moving... exhaustion... loss... everything

[waves]

oh me... just woke up... coffee here. slept sorta on and off between bitten by skeeters and feelin cold. now get ready for another haul over to my parents'. btw, if i drop off scene for the weekend that's where i am.

yesterday i grueled through my laptop registry to track down some spyware residue until my brain cells complained so much my hair wanted to fall out.

at that point it was tardy enough in the day that i really HAD to pack more. with horizontal back restings, and crying breakdowns. plus fear they wouldn't fix the elevator in timedad called about their berserk computer which i had said to leave OFF but noooooo, mister wise guy there... so he got yelled at. Btw, i'm an ex-software engineer. EX. no software now, never did do hardware, ok - some drives and mem installs... so now, i got two sick 'puters to fix, theirs i don't yet know if h/w or s/w. i have neither time now, nor the spirit, let alone when ppl don't cooperate with the tech's (my) instructions!

So I'd had it. Unplugged phone, muted cell and screw the world, no agents no parents, no salespeople nobody, oh.. friends? what's that. who cares get outta my hair... and let me sink in my own pot of * without stirring me in further.

luckily i had more than a carload ready last week or this week would not have enough. the last thing i did were my plush toys. i choke as i type that. i dustbusted them first and sobbed throughout. Somehow boxing plush toys literally "hits home." :(

i have been/am so exhausted. mentally, physically, spiritually, everythingly. grieving ... but beyond. also anorexic. 600 calories? if only. i do eat something once a day, and no junk. lots of juice and milk too, as those go down. i know this is making me weak - i feel it - but i can't help it.

well, that was more than you bargained for perhaps :( sigh. i have nobody to tell in quite so many words i guess that's why.

Bizi thanks for asking. :o you are really sweet. i have been feeling a bit shy to post about me much. hugs ~ waves ~

~

[moose53]

Hi, ((((((Waves)))))) :WAVES: :D

Just wanted to let you know that somebody read this.

Re: your stuffed buddies. I saw something on one of those TV decorating/space organization shows that *I* think is a fantastic idea -- take pictures of them :cool:

You might not have the physical space right now -- but I'll bet you a million, you have room for a special picture.

I go through spells where I'm so tired that I can't eat (that's the fibromyalgia kicking me in the @$$). What I do it heat up two cups of water and a package of ramen noodles in the microwave. Sometimes I add fresh veggies. I have a low-wattage microwave, so I "cook" 'em for 5 minutes. It's just satisfying -- something about the noodles. Then I slice up an apple and spread some peanut butter. And lastly -- and most importantly -- chocolate milk. Doesn't sit heavy on your stomach, but fills you right up.

You gotta take care of yourself. Drink tea out of china cups. Buy yourself some flowers or pick some along the edge of the woods, Shut the TV off and listen to some nice light jazz or 50s/60s oldies (that was *BEST*). Go sit out on the steps or the porch at night and drink some tea or hot chocolate and just look at the stars and the moon and think about how amazing it is that we're all here :p

http://smileys.smileycentral.com/cat/11/11_2_104.gif

BIG HUGS. Don't stay up too late.

Barb

[waves]

oh thanks Barb!!!

saw it.... nice to be read...

:) thank you... hugs ~ waves

[bizi]

Dear Waves,
Moving does suck.
Having to change your environment is one of the hardest adjustment times ..IMO.
Perhaps you could just think of this as temporary?
Just one more chapter...a stepping stone so to speak.
Not only is the move physically hard on you the emotional aspect that we can place on our things...memories...it is all very hard to do.
So I am proud that you are taking it bit by bit...
Hang in there...
take a hot bath to soothe your tired muscles and wrap the warmth of the water around yourself and feel the healing power of water.
take care of yourself my friend.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[waves]

i love the warm bath suggestion... even have lots of nice scented bubble baths... but no tub. only a shower stall.

years ago when i moved here from the US, i saw staying with my parents as temporary - a stepping stone. for 3 years my life would be on hold it sucked but i expected it. during which however 9/11 the world fell apart and so did my plan of returning to the US. i had a countdown in Excel - to give you an idea what that meant to me. age and situation has changed that option.

it is hard to think of this as temporary, this time. instead, i think more of my few years in this apartment as a temporary reprieve, a period of denial of a sad and failing life.

well, anyway. my dad makes great vegetable soups and their bathroom has a tub. :o

hugs ~ waves ~

[waves]

i used to love ramen noodles. i think part of my problem is the opening of the gut. or should i say the closing.

that and a general repulsion for food, unless i'm really hungry, and even then it's touch and go. i thought it was all nerves but i gained so much on Zyprexa last year but lost a good bit by dieting (and it was HARD). This spring I put it all back on, plus some, when i got depressed real bad.

my ex jokingly called me fat. this was 2 nights ago, in spite of 12 pounds that have melted off in less than a month. it stuck with me for days. so i think besides the tense/depressive anorexia, i think i have some body image issues... heck i have overall image issues... heck identity issues... sigh... i have somethin or other andthensome issues dang it! (thank goodness i have tissues! :rolleyes: )

best omit what my thoughts are when i sit on the balcony at night. :(

but i looooooooooooooove the picture idea. they are all boxed now... but i can still do that after i move.

thanks for all your thoughtful suggestions - and for replying to me earlier... you made the trip a bit "softer" for me.

hugs ~ waves ~

[Nikko]

Oh, I hear you loud and clear.....moving is the pits!!!! Yet, once you are in your new place, it's a feeling of relief, you can take you time unpacking.

Fatigue comes with depression, at least for me. Grieving is something we go through and it's so hard, only time seems to help that, so they say, whomever they are.

Friends, well I don't have many here, I wish I could go back East for just a few days, but with my dogs and my mom, I wouldn't feel comfortable leaving them. There is nobody here if my mom takes ill.

I guess that all adds up to Lonliness, which I seem to throw myself into magazines, or trying to concentrate on a book. Watch TV - clean - go to my appt's. and try and sleep, take care of my pets.;)

It all sounds so easy to do, but I know it isn't, and what you are going through isn't easy, but you will get thru it, because you are strong.

It's amazing what we can do, because we just do, nerves and all, I've amazed myself with a year long illness of my mom's and dealing with that and now this crap with my husband. It does take a lot of us, but as long as we take time for ourselves, to let our emotions flow, and let our feelings out, it somehow makes it work.

Anyway, hang in there, stay strong......Hugs, Nikko

[waves]

... only more loss. i have lost my boyfriend, and about to lose my space, my privacy, my creative supplies, my own toothpaste... my silence.

i am not moving to a 'new' place. i am 'moving' BACK into my parents' living room. they have a small place. I will have my clothes, plants, CDs, a few utility items and VERRY VERRRRY few small "memento" things upstairs. (these are not even being packed - just brought over.)

the rest. everything. what is packed is packed indefinitely. every every every single thing. all the books. puzzles. plush toys. mementos. decorations. photos. musical/recording equipment. painting/drawing supplies. craft supplies. pictures (wall). Past college papers. in the garage. in boxes. NO unpacking. boxes. They will live there. period.

oh, and if the garage sounds not far... it is not like, next door. 5 floors down and a ways across a subterranean parking lot.

BUT... I DO thank you for the vote of strength. and yes, thinking of all you have been through... you are an inspiration to me. i will try to follow your example. ;)

hugs ~ waves

[Isis]

Hi,
Writing to say just that.
Tooth extraction happened Friday. Hurts.
Want to say I am there to share your pain.
Love

[waves]

hi.

thank you for writing.

i'm sorry about the extraction - had a real nasty one myself once, with an evil dentist... ugh. so sorry. hope you feel better soon.

hugs

~ waves ~ hoping we both can manage to eat more soon.

[waves]

so today i managed vegs and rice, and what a relief not to feel "put off" by food. later i had a slice of cheese. that's it for the day, apart from juice. tomorrow i will try for a bit more.

but two boxes of books plus indexing seems so little for one day. :o tomorrow i have to start something else, but what. overwhelmed. so much left. i must have THREE carloads ready this week, as it is the last saturday before hand over keys. 3 ppl (cars) will be helping. at my pace i don't know how i can make it. i need an up. and UP UP. and UPPPPP dangit! :eek: :confused: :(

last week i barely had a full load. i seem to do less and less and need more and more rest. help packing would be less efficient, more stressful and i know would rip me apart.

and it would take from me my last precious moments of solitude and silence.

[bizi]

any way to have one of those 3 ppl come over sooner to help you do some of the packing be a support for you...help focus and distract you...I would come if it weren't for that big blue ocean.....*rollseyes
bizi
edited to ask how to get the smiles graphics?

[waves]

any way to have one of those 3 ppl come over sooner to help you do some of the packing be a support for you...help focus and distract you...I would come if it weren't for that big blue ocean.....*rollseyesthat is such a kind thought. i wish i could do that... the support would be nice but i couldn't talk and pack at the same time. i feel the need to do my own packing... my stuff. also to suck up what last space, solitude and silence, yes, silence, i have here. i am even doing my packing at night - when it is really quiet. but being alone, i don't have to worry about waking anyone.

smilies - if you do the advanced edit, you get the smiley panel. otherwise the codes for the mnemonic icons are (omitting the spaces between the colons and the keywords) -
: eek :
: cool :
: confused :
: rolleyes :
: mad :

hugs, and thank you for your support. it's the thought that counts. and it counts a lot right now. ;)

[waves]

today i woke up with my back hurting so bad.... 3-4 vertebrae acute... the rest just painful... and all the little muscles attached to them screamed... and alllll the other muscles in my back...

i had trouble figuring out how to get up. i think i rolled. took gobs of ibuprofen and lorazepam and moved to the couch mattress (very flat, board underneath). 5 hours sleep later, i felt a bit better... took En this time (longer acting) and more ibuprofen. so, for today, the back is remaining erect, horizontal or vertical. no lifting of any sort. iit is my only hope that i can recover enough for tomorrow. my body has put its foot down. or back down. whatever.

oh, Bizi, you had asked before... my feet, by the way, are doing much better, improving all along. the trauma one did feel tender (tender! not pain or swollen!) after the last load - which was all heavy stuff, a lot of books, paper, linens.

well i am slouching now, no good. better go. just my stupid update. i know this pain is nothing to what ppl suffer with plates and screws... like Nikko and other ppl I've met in these forums. sigh. So i can consider myself lucky. :confused:

hugs ~ waves ~

[Isis]

Waves,
I do hope you are taking an acid suppressant with all that Ibrufen.
Trust me, or else there will be another major mess.
Do you need a Rx to get drugs there?
I will get back to you in a few moments.
Love

[Isis]

Back again.
Pantoprazole 40 really suits me. With my history of NSAIDS, I began to have a life only after I was prescribed this particular drug.
There are many others in this catagory.
Do check.

[waves]

Thanks Serengeti,

i am familiar with ibuprofen and NSAID-associated gastric disturbances. i also know ulcers can be asymptomatic so lack of pain does not imply lack of damage. I try to take it with food, esp if over 400mg. I use it exceptionally for muscle pain - this qualifies BIGGGG time.

I mostly use it for migraines (1 or 2 days) and, after over 20 years of that, i figure it won't kill me overnight. My exhaustion, weakness, anorexia, stress, grief, and what is now depression ("thoughts" and more) ... everything.... i can't take any more and i can't eliminate those things. The back PAINNNNNN I could address, so i did. And had I not, I would have been in bed, all day, and awake, in pain. As it was, I had to stay put almost all day - no use working muscles that you are trying to relax. common sense.

for the rest, when up and about, i have been exceedingly careful about erect posture. hopefully, between that, the ibuprofen, En, and Lorazepam, today, i may be able to avoid the ibuprofen tomorrow.

I do thank you for your thoughtfulness and info, and I will look into that other med you mentioned .......... later. ;) :o

hugs ~ waves ~

[Nikko]

I don't know what that pain med or is it a anti-inflammatory?

But, today my DR. said to take Prilosec along with my pain meds, it's not cheap though, but it's over the counter.

Plus any meds and stress can lead to an ucler as I was told today, so have to also take care of the tummy!!!

Feel better soon, I know that kind of pain, Neck/Back it's a killer and will stop you in your tracks. Lifting is the worse thing to do too.

Please be careful, get some help, don't pick up heavy things, you will pay later, believe me.

Take the med and get as much rest as you can. Plus ICE helps, well it does for me, some say moist heat or a heating pad, it all depends on the person.

Take care, talk to you soon, Hugs, Nikko;)

[bizi]

Dear Waves,
I htink I kwould plan on taking the advil tomorrow.
For the inflamation factors...helps decrease the swelling so it is a treatment.
Sleep well.
rest
eat
rest
eat some more.
(((HUGS))))
bizi

[waves]

it was good to have your feedback. pain does alter one's ideas of what to do sometimes. in effect, kinda incidentally :o i did exactly what you said.

last "night" i went to bed at 4am, minias (BZD - deeper/longer sleep), En (BZD anxiolytic), 600mg ibuprofen, and ketoprofen gel applied locally. All set up for 6-8 hours QUALITY sleep ... would not the phone tech have shown up unexpectedly at 8.30. So instead of resting I was in a daze and forgot to take any meds until about 1pm today...

at which point made some expired :eek: ravioli - ate enough to bury another 600 mg ibuprofen in it. ugh. add anorexia, result: super-icko-full. lay down for 10 mins "back soother" ... passed out till 7 pm. hence pain and another 600mg with (less) food. at that point i remembered my "morning meds" great huh. oh i'm doing well.

and now ....................all i want is to lay down again. So i am having some coffee and hoping to pack a little first. Logic for you there.

maybe better to listen to the body and follow its instructions - to rest - instead of the world-driven ones. stop the world i want to get off.

sigh. moodwise ... bad. i just don't want to exist. what can i say. i will just pretend until i can't pretend. i am sick of being sick and being seen as sick and treated with estrangement or pity. if i get sicker pretending, maybe finally this will be it. i see pdoc in 2 days but i don't feel he "hears" me lately, like we are not aligned. :( i have tried to talk to a couple other friends and still don't feel "heard." Not available, not listening, or just unable to hear.

speaking of talking/issues i've been meaning to ask you for an article you once posted... when i get up the courage... but if you guess which... please don't post it... :o

hugs ~ waves ~

~

[waves]

with my ex. had chinese. we were supposed to watch Madagascar afterwards but my back was still bothering me, i had misimpressions of his offers to help at dinner (so internal panic), and i got a lot of those "pity" looks as well as hopeless looks around my apartment... and "it's gonna be a mess trying to get it all for saturday (last saturday before key turn in).

i ended up crying profusely. he was comforting but in the back of my mind was the thought of more of those "pity" thoughts/looks. then i said i needed to be alone. no madagascar - wouldn't have enjoyed it.

today i did a kitchen box and also washed some apothecary jars. so little. i have a client viewing the apt tomorrow, a pdoc appt tomorrow, and my landlord on saturday while i'm not here.

more and more often i am getting "stuck" - i sort of just stop... freeze... and stare blankly at one spot for a while... after a few minutes i unfreeze slowly. i am really feeling like i'm falling apart... more and more... i really don't know how i'm going to make it.

:( w.

[bizi]

Dear waves,
I can't rmember if you take zyprexa or geodon or seroquel as an anti-psych med?
I am alittle concerned for you about the freezing up too.
I wonder if it is just that your mind is swirling with the things that you need to do and your body is rebelling?
sounds harder and harder to focus.
I really wish you could enlist someone to help you see thru this as the time limit comes near.
baby steps as you can.
maybe your exz could help you finish?
bad idea?
bizi

[Nikko]

Oh waves, I feel badly. I know how hard this is on you. Maybe after your p-doc appt. he/she could tweak your meds or just talking may help.

I don't know anymore either. I am just not myself and probably not one to be giving advice.

Hang in there, this all has to pass, we have to be strong somehow.

Hugs, Nikko

[waves]

i had gone up to 150 zoloft when he was on vacation... saw him twice since and now he said go 200 coz i basically looked like somethin the cat dragged in. we were able to talk a bit about some things tho, and i felt better at least for a brief while afterwards. then i got "home."

I have Zyprexa and Seroquel., both scripted prn, both in house. But one or the other or both causes mild mouth movement. so i try to avoid. but bizi maybe 5 mg zyprexa for a couple days might just be a boon. heck if i don' have time to sleep that much :eek: - or not in one chunk. i have to have nip-naps and lie downs between packing to ease my back. my pdoc wanted to know all about my back. for some strange reason i found that nice.

will report tomorrow. i think i will need to kinda "check in" as i pack... to show off my boxes as i do them? god i sound beyond pathetic.

hugs to all
~ waves ~

[mymorgy]

you are going through probably one of the most traumatic events of your life. I hope you are being gentle on yourself and dropping any tendency to self criticize. I wish I could come up with some words of wisdom. I am glad you have upped your medication. I hope they are helping you. Loss makes room for something new. If somebody said that to me right now I wouldn't respond well to that but I won't delete it.
Love as always
Bobby

[waves]

thanks Bobby. I'm trying. My mind is spinning today... too much stuff... overwhelm, felt like i could do a box and check in etc... but i'm doing a bit o this and a bit o that i feel inherently disorganized i put something down and can't find it literally 5 seconds later... but its not bipolar that - it's just i have SOOOOO much stuff every where my "scan" for things is overwhelmed.

love
w.

[waves]

i did manage to do some boxes... lets see.

1. CD's and hi fi equipent (mic, pickup etc)
2. make a small miscellaneous box of crap that will go inside my bedside table.
3. started another miscellaneous box of little tiny stupid doodad thingies i don't know what to do with :rolleyes:
4. seeled some already packed tape/hi fi boxes (doesn't feel like that counts)
5. stuffed all my socks underwear etc in the shoeboxes they will continue to live in, but made sure they were all full... with whatever was handy. (whew)

Also...

- All bathroom drawers empty.
- All but essential bath items in carry bags, which i think will have to box?? at worst, we take as are tho!

- All bedroom drawers empty and "coalesced" with other boxes, esp the "misc" ones lol... my keyword to moving is "miscellaneous" :D

- 2.5 out of 3 bedroom cupboards empty.

- small bag hand wash. no i'm notttt doing it here, now...

- stuffed all my hair thingies here and there (bobby i should mail you some... still have long hair? i have soooooo many, mostly little wraps)

- threw out a lot of paper.... i think more to go.

~~~~~~~~~
well i typed a lot. i guess that means i did a lot? :confused:

ohhh so much left. i did/do have more energy today though, did a kitchen box last night before getting, get this.. NINE hours of sleep!!! whew!!!

back is still a mess, but i can get around and pack. shoving/lifting is out.

~ waves ~ back to work i guess... :o

[bizi]

way to go waves...great job!
see you are doing this....I knew you could...
be careful and don't further your injuries....
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[waves]

boxes left

1 paper
2 bath (stuff organized at least)
1 clothes + shoes big bag
3 boxes of fragil doodads which all need bubble wrapped first
2 more boxes of kitchen - glasses, dishes, big nasty heavy as hell bowls ... all need some kinda buffering...

but i am going to bed. my parents said, go to bed. i thought i would pass out. i have been panting for the past 5 hours. i forgot my Naproxen on time. if it weren't for my back i'd say to heck with it, guzzle coffee and pull an alnighter but too exhausted and pain doing any part of the packing now.

i just realized i am not breathing right now... think finally having anxiety attack gonna take lorazepam should be short acting enough to help put me out, relax my back, yet not interfere with waking dang i sound so lucid writing but dang i feel so messed up every which way.

parents will call at 8 am (friends arrive at 10 to start loading)... will try to do what i can in those 2 hours... at least i will be less tired.

thanks for listening.

[waves]

thanks for your ongoing support. it is such relief to hear someone believe in you... regardless how things end up. it is a help. thanks

hugs
w

[Nikko]

wow.......great job.....way to go, see you are stronger than you think.

happy things are smoothing out now.......................get some rest too.

Hugs, Nikko

[Mari]

Hi Waves,
I admire you because you are so strong.
Mari

[waves]

it is not over.

saturday was a mess. only had half done - my friends insisted on helping pack the rest... i let them but now i don't know where things are... and so i nowhave mixed up boxes in the subterannean garage.

i have daily breakdowns. my mother noticed the past few times she's seen me that i hop from one talks to the next without finishing any and dont seem to focus. i lose thigs i put down in seconds (easy to do with mess... but...seconds?) i forget things. i get irritable.

i was considering Bizi's hint about an AP tonight - have Zyprexa in house... that is i HAD it... but since it isn't a 'regular' med - it is already at my parents :( crap. i needed it more last week but i think this week won't promise much better. there's the deadline, the utilities, the post office, the oven, fridge... and then at my parents... unpack glothes meds.... ugh.

my mom and dad came today do do the shutters and windows and bathroom tiles, since my back is still very sore, esp certain vertebrae. i was a ***** for the first two hours i had slept in a baaaad position, having faded off without taking my meds... nor my NSAID.

it continues. i asked my mom tonight if i could have some time to jsut rest when i got there. she said sure, you knw afer a few days we can start sorting things out bit by bit. i was thinking more along the lines of 12 hours med-enforced DEEP sleep daily. fo like a week. guess not. :o

~ waves ~ against jagged rocks

[waves]

Thank you both for your kind support... you remind me that at least i have got this far down the road, i guess. ~ waves ~

[waves]

i may have given some wrong impressions. synopsis: my move is NOT over. the only thing that is all over is my head.

This is NOT over. NOT NOT NOT over. NO hump no nothing, no ease, no relax no no no no no. NOT. The hump is like, huh???? oh, my vertebrae! oh that, oh yheah i'll probably be a humpback whale soon between those painful protrusions and the weight i haven't yet lost.

ok, so stuff is moved. great, and i don't know where what is and no it will NOT be unpacked as there is NOWHERE TO UNPACK it. and i have enough crap left here i will need a car to bring me over with the rest. and MOST of the apartment needs cleaning. the shitty parts that take a long time. and i no, i can't just "eat" the deposit money and leave it.

i can't begin with the beaurocratic stufff... it all over the place flooding and i can't seem to do oen thing and finish it. my mind is everywhere i can't think straight or go from A to B i end up in bushland and doin't know how i got there i would have taken Z last night but - oops! - since it's not in my regular regime... it's already been moved to my parents. :eek: When my mom was here she said i seemed totally disoriented and remarked the extreme task-hopping. Plus the steam-engine drivel i spat at her down the phone one night. i call places and forget what i called for. or half of it.

i have massive crying jags but gave the finger to an @$$ biker who came shooting down the road (from faaar away) and across the pedestrian crossing barely after me. i ***** and ***** some more. my mood is so labile i feel like a lab up the wrong aisle. i spell things all in homonyms and manage to edit but it keeps coming and it's frustrating.

i don't want to go on i don't want to i don't want to dang but i only live on the fourth floor. now i shall be a good little fkd up recycling citizen, and take a huge back of shot electronic stuff to the eco-center.

lifes a ***** and then you die
never stop to wonder why
cuz if you do you'll only cry
life's a *****. and then, you DIE.

this sucks fuming sulphurous egg rot.

[mymorgy]

poor waves
if you can only tell yourself this too shall pass....I tell myself that when I am suffering the most painful depressions and it helps a little
Love
Bobby

[Mari]

Dear Waves,
I think I understand intellectually: it's not over. And when it is over it will be crummy because you still won't have your stuff with you. Your stuff will be in a garage yards away from your parents apartment. Except for a box or two or a suitcase, you will be living with your parent's stuff in their space.

Your kind of packing is hard because you are moving from a life to a smaller life. I wish that I could make this easier for you and offer you hope that when you get past the transition, you will find some good things. If I think of any good things I promise to let you know. :)


Keep going through the motions. And keep getting through your day. You are holding up in a way.

When can you get some of the Zy that got packed and moved by the helpful/unhelpful people?

Your mentioning of plush animals earlier thread was a "moving" moment.

'Thinking about you and sending you good thoughts so that you can get through this.

Mari

[Mari]

Waves,
I am very sorry that you are going through this.
mari

[Nikko]

Waves - I am sorry you are going through a real crappy time. First sit back, take a deep breathe, cry if you feel like it and just relax.

Everything will sort itself out in time. So what the boxes aren't unpacked, they aren't going anywhere, do one at a time.

Before you can deal with any of this moving crap, you have to take care of yourself first, so do that, get some rest.

Tomorrow is another day, I know it sucks, but it is the only way to deal with this.

So rest, take on what you can when you can, that's all for now.

Hugs, Nikko;)

[waves]

typing 1 hand cos cut index finger bad orying plastc thingi off vingr bottle :rolleyes: :( now mks remng ckeanig a lottt hardr slower

all of u in hard place ... i also hope relif soon for u.

dear mari tx for hearing nd undrstnding. mom bring zypr tomorrow.

dear bobby, thanks for thots and exprnce. all helps.

dear nikko, thanks for ttrying to ease ny nind, vry kindhearted esp w all yr troubles. lucy splain betr nw- boxres deal not temp, not q of time pace whtvr, nt tody not nex month. boxes to stay pkd in grge 5 flrs down, not easy access. not beunpacled wll hav only cloths n meds, no mor. not natter of doing rest slow, :( see? until have job and can move out fr p's - possibly YEARZS while i professionally retrain - my life/stff in STORAGE. my p's have only smakk 1bd 1 bth. i stay on couch.

now going to bed after accidt, been long day too, recycke centr was a trip to hel n made bad foot hurt bt no nsaid du tu finger need to ckot. so heeding ur advice nw ;) - called a day.

nite. huggs

and thx. sorry mad bfor - xo xo frstrtd mind skit skaterd. scattered. ha, skatng too. mood bersk.

w.

[bizi]

dear waves,
just a quick note before I hit the hay.
take care of your self.
take deep breaths
eat, rest, eat , rest some more.
(((HUGS)))
bizi

[Mari]

wll hav only cloths n meds, no mor. not natter of doing rest slow, :( see? until have job and can move out fr p's - possibly YEARZS while i professionally retrain - my life/stff in STORAGE. my p's have only small 1 bd 1 bth. i stay on couch.

Dear Waves,
Protect yourself. Especially your parts right now. Keep track of your fingers and feet. (sorry. bad attempt at humor.)

You know what would stink most for me about moving in with folks? The sleep stuff. Or rather the lack of being able to sleep. I guess that your parents are more accomadating than mine because no one can be as much of a ********** as my father and no one can be as up tight with anxiety/ocd as my mother. I saw them for three days in July with hubby and the visit was even worse that the the last vist 18 months before. I might stop visiting them all together. Or make them visit me and stay in a hotel.
I don't mean to make this about me.

I'm saying that if I knew I were moving into some place where my wierdo sleep patterns and excessive need for sleep were threatened, I would be scared. .....not helping.....I know.....just saying I can "get' some of what you are saying/dreading......

I pray that your parents know enough about your rhythms.

From your posts, I think that you are still in your own apt. Maybe by the time it is time to go, you will be a little bit ready. Maybe some part of you will feel relief.

In the mean time, can you sleep? And be a little easier on yourself.
Is it possible that in addition to regret, you are going through some self-blame?

Mari

[waves]

dear Mari

you and i share many issues in our difficulties with our parents. sleep, rhythms those words stood out.

and self-blame with the move too. ashamed even.

i will call my parents and write more later.

time is close where i shall put my computer on my back and land in my parents house like rock, prey to gravity.

[waves]

oh, i just want to add, that right now i'm living out of bags in an empty apartment.... and it feels like a bathe in the sea.

[bizi]

hello all.
Moving is so hard....
....I wonder if having to move back "home" is what is getting to you.
this is going to be a very hard adjustment for you....
I wish that it was someway easier for you.
Hope that you guys get along or it will be very very hard to adjust.
(((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Mari]

Waves,
When you talk about a bathe in the sea are you talking about a cleansing?

Is it nice to be stuff-less? That is my word for now. I imagine that it might be nice to have a few nights of a quiet head with no junk surrounding me.


Mari

[waves]

mari - yes, and indeed that was what i meant. being in an empty apartment, free of stufff. relatively, anyway. this is my last night here and it's basically a campout... kindofa technocampout with the computer ha. it is kinda weird that i moved my guitar before me. i think it was a way of trying to "pull" myself over there.

bizi - yes, it will be squishy ... it is a known squishyness sort of in the sense that, when i first came across the ocean, i lived with my parents for 3 years before moving to this apartment. so i pretty much know how it is. it will be a little different of course... people grow... even parents lol.

~ waves ~ finally finished washing the floor, wishing to have a shower but not wanting to wake the neighbours.

i might go for a bit of selfishness right here. heck, why aren't more people night owls. then again, if they were, i wonder if i'd tend to be a day person.