Another price paid because of CP

[fiberowendy2000]

Well, I just got a call from my grandmother not too long ago. As we were talking, my grandmother casually mentions that my sister got married in June of this year. Of course I wasn't invited.
My sister and I haven't spoken in about 4 years now because of a falling out and issues which I now understand come from partially from the medications I was on and partially from undiagnosed Bipolar Disorder. Last year I tried to make amends by sending her a letter. I didn't have any high hopes for immediate reconciliations or anything but maybe a segway into talking again slowly. Well, I gave her my address and phone number and let her make the next move. Nothing happened. And at the time I totally understood that.
Now that I have found out after the fact that I was not even told about the wedding I am hurt. I didn't mind not being invited, but not being told....that is another story.
Do I have a right to be hurt? I'm not angry but it does bother me that my family totally forgot about me.
Another victim of CP I guess.

[Wittesea]

Wendy,

(((((hugs))))

I can certainly relate to being forgetten and hurt by family.

Of course you have the right to be hurt. It hurts when family doesn't understand. It hurts to be forgotten.

My family does the same thing to me. My mother and step-father and everyone on that side of my family act as if I no longer exist - my husband and I never get invited to anything. My in-laws are similar, but they invite my husband without inviting me.

My father and step-mother are better, but they still have their moments of forgetting us and assuming that I would not want to do certain things. On that side of the family, we get invited to some things, but not others...


It's really sad and hurtful to feel left out and forgotten... but I don't know how to fix or change it.

(((((((hugs))))))

Take care,
Liz

[Junie]

Wendy,
I just wanted to let you know you are not alone. I am seeing a trend with chronic pain people and being abandoned by family. This year will be the smallest family gathering we have ever had...just one sister and 2 out of 3 sons....but I am trying real hard to shrug it off and go on with my life.....it is their loss and what comes around goes around and one day they will wish they had not been so cruel.
Hang in there!

[fiberowendy2000]

Thanks ladies. I knew you all would understand. I have been plain miserable since the phone call. I have been trying to calm down ever since. I don't know which I am more of hurt, angry or just plain sad.
I know my grandmother didn't mean to hurt my feelings but she did.
It keeps reminding me why I don't hang around my family anymore. Everytime I do, I get hurt somehow.
Here is a question for all of you, when you do let your guard down for one second like I did today, do you kick yourself up and down for letting it happen? How do you deal with the feelings after? I just don't know what to do with myself right now.
UGH! Why do I let them do this to me?????!!!!

[Junie]

Well Wendy,
I try to not let my guard down anymore and am trying to start fresh and build a new life.....I can't change anyone except myself so after going through the worst year of my life alone I now know they are not worth my tears!
I was not visited in the hospital or offered any help by any of them....I am called a drug addict for taking my pain meds for a serious back condition but they sit around and smoke weed, drink beer and pop xanax for recreational uses...gimmie a break! Sometimes its best to just cut ties with certain people....its not like I asked to be born into that family.
Sorry you are hurting....but it will get easier with time.

[fiberowendy2000]

Junie, I am so sorry about your family. Talk about pot calling the kettle black. Ick! Hypocrits.
I finally fell asleep exhausted earlier and just woke up about 20 minutes ago. I have come to the conclusion that I cannot be around my family period!!!!! No phone calls, no more get togethers, no cards....no anything. I made this promise to myself before and this is the first time I broke that promise. Its sad huh. That we have to do this. Dang stigma.

[Junie]

Well Wendy,
I am trying to look at the bright side....I am gonna save a bundle on birthday/Xmas and other occasion gifts that I will use on those family members that treat me with love and respect...plus on myself to make my life a little easier:)

[fiberowendy2000]

Junie I totally agree. The amount I saved on going down to Connecticut and buying a present for her wedding and dealing with the family. Oy Vey! What a day of stress I saved myself!
Personally I think that my grandmother set me up for this one. She may be old but she is a wiley one.

[Junie]

I think you should use some of the money saved from that trip and buy yourself a hour long massage or maybe a spa package:)

[fiberowendy2000]

Honestly.....I spent it on my anniversary present to my husband! He got the massage gift certificate!:D
My massages come from PT!

[Jo*mar]

The title caught my eye.

I guess it boils down to - do they {family} make more negatives in your life or more positives??

If the interactions are mostly negative then distancing yourself is a good choice.

Wendy-
But if your sister is basically a nice person -then maybe send another card with a "Best Wishes" and a "I just was told of your wedding" "thinking of you" that sort of thing and see if she replies or not???

but only you know if that is worth a try or not.

[Idealist]

Wendy...you definitely have a cause for feeling hurt, left out, betrayed. It is so very sad that sometimes even the people who really love us shut us out of their lives because they believe we must be "tainted" or something because of our medical conditions. Or else they assume we must be faking somehow, using it as a crutch.

As far as letting your guard down once in a while, I don't see how you can ever totally avoid that when you're a kind and caring person. Being nice often equates to being vulnerable, and there's no way around that. Still, I'd rather be hurt once in a while than turn into a hard and spiteful person.

Just last week my father surprised me by giving me a car to drive. A nice little used Dodge Avenger, complete with tags, insurance, and a full tank of gas. I was so thrilled I wanted to hug him bigtime. But then he went and spoiled it all by giving me a lecture about how now that I had wheels, I could go back to being a "normal person" again. I didn't know what to say. I am a normal person. It just so happens that I live with a chronic condition. Ten cars wouldn't take that away.

So I can definitely get a sense of where you're coming from. I know that being in pain already, you definitely could do without more. But I think it's better to continue to be yourself, and not let the ignorance of others make you into someone who's brittle. I wish you the best of luck, and hope that your sister, and the rest of your family, realize what a blessing you can be just as you are right now.

Idealist

[fiberowendy2000]

Jo, unfortunately, my sister would not be receptive to any letters or phone calls from me. I was thinking the same thing myself, but realized I would be setting myself up for another slap in the face.
Thank goodness I have a therapy appointment today. I really need to talk to someone about this. I feel so alone right now (beyond you fine people here). I have no one really to talk to about this. Talking to Todd (my husband) has already been done and he is very upset about how I am being treated. I just need someone objective to help me deal with this.
Why are we treated like such pariahs?

[Jo*mar]

I listen to Dr Laura sometimes, and she is good at putting things into perspective. { About taking or putting up with any kind of abuse or negative actions from others.}
Of course some think she is too harsh, or to cut and dried, but in general - she gives pretty reasonable advice.

here is her link-
http://www.drlaura.com/main/

Idealist-
Why would your dad think a car will make you "normal"??
I think I have read other posts where the dad just can't handle or deal with even a grown daughter with chronic pain.
Must be the "fix it "syndrome - but they can't fix it.

[Junie]

Wendy,
Bottom line is you have to take care of your needs first and if being around certain family members drags you down then its time to cut ties! In my case certain family members stayed around me as long as I continued shelling out money...but as soon as I put a stop to that......they no longer had any use for me. One day I woke up and realized that I was the only giver in the relationship and I wanted to know if I quit giving if they would still be around for me....and I found out my gut feeling was right...I was simply being used. I don't feel like I am hard and bitter, just decided to protect my heart along with my bank account a little better. You just have to do what is right for you.

[Wittesea]

Here is a question for all of you, when you do let your guard down for one second like I did today, do you kick yourself up and down for letting it happen? How do you deal with the feelings after?

Yes, I get really upset with myself for letting my guard down, and I get upset for allowing myself to be hurt, and I get upset at myself for not expecting the hurt before-hand, and then I get upset with myself for getting upset... and then I just feel worn out, tired, and stupid.

For me, the best way to deal with it is to talk it out, or write it out. I talk to my husband and I talk to the forum. I write on my blog and/or I write in my journal.... and I try to do relaxing things to pamper myself and treat myself gently. Sometimes shopping therapy helps :)

And then I retreat back into my shell and ignore my family. It's just easier for me to ignore them and withdraw from them because I don't want to get hurt again. I realize that my family will never understand me, they will never get it, they will never change - so in order to stop the hurt I have to be the one to change, and the best change I can make is to withdraw from them so that they can't hurt me.

Thankfully, I have my husband who completely understands, and I have this forum full of friends who completely understand... and one neighbor who understands (she works in healthcare in a home for disabled people, so she is the only "real life" friend who understands - she is the only "real life" friend I have).

It's funny, because when I first met this neighbor I couldn't stand her at all... I thought she was annoying and I did not want to be neighborly or friendly with her... but then at a condo association meeting we ended up working together on the same committee and we became good friends.


It's sad that I have gotten to a point in life where I usually expect my family to disappoint me and misunderstand me and hurt me. It's sad that in order to protect myself I have to keep away from my family. But I realized that no relationship with them is better than a bad relationship with them. They don't understand that either, they all think that I am being a witch for cutting off contact... but I have to do what is necessary in order to keep myself mentally and emotionally healthy.

But it still hurts to know that keeping myself mentally and emotionally healthy means that I have to keep my family at arms length, or cut off contact with them.

[Jo*mar]

Oh I remember a word for some people it's TOXIC! I can't remember where I heard it used but it makes sense to me.

if they are bad {toxic} to be around you have to distance yourself - and who needs any added stress?? anyway?

[fiberowendy2000]

That is exactly what my family is...toxic. I have decided to break ties with them again. Of course, my grandmother once she found out that my father doesn't talk to me said she is going to give him a talking to. :rolleyes: Wonderful, that is what I need. Thanks Memere!
Well thanks for my therapist. She helped me out by just listening and observing. She gave me a book to read, "Running with Scissors". The movie just came out. I just bought it off Barnes and Noble.com. She said that I might see my family in the author's.
Thank you all for being there for me. As sad as this may sound, it is so good to see I am not alone feeling run out of my family because of my illnesses.
Why do people have to be this way?

[Quahog]

Hi Wendy,

You are not alone when it come to family problems. I also no longer speak to mine. I would say it has something to do with Chronic Pain but I have another brother who has CP as well but seems the rest of the family is fine with him.

the problem is he abused his pain meciation runs out early, takes too much, etc. then he turns to heroin. I have mentioned this to my mother and other brother but I have been given the brush off. Seems now one cares what i have to say and on my last visit to see my mother she did not listen to one single word I said. I am incredibly angry but I can no longer speak with any of them. My fiance and I have a bet going as to whether or not my mother will call us on thanksgiving and to wish me well on my birthday. I have a sinking feeling that she won't call. I can't say I am all that un happy about it as I really have nothing to say to her. In fact she doesn't know that I am sick and may require a pace maker for my cardiac issues due to Lyme disease.
If I told her she would probably think I was just making it up to copy my brother who has CP. My family thinks like that, Sad

Anyways, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone.

Glenn

[fiberowendy2000]

I think that those of us who try and fight the system so to speak are the ones who are ostracized. When we confront those who are mean or we speak our peace then we are "in trouble".
Funny huh? I was brought up to speak my mind and be independent and now I am being punished for it.
I guess when major issues are swept under the carpet only then are our families are comfortable with us. Glenn (good to see you around by the way!) that is why your brother is accepted and you aren't. He doesn't say anything, he just does while you question what you see isn't quite right and you are looked down upon.
You just can't pick family....wish I could though.

[Wittesea]

Wendy,

It's funny that you mentioned the book "running with scissors".

Right before i came here to NeuroTalk, I was at the website for the book club that I order books from, and I ordered every single book written by Augusten Burroughs-- there are 4, Dry, Magical Thinking, Running with Scissors, and the new one Possible Side Effects.

I have been wanting those books for a while now because he talks about his nutty family and I figured it would give me some perspective on my own nutty family.

The book club was offering a holiday special, so I got the first 3 books for $7 each and the new one for $16.... with the $2 for shipping the total for all 4 books was only $39. The book club is the Quality Paperback Book Club - the sell the larger type of paperback books that are almost the same size as the hardcover. I generally prefer hardcover books, but the oversized paperbacks are great because they are the right size, but cheaper :)

Anyway, I just thought it was ironic that you and I both ordered the same book for pretty much the same reason.... we will have to have a book discussion when we start reading :)

Liz

[fiberowendy2000]

Good idea Liz. I will be getting the book on Friday according to the UPS website. So I will be getting on it ASAP!

[fiberowendy2000]

Not sure if this was the wisest decision I ever made but I sent my sister an e-card for her birthday which is coming up next week. I also let her know that my grandmother told me about the wedding and I wished her all the best.
Like I said it may not have been the best idea I have had but I wanted to give her congrats and all.

[Jo*mar]

You can always leave the door open - but not expect a reply - then if one does come, it will be a {hopefully} pleasant surprise.

Hopefully she would be polite enough to send a thank you.

I Hope you have a very nice Thanksgiving!

[fiberowendy2000]

Knowing me....I am setting myself up for a slap in the face.:rolleyes:
But at least I can say I am trying to be the bigger person and didn't send her a nasty email about how rude she is and was about this whole thing.
Eh! Who knows.....I probably won't get a thing back. If anything probably an email of her freaking out like the last one I got when I found out where she lived and sent her a letter.
At least she now knows that I do talk to family and I can keep up on how she is if I want to. Not in a nasty way but to make sure if she's okay.

[GJZH]

I am amazed that it is not just family that treats us with indifference, but strangers too. I was shopping yesterday at Kohl's Department Store. I walk with a cane and had to return several items. It is a chore for me to get to the back of their store...but I did make it there...A woman saw me walking towards the return counter and literally ran to get in front of me...If that wasn't bad enough she then went on to ask about a rain check and held me up for about ten minutes...I was in considerable pain until she finished. I almost said something, but thought better. If she was so thoughtless to push in front of me..she wouldn't get it...but I am finding more and more...people just push in front of me...With my recent lumbar fusion I am so afraid they are going to knock me down or push into my back and really hurt me...I have to be so careful, especially during the holiday season...

I have to say too...that we have to remember, especially me...that when people ask how we are ...We really have to just say fine because in most instances they really do not care and do not want to hear...I made this mistake with my sister-in-law and when I started to tell her she said, "Oh let's talk about something else." During my last visit at her house, she brought my health up to my husband and used it as an excuse to tell my husband she thought I just had a low tolerance for pain...For one of the first times ever, my husband spoke up very quickly and said no she does not....My goodness I just tolerated a sixteen hour surgery with two twelve inch incisions..One in the front and one in the back....I would like to see her pain tolerance for that surgery...She has never had any surgery of any kind...but I will never make the mistake of telling her anything ever again....In fact, should she call the phone will go to my husband...My eighteen year old daughter has more sense than me...She told me she was like a rattle snake waiting to strike...and so she was and did....I think our family members are the least understanding of our conditions...My sister-in-law makes all kinds of excuses for her alcoholic brothers, but thinks I should tolerate my back pain...I had just let down my guard and started to trust her...never again...

[Boopers]

Hi Wendy,

I'm sorry your family treats you this way. Why do the ones that are suppose to love us unconditionally, treat us the worst!! Total strangers have treated me better than my own family. I guess it's true, they don't understand our CP, and they choose NOT to understand it. Like we "want" to live this way.
You have every right to feel hurt over this. Your sister shouldn't treat you this way. Blood is suppose to be thicker than water.
I think it's great that you sent her the email. That really shows that you are the bigger one willingly to forgive and forget but if she doesn't respond, then try not to stress over it. It just shows she hasn't come to a point in her life where she will understand that all this time wasted will never be gotten back. Be proud of yourself and your actions. You have done the right thing.
Take care,
Linda :)

[Boopers]

Hi Wendy,

I'm sorry your family treats you this way. Why do the ones that are suppose to love us unconditionally, treat us the worst!! Total strangers have treated me better than my own family. I guess it's true, they don't understand our CP, and they choose NOT to understand it. Like we "want" to live this way.
You have every right to feel hurt over this. Your sister shouldn't treat you this way. Blood is suppose to be thicker than water.
I think it's great that you sent her the email. That really shows that you are the bigger one willingly to forgive and forget but if she doesn't respond, then try not to stress over it. It just shows she hasn't come to a point in her life where she will understand that all this time wasted will never be gotten back. Be proud of yourself and your actions. You have done the right thing.
Take care,
Linda :)

[fiberowendy2000]

Thanks Linda. I have it set up for Tuesday, her birthday, for it to be sent. We will see what happens then.

[CoolAngel26]

Hi Wendy,

Wanted to pop in and give you some {{hugs}}..Take care,Kristin

[fiberowendy2000]

Thanks Kristin....I need all the support I can get. I didn't even tell my husband I sent the e-card. I didn't want to hear the response.:D

[BrokenBladder]

I'm so sorry to read about the way your family is treating you, but I must say that I completely understand it. My brother and sister just don't have a clue as to how I feel. To make matter worse my sister works on an ambulance helping people all the time so you would think that she could be sympathic to me. NOT!!
I just continue to talk to them, send them cards, but I don't let myself get upset anymore about their lack of understanding. I just don't have the energy for it anymore.
Keep your chin up and I praise you for being the better person.;)

[fiberowendy2000]

Well, today, early this AM, the ecard was sent. I on purposely didn't check off the option to get an confirmation that the card was sent and read. This way I don't freak out or get nervous if I find that she didn't ever read it.
I just hope I don't get an email with her freaking out unnecessarily again.:rolleyes:

[fiberowendy2000]

Well no word from my sister about the ecard.
Oh well, I tried.