel trust enough to confide this Personal TABOO to this forum.. this is a major part of self healing .....

one thing i ask sincerley of you is that if you feel the need to cut.... be as safe as you possibly can, use clean sterile objects...once the act is over clean the wounds thoroughly with antiseptic....if possible talk to someone you trust prior to the first cut..

PM ME ANY TIME YOU WANT BJ i will always listen to whatever you have to say... :hug::hug:

David

[Nik-key]

David, I just wanted to tell you I thought your post was excellent!

BJ:hug: I echo what others have said, PM or email me any time, we can talk about anything, or nothing at all :hug::hug:

[Doody]

((BJ)) I just continue to strongly urge you to seek out a good therapist and don't stop until you find one. We all need help from time to time to redirect our thought processes. Not easy when you are depressed to the end of time and back, but I do believe it can be done. Talking it out and learning new coping strategies from a good professional is worth its weight in gold.

I'm in awe of how you are so forthcoming with us, and hope that you can do that with professional as well.

you have probably already been all over the internet looking for support on SI? I been looking and stumbled across this and thought it was very interesting.

Statistics are hard to come by. But it's estimated that one out of five high school and college students has a history with non-suicidal self-injury. It can manifest as cutting, scratching, picking scabs or interfering with wound healing, burning, punching objects or oneself, infecting oneself, inserting objects in body openings, bruising or breaking bones, hair-pulling and other kinds of bodily harm. Celebrities who have admitted engaging in self-abusive behavior include Princess Diana, Angelina Jolie, Johnny Depp and Christina Ricci.

It's an excerpt from an article about a woman that was an SI. A journey from self-abuse to self-love. (http://www.capecodonline.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080529/LIFE/805290303&emailAFriend=1)

I stumbled across that when I was looking of an SI web site. There are so many out there and I don't know if you are looking for help with that or not. Well, what you need help with is the underlying issues for sure.

Oh boy, I am not a professional, just trying to help. This site looks interesting, but again, there are so many out there! What I liked is it has a good section on finding a therapist. http://self-injury.net/stopping/

It interests me at how the mention of something like SI usually brings an immediate response of ... omg, she SI's???? Kinda like someone announcing they're gay or, well you name the 'stigma'.

I imagine that ALL of us have something in our lives that we do to make ourselves feel better (or should I say numb ourselves in some instances) that really aren't exactly acceptable options. I know I do!

K, I'm blathering and going to leave you with lots of love. I can't begin to understand cutting, but I do understand you have a lot going on in your mind and need help. :hug:

[Doody]

And ((BJ)) I'm concerned about your SI, but more important to me is you finding peace and some happiness in your life. That's most important! You are in so much distress right now we can't help but worry and I wish there were a quick fix.

I think it would help us all to get past the SI issues, or at the very least become more informed for BJ's sake (http://www.helpguide.org/mental/self_injury.htm), because what's important is getting to the underlying issues.

We just love you BJ and are insisting you keep working at finding that miraculous therapist!!! And keep remembering we love you! And keep working at finding some peace of mind for yourself!!!

[BJ]

Thank you for understanding where I'm at. I'd like to say I'm ashamed of cutting but in reality I'm not because in my thinking I'm keeping myself alive. It's my way of dealing with the overwhelming feelings I'm having and I feel like it's the only tool I have right now. It's a crude tool, but it works; I get relief from the overwhelming pain and fear in my life.

I can't quite explain it, but I know when to stop. After a certain amount of pain, the need is somehow satisfied and I feel peaceful, calm, soothed and then the urger comes back. It's common in people who disassociate not that I'm making excuses. I'm confused, I'm hurting. I'm trying not to judge myself for doing this. I'm a human being who makes mistakes. And it's one of the few areas of my life I'm in control of right now.

I know I need help, I know I need to find a therapist. But right now I just need to take the first step and tell my pdoc what happened, that's foremost in my mind right now. I'm hoping and praying that she can squeeze me in today and I'm hoping that I can let it all out

[Alffe]

Oh I hope she does find time to see you BJ. I hope you told her that you're in crisis. Keep us posted...we are concerned and we care. :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

BJ :hug:

Wonderful reply Doody, and thank you so much for the link. :hug: you are really sweet!!:hug:

BJ, I am so glad you are trying to see your doctor today. You sound charged up to tell her what is eating you up, WONDERFUL!!!

And yes, please do express CLEARLY YOUR NEED AND THAT YOU ARE IN CRISIS!!

All my thoughts, prayers and love....wishing you strength today :hug: Nikki

[DMACK]

:hug:dear BJ:hug:

I am about to say something that many others will be horrified about.

Until you have spoken to your Dr and shed all your pain .....and equally have been listened to and directed to a suitable therapy...then if you still the need to CUT do not resist....[aghhhhhhhhhhhhh most people now scream]

95% OF SI behaviour is carried out to distract an individual from inner turmoil...It is also a means to not commit SUICIDE..............

Self harmer's are very conscious of other peoples feelings ....thats why they hurt themselves.........and not others...

When cutting takes place Endorphins are released giving a state of release and euphoria..followed by the release of Dopamine: The brains way of natural sorting out the mind and body [ Exercise is the best way to evoke this chemical in the brain] [ when you have done a run or hard assertive work, do you feel keen and alert after initial exertion?]
A lot of Self Harmer's i have known say the inner pain gets to much=they cut=they get instant release of inner pressure=then comes the calm inner peace and the feeling of exhaustion and the need to sleep[ something that the initial problem was preventing] TOTAL VICIOUS CIRCLE as the cycle reoccurs.

Self Harmer's are only seeking to exorcise an inner demon, Hence the importance of those close to that individual to accept their decision...SI will not stop until an alternative coping strategy is found that produces the same effect as SI.................Clinical intervention can help...though most DR'S tend to have a knee jerk reaction and prescribe Anti depressants.....TALK THERAPY IS THE ANSWER/+/COGNATIVE BEHAVIOUR THERAPY. It helps the individual to confront their issues and teaches ways to cope that are not harmful, and are constructive not destructive.

I knew a young man who used to stub cigarettes out on his stomach....when stressed!!......... now he eats half a grapefruit........silly?....but it works for him......


Learning to cope is the key to life...........at times....its very hard......as humans we act on impulse and what we know to be right for us.........thats why we should never dissuade a SI .........we should suggest safe practice, medical advice for underlying causes, self help therapies for alternate ways of coping.......but never dismiss an individuals issues or ways of dealing with them.

BJ if your P.DOC SEEMS UN-SYMPATHETIC please do not give up seek a second third forth etc...opinion you will find someone who can help you confront your demons and restrict the damage they cause you both physically and emotionally

David:hug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

I decided to not p.m. you B.P. because it is slightly possible that if I post here
It may help others in some form or fashion that I don’t even know about yet.
So let me share that I too was a cutter. I started in high school and used to cut my arms.
I know it is not that uncommon for teens to do this ….it wasn’t uncommon when I was in school and it still is not that uncommon today. I know of songs about it by current top chart bands Foo Fighters, Nirvana just off the top of my head it isn’t that “far out” if I can put it like that. Well back to issue… I got help and was okay for a good while but then I had my accident and I wasn’t okay anymore. I was in horrible pain physically and emotionally and every other way possible! I couldnt bare the thought of living with this pain. The doctors would tell me this med will help or try this new med this time it will work to relieve the pain… promises promises all broken.Never kept not in the least, as nothing helped.
I started self injuring again. I did this to distract my mind, my brain, my body my emotions…to distract from the pain which was eating at me every second of every moment in my life. I went threw psychologists, psychiatrists, councilors.
Well I finally found an excellent pain doc and also a pro that I trusted and who I was comfortable with and slowly began to let things out. My pain doc and my talk doc worked together and they never gave up on me. For me I had to go to shands for many tests sometimes the “tests” would be all day 8 hours long with lunch break.
The ink blots… the blocks… the how do you hold a knife …
Just all kinds of tests and of coarse I was aware of the camera recording my every move. Anyways.
After this doc and that one and the next had their turn with me. I was able to get referred to the pain doctor I mentioned who is…was great. (he moved that’s why I said was)
Well my pain doc gave me a list of things to do rather then burn myself with my iron, cut.
He gave me list of things to do that were not considered self injury. But would still distract from this pain. When I mentioned this at another place I got banned from the site for like a month and then for good because I posted things considered taboo… but anyways. The story continues.
I had to go to trial by jury and so half way threw the 2ed week of going to court and witnesses and exhibits and oh just a bunch of things happen when one is on trial.
Well the end of one day near end of trial judge asks the other side who they plan to call to stand next day.
And they stated they planned to call me, the judge let us go home. And boy was I ticked more then you can even guess. I called my lawyer told him if I get called I refuse to take stand I plead the 5th. I was yelling into phone how angry and unfair it was to bring up my history of me and high school and my cutting arms I wasNT suicidal I didn’t purposely cut in front of trailer truck and slam on my brakes… high school was then this is now etc.
Well my oldest girl heard me yelling and heard everything I said. Next day came Lawyer called me to stand and my lawyer would not let me take stand..Something about the driver of trailer truck wasn’t even here so wasn’t fair to put me on stand but if driver will come take stand then he will put me on too. I never took stand I won my case and got fair settlement. But a couple years later my oldest 8th grade ready to start high school. Confided in me that she had started to cut herself on arms and on leg. She had told her friend and now they both were doing it and neither didn’t know how to stop and she felt horrible for telling her friend felt at fault for friend cutting herself too. I had long long talk cus of coarse I knew she had heard me yelling in phone and I was to blame for her cutting .. she was scared she was teen in advanced classes, going to start high school a new school out of town and she just felt different and very scared and confused and stressed and I got her a councilor to talk with and we also talked allot. She stopped cutting and started banging on drums and running and doing softball and finding other ways to deal with her emotions fear anger…and “issues”. She adjusted to high school better then most kids. Her friend needed more counseling and also a father mentor type person but today she too is fine doesn’t cut or self injury. She is black belt and a top weight lifter in her school. So I am not so different then you BP. I am not proud of things I have done self injury and such but it got me threw it was a way for me to control a pain when I couldNT control my other pain, it distracted , it gave me power and got me to seek help and keep seeking till I found right talk doc. it got me to where I am today which is a much better place. I just wanted to share that because you and I aren’t that different B.P.
And I really understand more then you think my friend… I really do.
I pray you will share and talk with your pdoc and keep seeking the right doctor to talk with that you trust and are comfortable with.
Wow did this post of mine turn out way too long. So sorry I hope somehow this will help you in some way or help another and I just wanted to share and let you know that you’re not alone and I am here if you feel like talking or venting.
Your family and we all care and love you always remember this because it is the truth!! Your just as much a caring compassionate wonderful extraordinary strong survivor as me and everyone else here just as much if not more!
Always in my prayers BP.
PEACE
BMW

p.s. your sharing made me brave enough to share and rise above any judgments because you are brave …so was I thank you B.P.
:hug: :Heart: :hug:
:grouphug: keep being brave share with p doc and keep seeking help.:hug:

[BJ]

95% OF SI behaviour is carried out to distract an individual from inner turmoil...It is also a means to not commit SUICIDE.............. That's what my pdoc said David. She's disappointed that I need to do it but she would rather see me cut than do it. I do feel like I get some sort of release, if only for a while. I hate it that I do it, I feel so stupid wearing long sleeves in the summer because I'm ashamed. But I don't know what else to do, no I'm not coping and I won't until I tell her everything. And you're absolutely right, don't tell someone who cuts not to, I hate when that happens because they just don't understand. But I'm glad you understand David. :hug:


BMW thank you such much for sharing your story. I'm sorry you went through all that but you came out on the other side. I do hope this help someone and makes cutting not such a taboo subject. My heart goes out to you in your daily pain. :hug:


I don't want to bring people down talking about some things, especially when I see people having fun so I shy away. I'd like to be the one having some fun in here one day and not be so down all the time. I will get there, I just have to let it out.

I'm cheating and copying what I posted in the BP forum.

I'm going to see her this afternoon at 3. I didn't tell her how bad I was feeling until this morning. I haven't slept at all and can't stop the thoughts. I finally told her I was cutting and that I needed to see her.

I'm not taking any other meds Mari, just Nexium for GERD. I guess she'll know about the thyroid and it needs to be checked. I'm not even sure when I had it checked last. I hope that's all it is. And I told her I have something I have to get off my mind. I'm taking the complaint I typed and the pictures I took. I just have to get my nerve up to show her them.

[Chemar]

((((((((((((BJ))))))))))))



I am just so thankful you are posting. this will always be a safe haven for you.

:hug:

[Alffe]

You can do it BJ...we know how much courage you have shown in the past...this is one more hurtle. Remember that you aren't going alone...we all carry you in our hearts. :grouphug:

And we'll be anxiously awaiting a full report! :hug:

[Nik-key]

((BJ)) I am sooooooo happy that you found the strength to tell your doctor how badly you did need to see her. That alone took a lot of courage:hug:
I just wanted to repeat what Alffe said, if you need extra strength to tell her what you need to.... think of us.... and know that we are thinking of YOU! Love and strength :hug::hug: Nikki

BMW, I commend you too on sharing your story. :hug: You never know how opening up can change, effect anothers life. So many people turn to forums these days for help, if no one opened up their pain, and shared.... well no one would ever be helped. Kudos to both of you :hug::hug:Nikki

[Nik-key]

http://i226.photobucket.com/albums/dd187/sulisaeris/funny_kitty_.jpg

[Burntmarshmallow]

Think of you B.P. and praying things went well that you shared with pdoc and are felling at least a tenny tiny bit better today.:hug:
all of us hope that and we are here for you ...we hope you come and give us a short update. we know how hard sharing is ... so just know all of us are thinking of you and LOVE you. :grouphug:
and we miss you too! when you feel like it and get a chance .... come get some hug from your family ;)

:hug:
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PEACE
BMW