Family reunion.........

[Nik-key]

I got an email last night about our annual family reunion.
I can't even begin to express the feelings just the title of that email
evoked in me. Out of nowhere I found myself sobbing uncontrollably.
My first thought was ... how can there be a family reunion?
My dad is gone!!

I know I should go. This is my dad's side of the family, they will all be there.
All but the single most important one to me. Dad. I know they want to see me.
But, I also know there is NO way I can do it. It would be just like his services
all over again :eek: Everyone trying to explain that he loved me, he would
never want me hurting this way.. etc etc ...... I know all that!!
But it still frigging hurts!

Well hell!! I am right back where I started 6 months ago! I feel just like I did
as a small child when I lost my Grampa. They had a gathering after his
service, and all these adults were eating and laughing. I could take no more..
I stormed my 7 year old butt in there and demanded what was wrong with
all of them!? Didn't they know I just lost my Grampa!!!

That’s how I feel. What is wrong with you all? A family reunion? My family is
destroyed!! Lord but I am a wreck, and my thoughts are turning dark again.
Just when I feel I may be getting a handle on this, I just might be able to
make it. Out of the blue, something so simple can send me in a downward
spiral. All the pain comes back trying to destroy me.

My sister is coming home on the 11th, I love her to pieces! And haven't been
able to see her since my Grams was dying 2 years ago. Now this visit too,
shall be marred by death. But we won't have the comfort that we did with
Grams. She died a "natural" death. We had the peace that comes with
holding a loved one as they leave this world. We had a chance to say goodbye.

I love my Dad, but he damn well didn't give us any of that. She will visit his
grave for the first time, me for the "millionth" And we will both sob as we hold
on to each other......... and in our minds we will be both be screaming ....WHY!!

[Twinkletoes]

Wow, Nikki. So sad for you and all the emotions you are experiencing b/c of the reunion.

So glad you have a sister to hold on to. :hug: I've always wished I had a sister. You are so lucky!

I can't even imagine how hard it must be for you coming to grips with the manner in which your Dad departed. Obvious that the healing is still early in the process. You still have raw, tender areas and the thought of a reunion causes so much pain.

Maybe your sister will help you decide you can at least show up, even if you choose not to stay for the whole time. Your relatives don't miss him like you do, but talking is sometimes good therapy and they are probably trying to comfort you and themselves.

So sorry, Nikki. Sending prayers and warm wishes for comfort and healing. :hug:

[Addy]

Ahhhh ((((Nik-key))))) wow.... I'm so so sorry for how you're feeling... I'm sure you just want to crawl up in a ball and cry and cry and cry....

I can hear anger in your words...
I can hear strength in your words...
I can hear unfathomable loss....

I can see your pain and at the same time, I can see you are a very wise woman who is sorting through this the best way you know how.

I can't offer any words to make this better.
I can only comfort you with my hug.

:hug: Addy

[Burntmarshmallow]

((((((((Nikki)))))))) I like what Twink replyed. When i first read your post Nikki
The first thing that came to mind is exactly what you yourself said ..how can it be a family reunion when the most specail close person to you (your dad) isnt there :( :hug::hug:. I also thought maybe not go as the stress and worry and deep sadness will blanket over everything. but then I know thats just not nikki... dispite those things she will probly go like the angel friend warrior she is. I am feeling the sadness threw this post. your pain and wonder whys are so fresh it seems like rubbing salt in a wound.I wish we could carry that pain away :hug:
Like Twink said it will be a blessing to have your sister there for support and maybe just going for a little while not for the whole thing is a good compromise . I know they probly just need to see you because in you they also see your dad and that gives some type of comfort to all of them. they want to see you happy and smiling but they must realize that is a good time away from happening. your family sounds like a close loving understanding family and I am sure if you just went for a little while they would understand. ..how much you have been threw, how much you ARE going threw and that healing from such a thing ..takes time .
My angel friend I have to say I am worried about you and everyhting dumping on you... with lynn ,your dad and this family reunion not to mention you mini strokes and also the tests you just had done.... :Bawling::Bawling: your o.n. t.n. a.d. and other stuffs you got going on :grouphug::grouphug:
it is probly very selfish of me to say if you dont feel like going ,if your body tells you "dont go" ...then dont go!! but I know you will you will probly go in your dads honor. so I ask please listen to your body and pay attention to what it asks of you if you feel like only staying a short while then be brave and get up and go after a little while. people will understand.
and too it may seem like your visit is shadowed with the why of this but the why of this is also shadowed with a good close friend!!!!!!!!!!

I have not been good with words lately and I dont want anything I have said to hurt you or anyone please know this above anything else. . . I care, WE alll care and we are here for you all the time for anything. sometimes words are better off not spoken and this may be the case perhaps just some heart felt prayers and hugs is all I need to offer you my angel friend warrior :hug::hug::hug::hug:

[SeamsLikeStitches]

Hi Nikkey,

I've walked the road you are walking, except it was my mom, not my dad. We were best friends. She was 17 when she had me. It's been 5 years for me now. It still hurts. I still cry when I talk to her husband sometimes. I'm 49 years old and I still miss my "Mommy"! Mostly, I miss my best friend!

Seeing her family is hard. They all want to heap all this sympathy on me because they know how hard it is for me. I was so incredibly depressed for so long, it made me physically Ill. I wanted to tell them to "Shut Up", to "Leave me alone!" to just go on with their lives and stop dumping their crap on me! I didn't want to carry "their" pain along with mine too!

See, they thought they were helping me by telling me how sorry they were for me, by hugging me and bringing all the pain back up to the surface again. I felt like they wanted me to tell them it was going to be O.K., I felt like they wanted me to "pretend" like everything was fine. I didn't feel like it was fine, I didn't want to put on a happy face and be the "nice" girl they all expected me to be. I just wanted to be sad and I wanted to be angry that my mom wasn't there with me!

You know, when I started typing this to you, my intention was to be sure it was about YOU, not about my pain.... but letting you know about the pain I went through is the only way I can share with you some of the things you may go through when you go to the reunion.

I have people I see now that I enjoy seeing because they remind me of happy times with my mom. They bring back all the good memories of her. I seek them out. I enjoy being around them. You may want to do that when you are at the reunion. Think about the people that you and your dad had fun with. Think about the people you two did fun things with.

This is probably a good opportunity for you to get some great stories from family members about your dad that you can carry with you. Things that you will enjoy learning.

I don't know if you are ready. Six months is still pretty "soon". I don't know how old you are, but I know that if you make up your mind to tell people you only want to hear positive things about your dad, then you can find a way to enjoy yourself.

Good Luck, and :hug:. If you want to send me a Private message, please feel free. You may not be able to make the decision until the morning of the reunion... just let yourself breathe! One day at a time.

[Nik-key]

Thank you all for your posts and support. They help my soul
but I am still in a bad place I had hoped to never visit again.

See here is the thing about suicide. When someone dies of
cancer -for example - like my uncle. I grieved, we all grieved. But,
we did all go to the family reunion that year. We talked about
good times and about how he had fought a good fight, how we
were grateful he was at last in peace. It was healing.

When someone takes their own life, this just can't be done.
There can be no healing at this reunion. What am I to say?
What are they to say? Dad shot himself - it was a brutal violent end.
Something that I fear will haunt me my whole life.

I will try to come back later, when I am in a better place and
reread your posts. I thank you all for reaching out to me...
I needed it more than I thought. For that I thank you:hug:

[Alffe]

dear, dear Nikki. :hug: You will visit that bad place again and again. It hasn't been that long since he died.

Your post sent me reaching for the grief journal my sister gave me when Michael killed himself. I was unable to write in it for a very long time...just kept sticking things in it...like letters he'd written to me. And rereading it just now...it's still painful after all these years..to read that I'd roamed around the Cemetary with a loaded gun, longing to join him.

I was "told" how to grieve...told that I needed to talk..told that there was no question of getting beyond it until I "went through it"....blah blah blah.
Sometimes the numbness one feels is harder to bear than the grief.

We do the best we can on a given day....somehow, we survive it.

This is what Anne Lindbergh wrote on the death of her son...

"Contrary to general assuption, the first days of grief are not the worst.

The immediate reaction is shock and numbing disbelief. One has undergone an amputation. after shock comes acute early grief which is a kind of "condensed presence", almost a forum of possession. One still feels the intensity of grief fused the distance between you and the dead.
Or perhaps, in reality, part of one dies."

Of course her baby didn't commit suicide but she certainly described acurately how it feels to lose a loved one so senslessly.

And Edna St. Vincent Millay's "Lament" says it so well....

Life must go on,
And the dead be forgotten;

Life must go on,
Though good men die;

Anne, eat your breadfast;
Dan, take your medicine;

Life must go on;

I just forget why.

Warm hugs....be good to yourself. :hug:

[snoozie]

Hi Nikkey, don't have the right words to say to you but I did want to send you a hug. :hug: Thinking of you right now...Sue

[Spanish Moss]

Dear Nikki,

It has been 9 years since my brother's suicide (we were very close) and 6 since my first husband's. The grief and loss and anger and the why's are still revisited...not every day...not always as intensely painful...but visited, nontheless.

Numerous family reunions have taken place since then....our family dynamics were helpful to me. It provided chances to talk about our loved one...sort of affirmed their lives....that even though they died terribly, we are still family. We sometimes cry together...talk about memories....acknowledge our pain and anger...even laugh about the sweet funny times. We've started to learn how to be a family redefined by this tragedy...something we could never have imagined happening to us.

This was us....only you can decide for you....although you may not know unless you try. I realize that families are all different and some may be very destructive. If that is what your experience has been, then you need to protect yourself and your fragileness.

Whatever you decide...know that you have a "family" here and we are here for you no matter what.

Sending you comforting hugs....:hug:

[Doody]

(((Nikki))) I have no solutions for you. I trust that you will do what is best for you, not them.

Try not to dwell on it but give those thoughts their own time and place so you can stay sane and healthy.

We love you tons and tons Nik. :hug:

[hippiechick]

Nik-Key, I'm so sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. Even the thought of a family reunion must sound horrible and, of course, your first thought is to run and hide from it and I don't blame you at all; who could? Everyone handles pain differently - you actually let yourself feel it. Not to say that others don't feel it, too, it's just that we all process things so much differently and some are able to deal with things by kind of "shutting off" that part that hurts too much to think about and, somehow, go on with the day to day things in life. Sounds like you and I don't. And 6 months - that's such a short time to be expected to "deal" with something so horrific. You're right - it isn't like a "natural" death that can be anticipated; it's something which totally catches a person off guard and leaves so many questions....and, even if we think that we had the answers to those questions, they wouldn't really be enough, would they????? There would always be more....just as with a "natural death" there's always that "one more hug, etc."... And the "first" anything....birthday, holiday, etc. is a hard experience, anyway...so, when the mere thought of something like a family reunion comes around and the one person you so want to see won't be there, of COURSE, it's going to totally reopen all the wounds that had just begun to heal. Now you're back to completely raw and that, to me anyway, seems very normal. I'm not a pro, but I would have to only do what I could do - that's what I tell myself (now!)....but, being raised to be the "good, pleasing girl", I'd probably feel like I "should" suck it up and do what I was "supposed" to do - it's too late in life for that; kind of like the rules between could/should and will/won't have shifted suddenly. I don't feel so much like I have to protect everyone else anymore. I say that we have to first take care of ourselves......then others. I don't know what this is worth to you, but it's sent with good intent and I hope that it's helpful. You've been a big help to me. You are definitely in my thoughts and prayers.....and here's a HUGE hug coming your way!!!!!

[mistiis]

:hug: Nikki....I am so sorry you are having to walk through this grief and pain again...it is too fresh and easily triggered. Those firsts are so hard...so very hard when we miss a loved one. And there is so much more pain because you are dealing with a suicide. I am glad you have friends here who can help you through this. Its is so very important that you take care of YOU!!! It is hard to get in touch with those feelings and then deal with them. It is tiring. I hope you are getting some extra rest. Give yourself some time. I am thinking about you and sending you some extra love and prayers. :hug:

[Nik-key]

I gained something from each and every one of your post.
Be it, support, strength, or the deep sense of being understood
Mostly I know I am not alone, and it is ok to share my feelings.
I am safe here. That is priceless. The support and love here never
ceases to amaze me. You have all come to mean a great deal to me:hug:

Hippiechick, we sound so much alike! I wonder if you are a middle child too?
I am the peace maker, the one to try to always make everything alright. I
did fight with myself about going, but for a very short time. I am ashamed
of myself but I thought, well Dad didn't give a damn about how I would
be after he left, screw it.. I am done with trying to make everything and
everyone alright. I am NOT alright. And I am not going to go and pretend I
am. Sit there listen to stories , even if they are good memories and choke
on my potato salad. No, I wont subject my already weary soul to that...

The reunion isn't what is troubling me .. so much. I have a HUGE family
My Dad was one of 10, and each child had at least 5 children. My immediate
family is what I need most, and we get together every week. So it isn't that
I am isolating myself, I am just not ready for this huge gathering. I already
wrote a brief but kind note expressing how thankful I am for these family
gatherings.. but that is was just too soon after my Dad's death for me to
attend this year. I am sure they will all understand. If not.. well too bad huh?

What is truly troubling me, is that I feel I am back to square one here. I am
tired of fighting, I am tired of being in this pain. I am flat out tired.

Addy you are right, there is anger. And that floors me. I thought I had
laid the worst of that to rest. From the thoughts and words that spewed
out of my mouth today, I think it is fair to say I only blocked it. For the
first time, I said things "to" and about my Dad that I am ashamed of. I called
him things I can't type here... but the gist of it.. I called him a coward and
I told him how selfish I thought he was. My hero... and I had those horrible
thoughts about him. Shocked and sickens me.

At one point I remember just carrying on this one sided conversation, yelling
crying about how much pain I am in, and you don't see me quitting. YOU told
me to fight!! I damn well have, and yet YOU copped out. How dare you!! I
am pissed! And I am tired of pretending I am not.

Alffe, I know that must have hurt you, to open up and share your deep pain
with me. For what it is worth, you helped me tremendously. Yes, these are
the dark thoughts I am talking about. I had them right after it happened as
well. Now these thoughts are back. I love life, I truly do. I love my family
with all that I have. My Dad's suicide.. well... its just too much. The pain is
unlike anything I have ever experienced. It isn't life I want to end... its this
unbearable pain. Alffe, you give me hope that one day, I will be able to make
it. Be more than "just" a survivor of suicide.

I am very grateful I have family coming soon. Lynn's sister is coming Friday,
his daughter Sat and my sis on the 11th. I know it isn't healthy to block...
but I feel so deeply that I simply shut down. I know no other way. I talk and
talk, cry and cry, it doesn't relieve the relenting pain. I am thinking only time
will be able to help me with this.

Ok I have rambled enough for one night, I am going to try to get some sleep
Again, thank you all so much :hug:

[Alffe]

(((Nikki))) You will, someday, be able to remember all the good times without first remembering how he ended it. But, and I know you don't want to hear this...it's going to take a very long time.

I love talking about Michael...he had a huge laugh and it made me laugh to hear it. I just never thought that someone I loved, carried in my body, would preceed me in death...especially not "the one with the great sense of humor"! He didn't leave me laughing.

We are forever changed by their act...but that doesn't mean that we can't forgive it some day. They didn't think...didn't know what it would do to all of us.

Right now Nikki you are right where I'd expect you to be..furious and bewildered by his actions. I'm so sorry. :hug:

And time does help. I'm glad you have family coming..shared tears & hugs will help.

[Nik-key]

(((Nikki))) You will, someday, be able to remember all the good times without first remembering how he ended it. But, and I know you don't want to hear this...it's going to take a very long time.

((Alffe)) You are right, it isn't what I want to hear.. but it IS what
I NEED to hear. I just feel at times that I am going crazy. That it
should be getting a bit easier by now. Not healed. But not so over
powering as the first day either. Yet at times it is. I need to hear
from others like you and seams that what I am feeling is "normal"

I know it must hurt you all to keep revisiting your pain. From someone
in desperate need of sharing with those who truly do know my pain..
I thank you. I'm not ok. But, at least now I feel perhaps I can survive.
I can still hear my Dad's laughter, now it only brings me sadness...
I long for the day when I can hear his laughter and rejoice in it...
Thank you seems so inadequate a word to express to someone who
has given you the grand gift of hope. This forum family is my lifeline,
and I am so very grateful you are here! :hug:

[hippiechick]

Nik-key, glad to "hear" you sounding a bit better tonight. I'm the youngest in my "natural" family and the oldest in my adoptive family - completely opposite situations but very interesting. And, yes, I tend to be protective in both families. In my birth family, my oldest brother and sister-in-law were married when I was 2 years old and I spent a lot of time with them so they were a lot like parents to me and their kids were like a brother and sister to me rather than niece and nephew. My sister-in-law was killed in a car accident 2 weeks before I was married and 6 years later my brother was severely injured and was in a vegetative state for 25 years - I tried to block that out for all of that time and, when he died last year, it was an extremely delayed, devastating reaction to it all at once.....I don't know why. I'm not certain why I went off on that...must've needed to be said for some reason or another. Anyway, like I said last night, I truly do understand the why you are feeling the way you do. I can feel your anger and your questions, etc. and, if I had even the slightest idea or the tiniest bit of an answer for you, I would give you everything that I had. In the meantime, though, I have a hand to hold, a shoulder, hugs, an open heart, an ear to always listen......and all the time in the world. Whatever you want, whatever you need, I promise that I will be here for you. Everyone has been here for me without even knowing me - I've been "adopted" twice in a lifetime! PM me anytime - I very rarely sleep. I am studying a lot, but I can always use an excuse for a break!

[bizi]

I am so sorry for what you are going thru.
((((((HUGS))))))
bizi

[Nik-key]

((Bizi)) Thank you!

((hippiechick)) That is how I often feel too, that this wonderful family
has adopted me. I hope I am able to express this correctly...
I am Awed by you!! Not so long ago, I was trying to lift you up..
that you would post such a heartwarming reply to me, with all you
are going through... well it moves me beyond words.:hug:

I am still crying at the craziest times, I can't figure it out. I think I
have stopped trying to figure it out, and just let it flow. All these first,
truly SUCK!! I am already in panic mode over the impending holidays. :eek:
It is just so different than any loved ones death I have ever experienced.
All first were of course sad with them, but they didn't send me back to
stage one in my grief.

SOS = HELP! How fitting an acronym is that?
Survivor of suicide..... Surviving... it's about all I am doing. Hanging on
one day at a time, while trying to work through all the emotions that are haunting me. :(

[Burntmarshmallow]

((((((Nik))))))) :hug:
:grouphug:

[mistiis]

....((((Nikki))))...you are an awesome example of surviving....you blossom like a flower out of the mud and spread a beautiful fragrance that lifts others.... I am happy to read that you are letting those emotions flow. I think one of the worst things we do to ourselves is run from painful emotions instead of facing them and working through them. I think, in some way, we have to embrace them. I hope that makes sense. Fibro fog has still got a strong hold on me but I am working through it. :Hum: :hug:

[Nik-key]

((Mistiis)) It makes perfect sense :hug:
My trouble is I grieve, as I love.. with all that I am.
It isn't that I try to run from these feelings....
I feel them maybe TOO much. Then my system
just sort of reaches a place where it says ok..
enough.. and I sort of shut down. Hard to explain.
Thank you for being here, you are a wonderful person
full of compassion and love. I appreciate all of your support:hug:

[mistiis]

{{{Nikki}}}...I really do understand that, or at least, I think I do. Communication can be so hard sometimes. I tend to do the same thing. I guess you could say that we are very passionate people and jump into things including love and pain with all that we have. We feel everything so intensely, the love, the joy, the pain. But you are being hit with so much at one time. Its overload!!!! You so amaze me. You inspire me. You make me want to reach even deeper. But what I am really hoping is that you can get some extra rest...give your body the extra nutrients it needs. Keep coming here to be lifted with laughter and understanding. Have to keep extra endorphins flowing....:wink:

[Nik-key]

Computer ....600 dollars

Internet connection ....50 dollars

Unconditional, loving support.. Priceless!! :hug: :D

Ahh I feel you really do understand exactly the way I am
feeling and grieving. Not sure why that helps so much...
but it does!! ((Mistiis))

My sister who lives with me, my twin.. she thinks she may
like to go. We are so much alike, yet SO different. It never
ceases to amaze me.

My brothers never did go often to these functions. But, one
is so much like my Dad it is scary. I now find I am worried all
the time about him. I am told this too is "normal" the fear of
losing someone else this way.

My sister who is coming home for a visit, now she is so much
like me I often wonder if we were meant to be triplets.. just
8 years apart. Her first instinct, as was mine.. are they crazy?
A "family" reunion? Dad is gone! How can there be a reunion?

At first I was a bit baffled as to how something so loving as
my family getting together, a reunion - would cause such a
gut wrenching reaction in me. But now, I think that it is so hard..
because the ONE thing I want most in this world IS a reunion with
my Dad. I long for it deeply. I just have to keep telling myself,
I have to wait...

[mistiis]

((((Nikki)))))..and your..((((family))))...including..(((your dad)))...I hope it doesn't hurt that I put that there because I am sure it will elicit a lot of emotions, conflicting ones. I can tell that you love your dad so very much. He was, and is, an important part of your life. And **ll yes it hurts that they think they can have a family reunion when he can't be there. And that raises a lot of conflicting emotions. I think I can understand your feelings about your brother. We all react to things differently and handle emotions differently. And it is obvious that you love and care about your family A LOT!!! I am glad that you have them to surround you. I like the way you started your post....it really made me smile....I got warm fuzzies all over. :hug:...my brain can't think anymore....I think I need to feed it.....

[Addy]

((((((((Nik-Key)))))))))))))

((((((Mistiis))))))))))))))))))))

[Nik-key]

((Mistiis)) Thank you so much. It does make me sad, but..
I thank you for thinking of my Dad too:hug: I sent you a PM...
but wanted to say here as well... your support means a great
deal to me:hug:

I am still in "my bad place" but, I have decided to stop beating
myself up for it and because of it. I didn't go to my families weekly
get together yesterday, as I knew I would have a melt down. Poor
dears have seen too many of those of late.

Time... it is going to take time. And of course my wondeful family here:hug:

[who moi]

nik,

everyone has said what I could say so all I can say is that you are one special lady...

(((((BIG HUGS)))))

will keep on keeping you and Lyn in our thoughts...