Nik-key
08-08-2008, 02:56 PM
I did have a couple of epiphanies these past couple of weeks.
Pain can lead you to the damnedest places.....
1) I of course can’t help but think about what the doctors have told me is in store for Lynn. It is so very hard. I came to understand, a deep sense of just knowing.. worrying about it, letting it consume me, will not change the outcome. It is going to happen,….I can’t stop it! Only a fool would waste their life, their today’s overwhelmed in the grief that is to come. My daddy didn’t raise no fool!
Lynn was so unhappy these past years, Alzheimer’s had turned him into a
virtual stranger. Someone who was angry, full of rage and aggression.
It was devastating to say the least. The medication Lynn is now on has been a miracle for Lynn. It has calmed down the aggressive part of Alzheimer’s and given me back a part of Lynn I thought surely to never see again.
It can’t of course restore or give me back all the thing Alzheimer’s has robbed us of. (there is that touch of grey in the silver lining)
But, I am so thankful, grateful for what I have been given. It is such a joy to see him so happy again! To be told daily I am loved once more. In that I am so happy I could bust!! I am going to keep digging deep within myself, for those traits my Dad loved so much about me. I am striving to - every single day - make the most of the gift I have been given …..and enjoy this precious time with Lynn.
2) I had another dream. I can’t believe I am sharing it, but of all the people I ‘know” I trust you all the most. Again, in this dream, I was with my dad. It was so incredibly real! I woke gasping for breath, trembling, I swear I could still smell his scent, feel his touch. I know I desperately needed to “be” with him ..… I do not care if my Dad really did “ come to me” or if it was just a mind gone mad with grief. I was deeply moved and I will never forget the experience.
A couple of thing I wanted to share that I took away from the experience, is a better understanding of the whys he could take his life. It isn’t as if a whole conversation is engrained in my memory, I wish it could be- but that isn’t how it worked. I remember key things, a sense of meanings. Not sure that makes sense to anyone but me. The first was an overpowering sense that he was finally at peace. How could I wish anything
other than that for the man I loved so dearly?
The second was an understanding, that he just couldn’t let me, and all who love him, watch him waste away in a slow painful death. I had known this of course, as he had always said he wouldn’t let us watch him die the way he had to watch his brother. But what was unique, and intense - was the sensation of how much he felt leaving us quickly, was the only way he could leave us at all. Almost like it was a desperate attempt to not only save us, but himself.
I will never know which grief is worse, him dying the way he did….or watching him waste away with years of pain and unrelenting suffering. I know I would have selfishly picked the later , but it wasn’t my choice after all. My sense was he thought fast and quick would make the grief not last as long. It took 3 years after we were told nothing more could be done, for my uncle to die. In 3 years, will my grief have subsided to a dull roar? I don’t know.
All I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is he felt this would be easier. I have decided to truly and fully forgive him, I am going to remember the man who loved me, I know he would never wish to hurt me. In fact all his life, tried to protect me. That is how I am going to survive this. With the knowledge and comfort of knowing I was truly loved...That I love my Dad enough to try to accept and even honor his last choice.
He deserves no less. My Dad… My Hero.
Pain can lead you to the damnedest places.....
1) I of course can’t help but think about what the doctors have told me is in store for Lynn. It is so very hard. I came to understand, a deep sense of just knowing.. worrying about it, letting it consume me, will not change the outcome. It is going to happen,….I can’t stop it! Only a fool would waste their life, their today’s overwhelmed in the grief that is to come. My daddy didn’t raise no fool!
Lynn was so unhappy these past years, Alzheimer’s had turned him into a
virtual stranger. Someone who was angry, full of rage and aggression.
It was devastating to say the least. The medication Lynn is now on has been a miracle for Lynn. It has calmed down the aggressive part of Alzheimer’s and given me back a part of Lynn I thought surely to never see again.
It can’t of course restore or give me back all the thing Alzheimer’s has robbed us of. (there is that touch of grey in the silver lining)
But, I am so thankful, grateful for what I have been given. It is such a joy to see him so happy again! To be told daily I am loved once more. In that I am so happy I could bust!! I am going to keep digging deep within myself, for those traits my Dad loved so much about me. I am striving to - every single day - make the most of the gift I have been given …..and enjoy this precious time with Lynn.
2) I had another dream. I can’t believe I am sharing it, but of all the people I ‘know” I trust you all the most. Again, in this dream, I was with my dad. It was so incredibly real! I woke gasping for breath, trembling, I swear I could still smell his scent, feel his touch. I know I desperately needed to “be” with him ..… I do not care if my Dad really did “ come to me” or if it was just a mind gone mad with grief. I was deeply moved and I will never forget the experience.
A couple of thing I wanted to share that I took away from the experience, is a better understanding of the whys he could take his life. It isn’t as if a whole conversation is engrained in my memory, I wish it could be- but that isn’t how it worked. I remember key things, a sense of meanings. Not sure that makes sense to anyone but me. The first was an overpowering sense that he was finally at peace. How could I wish anything
other than that for the man I loved so dearly?
The second was an understanding, that he just couldn’t let me, and all who love him, watch him waste away in a slow painful death. I had known this of course, as he had always said he wouldn’t let us watch him die the way he had to watch his brother. But what was unique, and intense - was the sensation of how much he felt leaving us quickly, was the only way he could leave us at all. Almost like it was a desperate attempt to not only save us, but himself.
I will never know which grief is worse, him dying the way he did….or watching him waste away with years of pain and unrelenting suffering. I know I would have selfishly picked the later , but it wasn’t my choice after all. My sense was he thought fast and quick would make the grief not last as long. It took 3 years after we were told nothing more could be done, for my uncle to die. In 3 years, will my grief have subsided to a dull roar? I don’t know.
All I do know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, is he felt this would be easier. I have decided to truly and fully forgive him, I am going to remember the man who loved me, I know he would never wish to hurt me. In fact all his life, tried to protect me. That is how I am going to survive this. With the knowledge and comfort of knowing I was truly loved...That I love my Dad enough to try to accept and even honor his last choice.
He deserves no less. My Dad… My Hero.