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Brokenfriend
06-11-2008, 12:21 PM
I have moved close to where my sister,and brother in law live. I've noticed that she is very angry at one person ,and then another. I heard some things about where she use to work,and they had some problems with her.

All I know is she had a real cold feeling for our Mother who didn't have allot of love for us. This angers her.

She has been angry at one person after another for four years. Now she's angry at me. It's been three months now.

She sort of snaps at me a little,accuses me of things,judges me,and tries to put me under her control. She makes me feel guilty,instead of supporting me,or backing me up.

She want's to be right about everything that we talk about. She wants me to sit in certain places,and she wants to direct me around the house all the time. She advises me about things that are non of her business. She doesn't like the way I work. This continually hurts my self esteem. I don't need that. I feel rejection. This hurts me deeply,and I thought that this kind of treatment was over for me.

She got angry at me on the phone 5 years ago,and literally screamed at me,and let me have it. I still remember it,and it was awful. She was angry at me for about 9 months.

I'm baffled. I don't know whats wrong with her emotions. She has MS. Her mental condition seems to be anger. I cannot help If I have different opinions about things that I think are right. There's much more then this. I'm starting to feal a little paranoid,because of her treatment to me,and I don't have paranoia.

My Dad is still alive but he doesn't want to talk about family problems. He has a very explosive temper,and I grew up being fussed at. I don't understand this.

When one problem with one person is resolved,she becomes angry at another person. I see this very clearly. She counts the number of things that she has against someone,and judges them. What is this? She won't go to a therapist.

These are personal attacks. I know the difference between constructive criticism,and personal attacks. I wonder if they did this when I was a kid. I do remember her being condescending in her jokes to me. Brokenfriend




Roseblue
06-11-2008, 01:33 PM
I hate to have to say this but your sister might have a personality disorder. My dad suffered from a borderline personality disorder and he seemed to be permanently angry at people. He was very bad tempered and very abusive. I don’t know what to suggest if you don’t think she’ll go see someone. I think she should, because it can only get worse. Does she have small children? If so please try to get her to go see someone for their sake. What I’m dealing with today is mainly down to the violence and abuse I suffered as a child.

Brokenfriend
06-11-2008, 11:09 PM
I think that she went to a therapist one time,and he mentioned something to her about the reason that she is angry at our Mother,who passed away last year. She is angry at the therapist. She said that she saw him somewhere,and she said that she staired at him. All of these things run in our family tree. My Dad abused me with his temper tantrums,and alcoholism. The alcohol almost killed him,and he almost died in the Hospital. He stoped drinking after that.

Now Dad doesn't want me to visit him. I mentioned something to him about my sister,and he doesn't want to hear my problems. My sister is giving me the cold shoulder,and is short with me on the phone,and she doesn't like my emails.

She doesn't like the way I clean. I tried to help her with that. She doesn't like my hobbies,opinions,and tries to counter what I say about most everything. They just finished a lawsuit,and she was furious about this Man not making her house perfect. I've been in there,and it's a wonderful house in the country,one acres of property.

That and a number of things,and the way she responds to me is now hurting me. She's made me into a bad person in her mind. The people that she worked with where bad in her mind,and she was the only one that was right in her mind. I don't understand her,and she makes a federal case out of little things. She makes a problem out of most things now that have to do with me.

Now she has compiled a list of things that she doesn't like about me. I cannot have a rational conversation with her,because she says that I am lecturing her,and she doesn't like it. I'm not lecturing her. It's a tangled web,and I don't understand her. I've never come across anyone like her. I don't remember anything good about our childhood. There was no warmth.

Thank you for your input. I will look that up. Thanks. Brokenfriend

Twinkletoes
06-12-2008, 02:23 AM
Bfriend, I'm certainly no expert, but it almost sounds as if she feels threatened by you. I wonder if your successes have caused her self-esteem to dip? Not that you'd do anything intentionally, just a thought.

People like your sister just wear me out. IMNSHO they suck all the life from the people around them. Good luck to you, and bravo for your patience, endurance and continued good efforts. I think she needs you whether she knows it or not. :hug:

I always wished I had a sister, but wonder if there might have been competition or contention that would have caused feelings. *shrug*

Roseblue
06-12-2008, 03:40 AM
Brokenfriend,

I'm on a board that deals with advice for troubled relationships. Once again I hate to sound negative but the advice given out the most in a situation like yours is to have no contact. Like Twinkletoes said, people like your sister can suck a person dry and wear you down. If you stay in that unhealthy relationship with your sister, you might end up just as bitter and just as angry. Is there any possibility that you could distance yourself from her for a while, just so you can experience the difference and regain your strength?

Brokenfriend
06-13-2008, 10:15 AM
I believe that she is totally blind to the way that she is,and slowly,but surely,more,and more I have felt a need to defend myself. That just made things worse.

I think that you are right. She's pushing me away though by her actions. I haven't given up. We are giving each other space. It's to bad that it has to be that way. I didn't need this. I moved out near them for their support,because things crumbled for me in a capital city.They helped me at first,and are now helping me from a distance.

This has drained me,and she says the same about me. It's a real mess that I don't understand. I'd say something,and she'd say the opposite,and this would go on,and on. She made me feal guilt for most everything. I'd say,I don't understand this. What is this? I don't understand what we are doing. Then she'd say that I was spending to much of my money all the time.

She slowly canceled out all my ideas,my best. My ideas,ideals,thoughts,opinions,knowledge,hobbies,o pinions,good work,wisdom that I have obtained,and most everything else in my life means nothing to her now. Not fair. I don't understand what happened. I don't understand the motives except that she seemed to have money,and dollars in her mind more then my feelings,and health. I just don't know. I just don't understand. There's no answer for this at this time.

I'm now going to social services,and am going to a new Psychiatrist on Monday. My anxiety creates a pain in my chest. I'm sorry,I'm rambling on,and talking too much. I'm upset. I'm sorry. Brokenfriend

Sannah
06-13-2008, 12:32 PM
Hi BF, google "injustice collector". Many people have made decisions to keep toxic people at a distance from them.

Friend2U
06-13-2008, 12:50 PM
Bless your heart. I'm glad to read you are seeking helf for yourself. You can't take care of everyone but you can take care of "yourself". I have been to counciling, and it's funny that "my" needing help had to do with how "another" person treated me. We both went. He quit after a while, but I kept going. I learned how to take care of me. and what I could and could not do for the other person.

Is your sister like your father. And if it's okay for me to ask, are you more like your mom was? She may be scared and therefore lashing out. If she sees in herself qualities she dislikes from maybe her father, she could be acting out in fear...kinda a self-fulfilling prophecy. I don't know... I'm no expert for sure. But just basing what I read on things I've seen in my own life.

You are in my prayers. I know this must be hurting you very deeply. Especially since your mom is gone and you are probably feeling a real need to reach out for closeness with the rest of your family. I'm so sorry you are being pushed away! :hug:

~Friend

Twinkletoes
06-13-2008, 01:30 PM
Hi BF, google "injustice collector". Many people have made decisions to keep toxic people at a distance from them.

Bfriend, Sannah is right. I found this article that sounds like it may apply to you and your sister. http://www.womanlinks.com/content/view/493/36/

I wasn't able to read clear thru it (at work), but perhaps it will help you to understand more about your unfortunate situation. :hug:

FaithS
06-13-2008, 03:34 PM
Are you looking for the term "emotional lability"? [URL="http://http://www.nationalmssociety.org/about-multiple-sclerosis/symptoms/emotional-changes/index.aspx"]

Emotional Lability

Emotional lability or “moodiness” may affect persons with MS and is manifest as rapid and generally unpredictable changes in emotions. Family members may complain about frequent bouts of anger or irritability.
It is unclear if the emotional lability observed in MS stems from the distress related to the disease or if it is caused by some changes in the brain.

Whatever the cause, emotional lability can be one of the most challenging aspects of MS from the standpoint of family life.

Family counseling may be very important in dealing with emotional lability since mood swings are likely to affect everyone in the family.

Severe mood swings respond well to low doses of the anticonvulsant medication valproic acid (DepakoteŽ).

~ Faith

shiney sue
06-13-2008, 04:20 PM
My sister-in-law is the same way,there's 5 brothers and sisters in her family
there all this way as mom and Dad. We are in our 60's I'm just don't
know what's wrong with that family. My brother is on the shy side and the only one who keep a eye out for her folks. He's the one who went from Mi.
to florada because he knew in his her her mother had a stroke,she did..Well
we all have known each other since we were five and 6,Do they need help
yes will any get it no. She your relative just does not like your family,you sound to nice not to just ignore..Love those who get help if needed,or takes to much energy to love someone who can;t love back,i''m sorry. Sue

Brokenfriend
06-14-2008, 07:32 AM
There was a coldness of heart involved though that freaked me out,and is continuing to bother me deeply.

She turned on me in the mid seventies though when I came to the church that she was going to,and she snapped at me,and I left. I never forgot it,but she has no memory of it now. It was a major event to me,and I remember going to my apartment,and cried,and sobbed.

I was having extreme emotional pain at that point,and I didn't need that. Soon after that I had my first stay in a mental hospital. I went voluntarily,because I was breaking down.

This is what no one understands in my family. I didn't pick this emotional disorder. I don't want it,and it is not what defines me. It is to my family though. They can't look beyond my illness,and see the good,or see me.There I am. I'm not the illness. I'm a problem to them,and not a beloved family member.

Thank you for the input. I'm thinking about it all from all angles that I can ,and I'm thinking about other people's ideas. Please keep sharing your ideas.

I did mention to her that her anger is somewhat like dad's,and she said never associate me with Dad,and never say anything like that again. She resented what I said. She doesn't seem to forgive,and let go. She seems to resent,and hold on to,and collect things she has against me.

Recently she has gotten a little better,but I know that something is different. It just hurts,and hurts right now. I'm hanging in there,but my life is now shutting,as I cannot focus on good things,and I don't feel good about anything. It's hard to explain. I'm so tired of about forty years of emotional disturbances,and it just transforms over the years. Then people never understand,and keep jumping to conclusions. I see them missing whats really going on. Some times I get attacked by people,and this is terribly painful to the point that is hard to explain.

You all have been very nice to me,and have accepted me. Thanks' Brokenfriend:hug:

Brokenfriend
06-14-2008, 07:37 AM
Thanks Sue for your input. I understand. Brokenfriend

Roseblue
06-14-2008, 10:56 AM
Brokenfriend,

It's a fact of life that when we are not feeling a hundred percent, the best people to help us is our family. But if the person you turn to just makes you feel worse, as difficult as it may be, it's maybe time to try to find out what you can do for yourself. If people keep letting us down, then it’s time for us to ask ourselves if we might be asking too much of them.

Read up on your 'disorder' create coping tool, these are a lot easier to create and use when you don't have to keep explaining yourself to someone, especially someone who appears to not really care about how difficult things are for you. The only thing to do in a situation like that is to take control of it yourself. It won't be easy and it won't just come good overnight. It'll take some work but you will feel the benefits if you stick with it. Who knows, you might even be able to heal the relationship between you and your sister.

Brokenfriend
06-17-2008, 10:59 PM
Thank you. I'm unable to fight my illness by myself over a extended period of time. What I do have are hundreds of verses from the Bible to rely on. If I never had this illness in the first place,I probably would never have found Faith in the Lord. Is bad is this condition is,I have received a blessing. BF

Brokenfriend
06-18-2008, 12:15 AM
I plan on giving my sister plenty of space. I know that she is ill with MS,and I'm going to look up "Emotional lability". That might be the problem. We got along well in the beginning,but slowly she turned each thing off that I had to offer,and that hurt me. That's all I know. I ended up defending myself. The same thing happened to me at the Supermarket. The Boss was hostil toward most everyone,and I was the one who she came to in secret,to do things for her that the other people wouldn't do. I did those things,and felt honored that she knew that I was reliable. I worked for my boss for 14 years in a Supermarket. It took a toll on me after awhile. Things never went smoothly.

As far as my sister,and I,maybe it's all my fault,or my fault because I defended myself,and she has Emotional Lability. I don't know. She tried to fix me. She said she wants to fix. She didn't understand the problem,and I defended myself. Maybe I should have been mature enough to receive what she was trying to do,but I was hurting,and tried to give her understanding,and tried to teach her a few fundimentals on my condition. That didn't help,she thought that I was lecturing her. I wasn't,but thats how she took it. BF

Froggy
08-27-2008, 05:49 PM
Oh my God, I am not alone and I have been living with a person like your Sister for 21 yrs. My partner, always angry, I am always wrong, from the time I get up to the time I go to Bed, nothing I do is ever right. he even tells me how to do my Job, go figure. he has the answers to everyhting. My friends wonder how I do it. They say they are friends not for his sake but or me. I keep saying to myself, he is sick, he will not get help, tried, that total dneila, Docotr, is wrong, when he is tired of one Docotr, then he goes to another, they are all worng, the whole world is wrong except him..... He is the only person I know who can get up in total anger for noreason.. If I get toom uch attention, well it is cause I am flirting, If I am quiet, then Im am anti-social. Very jealous, very insecure, mad at the world. Changes his mind constantly. I always say to him If life is so Bad with me then just go,, but he never does. I have actually learned to tune him out.. Why do I stay, people ask me, not sure, I used to love him a lot, tooo much at stake, we have a business together, just not fed up enough. I have learned to just tune him out. Plus I always say, what goes around comes around and I really believe that.
Thnaks for sharing, nice to know I amn ot alone. Hey this your Sister, try the ignore approach, maybe she will see a new, different you. My partner knows what I am dojng and it drives him crazy now when he does not get me upset, I just walk away.
People will say, many things, but I believe do bnot judge unless you are in the same situation, courage my friend and remember there are always people worse off than you and I right now. It still hurts, after all we are only human, just try and focus more on you. That is what I do. Also freinds are a great support.
TTFN
Froggy

Vowel Lady
08-28-2008, 10:40 AM
No one can really say what is going on. Do you think your sister is concerned about her temperment? Has it affected other aspects of her life? Certainly, if she is unkind towards you, you have a choice to not let it "bug" you and to limit your interactions with her. It does sound like she has some possible issues with depression, but only she can make the personal decision to get help for herself. You can make a personal decision to understand that she is hurting, not react to this by letting it "bug" you . You can limit time with her to protect yourself. After all, it does you and your family no good to be in a state of turmoil nor does it help your sister if your interactions with her cause you to feel crummy. Perhaps/consider if given the opportunity only, suggesting that your sister speak with her doctor if she is under too much stress and again...carefully pick the times that you will interact with her so that it will more likely be a positive experience.

Here is a website that offers many descriptions and articles:
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/index.php

dizzie lizzy
08-28-2008, 11:49 AM
I totally empathize with both of you. My Dad has terrorized all of us my whole life. His whole family is nasty, cold, judgmental etc. Don't know why. Interestingly his father had something that they called MS at the time b/c they didn't know what it was- it was the garbage dump diagnosis of the day. We missed our chance to know for sure when he died b/c they all finally agreed on something- they didn't want an autopsy! All 3 of them have alienated everyone they come in contact with. It's a total disaster that has left me extended familyless. It's sad but necessary. I just cannot let their problems weigh me down and keep me from living the life I am entitled to. That being said, when it's your nuclear family it hurts that much more. Not being able to be close to my Dad hurts both of us. He is a major control freak in the same way you both described. Half the time he is angry, half the time in despair with brief interludes of extreme euphoria. We thought for a long time he must be bipolar but we'll never know b/c he'll never admit that there is anything wrong with him and seek help. Actually recently he has started alluding to am awareness that maybe something is wrong with him, but I have strong doubts he'll ever seek a doctor's help or if he did that he'd stick with it. He's been to family and couples counselling a few times and every time there is something wrong with the counsellor and they are wrong or don't know what they're talking about or SOMETHING. Consequently, our family time is very structured and minimal. We stay away from topics that are triggers (making conversation difficult for lack of topics lol) and try to keep the power situation equal- I always have a way to leave and am never dependent on him for transportation. Through my trial with having a mystery illness this year, I have had to balance keeping him informed and feeling like he's a part of what's going on without allowing him to destroy the healing process. He HAD to come to talk to my GP when we were deciding on surgery. I didn't mind that he wanted to talk to the Dr but when we got there he was all wound up. He brought in his father's illness ( which could have been relavent) but could not express it coherently. After listening to him ramble for 10 minutes without making any sense the Dr politely interrupted and steered the conversation back to the potential surgery. He felt blown off. In his mind, she was afraid of listening to him or too lazy or whatever. He has no idea that he wasn't making sense. Now he has a chip on his shoulder regarding this doctor who is very good and listens to me and doesn't rush me and truly cares- more than I can say for some others. Sigh... Sorry this ended up so long. As you know it's a complicated issue. You are NOT alone. PM me if you need to talk more about it.

DL

Brokenfriend
09-10-2008, 09:50 PM
Thank you Froggy,Vowel Lady,and dizzie lizzy. I have backed away from her,and have created space between us,and she has done the same thing. Thank you for letting me know that I'm not the only one.

My Dad has now started being irrational,and I find this to be very unexpected. He was a alcoholic,and hurt me allot when I was growing up. Then we became friends,but recently he doesn't want to see me.

I think that my sister has created a wedge between me,and my dad. I just don't know. He's very explosive like he was when he was a alcoholic. I've been very depressed about this. I haven't called him back.

I remember when he got like this when I was a teenager,and there is no use to try to reason with him. He diverted everything that was said,and threw insults,created guilt trips,exploded with damaging talk. I totally backed away immediately. There is no use to talk to him when he's like that.

I am trying to realize that these things aren't my fault. It feels so bad though. They are controlling personalities. I hope Dad,and I make peace again before her dies. He's 88,and I just want my Dad to know that I love him,but he's changed. Mom died last year. I just don't understand why the family is breaking apart. Why is this happening? I just don't know. I had prayed so much in the past. It's like the love has disappeared. I'm alone.

Thank you for the kind words,and letting me talk about these things. God bless you all. BF:Dunno::hug::grouphug:

Wiix
09-19-2008, 05:44 PM
I have moved close to where my sister,and brother in law live. I've noticed that she is very angry at one person ,and then another. I heard some things about where she use to work,and they had some problems with her.

All I know is she had a real cold feeling for our Mother who didn't have allot of love for us. This angers her.

She has been angry at one person after another for four years. Now she's angry at me. It's been three months now.

She sort of snaps at me a little,accuses me of things,judges me,and tries to put me under her control. She makes me feel guilty,instead of supporting me,or backing me up.

She want's to be right about everything that we talk about. She wants me to sit in certain places,and she wants to direct me around the house all the time. She advises me about things that are non of her business. She doesn't like the way I work. This continually hurts my self esteem. I don't need that. I feel rejection. This hurts me deeply,and I thought that this kind of treatment was over for me.

She got angry at me on the phone 5 years ago,and literally screamed at me,and let me have it. I still remember it,and it was awful. She was angry at me for about 9 months.

I'm baffled. I don't know whats wrong with her emotions. She has MS. Her mental condition seems to be anger. I cannot help If I have different opinions about things that I think are right. There's much more then this. I'm starting to feal a little paranoid,because of her treatment to me,and I don't have paranoia.

My Dad is still alive but he doesn't want to talk about family problems. He has a very explosive temper,and I grew up being fussed at. I don't understand this.

When one problem with one person is resolved,she becomes angry at another person. I see this very clearly. She counts the number of things that she has against someone,and judges them. What is this? She won't go to a therapist.

These are personal attacks. I know the difference between constructive criticism,and personal attacks. I wonder if they did this when I was a kid. I do remember her being condescending in her jokes to me. Brokenfriend

EWWWW, that's rough. Yea, she is suffering from just being generally ****** Off at the World. She has issues she hasn't or can't resolve. If I had a sister or anyone like that, for my own mental health I just wouldn't see them. They are going to be this way no matter what about EVERYTHING. What's that they say? something about Anger turned inward is Depression? She is turning hers outward. Probably good for her but not for anyone around her. She needs to resolve her issues somehow. For myself, I have been depressed most of my life BECAUSE I was in situations I didn't want to be in doing things I didn't want to do and I had no control of anything. I got better once I extricated myself from all that. It meant divorce. And it took years after that for me to start to feel better. Is she a people pleaser?? Is she always doing for others?? Maybe she feels unappreciated? That can **** a person off. Does she take care of herself?? Does she have time for herself?? A social outlet?? A close friend or friends she can do things with? All these things are important. Can she remove herself from her situation or is she STUCK?? If she feels stuck that could account for her constant anger and fault finding.

Olala
12-16-2009, 12:54 AM
I'm absolutely understand you :( .... so sad :(

michael178
12-21-2009, 12:16 AM
To me the question is why do you put up with your sister's attitude towards you. I recommend sitting down with her and explain how you feel.

chai83
08-08-2012, 06:33 AM
Hello I totally understand how you feel. My mom is like that she complains about the stupidest things and always made. esp. in the morning when she has to go to work. I feel like she's angry all the time because growing up she was fatherless & her mother & her was really poor. I think she feels like her whole life she struggle and she comes to America and she still does crappy work but still it's so annoying she try control everyone and she's always mad over the stupidiest things all the time. For an example if we clean the house and it's not clean like she wants it she'll yell, or wake up and complain, or things gotta be her way if not she'll go on and on. It's so annoying I try not to get pisst off or start a fight and just let her complain but sometimes I really can't take it. Oh just like the other day she was mad about the stove that she always have to clean it after we cook on it because it's dirty or complain about dishes we just wash and it's in the drying rack and she want it put away even though it's still wet. It's just like stupid stuff and she always put us down when she wants us to do or not do something. A few weeks ago my father got a little of his fingers chopped off from a lawn mower and she just complain bout why he put his fingers in to get it chopped off I'm just saying it's an accident you know but she made him feel guilty and didn't seem to care at all. When we bring up about the way she is she gets all mad and don't want to hear it but it's really crazy the stuff that bothers her and when she gets mad sometimes it pisst me off. Seriously it's annoying she wake up at 6am to go to work she yells about stuff before she goes to work and I'm a light sleeper so I would wake up and it pisst me off cause after I can't go back to sleep.