Absolutelty Confused about Personal Responsibility

[GladysD]

I don't know if this is the correct board, but wanted to start here, I suppose.

I'm in a rut where I am alienating family left and right. I've been told twice this week on two different occassion to grow up, etc.

Without getting into details. Once I tried an apology...wasn't accepted.

What is a proper apology? One that doesn't offend? I thought I understood what personal responsibility was, but am now baffled and full of self-doubt.

Can someone please explain this???

Thanks in advance....

[Curious]

:hug: gladys, if you gave the apology from your heart and you meant it, there isn't much else to do. it's up to the person to be able to accept it. some people hold grudges.

for me an apology shouldn't have a justification attached. a reason why. not sure if that sounded right.

i don't have a relationship with my mother in-law because of her bad actions and words that happened after. she wouldn't own up to what she had done. kept justifying on how things "might" have happened. her story changed and changed.

her apology rang false to me. like she didn't really care that i was hurt deeply. that she was saying it, because she was supposed.

a short" am so very sorry that i hurt you and will do my utmost to see that it never happens again. can you forgive me?

now..ya know...this is all just my opinion. hopefully more will chime in.

might want to move this to social chat if you want more replies. let me know.

:hug:

[DM]

Hey Gladys~ I agree w/Yappy. A heartfelt apology should be sufficient. Some people love to harbor grudges. My MIL has never been kind to either myself or my children most of my 33 yrs of married life. It has been a subject of contention for yrs, but now she has Alzheimer's and I am still at the end of her moods. Sometimes she's ok and the next~~ look out.

But, I have to be the bigger person now.

I anm trying to learn to let it go.. Now, one of my BIL's is being an Ar$$ and I just can't understand why he loves to fight. It only hurts my DH, so guess I'm saying that if the offended party doesn't want to make up, then there's not much else you can do.

I'm not sure if I helped or not... Just be you, Gladys and that's all you can offer.

[GladysD]

Hey Gladys~ I agree w/Yappy. A heartfelt apology should be sufficient. Some people love to harbor grudges. My MIL has never been kind to either myself or my children most of my 33 yrs of married life. It has been a subject of contention for yrs, but now she has Alzheimer's and I am still at the end of her moods. Sometimes she's ok and the next~~ look out.

But, I have to be the bigger person now.

I anm trying to learn to let it go.. Now, one of my BIL's is being an Ar$$ and I just can't understand why he loves to fight. It only hurts my DH, so guess I'm saying that if the offended party doesn't want to make up, then there's not much else you can do.

I'm not sure if I helped or not... Just be you, Gladys and that's all you can offer.

All it takes is a heartfelt apology??? That's personal responsibility? I can accept the idea that I cannot control the forgiveness part of the apology, but really? Heartfelt? I can accept this as a way of life....maybe I just need to work on sincerity? Thanks for the replies :)

[Curious]

gladys it may not be you.

it may just be the person or people. some will never accept apologies.

when my mother in-law apologizes, she roles her eyes. her tone of voice is sarcastic.

for many years i still accepted them.

the last one. nope, i knew she didn't mean it.

i'm sorry you are going through this. :hug:

[GladysD]

Thanks:)

I'm starting to think it may not be me after all :D

I realized something about my family over the past 24 hours....passive aggressive, judgemental behavior seems to run rampant....*sigh*....

Guess that's why when seeking wellness we are taught to just focus on ourselves and how we react to situations. ;D

I thought I was doing well in the personal responsibility department. One of my own relatives tossed me a curve ball and I was a bit shocked and blown out of the water. I think they should just mind their own beeswax...or get two sides to the story before jumping right in....

Well today is a much better day for me. Thank you all for your replies

[GladysD]

Last Night, I wrote up an extemely heartfelt apology to a loved one!!! It's not a simple I'm sorry, not at all. It's two pages of raw honesty about my behaviour and how I owned up to hurting them. I'm sure this won't 'right' all the hurts and annoyances that went along with my 'inflicted' pain, but I certainly hope that it builds the bridge for a bright future.

The thing I've found most confusing about personal responsibilty and saying I'm sorry, is that a simple I'm sorry isn't good enough....and it's natural to find it difficult to apologize without making excuses for poor behaviour.

Apologies can sometimes take time, if they are going to come straight from the heart. And then the hard part about that....once you do give a heartfelt apology, you are vulnerable to the fact that you may never be forgiven. But that's a chance I've got to take.....

I feel confident with what's written. Once I am given back access{fyi-had dh type new password to one of my e-mail accounts, per my own request}, I shall type it up and send it. I'm tweaking the rough spots while I wait. Patience is truly a virtue I hope to learn more of. :)

[Curious]

:hug: part of the healing is learning to forgive yourself. i hope you can do that.

[GladysD]

I guess that's part of the healing process.

Learning to forgive myself and love myself and realize that I, too, belong on this Earth ;)

THank you for this today, Curious :D

[Vowel Lady]

What a great question!
I agree, an apology from the heart is most appreciated.
In addition, whenever possible...I think it is best to add to the apology the following:
1) A plan to recitify as best as possible any problems that might have happened because of something you did or said
and
2) Say (and mean) that you have learned from the experience and will not repeat it


I think if all these things are present, then apologies are appreciated and are almost always accepted.

Wishing you well.

[prettynpinkk]

I don't know if this is the correct board, but wanted to start here, I suppose.

I'm in a rut where I am alienating family left and right. I've been told twice this week on two different occassion to grow up, etc.

Without getting into details. Once I tried an apology...wasn't accepted.

What is a proper apology? One that doesn't offend? I thought I understood what personal responsibility was, but am now baffled and full of self-doubt.

Can someone please explain this???

Thanks in advance....

HI, I JUST JOINED THIS SITE . I AM ON HERE TO LEARN ABUT MYSELF AS WELL AS HELP OTHER PEOPLE. I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE THE PERSON THAT SAYS THINGSOTHERS DONT SAY. I AM MOST IF THE TIME NOT DISRESPECTFUL BY IT AT ALL. SO HAPPY TO MEEET U

aS FOR YOUR PROBLEM. APOLOGIES ARE " ACTION" WORDS. WHEN YOU APOLIGIZE IT'S SAYING THAT YOU WILL TRY YOUR BEST TO WORK ON THOSE ISSUES AND NOT HAVE THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. DON'T EVEN SAY YOUR SORRY IF YOU TRULEY DON'T MEAN THATYOUR GOING TO SHOW STEPS TO INPROVE IT REALLY EFFECTS PEOPLE TRUST FOR U.

LETS JUST SAY FOR INSTANCE YOU BORROW MONEY FROM YOUR MOM, AND YOU TELL HER YOUR GOING TO PAY HER BACK IN 5 DAYS 5 DAYS COMES AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY. lETS SAY ONE OUT OF 10 U FAIL TO PAY HER BACK ON TIME THAN YOUR NOT REALLY SORRY WHEN YOU DON'T PAY HER BACK. NOW LETS EVEN SAY 5 OUT OF 5 TIMES YOU PAY HER BACK WHEN YOU SAY, THAN SHE'LL STILL BE A LITTLE UPSET BUT SHE WILL SEE INPROVEMENT SO SHE WILL NOT BE AS MAD, NOW IF YOU DO 5 OUT OF 5 TIMES FOR A YEAR THAN YOU REALLY HAVE'NT LEARNED MUCH.

hOPE I COULD HELP

MAY I ASKED WHY YOU JOINED THIS GROUP, I THINK WE ALL NEED TO STICK TOGETHER AND HELPONE ANOTHER OUT.

[GladysD]

I joined NT because I have MS.

[GladysD]

I realized I was alienating my family because as I grow emotionally healthier, I am no longer part of their dysfunction. I no longer fit the role of people pleaser. Becoming emotionally healthy is a threat to those that enable unhealthy behaviors, because it then forces them to look at themselve in a less than positive light, to see that they aren't as healthy as they'd like to imagine themselves to be....

[GladysD]

HI, I JUST JOINED THIS SITE . I AM ON HERE TO LEARN ABUT MYSELF AS WELL AS HELP OTHER PEOPLE. I CONSIDER MYSELF TO BE THE PERSON THAT SAYS THINGSOTHERS DONT SAY. I AM MOST IF THE TIME NOT DISRESPECTFUL BY IT AT ALL. SO HAPPY TO MEEET U

aS FOR YOUR PROBLEM. APOLOGIES ARE " ACTION" WORDS. WHEN YOU APOLIGIZE IT'S SAYING THAT YOU WILL TRY YOUR BEST TO WORK ON THOSE ISSUES AND NOT HAVE THAT HAPPEN AGAIN. DON'T EVEN SAY YOUR SORRY IF YOU TRULEY DON'T MEAN THATYOUR GOING TO SHOW STEPS TO INPROVE IT REALLY EFFECTS PEOPLE TRUST FOR U.

LETS JUST SAY FOR INSTANCE YOU BORROW MONEY FROM YOUR MOM, AND YOU TELL HER YOUR GOING TO PAY HER BACK IN 5 DAYS 5 DAYS COMES AND YOU DON'T HAVE THE MONEY. lETS SAY ONE OUT OF 10 U FAIL TO PAY HER BACK ON TIME THAN YOUR NOT REALLY SORRY WHEN YOU DON'T PAY HER BACK. NOW LETS EVEN SAY 5 OUT OF 5 TIMES YOU PAY HER BACK WHEN YOU SAY, THAN SHE'LL STILL BE A LITTLE UPSET BUT SHE WILL SEE INPROVEMENT SO SHE WILL NOT BE AS MAD, NOW IF YOU DO 5 OUT OF 5 TIMES FOR A YEAR THAN YOU REALLY HAVE'NT LEARNED MUCH.

hOPE I COULD HELP

MAY I ASKED WHY YOU JOINED THIS GROUP, I THINK WE ALL NEED TO STICK TOGETHER AND HELPONE ANOTHER OUT.

May I ask, are you still borrowing money from dear ole mom?

[GladysD]

http://psychcentral.com/blog/?p=2295

Maybe the above article about being responsible for our own feelings, Thanks Dr. John, sheds light a bit on personal repsonsibility?