Weekly Check-In Oct 5-11, 2008

[stevem53]

Hi Everyone!..My God, how time flies!..The nights and mornings are getting cooler, and the days shorter..I got my first oil bill this week, since my last one in April..It wasnt pretty, but it was less that I thought it would be

Still making preperations to go out west to meet Harley, and go to the Hope Conference..I have a friend that has a kennel so I could board my diabetic cat..$9.00 per day, plus $1.00 per day for shots..I provide the insulin, syringes, and cat food..The animal hospital up the street wanted $40.00 per day..Laura told me that I could bring he with me if I wanted, but I figured maybe it would be better to board her..The price was right..So now I have to get in touch with a buddy of mine who has a limousine service, to arrange a ride to Logan Airport in Boston so I can get a direct flight to Seattle, get the plane tix, and Im outa here!..For someone who is afraid to get on a plane, Im very excited!

I had to take my friend who Ive been going out clamming with to detox on Thursday..I had been very instrumental in helping him get sober 15 years ago..He relapsed on pain killers..Last Saturday when I was with him, he was talking with his eyes closed, and I knew something was up..He came over my house Thursday afternoon, and confessed that he had been popping pills since May, and he was as desperate as a dead man walking on execution day..He couldnt sit still..He couldnt stop talking..He couldnt stop worrying about getting a bed at the detox that day..He couldnt stop beating himself up, and saying the same stuff over and over and over again..It was a real eye opener for me..The emotional insanity..I could never put myself through that again, and he sure did help me realize that..So I called the facility, arranged for a bed, got directions for the 45 minute ride to Southern R.I..My friend left to go home and pack a suitcase, and I told him I would meet him at his house as soon as I got my act together..Let me emphasize this:..God works in strange ways his wonders to perform..He writes straight with crooked lines..I got in my truck to head down to my friend's house..I turned on the radio, and this was the song playing on the radio "The animal I have become", by Three Days Grace

And the first words I heard were:..."I can't escape this hell"

Three Days Grace--Animal I Have Become (One-X) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT-f6HBny44)

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
So many times I've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

While I was listening to the lyrics of that song, the hair on the back of my neck mustve stood up..The fact that, that particular song was playing on the radio at that particular moment, was no cooincidence to me..That was a message from up above for me to hear..I havent been able to stop thinking about it, as I know my past, and my friend John's past as well..I remember the hell we went through for years that began in High School, like it was yesterday..And to see an instant replay of it drove home a powerful message for me..The path gets narrower as time passes..Stay the course

How was your week?

Hard Clams, or Little Neck Clams, or Quahogs as us Rhode Islander's call them

http://i33.tinypic.com/alqdcp.jpg

Steamer Clams

http://i38.tinypic.com/2zjb12r.jpg

[harley]

you have opened your arms and embraced a hurting soul
the hand you have extended knows the bitter toll
of the pain and hardship that your friend cannot see
it is his lesson now to learn in humility

those of us that suffer must open our eyes to find
purpose in offering our vision to others blind
the grace we are given has a need to be shared
and no person on earth should ever be spared

in times of anothers hardships, God definately knows
who is the right person needed to intervien and to show
the road he walks down has potholes you know very well
and the dead end sign at the end is sheer hell.

mdear, you have done all that you can do
it is he that now needs to think his life through.
the pain of withdrawel may or may not end
but he will always know the care of a true friend


i have lost many to addiction to painkillers. it is one of the hardest things to go through.

i woke up this morning with hope in my heart and a smile on my face. something not felt in a long time.... :)

rain is here and it is mushroom hunting season. i found many chantrells, and a big one that look like a brain.. (forgot what its called) cooked it up last night with cooking sherry and fresh rosemary... YUM

[stevem53]

you have opened your arms and embraced a hurting soul
the hand you have extended knows the bitter toll
of the pain and hardship that your friend cannot see
it is his lesson now to learn in humility

those of us that suffer must open our eyes to find
purpose in offering our vision to others blind
the grace we are given has a need to be shared
and no person on earth should ever be spared

in times of anothers hardships, God definately knows
who is the right person needed to intervien and to show
the road he walks down has potholes you know very well
and the dead end sign at the end is sheer hell.

mdear, you have done all that you can do
it is he that now needs to think his life through.
the pain of withdrawel may or may not end
but he will always know the care of a true friend


i have lost many to addiction to painkillers. it is one of the hardest things to go through.

i woke up this morning with hope in my heart and a smile on my face. something not felt in a long time.... :)

rain is here and it is mushroom hunting season. i found many chantrells, and a big one that look like a brain.. (forgot what its called) cooked it up last night with cooking sherry and fresh rosemary... YUM

Thank You my dear for the poetic wisdom that comes so natural to you :)

When I think of hope, the first thing that comes to mind are these clips from The Shawshank Redemption..

The things that we hold in our heart, and in the confines of our mind, that no person..no illness can take from us

"Git busy livin'..Or git busy dyin"

Red (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000151/): [narrating] I find I'm so excited, I can barely sit still or hold a thought in my head. I think it's the excitement only a free man can feel, a free man at the start of a long journey whose conclusion is uncertain. I hope I can make it across the border. I hope to see my friend, and shake his hand..(hug her)..I hope the Pacific is as blue as it has been in my dreams. I hope.

Shawshank redemption-Hope (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dz84B572nCc)

Cont...

Red Hopes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3asbzDzukzQ&feature=related)

[Evonne]

Hi Everyone!..My God, how time flies!..The nights and mornings are getting cooler, and the days shorter..I got my first oil bill this week, since my last one in April..It wasnt pretty, but it was less that I thought it would be

Still making preperations to go out west to meet Harley, and go to the Hope Conference..I have a friend that has a kennel so I could board my diabetic cat..$9.00 per day, plus $1.00 per day for shots..I provide the insulin, syringes, and cat food..The animal hospital up the street wanted $40.00 per day..Laura told me that I could bring he with me if I wanted, but I figured maybe it would be better to board her..The price was right..So now I have to get in touch with a buddy of mine who has a limousine service, to arrange a ride to Logan Airport in Boston so I can get a direct flight to Seattle, get the plane tix, and Im outa here!..For someone who is afraid to get on a plane, Im very excited!

I had to take my friend who Ive been going out clamming with to detox on Thursday..I had been very instrumental in helping him get sober 15 years ago..He relapsed on pain killers..Last Saturday when I was with him, he was talking with his eyes closed, and I knew something was up..He came over my house Thursday afternoon, and confessed that he had been popping pills since May, and he was as desperate as a dead man walking on execution day..He couldnt sit still..He couldnt stop talking..He couldnt stop worrying about getting a bed at the detox that day..He couldnt stop beating himself up, and saying the same stuff over and over and over again..It was a real eye opener for me..The emotional insanity..I could never put myself through that again, and he sure did help me realize that..So I called the facility, arranged for a bed, got directions for the 45 minute ride to Southern R.I..My friend left to go home and pack a suitcase, and I told him I would meet him at his house as soon as I got my act together..Let me emphasize this:..God works in strange ways his wonders to perform..He writes straight with crooked lines..I got in my truck to head down to my friend's house..I turned on the radio, and this was the song playing on the radio "The animal I have become", by Three Days Grace

And the first words I heard were:..."I can't escape this hell"

Three Days Grace--Animal I Have Become (One-X) (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iT-f6HBny44)

I can't escape this hell
So many times I've tried
But I'm still caged inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal, this animal)

I can't escape myself
So many times I've lied
But there's still rage inside
Somebody get me through this nightmare
I can't control myself

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal

Somebody help me through this nightmare
I can't control myself
Somebody wake me from this nightmare
I can't escape this hell

(This animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal, this animal)

So what if you can see the darkest side of me?
No one will ever change this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal I have become
Help me believe it's not the real me
Somebody help me tame this animal
(This animal I have become)

While I was listening to the lyrics of that song, the hair on the back of my neck mustve stood up..The fact that, that particular song was playing on the radio at that particular moment, was no cooincidence to me..That was a message from up above for me to hear..I havent been able to stop thinking about it, as I know my past, and my friend John's past as well..I remember the hell we went through for years that began in High School, like it was yesterday..And to see an instant replay of it drove home a powerful message for me..The path gets narrower as time passes..Stay the course

How was your week?

Hard Clams, or Little Neck Clams, or Quahogs as us Rhode Islander's call them

http://i33.tinypic.com/alqdcp.jpg

Steamer Clams

http://i38.tinypic.com/2zjb12r.jpg

Steve,

I am so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through. I can't imagine what it must be like for him to have been sober for fifteen years and all it took was one bad decision. Now, because of that ONE decision he has to go through the fight of his life all over again. I will keep you both in my prayers. I haven't battled a serious addiction in my life but my dad is a big time alcoholic and my cousins 21 year old son is in rehab as I type this. It is truly heartbreaking.

I heard a song this last week that really touched me as well. Here are the lyrics.

"Broken" by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_4Qs0pGjHk

When I first heard this song I couldn't help but be moved. Ever since this whole PD thing cropped up I have felt like I am always trying to beat the clock. I previously thought that I had all the time in the world to do the things that I wanted to do...now I have my doubts. As positive as I TRY to be these thoughts still remain in the back of my head. Thoughts like this...Should I really spend four years in nursing school? Will I be able to function well enough to be a nurse in four years or would it be a complete waste of time? Would it be better to just work as a Nursing Assistant as long as I can and just enjoy the time I have with my children while they are still young. I really have missed them a lot since I have been working. I come home at night to a dead quiet house when my boys are both already tucked into bed. I go into their rooms and quietly kiss the tops of each of thier heads and I wish that things were different. I wish that I wasn't always trying to beat the clock. Geez...just when I think that I have accepted all this I wind up feeling like a downer AGAIN!

Well, the good news is that I have an interview for a CNA position at a hospital near my house. I would be taking care of people right out of surgery. I think that would be a lot better for me in many ways. I would be taking care of people that have just been given a fresh start...much more optimistic than what I am doing right now. Plus, this job is part-time and I would be home with my kids more. It also offers better pay and better benefits. I feel like God is already lining this up for me...and that is good. My one concern was that I hadn't taken the state certification test yet...and BEHOLD, my test date has just been scheduled for three days after the interview! That should work out perfectly.

Well, I better get a move on. Have a great week!

[stevem53]

Steve,

I am so sorry to hear about what your friend is going through. I can't imagine what it must be like for him to have been sober for fifteen years and all it took was one bad decision. Now, because of that ONE decision he has to go through the fight of his life all over again. I will keep you both in my prayers. I haven't battled a serious addiction in my life but my dad is a big time alcoholic and my cousins 21 year old son is in rehab as I type this. It is truly heartbreaking.

I heard a song this last week that really touched me as well. Here are the lyrics.

"Broken" by Lifehouse

The broken clock is a comfort, it helps me sleep tonight
Maybe it can stop tomorrow from stealing all my time
I am here still waiting though i still have my doubts
I am damaged at best, like you've already figured out

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
With a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain, there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on, I'm holdin' on
I'm barely holdin' on to you

The broken locks were a warning you got inside my head
I tried my best to be guarded, I'm an open book instead
I still see your reflection inside of my eyes
That are looking for a purpose, they're still looking for life

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain (in the pain), is there healing
In your name (in your name) I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin')
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm hangin' on another day
Just to see what you throw my way
And I'm hanging on to the words you say
You said that I will be OK

The broken lights on the freeway left me here alone
I may have lost my way now, haven't forgotten my way home

I'm falling apart, I'm barely breathing
with a broken heart that's still beating
In the pain(In the pain) there is healing
In your name I find meaning
So I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'), I'm holdin' on (I'm still holdin'),
I'm barely holdin' on to you

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=T_4Qs0pGjHk

When I first heard this song I couldn't help but be moved. Ever since this whole PD thing cropped up I have felt like I am always trying to beat the clock. I previously thought that I had all the time in the world to do the things that I wanted to do...now I have my doubts. As positive as I TRY to be these thoughts still remain in the back of my head. Thoughts like this...Should I really spend four years in nursing school? Will I be able to function well enough to be a nurse in four years or would it be a complete waste of time? Would it be better to just work as a Nursing Assistant as long as I can and just enjoy the time I have with my children while they are still young. I really have missed them a lot since I have been working. I come home at night to a dead quiet house when my boys are both already tucked into bed. I go into their rooms and quietly kiss the tops of each of thier heads and I wish that things were different. I wish that I wasn't always trying to beat the clock. Geez...just when I think that I have accepted all this I wind up feeling like a downer AGAIN!

Well, the good news is that I have an interview for a CNA position at a hospital near my house. I would be taking care of people right out of surgery. I think that would be a lot better for me in many ways. I would be taking care of people that have just been given a fresh start...much more optimistic than what I am doing right now. Plus, this job is part-time and I would be home with my kids more. It also offers better pay and better benefits. I feel like God is already lining this up for me...and that is good. My one concern was that I hadn't taken the state certification test yet...and BEHOLD, my test date has just been scheduled for three days after the interview! That should work out perfectly.

Well, I better get a move on. Have a great week!

Thank You for your thoughts and prayers..I hope my friend can get back on track..He did work very hard for a very long time, and I find it hard to believe that this has really happened..He has help many people during that 15 years to find their peace, as well as inspire many others, especially those of us who know him best..I hope your dad and your cousin's son one day find their moment of truth

Pd sure can upset the apple cart..But life does go on as we find acceptance of our situation..Dont allow pd to stop you from dreaming your dreams, and dont lose sight of hope..And remember that, when one door closes, another one opens

[maryfrances]

Hi Everyone,

It was nice to see many of you at the conference in Atlanta.
That's what I go for ... to see and talk to many of you.
I don't care about the sessions, etc.

I'm divorced now and living in Pensacola, FL.

I guess life will always be hard.

[harley]

mary,

life can seem very dark.. but hang in there.. im going through a divorce too, yet i have been blessed in so many ways. people are there to help. you will discover things about who YOU are, and what YOU can do. i believe God gives us time to find ourselves through trials.

and, there are decent men out there.. believe me.. i know... :).


keep strong girl.

[Evonne]

Thank You for your thoughts and prayers..I hope my friend can get back on track..He did work very hard for a very long time, and I find it hard to believe that this has really happened..He has help many people during that 15 years to find their peace, as well as inspire many others, especially those of us who know him best..I hope your dad and your cousin's son one day find their moment of truth

Pd sure can upset the apple cart..But life does go on as we find acceptance of our situation..Dont allow pd to stop you from dreaming your dreams, and dont lose sight of hope..And remember that, when one door closes, another one opens

Steve,

When you say that life does go on as we find acceptance of our situation, I want to know HOW to really accept it. I reach this point where I think I have accepted it, then something new crops up with me. It sends me into this whirlwind of doubt and uncertainty and frustration with God and with myself. I have always had a very deep faith even as a small child. I have had a lot of things happen in my life that have been difficult to deal with but I have managed to accept them and move forward and just trust God. This time things are different. I am sad and angry...not a good combination. Yesterday a friend that I have been friends with for fifteen+ years called me. We started talking about my faith and I completely broke down. She asked if I had been going to church regularly. I told her that I hadn't been going. I told her about all of my feelings and how I just feel that I don't belong there right now. She said that maybe God was trying to get my attention with all of this health stuff. I told her that I didn't think God worked that way and that if he did, I didn't need that kind of God in my life...followed by an expletive! :mad: She asked me if I believed that God could heal me. I told her that I would like to think so, but that there are so many sick and hurting people in the world and people dying of diseases that can't be cured. I question the ability of God to heal because if that were the case...why is there so much suffering and sickness everywhere??? Yeah...I'm a little bitter. She went on to tell me to focus on the positive and that she would be praying for me and that I should keep my eyes open to God working in my life. The spiritual side of me wanted that to be true...to see God working in my life. The negative part of me thought, "Yeah, right...you just don't get it!."

Well, yesterday shortly after that conversation I went out with my sister to run some errands. I wasn't planning on going to Costco, but we happened to stop there. Lo and Behold...I ran into my Pastor's wife!:eek: I felt so compelled to go and talk to her...so I did. I explained my situation and asked her about a group at church that I had heard about that focuses on people with chronic health conditions. As we were talking my Pastor walked up. Again, I explained my situation. Mainly, I explained the same thing that I wrote up in the first paragraph of this post regarding acceptance. They were both so wonderful and encouraging. At one point I began to cry because I really couldn't believe that God had brought me together with them yesterday. He knew how much I was hurting and how much I needed some reassurance that he is good and capable of miracles. Long story short, we all stood together in the front of Costco and prayed together. They had me write my number down and invited me to come find them at church on Sunday. Um, yeah...I'll be there. God got my attention this time.

For those who aren't spiritual...my goal was not to offend you with this post. My goal was to give people who are like me, lacking in their faith because of unfortunate circumstances, a little boost in their faith.

With Love,

Evonne

[rosebud]

A lot of us are becoming old war horses. This weekly checkin thread has new life....hmmm.

Harley, you poetry is beautiful and sensitive. I hope you and Steve have a great visit, and although It looks like I will have to make the journey alone (I was hoping to bring Max19BC with me, he has other committments) I'm going to do my best to make it to the conference in Seattle.

Steve: I am so looking forward to seeing you again. Harley is right...there are still good men out there, and you are one of them.

Love you all...J

[stevem53]

Steve,

When you say that life does go on as we find acceptance of our situation, I want to know HOW to really accept it. I reach this point where I think I have accepted it, then something new crops up with me. It sends me into this whirlwind of doubt and uncertainty and frustration with God and with myself. I have always had a very deep faith even as a small child. I have had a lot of things happen in my life that have been difficult to deal with but I have managed to accept them and move forward and just trust God. This time things are different. I am sad and angry...not a good combination. Yesterday a friend that I have been friends with for fifteen+ years called me. We started talking about my faith and I completely broke down. She asked if I had been going to church regularly. I told her that I hadn't been going. I told her about all of my feelings and how I just feel that I don't belong there right now. She said that maybe God was trying to get my attention with all of this health stuff. I told her that I didn't think God worked that way and that if he did, I didn't need that kind of God in my life...followed by an expletive! :mad: She asked me if I believed that God could heal me. I told her that I would like to think so, but that there are so many sick and hurting people in the world and people dying of diseases that can't be cured. I question the ability of God to heal because if that were the case...why is there so much suffering and sickness everywhere??? Yeah...I'm a little bitter. She went on to tell me to focus on the positive and that she would be praying for me and that I should keep my eyes open to God working in my life. The spiritual side of me wanted that to be true...to see God working in my life. The negative part of me thought, "Yeah, right...you just don't get it!."

Well, yesterday shortly after that conversation I went out with my sister to run some errands. I wasn't planning on going to Costco, but we happened to stop there. Lo and Behold...I ran into my Pastor's wife!:eek: I felt so compelled to go and talk to her...so I did. I explained my situation and asked her about a group at church that I had heard about that focuses on people with chronic health conditions. As we were talking my Pastor walked up. Again, I explained my situation. Mainly, I explained the same thing that I wrote up in the first paragraph of this post regarding acceptance. They were both so wonderful and encouraging. At one point I began to cry because I really couldn't believe that God had brought me together with them yesterday. He knew how much I was hurting and how much I needed some reassurance that he is good and capable of miracles. Long story short, we all stood together in the front of Costco and prayed together. They had me write my number down and invited me to come find them at church on Sunday. Um, yeah...I'll be there. God got my attention this time.

For those who aren't spiritual...my goal was not to offend you with this post. My goal was to give people who are like me, lacking in their faith because of unfortunate circumstances, a little boost in their faith.

With Love,

Evonne

Evonne..I completely understand how you feel..We have all been there, and it still comes up for review on occasion..I got sober in AA almost 19 years ago on Oct 30, 1989..My live went through a profound transformation..Basically, I came out of the darkness and into the light..My belief developed into faith..Life got good..My thinking and my behaviors changed for the better..I reached out to other alcoholics and drug addicts, and helped a few find this unmerited gift of sobriety and life..Then on May 14, 2004 I found out I had Parkinsons Disease..I was taken aback, and scared..and yes..I was angry at God..I felt like it was just another chapter written in my book of failures, penance, punishments, and business as usual, that had been the story of my life..The payoff, but this time for trying to align my will with God's, instead of going against the grain of His will..How #@$%&@* dare He do this to me!!!!..That was my first thought..My second thought was...

It may be one of the most referenced passages in recovery literature. It's from Page 449 of Alcoholics Anonymous or The Big Book (http://alcoholism.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.recovery.org/aa/bigbook/ww/index.html) as it is widely known:
And acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing or situation -- some fact of my life -- unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment.

Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in God's world by mistake. Until I could accept my alcoholism, I could not stay sober; unless I accept life completely on life's terms, I cannot be happy. I need to concentrate not so much on what needs to be changed in the world as on what needs to be changed in me and in my attitudes.


That is the very basic principle that sums up the 12 Steps of the AA program..It is the code that I live by to thrive and prosper..When I apply it to my life, I find hope..What happened as a result of applying it to my Parkinsons is..I no longer dwell on what pd has taken from me..I am grateful for what it has given me

Sure it has taken from me..It has weakened me..It had brought disability..I have been a commercial fisherman for 33 years..I love my profession..It was my calling, and pd took it away..I had a 47' wooden fishing trawler, that I had completely rebuilt in 2003-2004..I spent over $30,000 on it, and in Nov of 2006, I sold it for $10,000, because I couldnt take care of it anymore..I couldnt paint the 8 gallons of paint on it that it required every spring anymore..I couldnt deal with tending her during winter storms anymore, walking down icy docks in the middle of the night..And I didnt have the strength or the stamina to fish 12-14 hour days anymore..Being a long time fisherman, I was part of a brotherhood of our fishing community in Rhode Island..I was a fisheries advocate..I took the State and the Fed's almost all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court for violating our Constitutional Rights, and that battle wages on today, as we speak, only without me..Pd took that from me

Pd brought more changes than I could keep up with for a couple of years..SSDI..Financial hardship..getting medicated..change of Drs..fear..Uncertainty

I found this forum in Dec of 2004, and I began posting here..and the people here, through their advise and collective shared experiences, gave me hope..I read about how thier lives went on after pd..They shared their joys, and their sadness..their victories and their defeats..their wisdom and their doubts..their knowledge and their integrity..their understanding and their compassion..their honesty and themseves..their hope and their strengths..their fears and their courage..and their fortitude to dare dream their dreams..and I began to realize that pd was part of a new journey through life, that opened a new chapter to self discovery..compassion, and deeper understanding..Personal and spiritual growth..and a new found wisdom, perspective, and appreciation for life..I made solid friendships here..Real friendships..I have met 12 of the folks who post here during the past two years..I got to met Lonnie Ali last Feb..I got involved in Pd advocacy..I was a PAN Rep for two years..I am a board member of our local chapter of the APDA..I served on the website committee, and on the annual walk committee..I am a member of two local support groups, and treasurer of one of them..As an aqaintance of a fellow board member who happens to be a Professor at URI, I was invited to a class of 6th graders, and a school for poor inner city kids, many of them minorities who live in a state with thousands of miles of coastline, but have never been to the beach, to give a lecture on my life as a fisherman, and share with those kids how fish are caught commercially..The noble job of posting the Weekly Check In thread has been passed down from parkie to parkie for years, and my dear friend Jaye passed it down to me, and I have grown tremedously because of it

And most of all, Harley and I have struck up quite the friendship, and as most of you have probably already figured out, it has developed into more than a friendship, and on the 23rd of this month, I am gonna fly across the country to meet her..And I am more excited than I can put into words!! :) :D ;)..I am going to stay for a couple of weeks and we are going to the Hope Conference on Nov 1st..So I have had pd now for about 6 years since my first symptom..It has taken alot from me..But it hasnt taken my ability to experience excitement..It hasnt left me devoid of hope..It hasnt taken away my right to dream my wildest dream..It hasnt taken away my ability to love and be loved..It has restored a deeped faith, and it has given me the ability to accept life on its own tems, and not as I would have it..Harley and I would have never met without this disease that brought us together out here in cyberspace..Pd will allow us to touch the lives of many, as they will touch ours

Evonne..It is ok to feel the way you feel..Acceptance is a process that begins with many mixed emotions, and it will come to you in time through the experiences of your journey..It is always a joy to read what you contribute to this thread as often as you do, in terms of your courage, and openess to share your journey with us

When one door closes, another one opens

[stevem53]

A lot of us are becoming old war horses. This weekly checkin thread has new life....hmmm.

Harley, you poetry is beautiful and sensitive. I hope you and Steve have a great visit, and although It looks like I will have to make the journey alone (I was hoping to bring Max19BC with me, he has other committments) I'm going to do my best to make it to the conference in Seattle.

Steve: I am so looking forward to seeing you again. Harley is right...there are still good men out there, and you are one of them.

Love you all...J

Well Thank You!..Same to you!..It will be good to see you again too!..So..you better make it over there!..Thats, an...uhhhh..order!! :D Thats right..I might have pd...but Im still the Capt :Bow:

I booked my flight today

[Evonne]

Evonne..I completely understand how you feel..We have all been there, and it still comes up for review on occasion..I got sober in AA almost 19 years ago on Oct 30, 1989..My live went through a profound transformation..Basically, I came out of the darkness and into the light..My belief developed into faith..Life got good..My thinking and my behaviors changed for the better..I reached out to other alcoholics and drug addicts, and helped a few find this unmerited gift of sobriety and life..Then on May 14, 2004 I found out I had Parkinsons Disease..I was taken aback, and scared..and yes..I was angry at God..I felt like it was just another chapter written in my book of failures, penance, punishments, and business as usual, that had been the story of my life..The payoff, but this time for trying to align my will with God's, instead of going against the grain of His will..How #@$%&@* dare He do this to me!!!!..That was my first thought..My second thought was...



That is the very basic principle that sums up the 12 Steps of the AA program..It is the code that I live by to thrive and prosper..When I apply it to my life, I find hope..What happened as a result of applying it to my Parkinsons is..I no longer dwell on what pd has taken from me..I am grateful for what it has given me

Sure it has taken from me..It has weakened me..It had brought disability..I have been a commercial fisherman for 33 years..I love my profession..It was my calling, and pd took it away..I had a 47' wooden fishing trawler, that I had completely rebuilt in 2003-2004..I spent over $30,000 on it, and in Nov of 2006, I sold it for $10,000, because I couldnt take care of it anymore..I couldnt paint the 8 gallons of paint on it that it required every spring anymore..I couldnt deal with tending her during winter storms anymore, walking down icy docks in the middle of the night..And I didnt have the strength or the stamina to fish 12-14 hour days anymore..Being a long time fisherman, I was part of a brotherhood of our fishing community in Rhode Island..I was a fisheries advocate..I took the State and the Fed's almost all the way to the U.S. Supreme Court for violating our Constitutional Rights, and that battle wages on today, as we speak, only without me..Pd took that from me

Pd brought more changes than I could keep up with for a couple of years..SSDI..Financial hardship..getting medicated..change of Drs..fear..Uncertainty

I found this forum in Dec of 2004, and I began posting here..and the people here, through their advise and collective shared experiences, gave me hope..I read about how thier lives went on after pd..They shared their joys, and their sadness..their victories and their defeats..their wisdom and their doubts..their knowledge and their integrity..their understanding and their compassion..their honesty and themseves..their hope and their strengths..their fears and their courage..and their fortitude to dare dream their dreams..and I began to realize that pd was part of a new journey through life, that opened a new chapter to self discovery..compassion, and deeper understanding..Personal and spiritual growth..and a new found wisdom, perspective, and appreciation for life..I made solid friendships here..Real friendships..I have met 12 of the folks who post here during the past two years..I got to met Lonnie Ali last Feb..I got involved in Pd advocacy..I was a PAN Rep for two years..I am a board member of our local chapter of the APDA..I served on the website committee, and on the annual walk committee..I am a member of two local support groups, and treasurer of one of them..As an aqaintance of a fellow board member who happens to be a Professor at URI, I was invited to a class of 6th graders, and a school for poor inner city kids, many of them minorities who live in a state with thousands of miles of coastline, but have never been to the beach, to give a lecture on my life as a fisherman, and share with those kids how fish are caught commercially..The noble job of posting the Weekly Check In thread has been passed down from parkie to parkie for years, and my dear friend Jaye passed it down to me, and I have grown tremedously because of it

And most of all, Harley and I have struck up quite the friendship, and as most of you have probably already figured out, it has developed into more than a friendship, and on the 23rd of this month, I am gonna fly across the country to meet her..And I am more excited than I can put into words!! :) :D ;)..I am going to stay for a couple of weeks and we are going to the Hope Conference on Nov 1st..So I have had pd now for about 6 years since my first symptom..It has taken alot from me..But it hasnt taken my ability to experience excitement..It hasnt left me devoid of hope..It hasnt taken away my right to dream my wildest dream..It hasnt taken away my ability to love and be loved..It has restored a deeped faith, and it has given me the ability to accept life on its own tems, and not as I would have it..Harley and I would have never met without this disease that brought us together out here in cyberspace..Pd will allow us to touch the lives of many, as they will touch ours

Evonne..It is ok to feel the way you feel..Acceptance is a process that begins with many mixed emotions, and it will come to you in time through the experiences of your journey..It is always a joy to read what you contribute to this thread as often as you do, in terms of your courage, and openess to share your journey with us

When one door closes, another one opens


Steve,

As I read what you wrote the tears began streaming down my face. You have been through a lot and your story is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story with me and for understanding right where I am at this very moment in time. I have also found this forum to be a great source of support and I truly value that. If you were to ask my hubby he would say that I am addicted to the internet...and probably blame the Mirapex!!! I have been turning to you guys more than I have been turning to him...but you guys understand EXACTLY what it is like because you have been where I am. Don't get me wrong, my hubby is a GEM and I let him know it. I share my feelings with him as well, but he just wants to fix this...and he can't. I just need him to learn to listen, and not try to fix this. I need him to try and understand the sense of urgency about life that I feel. Our 15th Anniversary is on October 9th. We have weathered some storms together and we are sure to weather some more. I am grateful to have him along side as I travel down this road in my life.

I applaud your sobriety, that takes a lot of courage. Many people lack the courage and strength to do what you have done. You are a strong man!

I hope that you and Harley have a wonderful time together. Enjoy the conference!

Love,

Evonne

[harley]

Steve,

As I read what you wrote the tears began streaming down my face. You have been through a lot and your story is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story with me and for understanding right where I am at this very moment in time. I have also found this forum to be a great source of support and I truly value that. If you were to ask my hubby he would say that I am addicted to the internet...and probably blame the Mirapex!!! I have been turning to you guys more than I have been turning to him...but you guys understand EXACTLY what it is like because you have been where I am. Don't get me wrong, my hubby is a GEM and I let him know it. I share my feelings with him as well, but he just wants to fix this...and he can't. I just need him to learn to listen, and not try to fix this. I need him to try and understand the sense of urgency about life that I feel. Our 15th Anniversary is on October 9th. We have weathered some storms together and we are sure to weather some more. I am grateful to have him along side as I travel down this road in my life.

I applaud your sobriety, that takes a lot of courage. Many people lack the courage and strength to do what you have done. You are a strong man!

I hope that you and Harley have a wonderful time together. Enjoy the conference!

Love,

Evonne

you dont live too far, you should try to make it to the conference... here's something for you and your hubby..

My Needs

My days are full of uncertainty and tribulation.
As my companion,
your desire to make life easier for me
is a pillow for my aching body
and a lift to my spirit.
The tireless chivlary you carry
shows wear neath your brow.
Our lives can no longer guess
which course is necessary to take.
When reality calls for the truth,
you look to me and ask
what my needs are.
There is no guideline
informing me of what lies ahead.
The questions you ask echo through my mind
and bounce off walls of perception.
My independancy is a test of my faith.
This is a game I am forced to play.
The rules change continuously,
and are often misleading.
Do not try so hard to understand.
Knowing what the answer is
doesn’t matter
and wont change a thing.
Today
Hold my hand and look into my eyes.
Enjoy the good moments
I ask for nothing more.
God will provide.
He knows my needs.

©Laura J Dean


ps/// yep.. the captain and i are "hooking" up.. pardon the pun

[stevem53]

Steve,

As I read what you wrote the tears began streaming down my face. You have been through a lot and your story is very inspiring. Thank you for sharing your story with me and for understanding right where I am at this very moment in time. I have also found this forum to be a great source of support and I truly value that.

Thank You!..This forum is the greatest, and you will find as you get to know folks here, and maybe even have the opportunity to meet some of us, the healing process will get on the fast track

I would suggest you try, if you can, to make it to the Hope Conference, and bring your husband with you..Harley and I will be there, Jean B, Rosebud, and I think Indigogo aka Carey, probaby a few others..Just a thought

If you were to ask my hubby he would say that I am addicted to the internet...and probably blame the Mirapex!!! I have been turning to you guys more than I have been turning to him...but you guys understand EXACTLY what it is like because you have been where I am. Don't get me wrong, my hubby is a GEM and I let him know it. I share my feelings with him as well, but he just wants to fix this...and he can't. I just need him to learn to listen, and not try to fix this. I need him to try and understand the sense of urgency about life that I feel. Our 15th Anniversary is on October 9th. We have weathered some storms together and we are sure to weather some more. I am grateful to have him along side as I travel down this road in my life.

I can understand that your husband wants to "fix" you..Of course he would..I think that is a natural instinct..He will go through a healing period as well, and I suspect that when you begin to heal and accept, he will too..In my travels to support groups, it has always been an inspiration to witness the unconditional love and support that is given by some of the care partners..Sometimes we seperate into two groups..parkies and carepartners..Sometimes the carepartners need to talk amongst themselves to vent, and/or share their concerns, whatever the case may be

I applaud your sobriety, that takes a lot of courage. Many people lack the courage and strength to do what you have done. You are a strong man!

Thank You!..I could not do it without the help of other people..Parkinsons is the same..We never have to be alone

I hope that you and Harley have a wonderful time together. Enjoy the conference!

Love,

Evonne

We will