Bad thoughts

[Burntmarshmallow]

I havent felt this horrible in a long time the thoughts of ending things keep poping in and out of my mind. I need some strength and some hugs. I dont feel like talking about why I feel the way I do just that i feel really bad useless and I feel like I am nothing right now.
I have a full plate that is over flowing. I will be back here when i can. I jst want good thoughts not the bad ones in my head right now.
so if i give you all a hug can i get one back?? :grouphug:
t.y.
PEACE
BMW p.s. please no one call because calling me that will just make things worse for me right now ..posting to/for me will help more then any of you could know. thank you for understanding and for caring!

[who moi]

well, I was just about to log off...glad I saw this...

(((((((((((((((mallowhaid))))))))))))))

[Curious]

:hug: :hug:

http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1517/1517077vf4mm2s1zx.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

now who does that monkey remind you of?

whatever i can do, let me know. :hug: love you bmw. :hug:

[Nik-key]

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l440/nikki1of7/Wolf-1-2.jpg

[Curious]

http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1510/1510691b4ubf7xxgd.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

[snoozie]

Hi BMW, you can give me all your bad thoughts because I am feeling pretty strong right now. In return I will give you all my happy thoughts because I always have happy thoughts to share. :hug:

Keep on keepin on the my little chicklit. Prayers, good warm thoughts are surrounding you right now...can ya feel them?? :hug:...Sue

[CTenaLouise]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3168/2860817174_d58b885b53.jpg
buttercream roses~

with love~

[CTenaLouise]

http://farm4.static.flickr.com/3129/2859987807_353ebef9ab.jpg

[Doody]

(((BMW sis))) Always a hug and a prayer for you. But if you do feel like talking, you have my numbers. It's a good thing we have strong people here right now. :hug:

[CTenaLouise]

http://farm3.static.flickr.com/2141/2848603493_3fbebbe25d.jpg

[CTenaLouise]

my dreamy artz slideshow for Peace to your minds...
luv~ moi...:hug::hug::hug:

http://www.flickr.com/photos/soloflight/sets/72157607159947326/show/

[Nik-key]

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l440/nikki1of7/Wolf-White-1.jpg

[DM]

Sending hugs and positive thoughts your way, BMW~~

http://dl8.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1014/1014228uqpn1twdvp.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

[Wren]

I love you

And I care very, very much. :hug:

[jaded2nite]

BMW

I am sorry things are so bad for you. I wish I had the words to help. Please know I am thinking about you and if there is anything I can do please let me know, I am not that far away, Tampa is pretty close to you!

Take care of you!
Dottie

[Spanish Moss]

http://www.randeane.com/images/cards-greeting.jpg

Holding you in our hearts, BMW:grouphug:

[mistiis]

:hug: praying that the ember is being fanned into a warm flame of comfort that will give you what you need right now........:circlelove:

[FeelinGoofy]

You are always in my thoughts and prayers sis.....

http://dl7.glitter-graphics.net/pub/79/79957ilgbq8ovlu.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

[Koala77]

BMW, you know what you mean to me without me saying the words. I too am having a bad day, but I want you to know that you're in my thoughts and prayers, just as sure as I am that I'll be in your's when you read about what's happening in my life.

.............http://i288.photobucket.com/albums/ll168/jmalsc88/Koalas/thKoala2cc.jpg

[Burntmarshmallow]

I feel like the moon that I see in the sky tonight. It is so full and it is trying to shine so big and bright but the dark thick clouds fall over it before it can be. It gets wrapped in clouds and hidden. So that all I can see is a faint hint of its true big full bright lovely moon self.:(
I am tired of being degraded and put down. I am tired of walking on eggshells. I am tired of being ridiculed so that what ever I do is never the right thing. And everything I do is always wrong. I am afraid to do anything because I do not want to be put down or made fun of. I don’t have much confidence in my self or anything I do any more. I want to cry but if I cry I know I will hear look at you you’re a grown adult crying like a baby. I don’t even feel like part of my family anymore. I just have been put down and my emotions have been stretched way way to far. And the other person doesn’t even seem to care they seem much happier and content when they make me feel this way and I am like w.t.f. This isn’t who I married I don’t do this to you. I don’t understand life sometimes. I guess it is just like the moon maybe that gets full and tries to shine even if the clouds try to choke it in darkness. Sometimes a tiny little silver beam escapes bouncing off the thick clouds .
and that tiny little silver shard of light is what i am hanging on to. thank you all for being my tiny shard of light!!!!

[Twinkletoes]

Awwwww, my poor little toasted friend. :(

I would post a nice big sparkly graphic if only I knew how. *sigh*

And I would call you, 'cept you said not to.

Your family needs to realize what a loving and caring person you are. You have given so much support to so many on this board, including me. I can't imagine why they (family) won't rally around you and lift you with their love. *shakes head*

Just not fair that my gooey friend is feeling so sad.

Please don't cry: you'll turn into MeltedMarshmallow :eek: :D

*handing BMW a stick so she can get toasted nice and crispy again*

Sending hugs and love. :hug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2vBnJyOUWdM

[who moi]

http://i205.photobucket.com/albums/bb203/YoginiRF/Believe-1.jpg

[who moi]

http://pravstalk.com/wp-content/uploads/2007/09/pravs-j-believe-in-yourself.jpg

[Nik-key]

((BMW)) I wrote a long but post...but thought I better send it in a PM
instead:o But wanted to write here as well and tell you....
you ARE truly special~ and I love you. :hug::hug:

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l440/nikki1of7/hugsFWolfKisses-1.jpg

[Burntmarshmallow]

my girls are here for me and i for them. it is just hub .he is the most grumpy person ever lately. he either wont say anything or crab, put down ,degrade and belittle me. it is like all the confidance and good things are instantly sucked out of the room when he is around. I cant even do anything i enjoy..including being on the comp. it is hard to relax and sleep to be truthful when he is around because he just knocks me down (not litiraliy he has not hit me for a long long time) but his words and things he says ,how he acts and treats me knocks me down . he jokes that at work others call him chef ramsy from hells kitchen. ha ha thats sooo funny try living with him id like to say to them. dosent wear sleep mask and is just sooo grumpy for far to long now it seems.. and i soak it all up like a bread dipped in gravy and I turn into this mushy slice of nothing. i think how easy it would be to just end things and be done with it all and the thoughts of doing that come and go. i try to see future and there is nothing there to se really. I do not like those thoughts! I need strength and self confidance. I want to see my girls make it out of nest and after they do.. I plan to also because i cant keep going like this. and i know it is hard for others to understand after 23 years of marriage, like nikki and tammy and moi's... who have so much love and patience and understanding between them and their other halfs.I dont have that and so i dont undersatnd what or how things can be like that and vica versa. I am just trying to get job and see my kids out of nest when they are old enough to do so. I wish things would change and go back to the love we had at one time but it just dosent seem to be going in that direction.. it just seems to be piling up on the yulky stuff and sometimes i am drowning in it. This is my house too but i do not feel comfortable in it. this is so hard to do to admit what i am feeling and how things are. gosh i feel like nothing and i get mad that someone can have such controll and be able to do that to another.:(
i do so need all the posts you have given to me here. Thank you isnt a big enough word to express truely how much and what all of the posts and what all of you meen to me right now. thank you thank you thank you soooo much.
:grouphug:
please dont stop believeing in me or posting to me. i see about 6 messages i need to go read them and then hit the road for job hunting.
PEACE
BMW

[Nik-key]

BMW, one of those posts you see, is from me :hug:
You know hun, life is too short to spend it with someone who makes
you feel this way..... I know, I know how hard it is to leave....

My sister's case ...she had emotional and physical abuse. She divorced him.
She lost her home in the battle, as her ex wouldn't pay the court ordered
child support, so she and the kids are living here with me. Home, isn't simply
a house. It is where one feels safe and loved.

I have another friend who has an alcoholic husband. He isn't abusive, but
it is just sucking the life out of her. She wants to leave, she loves him
but isn't IN love with him any more. She isn't willing to live with friends or
family, and can't make it on her own just yet. So, she made a plan.
She is now back in school to become a nurse.

All marriages require work. If only one is willing to try to make it work, the
other suffers. I can see... you are suffering.:( I can't tell you what you
should do, only you know. But, I can tell you... life is too damn short to
be with someone who is poison to your very soul. You have power Tina,
use it. You can not control how one treats you... but you CAN control
how you let them effect you.

You are beautiful! You are wonderful! You have a heart of pure gold:hug:
Surround yourself with those who see you for the gift you ARE!!
Much love my Angel friend:hug::hug:

[Nik-key]

((BMW))

For you.............. I believe in you :heartthrob:
I love you Angel friend! :hug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzQVBuxuVc4

[Nik-key]

http://i210.photobucket.com/albums/bb90/missaprilh/BELIEVEINYOURSELF1.jpg

[Brokenfriend]

Hugs to you.:hug: I hope you feel better soon.:hug::hug::hug: BF

[Abasaki]

Hi my moon loving friend!!!

I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through....

I'm also sorry that I haven't seen this until now.

Sending you big but gentle hugs!!

You are in my thoughts and prayers.

I'm here if you need someone to talk with.

:hug:
Abbie

[Burntmarshmallow]

it is times like this when i am alone that i feel so weak. when the things that were said,yelled at me the night before run threw me and echo around .and i have bad thoughts and i am so afraid to share this but i fought so hard yesterday to not self injury. i feel so bad ...that i feel like i deserve it. that i deserve to burn myself or cut. but then i thought of how i will look today when i am applying for jobs and job hunting and how it will ruin my plan .so i fought and mannaged to not do anything. it is hard to keep going when it seems the clouds smother every step you take and ya feel so alone . I am a suvivor too a fighter.

Abbie you know somethings about me NO one else knows here that slipped out sorta and please do not think i am now what i was at one time long ago. :(. I have come sooo far from that!!! i dont want you to think i am that person. okay abbie??????????????????? :( :Sigh::Bawling:
:hug::hug::hug:
PEACE
BMW
:grouphug:
:grouphug:
:grouphug:
:grouphug:

[who moi]

mallow haid...

keep your hands off the keyboard for a sec...

now, count to 20 very slowly...you can do it...

while you are counting, breath slowly and let each number follow the rhythm of your breathing...

try to focus on the following sentence and nothing else while you do that. Ready??

WE LOVE YOU

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OK

now...

it's OK to think SI thoughts, SIers have that just like Suicidal thoughts...it's a PART of us...

the trick is to try to NOT act on it...

forget about the world for a sec...focus on yourself, think about who you are...think about the supports you've been given. You are a GOOD person...

keep thinking that...let that thought transcends to the positives...

everytime a negative hurtful thought pops up, don't worry about it too much (I learned that yesterday, the more we fight it, the worse it gets, it is how we manage it when we think about it that counts. :) )

let that negative ride for a little bit and sit on your hands while you ride it out...

and as soon as it subsides and start to slow down, read something wonderful here that's written about you...and focus on that and BELIEVE...

you can do it, we all have faith in you...

(((BIG HUGS)))

[Abasaki]

Abbie you know somethings about me NO one else knows here that slipped out sorta and please do not think i am now what i was at one time long ago. :(. I have come sooo far from that!!! i dont want you to think i am that person. okay abbie??????????????????? :( :Sigh::Bawling:



Oh sweetie... I Love You more today than I did yesterday. You have strength that abounds. I understand where you are and know that you are so very far away from that person of old. You have grown oh so very much!!! I admire your strength and grace!!! I admire your love of people and life.

We all have our ups and downs. During our ups we are able to carry ourselves and lift others to heights far beyond what we could ever have dreamed. During our down times we reach out the best we can so that others can pull us up to our feet and lift us toward that moon.

I've learned that even if we don't reach the moon... oh the beauty of the stars we get to share with each other on the way up.

Please hang in there my dear sweet friend. Know that I am here for you and I would never judge you!!! I am but a PM or Email away if you ever need to talk.

:hug:BIG but gentle hugs.
Love ya,
Abbie

[mistiis]

BMW...you are priceless, you are loved, you are special :hug: Please keep hanging on to that sliver and reach inside for the strength that is there and allow us to fan it. I know how hard it is to feel as though you are not worth dirt, but that is a LIE that we let others tell us and then we believe it and it is NOT TRUE I repeat, NOT TRUE! I am in my second marriage and I know what it is like to be emotionally pounded on by someone else, someone you love. I am also painfully aware of of the dangers. It took a second suicide attempt to finally move me into getting out of the first one. And I have been fighting in my second one. Just a few short months ago I came oh so too close to checking out of life. I had to make some tough decisions and make some drastic changes. Whatever you need to do I hope and pray that we can help. I know...its so very hard. luv you, hang on

[Nik-key]

((BMW)) I Love YOU !

Angel friend warrior of mine..... do not ever feel ashamed of thoughts you are having,
do not ever feel afraid to express them to us. We love you, you are safe here..
THIS is what friends are for.:hug:

Something’s I want to say to you are too personal to post here, so I just sent
you a PM.... Read it and know you are loved. As I wrote in your PM, if he
starts to badger you, knock you down..... take yourself out of the line of fire.
Go for a drive, a walk on the beach ..... and tell yourself over over,
Nikki loves me... We all love you! Look at these beautiful posts! :hug::hug:
((Moi)) ((Abbie)) you made me cry :hug: Surround yourself with those who
care, let us help lift you up. I DO believe in you Angel friend.
Much Love:hug:~Nikki

[Burntmarshmallow]

nikki abbie moi :hug::hug::hug:and every other post here :grouphug:
has been so priceless in helping me get threw the last couple days. I feel okay right now but soon hub will be home and i just plan on watching the red socks game at 7 tonight and blocking everything else out. I will write you back nikki soon promise. and i have those earrings on right now.:hug: we are tied for the lead :D ALL OF you are being held so tight in my mind and soul right now. thank you for lending me some strength to make it threw the last days! my heart is touched !!!!!!!! :grouphug:
yappa friend.... :hug:those bubbles... alffe mom :hug:and doody sister :hug:your cd's :hug: so much help .doody sister for you :hug::hug::hug:
mistiis it is hard and it is just as hard to come here and post how i feel because i am usualy one who is lifting up others and it hurts to admit and share and hurts to not be able to know what to say or help others who need lifitng. Thankyou for reaching back for me...everyone of you . i so need this and need this place right now!:(

[FeelinGoofy]

My sweet sis....
:hug: When those si thoughts come i've found ice to be a great distraction. :wink: You are NOT weak because you have those thoughts... those of us who USE to self injure are tempted to go back to what USE to work... I'm so proud of you for resisting the urge... i know first hand how difficult it is. honestly i've been there myself very recently...Hold tight to what you know is true.... and that is we love you very much.... :heartthrob:

[Nik-key]

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l440/nikki1of7/AngelsAlongSideYouUAADV-1.jpg

[Doody]

(((BMW sis))) There will be a PM for you, but know this. None of us here think that you are a stupid, worthless soul. None of us. Nobody deserves to be treated that way. Your husband is the culprit here, not you. I know it hurts that he is the one doing it, but it still is an ugly and abusive behavior. C-pap or not, his mind is definitely not in the right place.

And I'm so proud of you. :hug:

[Alffe]

I just wanted to leave you a hug dear lady...:hug: Hang tough..that's what survivors do....

[Burntmarshmallow]

i just read all the posts here and somehow i feel very very embarrased. i dont want anyone of my family here to think i am a bad person or anything. today i am just dropping off the rest of my applications then coming back home and getting some sleep Nikki is forcing me to make sure i get some sleep and my body is too :( my stomach is just a big knot i havent eatten much at all and now I think I am getting a cold or an allergy. and all that has my t.n, a.d. pain dancing on my face and head. So sleep will be nice probly take a benadryl allergy tablet too and a warm cuppa tea with toast.
i dont want anyone thinking i am a bad or dumb person or that i dont care . I replyed to some of the messages i got but not all of them cus i am just so tired and stressed and not feeling well right now. i am go9ing to try and hit some of the threads in here before i am off but i will be back later. all the strength and kindness and love i have gotten from all of you is wraped and curled around my heart and soul. thankyou for caring and being so supportive. I LOVE YOU .:hug::grouphug::hug: yes yes alffe mom hanging tough best as i can. :hug:
PEACE
BMW

[Wren]

:hug: BMW...... :hug:
I care .... and I worry.
If I lived nearby I'd be there holding different plates of cookies in each hand ..... that's the best I can do.

[Nik-key]

My dear sweet Angel friend :hug: I have to go to the doctors and am running late... but HAD to reply to this.

Firstly... I LOVE YOU

Secondly.....NO ONE here would EVER think you were "dumb"
"stupid" or a "bad person" !! I am not a violent person by nature. In
fact I am highly against it. But, I have to tell you.... it is probably
a very good thing I do not live close to you! I could not sit by and
watch my Angel friend be beat down like this. :mad:

I have only had physical fights with one person... my sisters ex
after he beat her. Lord I can't tell you how that made me feel.
My dad went with his gun, my brothers with just their fists..
and me with my Red Sox bat....and got her and the kids out.
I attacked him :eek: No one was more shocked than I! But,
I tell you this, the next time he saw me, he ran. Coward.

Anyways back to your point Nik!!! Sweetie, you know.. it just
rips me up that anyone could hurt you like this. I am trying hard
to put my Mamma Bear instincts aside here.... Let me just say
for each hurtful word said ….for each "blow" you receive...
I will give you 10 times as many wonderful words, and lifts
to your spirit and your soul!

Please, do not be embarrassed.... you reached out. And, I am
so very proud of you!!!:hug::hug: I love you Angel friend of
mine! I will be here for you always:hug::hug: Love you~Nikki

[who moi]

mallow haid,

please do not feel embarassed...I don't think anyone would think that you are a BAD person?

You have always been very kind and supportive to many if not all...your little messages here and there make people feel loved and cared about...it's a gift you possess...

glad nik made you sleep...she's a good eggyolk...:)

don't worry about writing people back. They understand...

right now, take care of yourself first...you have to take care of your physical being as well as your mental being so you can face that tough situation at home better so you can have a plan...whatever that plan may be...

don't worry about us too much, just take care of you...

((((BIG HUGS))))

i just read all the posts here and somehow i feel very very embarrased. i dont want anyone of my family here to think i am a bad person or anything. today i am just dropping off the rest of my applications then coming back home and getting some sleep Nikki is forcing me to make sure i get some sleep and my body is too :( my stomach is just a big knot i havent eatten much at all and now I think I am getting a cold or an allergy. and all that has my t.n, a.d. pain dancing on my face and head. So sleep will be nice probly take a benadryl allergy tablet too and a warm cuppa tea with toast.
i dont want anyone thinking i am a bad or dumb person or that i dont care . I replyed to some of the messages i got but not all of them cus i am just so tired and stressed and not feeling well right now. i am go9ing to try and hit some of the threads in here before i am off but i will be back later. all the strength and kindness and love i have gotten from all of you is wraped and curled around my heart and soul. thankyou for caring and being so supportive. I LOVE YOU .:hug::grouphug::hug: yes yes alffe mom hanging tough best as i can. :hug:
PEACE
BMW

[Burntmarshmallow]

please follow link and visit my post ....
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/thread42577-5.html
i am sorry that i again have jumped on top i dont meen to walk on everyone elses posts gosh i am a stupid i am soory about that!!!!!
but i want you all to visit link. t.y.
:grouphug:

[mistiis]

Good for Nikki....sleep is ABSOLUTELY ESSENTIAL...and as Moi says...YOU ARE NOT STUPID you are BRAVE AND BEAUTIFUL and you don't need to answer just try to get some rest and know you are loved...

[Alffe]

Amen to that! You're a beauty Tina. Hugs for the room.:grouphug:

[DM]

http://dl.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1333/1333031c9iobakdct.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

[Crwstar]

It saddens me to read what you are experiencing. In the heart of my heart I embrace you knowing only the unstoppable truth about who you are. Here's the truth - You are worthy, valued, important, loved, intelligent and capable in the mind of God whose mind is the only one that really matters.
Continue to listen to the many many people who LOVE you and speak whether in the silent places of their heart or outloud GOOD thoughts that lift you and create a buoyancy of TRUTH about who you are. And let the remnants of embarrassment fall away - It is always a strong person who gives words to what's going on with them. You are a strong person!

please please please take the word "stupid" and its siblings out of your vocabulary. Nobody thinks these things of you. Your mind and heart are no place for such things. It is quite the mountain to deal with when someone relentlessly puts you down - I know, I grew up with it and watched my mother endure it for many years.

Much love to you :hug:

[Nik-key]

((BMW)) I like you at the top!! :D

I wonder if you would do your Angel friend just one favor?

For 24 hours.......... I wish for you NOT to call yourself stupid!
You can say, I am brave! I am loved! I am kind -giving -full of love etc..
or You can say Nik is a pain in my Butt!.........Anything but knocking
yourself down. Cause hell, then he wins! And, we can't allow that.

I posted in your other thread... still speechless.........

I love you Angel friend of mine:hug::hug::hug:

[Crwstar]

I should add that the minds and hearts of people who Love you trumps anything else. Based on what I've seen here from everyone - You have a very good hand. I think you have all ACES.

I echo Nik - make a commitment to repeat the good things to yourself about yourself.

[who moi]

BMW, (will refrain from calling you mallow head for now. :) )

thank you so much for that....thank you so much for being you...

all the love that have shown here for you speaks volumes of who you are and of your character...

be proud of who you are...and look at all these awesome people...

I am so honored for you...

((((BIG HUGS))))

[Doody]

Who among us from day 1 of BMW's entrance into our group did not think she was one fantastic and loving human being????

Yup! Thought so! Didn't see one hand raised up!

You are somethin special girl! :hug: Hope you are resting and filling yourself up with the beauty all around you.

[Nik-key]

Hmmmm are you doing your homework?? :D

I know you are still struggling and I just wanted to
remind you I care and I love you Angel friend of mine :hug: :hug:

http://i330.photobucket.com/albums/l440/nikki1of7/universe.jpg

[who moi]

reminding again! :D