A poem that really hit home for me..........

[Nikko]

Got Flowers Today.
It Wasn't My Birthday Or Any Other Special Day. We Had Our First Argument Last
Night, And He Said A Lot Of Cruel Things That Really Hurt Me. I Know He Is
Sorry And Didn't Mean The Things He Said. Because He Sent Me Flowers Today.

I Got Flowers Today. It Wasn't Our Anniversary Or Any Other Special Day. Last
Night, He Threw Me Into A Wall And Started To Choke Me. It Seemed Like A
Nightmare. I Couldn't Believe It Was Real. I Woke Up This Morning Sore And
Bruised All Over. I Know He Must Be Sorry. Because He Sent Me Flowers Today.

I Got Flowers Today. It Wasn't Mother's Day Or Any Other Special Day. Last
Night, He Beat Meup Again, And It Was Much Worse Than Al The Other Times. If I
Leave Him, What Will I Do? How Will I Take Care Of My Kids? What About Money?
I'm Afraid Of Him And Scared To Leave. But I Know He Must Be Sorry. Because He
Sent Me Flowers Today.

I Got Flowers Today. Today Was A Very Special Day. It Was The Day Of My
Funeral. Last Night He Finally Killed Me. He Beat Me To Death. If Only I Had
Gathered Enough Courage And Strength To Leave Him. I Would Not Have Gotten
Flowers Today.............................................
--
Stop Domestic Violence Today - Do Not Tolerate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[bizi]

powerful story
Be safe
((((HUGS)))
bizi

[Nikko]

I have to keep reading this over and over to stay strong......



Nikko:(

[Isis]

Nikko, I am so, so sad!
That is all I can think of saying to you.
Hold tight to your faith.
Love
Serengeti

[waves]

i am glad you found that poem, and that reading it is helping you preserve and renew your determination and strength. read it every time you need it. that poem - as bizi commented - is indeed a powerful piece... may you feel empowered by it, over and over, more and more, with each reading.

hugs

~ waves ~

[Nikko]

Thanks, plus the DV counseler I go to weekly helps.

[Nikko]

This keeps me in check!!!! Although it is so sad, it's so true also.

Nikko:confused:

[Nikko]

I have to keep this in my mind, that's why I keep bumping it up.

Sorry, Nikko:o

[Mari]

How are you feelign today/Friday?
I hope you are ok.
Time will help. Reminders will help and the DV counselor will help alot.

Stay on the program you have laid out for yourself to feel whole again.
mari

[Nikko]

I see my DV case mgr on Monday. I see my p-doc again on Oct 5th.

Yes, it does help, plus it is so informative on DV, there is sooooooooooooo much of it. The thing is most men just get the minimal, to me a slap on the wrist. Unless the woman get severly injured. That is why woman go back to them, mostly out of fear. My post concussion and being disabled, and my neck fusion don't even make a dent in the case. But, I could of been dead, if I hit my head the right way on the cement or he hit me in the right spot on the head. To me that is like attempted murder, but it isn't considered that in court. Makes me sick.

The sad part is so many woman end up dead, I think the justice system needs to be more strick on this issue, whether it is a women or man being battered. And, mental abuse, its just too hard to prove, so women and men just live with it.

I live in fear and that's not good, he will NOT run my life now. I am trying to think like that anyway.

Hugs, Nanc

[waves]

thinking of you... glad you have the DV counselor. that sounds terrible i wonder if a case can be made based on a non-DV manslaughter case with similar circumstances in the "m.o." of the assault. i would think your lawyer would know but... heck... if there is no precedent, it would be great to create one for future DV cases.

i'm so sorry you are hurting. i wish i could make you all better.

~ waves ~ sends warm wishes

(and a big hug)

[Nikko]

I need to bump this again.................

[Mari]

Hi, Nikko,
How are you?
Mari

[Mari]

hi Nikko,
It's Wednesday.
How is your week?
Mari

[DiMarie]

Nikko,
Thanks for the poem,
I am going to print at work.
I am a caseworker for a visitation center. I am a survivor of DV, a retired law enforcement. My own children had visitation at the center 20 years ago.

Two years agao I was a victim again by my brother...I found the system poorly responding compared to protcol establish in 1990 our local county.
I was told by local Chief to suck it up, get thicker skin from the threats and stalking. I had a magistraite refuse to enforce a criminal intent violation, he didn't think it arose to stalking or a threat. My car was pinned against my house by the perp's vehicle. The judge, when I got the case before here said, she was not happy I went to another magistraite and she told my abuser sorry for his trouble.

Now, I have experianced both ends of the abuse and enforcement...If I with 18 years law enforcement can not get the system to work right, how do women that have no knowledge in the system survive?
Dianne


Just this week our laws were toughend. Three years on a PFA and all weapons are removed even if not used! HOORAY!
Di

[Nikko]

Hi DiMarie,

The system does not work in women's favor, that is for sure. What he did to me (it is in prior posts) he would get in more trouble if he did it to a stranger! I've been gooing through hell, physically, mentally and financially.
Twice his pre-trial was postponed, due to him not having a public defender, then them not having time to get there crap together! Oct 16th is the next pre-trial, it won't go to trial too many witness's. He is taking the plea, reduced jail time (no jail) class's (that my DV case mgr) told me only 2 percent of men actually change, and a monitering system I believe an d I assume probation. He could of killed me. He hit me in the head with a beer bottle at our complex pool,then my chair went over and I hit my head on the cement,this is after he dragged me out of the pool, and smashed his laptop pc. The charges are Assualt, and Aggravated Criminal Damage.
Plus he has prior's from back East, which I don't know if they will take into account.
I think I remember you from the Spinal Disorders Forum, only my name is changed now to protect myself.
October is National Domestic Violence month. I pray for anyone who has gone through this. I thought he had changed, stupid me. After 2 DV from back East.
Hugs, Nikko

[DiMarie]

Yes Nikki, I was on the spinal forum and a forum member since 1997. This past year my daughter was very ill with a super bacterial infection that almost took her arm and life. She has healed physically, but the battle has flared her with bipolar problems.

The meds make her psychotic and we now have legal issues from ill trained co-workers coming in gun ho and making her emotionally combative during a medical crisis. That hearing is next week and she does not even know what it is about.

Yes, this is Domestic Violence month. At our court house last week we had the dinner table set up with the "empty place settng". There was a place for all the victims murdered in domestic violce situations in our local county. Three of them I was close to. The last is an empty one for those that may be victims this year.

One of them could have been me, one day could still be. There is restraint with the perpertrator now that he would immediatly be the prime suspect. He will wait for it to cool down a year or two...then do it. Some night I will be getting out of my car, one morning walking to the mail box, I truely believe it will happen.

I did not cause my brother, 50 yrs old to lose everything, or commit the fraud, or financially cause him to be in such legal trouble..that was a path he chose and lived. All my siblings and others protect him.
I only attempted to protect my fathers estate, as Dad's Will and Dad personally requested of the children.....Brothers problems are his own, but, it is easier to make a fall guy of me. He won, the estate is lost, and everything my parents worked for is gone.

My husband and son's are supportive, they are sick at the system. Especially the son's that testified honestly and see how the system sucks.

But, Nikki, it never ceases to amaze me the women that stand in line EVERY SINGLE WEEK to have protections orders, not amended, but lifted.
I gget it....I know how difficult a time it is, I know how many are threatened not to pursue, but, the courts should refuse to drop, and only amend.

I will go back to your post, and keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Wish I could be there on the 16th, but I will be in spirit!
Di

[Nikko]

Hi DiMarie,
Back East I was one of those woman who twice stood in line to have the Order of Protection lifted and I got it. Although, he did get Probation for a year and classes. I really thought he had changed, and they don't......
Now, I can even get an Order of Protection - because he is a master of disappearing, besides manipulating.
I am going to call my court advocate and see if she can get the Order from the court (where it was sent back) and see if we can get him served before we go into court on the 16th.
I have learned sooooooooooooooooo much from my DV case manager, and I will never go back with him, ever!!!! They don't change and I feel very badly for the next woman he gets involved with, because she won't know, and may not be as lucky as I was.
Now, I need to get him off our lease, try and get that Order served. The address he gave the court, they say he doesn't live there anymore, he is supposed to be living with a couple from work at that address. I'm sure he is.
He was supposed to have his address changed, yet I still get his mail.
He only had it changed with his temp agency, so he could show court he did with a pay stub. Stupid!!!! It doesn't take much to go to the Post Office and have it done, yet he continues to even play games with the court.
I could be evil and show the mail, I could be evil and say he broke HIS order of protection, via phone right after this happened in July, but will it really be worth it?
From what I understand, judges don't like it when pre-trials are postponed so many times, makes more work for them. Also, Probation officers don't like DV people, and make their lives hell, one screw up and he will go to jail.
Sorry to hear all you have gone through. PM me and I will tell you who I am from the SD forum.
Hugs, Nikko

[DiMarie]

I really wish there was something I could do to help Nikki. The best thing if you were here with me is I would say focus on today. There is so much pressure on the woman to lift the order that it is not the victims fault, it is still part of the control of the men. I blame the Court, in your case he still had the probation and classes.

Our county is just starting classes. With the violations, unless asked if there were any, and they were back in July it may not look favorable. I saw reactions fromt he judges that were not supportive as there was no in contempt filed then.

Go forward from today, remeber to document anything, I have to keep a camera phone handy, a tape recorder for the calls, hit the trace code to show the origin of the call.

I thought he ws served because he showed up without a PD. Was that a different order.
As far as serving, if they do not serve him before the hearing, does he know about the eharing to show up then. That is a big deal about not having a new order served prior to the hearing and violations, before he is served. But, if he arrives he will be given formal notice then, and the second hearing notice will be given.

It is tough to be strong.....Did you ever see the Jen lo movie she runs from her abusive husband after he begins to injure the child and grows testostorne.
Man did she go back and put a hurtin on him. I would not reccommen it, but great to watch her in action.

I guess your counslor gave you tons of information and statistics.
I would tell you there are men out there that would never get physical, they can be kind and supportive. There are others that mentally abuse for years. Wonder what we have instore for our daughters..(oh, or son's if in combative relationships, I am not gender focused).

This is the toughtest battle of your life, hopefully this judge is great and can get this guy to let you alone with lots of incentive. Maybe a night in the cell would be an awakening for him. I hear that from men and women once they have to spend a day or two until eharings.

Big hugs,
Di

[Nikko]

Hi, Well, I have made some progresss, He is off the lease!!!!! He cannot go there and get a key, nor will they give him any info.

Plus, right before court on the 16th, all I have to do is bring one of my copies of the Order of Protection, and once I go through Security and meet up with my Court Advocate, any police officer there will serve MY order of protection on him, prior to him stepping in the court room.

Hooray for me today, made some progress. So, I feel somewhat better about this mess. I have NO intentions of ever seeing or speaking to him again. The court date is the last time I hope I have to see him, although I do not make eye contact with him at all.

The Judge is a woman and she is not a happy woman at all, I don't know what his public defender is.

I put back on my phone "privacy service" so they have to say there name when they get a recording, then I hear the name and they can't hear me, and I can decide then if I am going to speak to whomever is calling.

Only because I am getting way too many Name unavailable or Unknown and hang-ups, which could be just nothing, but I am sick of it. So, having this privacy control on will really help.

Anyway, I got some good things accomplished today as far as my phone calls, if nothing else.

I am still so fatigued, it's terrible.

That's all for now. I'll be checking in though.

Happy long weekend.....Nikko

[Mari]

Hi Nikko,
I haven't heard from you since the weekend.
How are you?
What's happening?
I think your court date is next week. Is that right?
Mari

[Nikko]

Hi, I'm okay, still very anxious. Yes, court is Monday afternoon, can't wait for it to be over.

Still not motivated to do things, just going through the motions.

I hope that changes after Monday, either I will feel safe or not after Monday.

Today is my birthday, feeling kind of down, doing nothing for it, which is fine, probably better.

Hugs, Nikko

[Wittesea]

Happy Birthday Nikko!!!

I know it's hard to celebrate a birthday when so much stuff is going on, but I hope you have the best day possible.

Take care of YOU,
Liz

[Mari]

Happy Birthday, Nikko!


http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/edible/cake.gif (http://www.thesmilies.com) http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/edible/margarita.gif (http://www.thesmilies.com) http://www.thesmilies.com/smilies/happy0017.gif (http://www.thesmilies.com)

[Nikko]

Thanks a bunch!!!!! Mom and I may go out for a late lunch.

Hugs, Nanc

[Nikko]

Just bumping this up for me. Monday court is coming fast, and my anxiety is mounting. I hate the thought of even seeing him. I don't even have to be there, but I do for my own sake to know what is going to happen to him for my safety. The next few days will be running on nerves, I am trying to keep myself calm with my meds. God give me strength.


Nikko

[bizi]

dear nikko,
I send you positive energy and good thoughts to help you get thru this.
you can and will get thru this...you are smart, and a wonderful woman with a huge amount of inner strength.
((((HUGS))))
bizi

[Nikko]

Thanks, but I am feeling real down now, plus trying to figure out those strange things I mentioned in my other post.

The Holidays, OMG I really don't think I get through them again.

Nikko - spriling down

[Nikko]

ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh D-Day is Monday for him, I bet he gets NADA a slap on the wrist.

What can I do......I've done my homework, now wait for the courts to decide his fate.

Hugs, Nikko

[Mari]

Dear Nikko,
It doesn't matter what the court does. Try to forget about that.
What matters is that you are taking care of yourself and taking care of your needs. The decision of the court does not have to effect you one way or another.
Let it go.
Focus on yourself and your need right now to feel strong.
Mari

[DiMarie]

Hi Nikki, Happy Belated Birthday!!!
My daughter was 11 on Tuesday, it is nice when you are little and the dreams come true on one's birthday. But, tons of us and wishing you a happy next year! BIG HUGS

Whatever happens on Monday, at least it is closure.

I was there when personally my abuser won....
But at least I had closure and grew back a set a ba!!s I use to have.
LOL, also photo cell phone!
Wish I could be there, stand tall be accurate as your recall alows you. Just state the facts,everyone of them. Not just enough of to get the protection, but all of the facts. Make sure to talk to the attorney assigned to anything you want to make sure is clear.

Don't forget, they like to plea out as, if the judge hits them they are going to go down BIG!
Don't let him see you even wiggle. Think about what they will be asking you, how you will respond. jot down a few things important you don't want to forget. Rethink times or dates to get accuracy as you can.

If he has an attorney, remember the case is about the violation, not if you missed a dinner or throw out a prized possession of his.
IF you don't recall, then say that don't guess. IF you aren't sure of soething say that I would only be guessing at this point. Or I am not certain of the date, or time but it was on or about.

I put all this down as someday maybe years from now, someone searching the forum may find your support and find it supportive for them.
I know it will be fine for you, think positive!
Di

http://home.cybergrrl.com/dv/book/lovewheel.html
http://home.cybergrrl.com/dv/book/lovewheel.gif
Tension-Building
criticism, yelling, swearing, using angry gestures, coercion, threats
Violence
physical and sexual attacks and threats
Seduction
apologies, blaming, promises to change, gifts
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It also explains how three dynamics, love hope and fear, keep the cycle in motion and make it hard to end a violent relationship.
Love/Hope/Fear
keep the cycle in motion
Love...
for your partner, the relationship has its good points, it's notall bad
Hope...
that it will change, the relationship didn't begin like this
Fear...
that the threats to kill you or your family will become reality
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Adapted from Dr. Lenore Walker's "Cycle of Violence" - Denver, CO

[Nikko]

Hi, I don't have to worry about talking, it is the STATE vs my husband. I don't even have to be there. This is the 3rd pre-trial, since the first one he didn't have legal representation, the 2nd his public defender called at the last minute and said they didn't have time to prepare.

I do have my input with the prosecutor, which they have to take into consideration, along with my med records and other things I mentioned in another post.

I have a great court advocate, she can even speak for me. I won't be shakey, my meds will take care of that.

He won't let this go to trial, too many witness's. I feel the need to be there and give my input, etc.

Thanks for all the info though. I do have things to jot down so I don't forget.

I don't mind the link, if it can help one woman it's worth it.

Anyway, by the time I get back from court my time, it will be late in the day.
Since court is at 3pm.

Hugs and thanks, Nikko

[Nikko]

Felt the need to bump this up again......

[Mari]

Hi Nikko,
You are a good person.
I hope you can learn to see that in yourself. All by yourself, before you do anything or say anything, you are good and deserving of all good things.

You don't have to do anything. You are good just by being.

mari

[Nikko]

Thanks Mari. I try. It's going to be a long week for me, waiting for court on Friday AGAIN.........I should be used to this by now, with all the pre-trials, and now another one. But, it get's my nerves in an uproar, then it's so draining afterwards mentally. So many emotions, so depressing. YUCKY that's how it is. I thank God I have a court advocate and a womens center advocate, they are angels, the support is wonderful, it's a crutch for me.

I hope justice is served.

Hugs, Nikko

[Mari]

Dear Nikko,
If you put all your hopes on justice, you might be disappointed. Can you change your hopes to something else? You have no control over whatever the court decides is justice. But you do have control over other parts of your life.
'Hoping that you will be ok soon.
Mari

[bizi]

time to read this agian nikko....
((((HUGS)))
bizi

[befuddled2]

Nikko,

This poem is so true and a reality check. My husband's abuse started out verbally, emotionally, and then physically. No one would listen to me when I told them my husband was emotionally abusing me. Not even my case managers at the Mental Health clinic or the therapists I saw.

befuddled2

[bizi]

wanted to share this with you.....

[Nikko]

Thanks Bizi, you are so right, time to read this again and again. Thanks for bumping this up. I have it on paper someplace too.

That is why I cannot stop my DV counseling weekly yet. Guess it is a longer haul than I thought. PTSD is a killer too.

For anyone who reads this and has been in a abusive relationship, all I can say is go for Domestic Violence Counseling at a Womens Center as I do.
It has made a world of difference, I have learned so much, I still go and probably will have to for awhile. I still slip back in time, so that's why this is good to read over and again when you start to slip back into those thoughts of .........you know.

Remember- There is NO Excuse for Domestic Violence as my bumper sticker states.

They make you think it is your fault, IT IS NOT.....that is there way of manipulation, conning, being a liar, etc. Oh, boy could I go on here, but I won't, because everyone needs to learn and listen themselves if they are in this type of situation. GET OUT ASAP the abuse only intensifies over time.

Thanks Bizi, I needed this really badly....Wow I feel better....Nikko

If anyone is in this type of situation or out of it and wants to talk, please let me know. I have only been free as they say since mid July.

[Nikko]

BF - it is the hardest thing to prove when someone is verbally or mentally and emotionally abusing you, because there is no proof, they are not there to hear it. It's not fair, but it sure is a warning, of what is to come, of course we don't want to believe that at the time.

I think only if the verbal abuse becomes a loud argument is when the police will actually step in if called and you were afraid of him and told the police that or he threatened you.

As the prosecutor told me I am the only one that can protect myself, nice huh, so I have to be on guard at all times, because he didn't get jail, even though he could of killed me if that bottle or the cement hit my head just so.
It was more like attempted murder than DV. But then again I was his wife, but he was stupid this past time, he did it in front of a pool full of people.

He's in the poop until April of 2008, but he is still out and about, can't come near me, but what about the next woman he may get involved with, she will be clueless, and he is smooth, a master at his art. God help her, because only 1 percent of these men change after the counseling, probation, etc. Pretty sad fact.

Ok, I will shut up, or I will go on too much.

Hugs, Nikko

[befuddled2]

Hi Nikko,

I am my husband's 4th wife and from what I hear, he abused all the others too so I know mine will never change. As soon as I can save the money to file for divorce I plan to. Sometimes like on the weekends when everyone is busy with their families and I get lonely without one, I'll forget just how bad my life with my husband was. It's poems like this one and post responses like yours just now that set me straight. Thank you.

befuddled2

[Mari]

Dear Nikko,

Dear Befuddled2,

You two will come out the other side better than when you went in.
Hold on and keep faith in your future. :)

Mari

[bizi]

hugs to you dear nikko.....
((((HUGS)))))
bizi

[heyjude5050]

Nikko,
It makes me so sad to think that you live with the fear that it sounds like you do. I hope your DV counselor is a knowledgeable person who is helping you gain the self esteem you need to KNOW that you did nothing to deserve what you are going through.
The poem is so powerful, but I hope you do not look at it as your future.
I will be pray for you to get the help you need and learn to love yourself again.
I was also glad that you mentioned men in your post. There are many abused men out there but they are so afraid to come forward because they fear it will be looked at as a sign of weakness.
I wish they knew that it is a sign of strength.
Many prayers sent to you.
Be safe,
Judy

[waves]

you had said you needed to keep this poem in your mind... it was about to fall off the page... so here's a bumpity bump for you.

do please write. and also if you'd rather let the thread drop just say the word and i will delete this post and it will automatically drop back down.

i hate that you are living in fear. one day at a time. feed yourself. rest. keep grounded any way you can.

~ waves ~ of cosmic prayer and lots of gentle hugs.

[Nikko]

Thanks, Waves......I do appreciate it being bumped. Not just for me, but for anyone going through any type of abuse.


Hugs, Nikko

[bizi]

time for a bump again

[Nikko]

Yes, time for a bump again for sure.

[nuttybuddy]

Nikko-

Hang in there! I don't know what to say, except I think alot of women have had experiences with DV, I did not know yours got to this level.

I think you are such a strong person to be able to deal with this the way you have been, even if you don't think so.

Hugs, A

[waves]

Nikko,

i would be glad if you would read this Poem again... and be mindful of it regarding Dirk. as they say, DeNile ain't just a river in Egypt.

I feel like a bull in a China shop but they also say to your own self be true and i wouldn't be if i didn't post these things right now.

i am willing to risk your anger for it. i would rather you be angry with me, than not say these things. i do not want to see you fall into a victim role again.

~ waves ~

[Nikko]

I remember that poem all too well.

The one thing that is Dirk is not physically abusive, he never layed a hand on me.

It was only verbal, when he was drunk. That was one day, and he knows it best never happen again.

Thanks for thinking of me.:)

Nikko:hug:

[DMACK]

Nikko
All lifes choices are your's ....just make the right ones.


David:hug:

[Nikko]

time to bump this up again

[bizi]

HI nikko,
Just thinking about you, I know it must be hard not having your mom to have for the holidays...this has to hurt and make you sad.:(
I hope you are doing alright...post when you are up to it.
bizi:hug:

[Dmom3005]

I've been thinking of you Nikko.

Donna