OT: I need to talk about Lynn....

[Nik-key]

I know this is off topic, but I consider you all my friends and I could use some right about now.

As you all know I have come to the painful conclusion that Lynn needs to be placed in a nursing home. His personal care has become too much for me to manage. His physical and emotional abuse escalated. His children and I found a place really close to home that we all thought was wonderful. The problem was they said the waiting list was extensive and it could be well over a year before he was placed.

I just couldn't put him in the other homes! So I talked with his doctor and he upped his Antipsychotic medication to help with the abuse so I could try to keep him home longer. It has helped, we had an incident this week, but the meds were re-adjusted yesterday.

So, I was resigned that he needed to be placed.. and I was resigned to it taking around a year before it would happen. I had a court date Tuesday and was granted guardianship. I just put the final paper work in for the chosen nursing home not 2 weeks ago.

Imagine my shock when I got a phone call early this afternoon from the nursing home telling me they have a bed ready for Lynn :thud: :eek:

I am not ready for this!!! I have talked to his son and his sister. We will have to make a decision by tomorrow. I am shaking, throwing up and just a nervous wreck. I was told a year, so I set my mind to that.... now they are talking next week!!! ACCCCCCCCCCCCCCCCK.

I want to do what is best for Lynn. But, I just don't know what that is!
:Bang-Head:

Ever feel like it is just one thing after another? :Sinking:

Thanks for letting me vent:hug: Nikki

[doxiemama]

Oh Nikki!!! I had to come out of my lurking stage to say that it is time to place Lynn in a nursing home. From what I have read, you have done all you can for him at home. It will be better for both of you. You will be a better caretaker and wife for him. You can see him often and because you are better rested and in a calmer environment at home, you can meet his needs beter at the nursing home.

You have been in my thoughts and prayers,

Doxie

[Alffe]

I can only imagin how difficult this is for you Nikki but my gut reaction is for you to go for it....who knows when another bed will open and I think you need to say yes now. March is looming and that will be difficult enough with the anniversary of your dads' death.

Having him close enough to visit often makes a tremendous difference.
Even if he doesn't know you...you know him and can see how well he's being cared for. What does his son and sister think?

Watch the mail for a pkg...it will arrive when you'll need it most I think. :grouphug:

[Curious]

Nikki, first take a deep breath.

You can do this. A week is fast, but it can be done.

We can't tell the Lord we need our prayers answered in the time frame we think is right. He answered when He knew was right. He answered before March.

Give it to the Lord Nikki, He knows what is right.

You will get to be the wife and friend to Lynn. Not his nurse and caregiver.

:hug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

I agree with Alffe Mom here . I have been praying so dang hard for something to speed this one situation along. So you can have what small bit of time is left with your mom. so you do not have to live as you have been .You are suffering just having to watch and deal with this 24/7...ontop of all you other issues and health.
I also say take this oppertunity as it is best for Lynn and best for all others including you. I know you want him comfortable and well cared for in a place that is close to you. ..hint hint.:hug:
One step at a time and this is just one step right ?right!!
we ARE all right here for you.
tons of love on you Angel friend warrior Nikki.
Always keeping you and your family in my prayers for courage and strength. May God guide you towards doing what is best . what is best not what is easy as I know this is terribly hard to do :( !!!!
:hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

PEACE
BMW

[Koala77]

Nikki, I agree with the others. I can imagine the shock you must be feeling right now. Getting psyched up to do something in a year, is definitely not the same as suddenly deciding to do it in a week. Especially something like this.

You know I was a nurse, so please believe me when I say that I've seen other wives go through exectly the same decision as you're going through now, and as much as you feel you've accepted the decision to place Lynn in 12 months time, when that 12 month period has ended, you still would be feeling much the same as you are now.

The time is right now Nikki. The Lord knows you both need this, and that you both need it now. :hug:

[Spanish Moss]

It sounds like God's timing is perfect...as things have escalated with the disease's aggression (not Lynn's) , an answer comes unexpectedly!

I, too am a nurse, and one of my best jobs was working in an Alzheimer's unit at a wonderful facility. I was there 10 years and watched the dilema of loving family members struggle with both the relief and guilt with placing their loved ones in a home.

I agree with the other wise words and add my own encouragement to accept this as a timely gift.

Lynn may get to not know your name or relationship, but I promise that he WILL know that you love him. He will be safe and there will be activities and features there that will give him a quality of life that would be hard at home. (Right, Vicky?)

I love the way Curious put it, "You will get to be the wife and friend to Lynn. Not his nurse and caregiver. "

We will be here for you, whatever you decide.

[Nik-key]

Thank you all so much :hug: I knew I could count on you all for support.... the ship may be going down, but you know your friends are right there with their life boats! Such a wonderful feeling :hug:

I just am not ready, I feel blindsided! I want to make sure I am not being selfish, that HE is ready to be in a nursing home. He still knows us some days, he loves his home and he loves our dogs. In truth, he will miss the dogs more than me! I don't know, I feel like in trying to save me, I am letting him down. Every part of my mind and body is screaming, uncle.. you have had enough!! But IS HE ready?!

I have been mourning his loss for years. In my heart I am a widow. This man is not my husband. Though I do know my husband is gone and placing him a nursing home IS the right things to do..... part of me feels I need to protect this poor lost soul. The infant trapped in this Alzheimer’s hell....... damn but I hate this disease!

I know every single thing each of you said is true. I know it!!! And yes Angel friend of mine, it is just another step... but its a doozy!!

March.......... I have been thinking about that since the call came. I truly don't know how I am to survive next month. I know I will, but I am not sure how. :( I miss Dad something fierce. Right now I am thinking Damn it Dad!!! You should be here to help me through this! :hissyfit: :Sob:

I am a wreck,.... I do want to spend time with my Mom. I want to spend time with my family and friends. I have been a prisoner to Alzheimer's for far too long. I want to find myself, I want to find time to heal, and I want to be happy again. All things each person is surly worthy of... so why do I feel so damn guilty? sigh

It is the time frame. It is just much too soon! I was planning on a year. I know it would be just as hard a year from now, but I would have had more time to get use to it:eek: As my favorite saying says about plans.. "if you want to hear God laugh, tell Him your plans" How true huh? Curious, I DO believe God is much smarter than I! I will try to remember that while we are making our choice.

Alffe, you are so sweet, thank you for all your support this week..... as for his sister, she feels now. And all her reasons are valid. His son, (the co-guardian) was hoping for more time at home. But we haven't had much time to talk. He is suppose to call me tonight. We need to come to an agreement, so I can call them tomorrow.

Yes - right, isn't always easy is it? ACCCCCCK!

Thank you all, so much! :hug:

[Nik-key]

Thank you Moss and Koala :hug:

I guess I am seeing it would be just as hard in 12 months. Seeing your posts, as nurses was like a light bulb went off in my head. THIS IS why nursing homes are out there. I imagine no one ever "wants" to place their loved one! I know he would be safer, no more worries about fires and such.. and I know they would be able to handle his hygiene issues better than I can. If I knew he would have nurses like you two and goofy, it would be an easier choice :hug:

I keep thinking, it isn't now or never. Another bed will open up eventually. But, I can't ignore the timing either... I have always been a believer in everything happens for a reason. Lots to think on! His son will be calling this evening, and I will let you all know.. and thanks again :hug:

[Spanish Moss]

"part of me feels I need to protect this poor lost soul. The infant trapped in this Alzheimer’s hell"

Nikkey, "protecting" him might actually be allowing him to take this opportunity that has opened up. Safe, monitored, and with every opportunity for you to visit and love him - best of both.

Caregivers are there for 8 hours - how much easier it is to be patient and loving and nurturing knowing you can go home after a shift - not having to live it 24/7. I know this to be true.



"But IS HE ready?!"

If Lynn could have seen into the future and known what your life would look like when he was "himself".... what would he tell you to do?

[Nik-key]

"But IS HE ready?!"

If Lynn could have seen into the future and known what your life would look like when he was "himself".... what would he tell you to do?

I KNOW the answer!! But my heart is having a hard time listening....

and his son isn't answering my phone call....hmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Not like I am on enough pins and needles? acccck

[Doody]

It sounds like God's timing is perfect...as things have escalated with the disease's aggression (not Lynn's) , an answer comes unexpectedly! ... I agree with the other wise words and add my own encouragement to accept this as a timely gift.

I couldn't agree more. This is a timely gift and much needed for you all. :hug:

[just drea]

Dear Nik...I get where you are, I been there, not with a spouse...with my Mom. It will be many emotions overwhelming you, and no matter how much you would have tried to prepared, it would still be tough.
I was also, wanting to accept one place for Mom to reside, and was both glad and sad, when she was accepted.

It is gonna be alright...lots here saying prayers for all of you. The doggies maybe can visit some days.....all will fall into it's proper place.

[Abasaki]

Dearest Nikki....

I have but a virtual hug to offer (:hug:) and to let you know that I understand that first step is a doozy....

I offer my hand to help you step and I know I'm not alone...you will have many hands to hold you and keep you steady as you go.

The most important decisions we have to make in life are never easy. And decisions are NEVER easy when we have to make it for someone that we love and care for...we want the best for them.

Nikki... you are a strong, brave, and loving woman. I don't have much to offer as I have never been in your shoes... I will keep you and Lynn in my prayers and trust that God will guide you and comfort you in this stressfull time.

:hug:
With Much Love,
Abbie

[who moi]

Dear Lynn,

when your beloved nik-key showed us your weeding photo, we saw a man with such a content smile that would make anyone envious...

when she shared with us the pain that you are going through, it curled our toes and tugged at our hearts...and at times, made us shed some tears...

when there is such strong love between two people, it is hard to let the other person go because that just is...

when one mixed mud with water to form clay, it would be hard to separate the water from the mud especially when the mold has been broken and the clay has been reshaped again and again as you two walked through the life of love and now that clay is so mixed with tears and love and more tears and more love that it is now so bonded that no one would be able to break that...

so now there you lie, in a state where you are of unknown...nobody can truly say if one thing is better for you or the other because no one truly knows...

one can only rely on what your actions and reactions are and even that, has now become hard to distinguish...

but I know somewhere, deep in your heart as you must love Nik so very much that even though you may NOT appear to be able to tell her, that it IS in there somewhere...and that in your deepest of hearts...that you'd want nik to do the right thing...you'd want her to look after herself...

you would want to communicate the love that you have for her, that we all have to let go sometimes...but that doesn't DIMINISH the love you two have for one another...And if you were at the other end of the earth, and she on this end, in which your heart to hers is bonded so deeply that nothing will separate you two, no matter what happens...

in the end, flesh is just flesh and soul is what binds us...and I know that is what you would want to tell her...because that's exactly what I would tell my beloved moss, when it is time to let me go if it shall ever come to this...

Lynn, I hope nik will make the right decision for you, for her, for the whole...and that whatever it is in the end, through all the tears and aches, that behind all that...that I KNOW that you'll want to tell her that in this life time, she has brought you such happiness that even if it was just for a split second...it is a lot more than a lot of people would ever have experienced...

I know that you'll tell her that there are people out there that would've never have find the type of love that you two have shared for all their lives...so that even though the duration of the love between you two are so short...that it was definitely candle in the wind...it shined brightly in the darkness...and that it will last as long as she and you both shall live AND BEYOND...

Lynn, I hope in your none communicative state, you'll be able to help nik make the right decision...and whatever that is...you'll be etched in her heart forever...no matter where you go...

[Nik-key]

Ohhh ((Moi)), you did me in :Sob: When I saw you had written, I almost didn't read it because I just knew you were going to write something from that beautiful heart of yours:hug: As much as I did indeed cry, it warmed my heart more than I can tell you. Thank you for being you, and for sharing you with me:hug:

((Abbie)) you may have never walked in my shoes.. but you have much to offer! Thank you for your kind words and support. :hug:

((drea)) thank you, it is a mixture isn't it? This IS where we want him to be... but we don't want him to go. sigh

((doody)) ((doxie)) ((alffe)) ((Moss)) ((BMW)) ((koala)) ((Mistiis)) ((Curious))
You all helped make a very difficult night, better for me -with your show of love and support. Thank you! :grouphug:

I never did get a chance to talk to the son I was wanting to... but I did talk to his daughter, his sisters and I know how his other two boys feel.... all of us are in a reluctant agreement that we should place him now. :Sob: We will wait to talk to his other son tomorrow before we make a final decision. I just want to make sure everyone is in full agreement.

Everyone is right, I will never be ready. It will be this hard no matter when we place him. But I can tell you this... when he cries, and asks me, why can't I go home? I just want to go home! It is going to finish me off :Sob: :Sob:

They are talking wed at the latest…..I will talk to the son in the morning... then I will place the call to the home..... then I will come here and fall apart. Just giving you all fair warning :o :(

Much love and many thanks :grouphug: Nikki

[Curious]

Nikki, find out if they will let the dogs visit. Even if it's just outside.

I have to log off now, but I'm going to PM you tomorrow.

:hug:

A little plaque a dear woamn gave me as wedding gift that sits on my nightstand says: Before you go to bed, give your troubles to God, He will be up all night anyway.

[who moi]

..... then I will come here and fall apart. Just giving you all fair warning :o :(

and when you do, we'll be here waiting with open arms, nik...

[FeelinGoofy]

Nik-key.....There are so many things i want to say but my thoughts are so scattered right now...I agree with what everybody else has said. I think this is the right thing to do. Gods timing does not always go with what we think it should be. Grab this opportunity and know you are doing what is not only best for Lynn but also for yourself.
I've found it takes about a week for them to adjust to their new environment. Setting up their room with familiar things will make the adjustment easier. Dont go out and buy new stuff, at least not for Lynn.
You will get through this and remember we will always be here to listen and support you. :hug:
Vicky

[GmaSue]

I am so sorry, Nikki. It is so hard. Besides parents, I have also had to make the decision to place my adult daughter in a facility. I miss her so much, but it is where she needs to be. Sometimes you can see it much more clearly after you place them. :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

No surprise, I can't sleep. I keep going through everything... the pros and the cons... and then going in circles. Should I , shouldn't I?

I think the hardest part for me is the worry if he will be ok. Will he adjust? Will he cry? Will he plead to come home? How do I find the strength to walk away and leave him there in that kind of pain? I'm not sure I can! :Dunno: :Noooo:

Like I said in other posts, I have had to separate him into two people. "My Lynn" who is gone, who I will always love. And this poor bugger trapped in Alzheimer Hell. I love this stranger he has become, because he holds the ghost of my husband. I love him because he is an innocent victim, and I want to protect him.

Goofy, Moss and Koala... do most patients adjust? What will the staff do if he cries? Is there a game plan? Do they divert him? I know what they told me.. but I want to know what you have seen and lived. In short, I trust you more.

One thing I really like about this nursing home is unlike the others I visited who would send him to the psyche ward at the hospital if he has an "episode" - at this place they have their own doctors right there who would adjust and monitor his medications. They have doctors on call 24/7.

I just want what is best for him! If I could only know he would adjust and be as happy as he could be. He has such little quality of life here. He loves his dogs and clings to me. He is up only when I force him .. other than that he would stay in bed all day and night!! I just don't have the skills he needs.

I keep thinking I am failing him. I know that sounds ludicrous... I would tell anyone else the same thing. But this is me, judging me... and I am a hard judge. I feel if I have anything left, anything! I have not done my best. I have let him down.

Alzheimer's has become my personal war. I have fought it for years, every day -blow for blow.. sometimes I even win a battle or two. Even knowing this is a war I could never win, I still had to try! Now, the war is over, and Alzheimer's has won........ :Sob:

I keep thinking, others have had to do this, ((Sue)) I can't imagine :(..... but others, are not me, and they are not Lynn. I am going to lay down, TRY to - let go -let God............

Again, thank you all so much for being here for me :grouphug:

[GmaSue]

Nikki-Would it be possible for you to stay there for awhile-a few days for example? Until he is kid of settled in. Have them give you a cot for the night.
And then you could spend increasingly amounts of time in the lounge-checking on him whenever you felt you needed to or wanted to. And then gradually spending more and more time away from the facility. maybe at first-just drive down to a nearby coffee shop for a snack. And gradually increase it until you felt like staying home overnight.

I always felt better leaving copious notes written out legibly and organized into subjects. Even if the caregivers did not read them, it showed them how much I cared and I think that made them take a little special care.

Having them use blankets and pillows from home made me feel better anyway. They looked more comfy and tucked in.

There always comes a time (and I know this both sides-as the family member who felt it-and as the nurse who saw the recognition in a family member's eye as to what just happened) when a loved one who was totally dependent on a family caregiver, suddenly grabs for the hand of the professional caregiver or leans into them for comfort or support or just simply has a fairly good day, considering~~~and a flash of jealousy and resentment snaps throught the air~~~"wait, that is my place". But it seems like soon after that is when you can feel like-"You know what? It's O.K. They are there for them. And that's O.K. I want them to be there for them."

One thing that might help is to not forget that you have options. Go day by day. The first day that you leave him, you will not be leaving him there forever. You are leaving him there for that day because that is the best choice that day. Then the next day, you are leaving him their for that day. It's not just semantics, it is the reality.

I think the fact that they are willing to not hospitalize for exacerbations will make all the difference in the world in terms of comfort and continuity of care.

Your dear hubby would not have wished this courageous job on you for the world-but he would be very proud of you for doing it.

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

[Nik-key]

((Sue)) such a beautiful post .. thank you:hug: They wont allow me to stay with him, there isn't room. It is only about 20 minutes from home, so I could visit him as much as I felt he needed, or I needed.

I know several of the nursing homes I visited thought I should stay away for the first week, possibly two- to make the period of adjustment easier for him. I know part of that is because I seem to be the target of the aggression. This nursing home has no policy, it is up to you. I don't want him to feel I am abandoning him! But I also want to make his adjustment as easy for him as I can. I think it is one of those things you just can't know until it happens.

See the thing is I had this all planned. By 6 months time I was going to have a bag all packed for him. I was going to blow up his favorite pictures for his walls, get him a couple of stuffed dogs, some of his clothes and his favorite painting of me... I was going to have it all ready for when this call came. Much like a woman packs a maternity bag in advance. So much for plans huh? Course I could still stick with this plan, but is that the best thing?

I just don't know....I am torn.

I like your day to day theory. Thank you :hug: It does seem so final doesn't it. I told my best friend, I feel like I am putting another nail in his coffin. I know it isn't true, but .... I am going to try your theory, see if it can settle my stomach down.

His nurse will be here at 9, I know she wants to talk to me. I also know she thinks it is time. The other reason she is coming is to look at Lynn's bed sore. I only found it because he had a bad bathroom accident and I had to help him clean up. He HATES this, he will not let me help him bathe. When I saw that bed sore, I burst into tears. I WANT to care for him, but he wont let me. I keep thinking if he was in a nursing home, they would have known....

Perhaps when I put all of your kind thoughts, the "experts advice" and what I know all together, it will give me strength to do what I know I should. I keep thinking, you will never be ready! And if you pass this up, you will just go through all of this again... sigh

[FeelinGoofy]

Nikkey,
I prayed that God would give you some peace about this decision you are having to make.
When you said "I keep thinking you will never be ready and if you pass this up you will just go through all of this again"

You are so right about that. you will never be ready to put Lynn someplace else. I remember at work one day I was walking across that back parking lot and this lady and her daughter was walking away from the building that we have our memory care residents in. They both were crying. I asked them if I could help them and the older lady explained that she had just moved into the independent living and had put her husband in the alzheimers unit.

She just talked and talked and was saying the exact things that you have been saying. All i could do was listen and give her and her daughter a big hug and assure them that they had done the right thing.
Her name is JoAnn. It took about a week but Joanns husband did adjust. I dont think you need to stay away a whole week, but a couple days would make things easier for Lynn. And dont be surprised that the first time you visit That Lynn will tell you all the horrible things they are doing and how mean the staff is and how bad the food is...... (its not true!!!)

Lynn will get ALOT of stimulation there. We do many different activities with our residents and the nurses are constantly checking them making sure their physical needs are being taken care of. As you know its a 24/7 job and one person just can NOT do it alone.
Back to Joann.... her and I have become very close. She just recently had to move her husband to another facility. He is in the last stages of alzheimers and she moved him to the Veterans Center. They have a wing for memory care people and she got assistance from the Veterans to help with the financial end of it.
I agree with you about hating Alzheimers. Its an evil disease. It steals your mind and slowly shuts down your body. My thoughts are still pretty scattered. I wish I could put you in touch with Joann. She is such a neat lady. I have to leave for work, today is our valentines parties. It will be a very busy day for sure.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Nikki....:hug:

[who moi]

nik,

the tapestry of friends and their advices is just such, I think, that we take each person's experience and advice (bits of it) that correlate to us the most...it is like a cut and pasting, bits of this and parts of that and making it make sense to us...because we're all so different and no two people are alike...

hopefully, there would be enough from many here that care about you for you to be able to pull from here and there to help you make the decision you need to make...

in the end, if you are NOT ready, you are NOT ready...although you may never be ready...you know what I mean?? I think this is taking that "leap of faith" comes in...

If you were lead to a bridge by a stranger and that bridge is dilapidated and worn but he's telling you that it's OK to cross it and there's no way back, you might have to take that leap of faith by putting your trust in this stranger...

in faith, that Stranger is not a Stranger because some folks call him "God"

God is not a stranger, of course, but at times, he/she can seem far away. It can seem that he/she just isn't listening to our prayers or our pleas or what not...thus God him/herself becomes the stranger but deep within, the person of faith will finally put their trust in him/her...

maybe it is more of a percentage thing, right now you're 30/70...30% ready and 70% not ready..

perhaps you DO feel the need to wait until you're 70/30...if so, then that is so...

for me, I know that it takes great strength to hold on...but it takes a even greater strength to let go, sometimes...

I volunteered at a Children's hospital some years ago...and was lucky enough to have been there when one of them was near death and I got to held her hand when she passed for she and I have bonded like no other...it was very hard to let go once she's passed but it was a gift....she went peacefully and I know that she was ready to go even though I know she wasn't ready as well (I don't want to bore you with the conversations that we had or such, just that from our conversations and visits that I know).

The way she passed was a gift to me...it taught me a few things...one of them was to let go when need be...not saying it is EASY....just that it was something that I learned...

*sigh...as I sigh deeply for you and wish that we can ease your burden somehow, but all we can do is be here for you in this here them forum...

hopefully, you've got some rest, dear friend...

there IS one thing about you that moss and I talked about a bit that we both admire...
you are one of those that have a STRONG inner core that not a lot of folks have...and it IS from that strong core that you'll will pull yourself together and fight through all the pains, tears, and pressures and pains, and in the end, make the right decision....

our love and thoughts are with you...

[Alffe]

I am so reminded....Let go, Let God...when you take that leap, He will either catch you or teach you how to fly.

Praying for you Nikki and reading everyones responses I'm reminded of how much love and support there is in this forum family. :grouphug:

[barbo]

Nikkey,
I prayed that God would give you some peace about this decision you are having to make.
When you said "I keep thinking you will never be ready and if you pass this up you will just go through all of this again"

You are so right about that. you will never be ready to put Lynn someplace else. I remember at work one day I was walking across that back parking lot and this lady and her daughter was walking away from the building that we have our memory care residents in. They both were crying. I asked them if I could help them and the older lady explained that she had just moved into the independent living and had put her husband in the alzheimers unit.

She just talked and talked and was saying the exact things that you have been saying. All i could do was listen and give her and her daughter a big hug and assure them that they had done the right thing.
Her name is JoAnn. It took about a week but Joanns husband did adjust. I dont think you need to stay away a whole week, but a couple days would make things easier for Lynn. And dont be surprised that the first time you visit That Lynn will tell you all the horrible things they are doing and how mean the staff is and how bad the food is...... (its not true!!!)

Lynn will get ALOT of stimulation there. We do many different activities with our residents and the nurses are constantly checking them making sure their physical needs are being taken care of. As you know its a 24/7 job and one person just can NOT do it alone.
Back to Joann.... her and I have become very close. She just recently had to move her husband to another facility. He is in the last stages of alzheimers and she moved him to the Veterans Center. They have a wing for memory care people and she got assistance from the Veterans to help with the financial end of it.
I agree with you about hating Alzheimers. Its an evil disease. It steals your mind and slowly shuts down your body. My thoughts are still pretty scattered. I wish I could put you in touch with Joann. She is such a neat lady. I have to leave for work, today is our valentines parties. It will be a very busy day for sure.
You are in my thoughts and prayers Nikki....:hug:

You are in an awful place right now Nikki, but it will get better as you see Lynn adjust to his new surroundings. In the meantime be as good to yourself as posssible. Take something to help you sleep, if you can. My thoughts are with you.

[Nik-key]

Tuesday... he is going to the nursing home on Tuesday.... :Sob: :Sob:

I just can't find the words to thank you all for your support. You have no idea how much you have helped me. Every one of your posts effected me, and gave me much needed strength. And yes Alffe, what a wonderful family we have here:grouphug:

God this just sucks!! I have been mourning Lynn's loss, each new loss every single day for years...I have been grieving over Dad... the two together may just destroy me........ It wont.. cause I wont let it! Perfect storm be damned. I have life boats all around me, all I need to do is reach for them :grouphug:

Let go -Let God. I have talked to God alot this past year. I have been praying for strength and guidance..... seems He decided to send me a solution. One I am not ready for, but a much needed one.

I need to take him to the clinic, his nurse is worried there might be some break down under the healed bed sore :eek: I will be back later..... I just wanted to stop by and let you know the decision has been made. :(

Tuesday!! :thud: :thud: :holysheep:

[DMACK]

Dear Nik-key:hug:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xcsREFqHISs

lyrics
WE WILL MEET AGAIN
You've gone away, left us today
For another place and time
With so much more to give, so much life to live
So much love you've left behind
That's what makes it hard for me
That what makes it so unfair
I only know that someday, somewhere

We will meet again
We will meet again
Though I must let you go
I know it's not the end
It may take a lifetime
But wait for me my friend
Cause I promise you
We will meet again
Now it seems like we're worlds apart
But we're connected at the heart, oh
There's still memories to be made
And I won't be afraid, no

We will meet again
We will meet again
Though I must let you go
I know it's not the end
We will meet again
We will meet again
For I promise you
We will meet again

Though I must let you go
I know it's not the end
wait for me my friend
We will meet again
For I promise you
We will meet again.


David

[Doody]

(((Nikki))) :hug: As hard as it is for you, I'm happy for your decision because...we also want you to be able to take care of yourself. You have so much to deal with as it is.

And 20 minutes away...that's wonderful. You can visit him often, and then go home and rest. And those bed sores...yes, they are awful and the good people at his new home will help him with those kinds of things.

Much love. :hug:

[Addy]

Everyone, including you, has spilled out their hearts... and I will add to it all by giving you a gentle hug :hug:

this isn't easy.

Life isn't easy.

you ever going through it with courage and support! :Heart:

:sing: Addy

[Koala77]

.......Goofy, Moss and Koala... Do most patients adjust? What will the staff do if he cries? Is there a game plan? Do they divert him? I know what they told me.. But I want to know what you have seen and lived. In short, I trust you more.

Dear Nikki,

I wanted to answer your questions as best I could and to do so, I've done it in point form. I thought that might be easier.

* Do they adjust? Yes, they do. Some adjust quickly... Some in a few days, some take a week or two, but they all adjust..... I promise you! :hug:

*What will they do if he cries? If it's a good establishment (and it sounds like the one you're talking about is.....) some-one will sit with him. They'll hold his hand and/or rub his forehead, and they'll say comforting words. I used to cuddle them.... make them feel loved because unfortnately lots didn't realise I wasn't one of the people that they knew.

Each establishment has differing ways to comfort their residents. I cannot say how this place will do so, but I think if you ask Goofy... She'll tell you. The basics are pretty well world wide.

*Is there a game plan? Yes there will be. You need to have input for the plan that's created for Lynn, and you need to be a big part of that plan if it's going to work for the two of you. Only you know what he likes.... What calms him.... What upsets him. These things are important to working out all the criteria that will ensure an easy transition for him ....and for you!

*Will they divert him? Yes Nikki...they will. As much as you have tried to maintain a home, and be a wife and "mother' to Lynn, I doubt that you've ever had many spare minutes to entertain him, or yourself for that matter. :hug:

Most of the units like the one Lynn will go to, have occupational therapists (that's what they're called here in Oz), to entertain the residents of the facility. These are people employed to make sure clients like your Lynn get the best care they can.........and that also means making them feel at home, and keeping them occupied to prevent boredom.



As you can see, I'm not just talking nursing care... I'm talking about self respect. About entertainment, about making your darling feel a part of the community, even if that community is a dementia unit.

The good units usually allow family members to be part of planning their relative's care plan. They do it without trying to belittle any attempts by the family at making their loved one's transition as painless as possible.

Nobody blames you Nikki, in fact many of us are astounded at the wonderful job you have already done. Many of us are questioning ourselves.... Wondering if we could function at the same exceptional pace as you have.

Dear sweet Nikki. The time appears to be right for Lynn to move, even though you're not ready. I understand, I really do, but the Lord has intervened in this Nikki. It's up to you now whether you take His advice or not.

Sending you hugs at this very difficult time, and please know Nikki that most of us understand the emotional pain you're going through right now, trying to make that decision.

:hug: :hug: :hug:

[Nik-key]

I have been awake for over 42 hours and yet sleep will not come. Grief, it is a hard thing to overcome. I keep thinking, if there CAN be a blessing with Alzheimer’s, it is that Lynn doesn't know what has happened to him. I keep thinking about the earlier stages, when he knew what was happening to him.. when he pleaded, cried and begged for me to help him end his life.

Of course I couldn't!!!! But, there are worse things than death. This is surly one of them. Not for him, because he is in his own little world. But for me, this is so much harder than if he had died. This is a slow torturous death. You watch helpless as your loved one is being taken away from you inch by inch.

Talking with those of you who have knowledge about nursing care, talking with the staff at the nursing home, his nurse and the doctors.. have made me see this IS a good thing for Lynn. It is going to be one of the hardest things I have ever done!!! But, I know he will be safe there, I know they can care for him better than I can. And though I will miss him, I truly do want what is best for him.

I talked with the staff today when I went over. They will help Lynn adjust, they will surround him during this time of transition. We will take it day to day to see if I should visit, or stay away. I see their point, he is not going to remember if I was there, and it would be easier for him to adjust if I wasn't there. *sigh

I know this is best. I will have time to fall apart, and then the healing can begin. For the loss of Dad, and Lynn. I need that. Then, when he is settled, I can visit him without all the stress I have caring for him at home. Right now I am thinking I could go twice a day, share lunch and dinner with him. OH! and I can bring one dog with me to visit him, right in his room!!!

This is the answer to my prayers, I know it. Thank you all for helping me see that. I know at least 2 of his children will be coming with me on Tuesday. As they said, we saw you at your Dad's funeral, you had to be held up, you had to be dragged off his grave.. we can't let you face this alone. As much as I wish they had offered more help with his care, I am deeply moved they are thinking about me during this difficult time.

K, I have NO idea what I just typed... but kept my mind busy for a bit. I want to crawl in a hole and over think things, get depressed... but I wont.... I am going to face this head on! Just as my Daddy taught me.

Much love, and so many thanks:hug: Nikki

[Nik-key]

ohhh dear Anne,,, you just brought me soooo much peace! You have no idea:hug: Thank you so much for taking the time to reassure me this way, it means the world to me! You are such a beautiful soul:hug: I am going to go fall apart for a bit...... but again, some of it good! Like my blessing in friends like you :hug:Much love my friend:hug:

[who moi]

nik,

day by day...one step, one day at a time...

and if when Lynn goes in and you find that it just ISN'T for the BOTH of you...

there are always other ways: another place, bringing him back home, hiring someone else to help...of course, all within your resources...

will you beat yourself up? Of course you will. But that's OK as long as you don't let it eat at you until there's nothing left. Will it be sad? Of course it will, as long as you don't let it shut ALL your doors...will you want to tear your hair off? Well, there's always hair club for women and you can be the president (OK, joking...)....

all those are going to be HUMAN emotions that you'll be going through...just don't let them get you to the point that it will shut you off from the world...

(btw, I am not telling you anything that you DON'T know for I know you know all that I've mentioned...but sometimes, it is good for all of us to have a reminder...:) )

I love what Anne said: "Nobody blames you Nikki, in fact many of us are astounded at the wonderful job you have already done. Many of us are questioning ourselves.... Wondering if we could function at the same exceptional pace as you have."

it's true...

right now a skipping stone has been thrown to the lake of your soul and it is rippling...let it ripple...when that ripple ends, the lake will be calm again...let that stone skip for now and follow that ripple...it'll end..sooner or later...

as for your sleeplessness...well, I have just what the doctor ordered..

LOOK UP!!!!

http://www.erikjheels.com/Images/articles/2006-12-08-anvil-istock1462798e-270x270.jpg

http://z.about.com/d/exercise/1/0/c/a/Modifiedtriangle.jpg

[Nik-key]

((Moi)) Don't ever change:hug: Thank you for the kind words to sooth my battered soul.. love the skipping stone on the lake analogy:hug: and for bringing a smile to my face.:hug: Much love, Nikki

[who moi]

nik,

I have never tried "battered soul" before...have had battered chicken, battered fish, and battered fun guys(shrooms), heckit, even battered fried twinkies (not twinkle's toes, maybe battered twinkled fingers cause she's a lady, wait, is she?? *moi, snap outta it!!!!...but never battered soul...

I'll take an order away from you if I could...((((BIG HUGS))))

here's a thought:

"SOS forum drive-thru restaurant:"

on the menu:

"Battered Soul"
"Tear Soup"

Anyone wants help me create a menu?

~~~~~~~~~~~

Change? The only thing I am NOT changing are diapers... LOL

(((BIG HUGS))) dear friend, hope that anvil is "kicking in"

[Nik-key]

This is just an awful analogy!!! But it is how I feel. I find I am trying to steel my heart, much like one does when they have to put their beloved pet down. You know you have to do it, you don't want to.. but you love them enough that you do. You dread the day, that is what Tuesday feels like to me ....

I know, it isn't as final as that. But it feels it, he is gone... yet I have to keep saying painful goodbyes... over and over and over again*sigh

I am trying to think of how good this will be for him... and how I will be able to find life and start living again. I am planning a big vacation for Sept. It gives me something good to think about. Thanks for helping me to just keep swimming:hug:

[Alffe]

Remember that's it's good to float on your back sometimes and let us hold you up. :grouphug:

[Wren]

:hug: :hug: :hug: Sending up prayers for you

[Spanish Moss]

Dear Nikkey,

I want to respond to your questions and echo and definite affirmation to what Koala already said. Here...on the other side of the earth...it is the same.

Your Lynn will be treated as the individual he has always been. You will help the staff to know him and teach them what works. If diversion works...they will do that. If singing or music works....they will sing. If just holding works....they will hug. If walking works...they will walk. If one thing works yesterday but not today....another will be tried.

Our activity and nursing staff learned everything they could about each person and each interaction was sprinkled with that knowledge and affirmation. For example, a man good with his hands might be greeted with, "HI Tom! How is my favorite handy man?"
Birthdays would be celebrated, children frequently present, families always welcomed. EAch person was treated with dignity and as an individaul.

You have opened a floodgate of wonderful memories for me as I remember precious moments with these special people and their families.
Of Annie....who sang her way through her days like a never ending opera.
Of Laura....who thought her roomate was trying to rent her "apartment".
Of Norma...who would look to have me sing "Hello Norma" (to the tune of "Hello Dolly") before she would take her pills
Of Francis...who would take visiting children for a wheel chair ride and play the piano
Of Russell...who told me his WWII story often each day til I could say it by heart
Of Carmie...who didn't know the nice bald man but looked forward to him bringing her a donut each day and sit and hold her hand (her husband) .
Of Harold...who was always trying to "fix" things and would make us laugh with his sense of humor
Of Tom...whose wife would lie in bed next to him and just hold him
Of Helen...who would tell me of her babies and be so content holding a doll
Of Paul...who loved to dance
Of Josephine...alway "going" somewhere with her purse slung on her shoulder.

I can tell you there were way many more smiles than tears. Many more giggles than growls. Many more hugs than hits.

Forgive my wanting to indulge my memories. I just want you to know that one day soon, Lynn's and Nikkey's lives will be entwhined with new, caring people who will help Lynn have a "beautiful sunset", while holding your hand during the last goodbye.

Now I am crying with you....

[mistiis]

Dear Nikki I have been in Nursing too and worked on the private wing in a nursing home and taken care of Alzheimer's patients myself. IT WILL BE OK. Change is hard, but adjustment happens, and it WILL be healing! God is giving you the opportunity and time you need with your dear mother. And I am overjoyed that you have made this hard decision. And we will be here for you as you walk through it!

Moi, I want to add to that menu of yours:
Fried wings of hope....:hug: :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

Thank you all.. very much:hug:

Moss:hug: I can hardly see through the tears... but I wanted to thank you for sharing your heart with me. You have given me hope and peace, such a gift :hug:

[FeelinGoofy]

I've got big ole tears in my eyes too Moss..... Memories....

Harold... Telling me i've got nice legs for a big gal LOL
June... ALWAYS playing the piano. it amazed me that she never forgot how to do this.
Flo....my sweet flo... she always called me her sister.
Dorthy...nonverbal except for the word "wonderful" most often heard during meal time....
Betty...Mother of 10 who always thought she was pregnant and carried a baby doll around with her.
J.P. a very quiet man who needed hugs several times a day, and he got them!!!
Kandy...her and I shared the same birthday. She loved Bananas. when she would not eat anything else she'd always eat a peanutbutter and banana sandwich.

Nikki, I know this was a hard decision for you but I can guarentee Lynn will receive the best of care. The people who work with memory care residents are a special breed. Not everyone can do it. Not everyone likes it, but for those of us who DO do it.... we love our jobs, and we love our residents.
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that the Lord has called me to do what I do. Thats why i've stuck it out through the tough times.

[Nik-key]

((goofy)) Thanks you :hug: I have always thought that those who can work in nursing homes, childrens hospitals, cancer wards etc etc .. were angels on earth. I have seen the angels, and now I know more here in my SOS family :hug:

It brings me great comfort hearing from you and moss and koala... it makes me know he will not just be a faceless name, a demented old man - to those I am trusting to care for him now. :hug:

I am going through our pictures... our life.... I want to have some blown up for his walls. I want to make an album for him. And I am trying to decide if I should have a pillow or a throw done with our wedding picture..

I came across this one and couldn't help but smile, and cry....This was my last truly happy Christmas(2005). My Gram was still with us (she died on Jan 3rd) Lynn still knew and loved us, and Daddy was still here..... Life was good.... I would give anything to be able to go back there.... I played this at Daddy's service..... It is playing in my mind today... Everything I own

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=whD2TtZYejI


http://i39.tinypic.com/2hhkjza.jpg

[mistiis]

Oh dear Nikki...that song brought me to the floor in tears for you. I can feel your deep pain. ((((hugs)))) We love you...:grouphug: Loss is so hard, and especially in this way. Please do add those special touches to his room, it will touch the nurses and staff and they will be even more caring of him. I could add my own experiences with patients but its not necessary. We do love them, and care for them with love and compassion. He will get better care this way. There are more people to do it. And you will have more energy to give him even more of yourself. Take care dear friend....lots of :hug::hug::hug:ssssss and prayers.....

[GmaSue]

:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug: :grouphug::grouphug:

[Doody]

Thinking of and praying for you everyday ((Nikki)). :hug:

[Nik-key]

I know this thread is just depressing as hell..... it means so much to me that you all keep coming back to offer me your support and love:hug: Sharing in the happy times is such a blessing, but sharing in each others pain, that is a gift. One I treasure deeply. Thank you all, from the deepest part of my heart for being here for me:hug:

Lynn and I have always loved Collin Raye. He always sang two songs to me...
If you get there before I do and In this life (I was loved by you)

After Lynn was diagnosed, I heard a song about dementia... it hit me hard. It was sung by Collin Raye, so fitting. It is a sad song, but it gives me hope too. I pray for the time when - Lynn's gonna fly.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PpVXk56PhFU

She's gonna fly

This is the woman
Who had all the answers
The one I would lean on
For comfort, for strength
She's never forgotten
One grandchild's birthday
Now she can't remember my name
And it makes me so angry
I shake my fist
And cry out to the heavenly one
Why would you play
Such a cold hearted trick
I thought your job was to love
And the answer came down from above

She's gonna fly
When her time here is through
First she'll have to let go
Of some things she can't use
'Cause people and places
Memories and faces
Are just way too heavy it seems
To carry on angel's wings

This is the woman
Who saw things so clearly
The one who could pick out
One crumb on the floor
She saw through a white lie
Saw me through love's eyes
She hardly can see anymore
And it makes me so sad
And it just isn't fair
Why should so much be taken away
But when I cry out
For all that she's lost
I silently hear someone say

She's gonna fly
When her time here is through
First she'll have to let go
Of some things she can't use
'Cause people and places
Memories and faces
Are just way too heavy it seems
To carry on angel's wings

And oh, the wonders she'll see
And I know she'll remember
To watch over me

She's gonna fly
When her time here is through
First she'll have to let go
Of some things she can't use
'Cause people and places
Memories and faces
Are just way too heavy it seems
To carry on angel's wings

[Alffe]

Nikki, I don't find this thread depressing as hell but filled with your love for Lynn and our members love and compassion for you. It's painful to see what you have had to give up...are continuing to have to give up but there is such dignity in the way you share this change in your life.

*************


"Often with loss, especially if it has been sudden and untimely, we are tempted to dig in our heels at the last moment before the loss occured.
We will resist. We do not consent.

It is a way of trying to hold on to the loved one, the person we knew before tragedy struck. It is also a form of denial. To rejoin life is to accept what has happened. But it is unacceptable. We will hold our breath, living in a suspended state of noncompliance, until the universe relents, changes its mind - or least apologizes, acknowledging its crime.

This will not happen. It is we who will be bypassed. Better, as soon as possible, to realize that the terms are different now, and begin to live in this changed reality."


Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) thank you:hug:

But it is unacceptable. We will hold our breath, living in a suspended state of noncompliance, until the universe relents, changes its mind - or least apologizes, acknowledging its crime.

Wow this is a perfect mix of the grief I am going through with Lynn. Such cruelty, and yes - the worst of crimes. Reality sucks doesn't it?!

I have been sobbing all day. I had to go get some things he will need... I am trying to pack his life into one suitcase.... and going through our photos and rushing around trying to get copies made so I can have everything ready by Tuesday. Well, as "ready" as I can be.

Our wedding album was destroyed, water damage. So I have very few pictures of our special day. My favorite picture was the one where he was feeding me our cake. I couldn’t find a copy of that photo, I have searched for years. But it was in my memory ... if not Lynn‘s.

Today, while going through some older albums, I found a picture I really like of me and our horse Ebony. I took the photo out so I could have it copied... and under that photo, hidden all these years... was our wedding cake photo!! I can't begin to express the emotions that ran through me. In all this tragedy and heartache, I was given a precious memento to hold on to. Needless to say, tomorrow I am going to get two copies made. One for his room.... and one for mine. Apart, but together in my heart :hug:

God, give me strength.............. :Sob:

Much love and many thanks :hug:

[mistiis]

And He will dear Nikki.....:hug: holding you close.

[Curious]

http://dl5.glitter-graphics.net/pub/1606/1606695zjdlfd2397.gif (http://www.glitter-graphics.com)

[Twinkletoes]

(((Nikki)))

I am so sorry I have been absent from this thread. You are such an amazing woman to love Lynn so much, and yet be willing to let someone/somewhere else help you care for him. Your life has been filled with sacrifice. Lynn is so blessed to be loved by you.

What little bit of caregiving I did the past month for my dear father made me marvel at people like you who do it day after day after day.

It is so wonderful that you were able to find that wedding cake picture just when you most needed it. That will be perfect to hang on both your walls.

Bless you, dear Nikki. Surely there is a special place in heaven for selfless and loving souls like yours. :hug:

[who moi]

I know this thread is just depressing as hell.....

nik, the thread is sad in the fact that you have to talk about a person that you deeply love that you have to let go...

that IS depressing, yes...but at the same time, through the responses, I see a lot of hopes....

what Anne, foogy, and moss said about Lynn's possible care is encouraging
what everyone has posted to you are heartwarming and engaging...

you have opened up a lot of hearts with this post because almost any of us can relate to it in one fashion or another and on top of it all, it makes us think of what we would want our spouses to do if we were in either you or lynn's positions...

because ANY ONE of us could be in either one of your shoes or both...

and it is food for thought...

There are no words that I can say right now because it's gotta be so damned hard...to let go of someone/something that you so want to clutch and hold on....

even though he's only 20 minutes away you'd still feel like it's so final...that you'd want to touch and keep everything about him 20 times and over...and tears will come down and drown you as your heart falls to pieces....

it'll happen and so, please let them, let the pieces fall where they may...then, there will be times that you'll be ready, to share about why you love this man so dearly and then picking up the pieces again...

and we'll be here to help you put it back together again...

moss is really good at puzzles...as I am sure many here are as well, I suck at puzzles, but I am good with duct tape...and you know we can fix ANYTHING, with duct tape...

http://daddytypes.com/archive/duct_tape_baby_mianro.jpg

[who moi]

oops, *blushing...I meant to post this photo...didn't mean to show you that's how I babysit the grandmoisses... ;)

*moi hanging his head low and drawing in the sand with his foot...

http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/picture.php?albumid=148&pictureid=3652

[Addy]

well, Mr. Moi... even in a sad thread, we can use a laugh! ...

Nik-key... I am so sad for you sweetie.... you're in my thoughts!
:sing: Addy

[tamiloo]

Nikki, Listened to the song on you tube…my heart is hurting for you for the decisions you have had to make as a caregiver to your sweetheart. I love so much. You are in my prayers. I am just speechless at this time…I’m crying putting myself in your place if that time would ever come for me. You are my hero you know…thought I would tell you that.

One day in the eternities he will be yours again…everyone…Dad…:grouphug:

[Nik-key]

:Sob: rough day :Sob:

I can't get into the details of the day, just too painful..... I will share that I have anger in my heart aimed towards his children. I love them, but I am angry. Lynn was such a good man, a great Dad. Though I am happy they will be there when I drop him off tomorrow... I can't help but hold resentment that they were not there for him when it would have mattered. Some of them only saw him once a year for Christmas.... and right now, that ****** me off. He deserved better. Why come now? It is too late. He doesn't know them, and has zero recall. :(

Tomorrow ..... I will go in the morning to finish making his room seem more like home. Then I will sign some paperwork.. and around 2, we will bring him to his new "home" :Sob:

Part of me wants to cut and run. I don't think I can do this!! If he cries out and pleads to go home... it is going to finish breaking what is left of my heart! I feel so bad for this man. He was once so proud, brave and strong. Now he is a frightened child. Too tragic to put to words......:(

I might not be on tomorrow... or for awhile....I wont know how I handle this, until I face it. Alffe... I want to thank you.. I checked my mailbox today and had a package from you. I know you are suppose to read these types of books one day at a time... but the last 4 days seems like a year!! So I have been reading it.... and I will read more tomorrow. Thank you so much for your gift of comfort:hug:

Thank you all for sharing in my pain... for the heartfelt posts, emails, and PM's...... I am going to try to just keep swimming... you all just have those life boats ready :hug: :Sinking:

[Twinkletoes]

Awwww, Nikki, I'm so sorry about Lynn's kids. Even though he might not have remembered their visits, YOU would have! And it would have been the right thing to do.

Well, at least they're helping for a day. It's going to be a "bumpy ride" for you, sweetie.

I had a situation the day after Dad's funeral -- I wondered if there were a win-win solution so that neither party left mad or offended. I sure couldn't figure it out.

A good night's sleep and prayers revealed a logical and simple answer. Whew!

I'll keep you in my prayers. Praying for comfort and peace for you and Lynn and the kids. Bless you all. :grouphug:

[Alffe]

Dear Nikki..on my way to bed but wanted to check in on you...:hug:
His children will have to live with their own regrets, guilts..etc


Same old, same old.....you take care of you...:grouphug:

We are here for you...

[Koala77]

It's Tuesday here in Austraia Nikki, so please know for the next 24 hours.... at least..... you'll be on my mind.

Love and lots of hugs, from me.:hug:

[Nik-key]

Thanks ((Twink)) I am sure I am mad at the situation, and that is feeding the fire. But I do remember, all too well how hurt Lynn always was that his kids never came for visits or rarely called. So now my heart is breaking for him, and in that hurt, I am mad at anyone who ever hurt him.

I do have his kids support... they all know he needs to be there. I am just angry at this whole situation, and they are just a part of it. We had a minor issuse over a photo today.. one wanted more of her up... my whole world is falling apart, I have little patience for something so petty. A picture of a stranger, is not going to make him remember he has a daughter. Too little , too late.

And I am resentful to be honest, that I had to try to care for him alone, even when it was evident it was too much, such as having TIA strokes! No one came to help. Yet now, now when it is too late, they come. I told Mom, they are not doing it for him, he wont know. Why not show him you loved him when he could have relished in it? hmmmmm....There is a lesson in there..... :hug:

Thinking... tomorrow. :(

[Spanish Moss]

You are in my prayers today, Nikkey....

God, please grant generous portions of your grace, your peace, your comfort and your hope to our Nikkey and Lynn.

[Burntmarshmallow]

Angel Friend Warrior May you be over flowing with strength courage patients and hope . I hope the tears that come today wash away fast and are replaced with comfort and an inner peace that shines outwardly.May God be with you through every step you take :smileypray::smileypray::smileypray: Please know you and Lynn are in our prayers and thoughts.
:hug:
:hug:
:hug:
:hug:
:hug:
:grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

I having been trying to write down what I am feeling... but I can't find the words :Sob:

I thought I had said so many goodbyes... time after time after time... day after day- year after year.....that it couldn't hurt this badly again. Wrong :Sob: :Sob: :Sob:



http://i40.tinypic.com/2m5nrsj.jpg

LOVE REMAINS

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cx-UP1Pa-Ao

We are born one fine day
Children of God on our way
Mama smiles daddy cries
Miracle before their eyes
They protect us til' we're of age
Through it all love remains

Boy moves on and takes a bride
She stands faithful by his side
Tears and sweat they build a home
Raise a family of their own
They share joy they share pain
Through it all love remains


Kingdoms come and go but they don't last
Before you know the future is the past
In spite of what's been lost
Or what's been gained
We are living proof that love remains

I don't know baby what I'd do
On this earth without you
We all live we all die
But the end is not goodbye
The sun comes up the seasons change
But throught it all love remains
An eternal burning flame
Hope lives on and love remains

[Alffe]

This is the Hour of Lead -
Remembered, if outlived,
As Freezing persons recollect the Snow -
First - Chill -then Stuper -then the letting go -

-Emily Dickinson

One can scarcely imagine heavier images than those in the poem by Emily Dickinsonn. Yet the feeling is familiar to us - a heaviness of mind and heart.

the Chill is accurate, too - a kind of pervasive lethargy. We may find it hard to think. We forget where we put something, what we had planned to do. (It's a good time for making lists.)

But we do outlive the Hour of Lead. The will of the body and spirit is for recovery - even for growth, for there is no recovery without growth.

Even when I am feeling swallowed in an Hour of Lead, I will try to remember there will be a new time, and a new day.

** Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman


Dear Nikki....that is tomorrows reading but I thought it appropo for today.
I pray that you draw on your strength to get through this day..this dreaded, necessary day that you knew would come sometime.

Thank you for sharing that beautiful picture of your love for one another.
Memories like that are such a blessing.

Please remember that we are here for you...as Dr.Phil would say..we are your soft place to land. :grouphug:

[FeelinGoofy]

Praying for you today Nikkey!!!!!. :heartthrob:

[Doody]

Holding you close to my heart today ((Nikki)).

[who moi]

((((nik-key and Lynn))))

[just drea]

I just prayed for you and Lynn.... I will hope to see you here, wanting to help you in what ways so many here can...take care, take one day ..one hour, one minute, at a time.

And those angry feelings are not wrong to have, I had the same about my sibs when I was dealing with our Mom's dementia. I didn't waste the energy on them, they don't get it anyway..

[mistiis]

Many prayers and strength winging their way...
((((Nikki & Lynn)))))

[tamiloo]

Nikki, the Olhipie's children live only an hour and a half from us...a very nice drive. His son hasn't been to our home in three years. They always say when we are down to see them and its late...your going back tonight...as if we live hours and hours away.

They think because we are retired that we have all the time in the world for visits...they forget that the SS is followed by a D...disability...

I hope you day can have some ray of hope. Please know that we love you and pray for you many times each day...always in my thoughts...:hug::hug::hug::hug:
http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj281/olhipie/Angel%20Hugs/Angelsallaroundu.gif

[Doody]

(((Nikki))) You've been such an integral part of my thought processes today. Still holding you close. :hug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

:hug: Nikki :hug:
:hug:Lynn :hug:
:hug: :hug:
:grouphug:
:grouphug:
our thoughts and prayers for both of you have not stopped for one second . and though I am faltering for the right words to provide comfort... the fact is ... I wish I could do just that... give you comfort and strength and PEACE.perhaps knowing we are right here for you may help comfort you, give you strength and possibly a bit of peace. much love to my angel friend warrior.

[Koala77]

Nikki, you're in my thoughts. :hug:

[Nik-key]

Dear God!! What a day....... I am just getting home, and I might have to go back. I have been there since 10am!! He handled it worse than I EVER could have imagined or feared :Sob:

I am going to sit in a corner and think..... Later I will come back and read all your posts, I can't right now.. but I DO appreciate you being here for me.
God, PLEASE!!! Help Lynn :Sob:

[Koala77]

:hug: ((( Nikki ))) :hug:

[Curious]

:hug: :smileypray: :hug: :smileypray: :hug:

[Twinkletoes]

Oh dear! I am so sorry the day was even rougher than you expected.

You did the right thing, Nikki.

When my dear Mom was getting bad with her Alzheimer's, we knew she would put up a fuss about moving into assisted living. So we waited.

I called it "Waiting for Something to Break." In other words, something MAJOR had to happen to prompt a change. And finally, it did: she broke her hip. :(

How much better would it have been to place her in assisted living BEFORE she broke her hip!

NIKKI, YOU DID THE RIGHT THING!

Prayers continue to go out for you and Lynn. :hug::hug:

May you feel comfort and peace. I hope tomorrow brings a fresh start that is more positive.

[Nik-key]

I don't know..... right now I am not sure how I am going to make it. This was worse than anything I imagined. And it didn't turn out like everyone assured me it would.

We only told him he had to stay for a couple of days.. for testing. We thought that would be a nice kind white lie to help him until he could adjust. I was told that they would help him adjust, comfort him, and that he wouldn't have to go to the psyche ward, that they had a doctor on call 24/7

None of this was true. It was a day nightmares are made of. He was more than ticked off, he was devastated and heartbroken. The more his kids and others tried to convince him of why he had to stay, the worse it got.
He told me he hated his children and never wanted to see them again. He told them many things as well………….accck!! They said but your my dad! and he said I don't know you!!!

He looked me in the eyes and told me he would never forgive me :Sob: :Sob:

He was so distraught, the head nurse had to ask his kids to leave. They wanted to be there. They were trying to tell him they loved him, he wanted nothing to do with them. "Those people" is what he called them after they left. *sigh

After they left, I tried another angel. I know he doesn't remember too much... but I was crying.. and that still has the power to upset him. I told him I was crying because my head hurt.. and we went with that. I told him I had to stay there for testing.. just like before when we stayed at the hospitals and hotels with all my surgeries and testing. I made it about me staying, and wanting him to stay with me. He reluctantly agreed to stay ONE night.

He calmed down some, but he still wanted to go home. I thought they would sedate him when he got so bad, but they didn't!!!!! Then they told me the doctor would not be there until tomorrow!! So he wouldn't be able to get any medication to help him through the transition. Then they said if he became aggressive, they would send him to the psyche ward!!! ACCCCK!!! I thought you know what…. Screw this! I went to the car and got the extra meds I was going to give the nurses. I told them, you may not be able to help him.. But I can! I didn’t dare give him too much, but my doctor said to give him more ..as needed. It was needed!! It helped a little bit. *sigh

So I had to stay with him. For 10 hours.... I had to listen to him cry, plead and beg to go home. Please, please! let me come home with you. :Sob: It was brutal! Later in the afternoon I had to lay down. My head is screaming in pain. And here is where I believe God is some times cruel.

After more than 3 years of not having any real contact as man and wife. No more than a simple benign hug. Lynn... "My Lynn"... "the ghost" was released from his prison of Alzheimer's hell..... long enough to come lay with me on the bed. We cuddled for the first time in years........... fell asleep in each others arms.

now I know that is a gift! And I did thank God for it. But it is also so damn cruel!! Just when I am trying to let him go, he comes back! Briefly... but he was there.... I can't even begin to explain how bittersweet that was. I would give anything, anything! to have My Lynn back!! In that moment, I just wished God would take us both. I can't stand to see him suffer any more. I just can't!!! :Sob:

I called a little while ago, they told him I was having testing and would be back when I was done. He has zero recall, so he keeps asking for me every few minutes. :( But they said he is being sweet and kind to them, just very depressed. *sigh

I asked them to call me if he does get aggressive. I want to avoid the psyche ward at all costs!! right now, all I can do is hope and pray that the doctor gives him something to make this transition easier on him. I know they are trying to help... they keep telling me, it will be ok, he will forget all about this. The thing is I WONT!!! Ever :Sob:

I appreciate so much your prayers :hug: If you would, please say extra's for Lynn.... He needs them more than me. If he finds peace, so will I.

Again, thank you all for being here for me, and with me..... much love :grouphug:

[Koala77]

Oh Nikki! I feel for you much more than you can possibly imagine. :hug: I can call you if you need some-one to talk to. Let me know.

[Nik-key]

((Koala)) You are so damn sweet! Got me to crying again. I would dearly love to talk to you!! :hug: But, I just can't talk right now. I can't even talk to my family... I am just crying so hard. I miss him. I keep starting to go in to check on him, then I remember.. he isn't here .. our poor dogs are scratching at his door and crying.............. :Sob:

My sister and the kids have been living at my Mom's since Christmas Eve to help her out. She is doing better , and my other sister lives there as well... so they were planning on moving back home this weekend... but they are moving back tomorrow instead. I will be glad to have them back!!!

I am going to go take a hot bath..... if only Calgon could take me away. Again, ((Koala)) thank you very much!! Much love my friend:hug:

[tamiloo]

Oh, Nikkie...I just got my Craig off to sleep and decided to see how everything was going for you...words can't even begin to describe how I feel for you. I have no idea what your going through but please know that you and Lynn are near and dear to my heart....prayers...love you Nikki...:hug:

[Alffe]

(((Nikki))) This period of adjustment is going to be the hardest for you both. I know when my dad went to the nursing home, him not knowing where he was, was a blessing. But, on the days/short periods/ he did know, those were heartbreaking.

And he won't remember today...you will but you are doing what needs to be done...as Twink said..You did the right thing.

Sending prayers up that you can get some rest and eventually find some peace. I'm glad your sister and kids are moving back in...that will help. :hug:

We are here for you dear lady. :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

He is sleeping......... I am going to wait until he wakes up, to see how he reacts. Then the nurses will call me to see if I need to come over to help calm him. The morning nurse said she doesn't think the doctor will be in until tomorrow :eek: I just can't understand why there isn't a doctor there on intake to help these poor buggers out. *sigh

I DO know you are all here for me :hug: It gives me strength and courage. One day, I want to met you all. Strangers, in that we have never met face to face.... but so familiar to my heart:hug: I shutter to think what this past year would have been without you, My life lines during my "perfect storms". :grouphug: :grouphug: :grouphug:

[who moi]

nik,

I read this last night and I so feel for you...but I didn't know what to say for brain fog was kicking in and...well...sometimes, you just need to vent and cry and let it out...

I can only imagine how hard it was/is...

toward the end of my dad's life, my mom and I were to the point that we were talking about putting him in a home...but he didn't have insurance...

mom worked two jobs and I worked three and we took turns taking care of him. His med bills were outrageous...

because of his dementia, he left a cigarette in my car and blew it up...

so it did get to a point that we felt that whether we could afford it or not, we had to put him in a home...

but he passed away before that happened...

~~~~~~~~~~~

I am not trying to use your thread to post my story as I know you know that. I am trying to relate....

I thought about how tired and taxed both my mom and I were...and we talked about if my father was getting really good care...

he was awake a lot at night and couldn't sleep and we were both exhausted or I was working and didn't spent time with him when it was so late...

neither of us were too healthy mentally and physically by that point...and there were a lot of angers and unresolved issues as well...

looking back and knowing what I know now, I think we probably would've done it sooner...but my dad resisted going...he didn't wanted to talk about "death" "funeral" "caring facilities"

everytime one of us would bring that up he would get so angry and yell at us that we just stopped...

he died without a will and left my mom and me huge debts....

the day he died, none of us were around due to circumstances and he died alone....he called my mom right before he died and she rushed home to find him dead...

she thinks that if someone would've been around, he could've been saved...although only to prolong his depressed life...

what I am saying is that Lynn will of course hate where he is, it is unfamiliar...

his anger toward his children may not be just from yesterday but some hidden past and I think it might not have been a bad thing that he vocalized that...from what you've said about his children, maybe this will make them think about their actions and make them want to amend some things...I dunno...I hope so...maybe it'll make them want to come and spend more time with their father...I HOPE so...

and yes, you'll remember how he yelled and screamed and how awful it was...

but if he adjusts and start to smile, you'll remember those too times also...

it'll be bitter sweet but because you are so close to the situation right now, you won't be able to see it...

deep in MY heart, I believe that you did the right thing, for the both of you...

I wonder that with your own pain and stress, that if you were to just pass out one day while Lynn was still in your care, what would happen to him? I am sure his children would then be the ones taking him to the caring facility and I believe that transition would be even worse...at least, with you, the transition IS easier no matter how hard it seems right now....

one day, when you are able to stand outside of the situation, you'll be able to see it better and knowing you, you'll be helping others if they shall ever face this situation....

((((BIG HUGS)))) from moss and me...she kept on asking if I saw a post from you yesterday....

[just drea]

im sorry nik-key...i know what you've been through, I really do. Still praying for you both...

[mistiis]

I'm sorry dear Nikki, those moments will come and go. But they usually do quickly. That has been my experience. Memory will come through like that for a short while, and then just as quickly disappear. Holding you close and sending extra prayers for your dear Lynn. It takes time to adjust.:hug:

[Twinkletoes]

Oh Nikki! If cyberhugs could fix anything, I'd send a million.

You poor thing! I would have expected (at the very least) a doctor to be handy to prescribe some drugs to soothe Lynn. *long sigh* So glad you brought your own from home.

Surely he can't be the first resident to be anxious about the transition. Why don't they have protocol in place to help ease the change?

Just so you know, my dear Mom wasn't happy in her first two assisted living places. They were beautiful and seemed cheery to me.

It turned out the place I held as a "last resort" was where she was finally content. She quit trying to "escape." Didn't worry about little children she thought she had left behind and needed to rescue. She made a friend and they jabbered back and forth in a language that nobody else could understand.

I know you are (rightfully) discouraged. Have a backup plan in case this just doesn't work out for Lynn. But give him some time to adjust. At least a month I would think.

I am so worried and concerned about you both. Sending extra potent cyberhugs. :hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug::hug: Extra prayers, too. :smileypray::smileypray::smileypray::smileypray:

[Doody]

(((Nikki))) just how awful for you, I'm so sorry. :(

Oh I would be so mad at those people at the care facility! But then I am very bullheaded and I'm afraid they'd hear about it. When my sister was dying, well...you would not believe the scenes I made at the nursing station when Janine was in so much pain...and they KNEW she had a short time to live. Anyway....

I agree with Mr. Moi on what happened with the children. What in the world did they expect!? I also agree that it very possibly could have been it was because he knew who they were and was really ticked off that they would dare even be there, most especially on the first day! It probably really confused him. They should be ashamed of themselves, in my humble!

Okay, now that I've gotten that anger out of my system....sorry. I hate that you are going through this. :( Everyone here must be in the same place that I have been...with you on my mind every day, many many times a day.

You must be in so much pain right now - you're suffering a 'loss'. When we have major losses in our lives, it seems the ones that come after get more difficult to deal with (for some anyway, me for sure).

You have done the right thing (((Nikki))). I still hold onto the wisdom of Spanish Moss and the others who have shared their stories with you.

Another prayer just went up sweetheart. :hug:

[Nik-key]

:hug: Thank you all! :hug:

Today, was better than yesterday..... hard, but better. The doctor was able to give orders today. The medication has helped soothe him. He sees another doctor tomorrow and then the psyche team on Monday. They have asked his children to stay away. He still wants to come home of course. He keeps saying he is only staying because I have to be there. awwwwwwwwww

We are having a bad snow storm, so I had to leave earlier than I planned. Now if you don't think that was something trying to drive home in the snow. I had to stop to cry or throw up every few minutes. Lord but I am a mess.

Today, it was so clear to me that he HAS to be there. He is safe. For the first time in sooooooo long.. I was able to sit down and not worry about him. If he left the room, someone would keep an eye on him. It is a locked ward, so he can't get out. He can't start a fire. He is safe. And I slept!

When I woke up, we went for a walk hand and hand. We watched TV together. Had lunch and dinner together. Truly, I am seeing more of him than I ever did when he was home. At home he just wanted to stay in his room 24/7. And I am not allowed in his room, because "his mother does not allow girls in his room!" :rolleyes: Plus it was a battle to get him up. Well, everything was a battle! Now, others are the bad guy, and I am his friend. :hug:

Sigh, it isn't what I wish for. He is sad. At times he still says he is going home even if he has to walk. Now, I don't have to argue though, he can't leave. I simply say I have to stay here, and I wish you would stay with me. And he always says, ok. I will stay one more day for you. sniff sniff.

It sucks! But, it was better than yesterday...Holding onto hope:hug:

http://i266.photobucket.com/albums/ii252/danicasnana/friends.gif

[Nik-key]

I was just re-reading the posts... I forgot to mention I talked to the head of the nursing home today. A family friend, so that brings me comfort. I found out the nurse who told me he could not have medications last night was wrong. They only meant they were waiting for the doctor to call in the order. Which he did! Just no one told me.

Doody, I believe in voicing my concerns as well. When my Grams was in the hospital while she was dying, you could just see the nurses cringe when they saw me coming LOL. I am a kind person, I was never disrespectful, and I am very understanding of an overworked staff. I have family who are nurses, I understand how thin they are stretched. But, some times... like in the case of your dear sisters pain, you have to speak out. It was Grams pain that made the momma bear in me come out too!

I am Lynn's advocate now. He has been there only 2 days, yet every nurse I have seen knows him and I by name. They care , they truly do. I can't tell you how much it lessens the load on my heart. I just called to check on him... I call every couple of hours.. they are always kind to me and full of compassion... I just spoke with him, and he said right now a nice lady (his nurse) is sitting with him having cookies and milk. awwwwww

I just called one of his sons, he lives about 5 minutes from me.. and he said he would drive me over in the morning so I didn't have to try to drive in a foot of snow :eek: WHEW!

I just can't put to words how grateful I am you are all here with me, letting me express the things I just can't to others. You are making MY transition better and I just love you all :hug::hug:

[Doody]

Oh my goodness dear (((Nikki))). I am so relieved. I think we will all sleep better tonight knowing it was a good day for you. I love you and still holding you close to my heart. :hug:

[Twinkletoes]

Whew, that's so good to know!

Glad Lynn at least thinks the nurses/ladies are nice!

And happy that you don't have to drive in the snow. Good that his kids are finally starting to pay attention. I hope its for the right reasons...

:hug:

[Nik-key]

I know this is the right thing for both of us.. but damn this is some adjustment. :( I wish I wasn't here alone, just makes it worse. I just called and he is still pacing. Pleasant enough, but sad and upset and wanting me. I am hoping to be have a chance to talk to the doctor tomorrow to ask if they can give him a sleeping pill.... poor bugger *sigh

I am going to take a hot bath, call again at midnight, then try to get some sleep. Nighty night :hug:

[Twinkletoes]

Hope you both get some good zzzzz's tonight. Praying for a better day tomorrow. :hug:

[Alffe]

I'll be so glad when your sister is able to return..we don't want you to be alone there. :hug: I hope you slept well last night.

[Nik-key]

http://i33.photobucket.com/albums/d90/crycon69/smiley-crying5.gif

[Alffe]

((((Nikki))))

[Burntmarshmallow]

I called you around 7 tonight... Hope you got my message and well will try again tomorrow my Angel Friend Warrior but i know how busy things are so. . .
do not stress about catching the call
MMMMkay just take care of you and know how much we care and Love you and how important and special you are to tiny Tina here .
yes yes I will be giving you some home work!! so keep an eye out . :hug:
:hug:
:grouphug:
May God be holding Lynn and wrapping him in comfort and safety so he feels secure and peaceful. May God keep you in his palm and help you threw this very hard time giving you strength courage and inner peace. Blessing to you both.

luv ya angel friend warrior Nikki. praying you get a good nights rest

[GmaSue]

Dear Nikki,

I have been out of it for a couple of days (pain) but have caught up with the posts and am sorry the admission process didn't go well, but so relieved that things are a little better now. You are right about the adjustment-and it is ongoing-there will be so many ups and downs. But you have done the best thing for him and you can use that as a solid fact to keep you centered, when everything is whirling around you and bobbing up and down-just keep repeating it to yourself like a mantra,

"I am doing the right thing". "I am doing the right thing".

It is one of the few things in this situation that you had the power to steer-and you so bravely did so. "You did the right thing. You did the right thing."

If none of my words are helpful, just forget them and remember these:
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[hippiechick]

Hi, Nik...I'm so sorry to hear about everything that's been happening with you and Lynn. I, too, worked with Alzheimer's patients and, yes, you're right...it is absolutely the worst thing in the world. I loved my work, though, and I can honestly say that the 8 years I spent at that job were the very best years of my life. I loved all of the patients as if they were my own family. (OK, in my case......more than family!) I'm just saying, though, that for the most part the people who work there are there because they truly love their work and their patients. Know that. I know that it was a very hard decision for you to make but you had to do it for YOU. And this way, you will be better able to care for him because you are a whole person.....does that make any sense right now???

I'm sorry that I haven't been around for you....or for others lately. I've been selfish and kind of "off in my own little head" for awhile...it just seems to be a safe place to hang out. I'll be around, though, and I will be more "technologically savvy" from now on - just got the laptop fixed, so I'm back up to no good.

I love you forever, Nik. Don't forget that. Forever is a LONG time.....you're stuck with me!

[Nik-key]

Mother of God!!! This is soul shredding! :Sob: I went in today and he was pacing the halls with our photo album held close. When he saw me, he leaned against the wall and put his hand over his face, trying to stop himself from crying. :Bawling: It took EVERYTHING I HAVE!!! Not to scoop him up and run for the closest exit. This is so damn unfair, tragic and down right cruel!:hissyfit:

My Dad would say sometimes, .... there are worse things than death. And sometimes one can live too long.

With my physical pain, I got the first part. There were times I prayed God would take me just so the pain would stop. Now, I understand what he meant by, one can live too long. This last year has brought my heart more pain than my soul can bear. I am not sure I am going to make it. I know I don't want to.

I want Lynn released from his hell. I hate Alzheimer's with every fiber of my being!!!! I do not want to be here to watch as it continues to ravage my poor husbands mind and body. I can't take it! How am I suppose to survive? We are not talking 6 months to a year. He has been taken from me inch by bloody inch for years and years and years! It could be many more years of this slow torturous death before God calls him home. :hissyfit:Where is the mercy!!! It is just too wrong for words!!!

A minister was talking about the love of God on the radio I brought for Lynn. I threw it across the room. Don't talk to me about love of God! THIS IS NOT LOVE! If this is God's love, I don't want it. And that ****** me off too. Because my faith brings me peace. The only way I am surviving my Dad's suicide is because I believe he is in Heaven with no more pain. I am pissed off, heartbroken, and falling apart.

Damn but I am a mess. My doctor wanted to see me today, but I had an appointment with Lynn's doctor. I can't go Monday because that is when the psyche team evaluates Lynn. I promised I would go on Tuesday. And I will because I have to be able to take care of Lynn.

March.......... how am I going to make it though this AND March? I am so mad at Dad right now! I told him today, was your pain so great that you could leave me in such pain? Did you love me so little? Please don't defend his actions to me... I GET IT! I KNOW why one would want to end it.... but damn it, look what his suicide has done to me! I will never be whole again. Never.

Sigh, I don't even know what I wrote... I just know this is a safe place for me, and I need to get some of this out before it destroys me :Sob: :Sob:

[Spanish Moss]

((((((Nikkey)))))))

Go ahead and let it out....every thought and hurt and anger and sadness...

*holding you and letting you scream it all out...

I also rage against that horrible disease.....and the agony and unfairness of it....

I hurt for you and Lynn.....

I wish I knew what I could say that would help you get through this time of adjustment and change and pain...

Moi and I hold you in our love and prayers

[GmaSue]

the depth of grief is a measure of the depth of the love
:grouphug::grouphug::grouphug:

[hippiechick]

Nik, I know this doesn't sound like much right now, but I'm sending you lots of hugs and I wish that I could be with you. I sometimes wonder where God is, too, but I know he's there....just like the wind. And I don't understand a lot of things; some things are just way beyond ANY understanding in times like these. Yes, it's easy for the one not having the problem to say "those things"....but there are some things we just won't ever understand...nor do we have to. Just know that you do have us - all of us - and you can say whatever you want to us. (I've been known to rant and rave a time or two!) And we love you always; I seriously doubt that you could shock anyone. Today I told my priest something that I thought for sure would've had him reeling and running for the door...but he cried! So, if he's un-shockable, I guess we all are!!!! Just kidding...

[mistiis]

:hug:Holding you dear Nikki :hug:
Let it out, we are here :grouphug:
Holding you both very close to me in prayer...

[FeelinGoofy]

you have every right to be angry Nikkey.... I'd like to echo what has already been said..... just remember we love you!!!! :hug:

[Nik-key]

I thought I would drop in real quick, I feel badly that I can't offer support to others right now.. I tried to read some other posts, but my heart just isn't in it. I started some medication and see my doctor tomorrow.

Lynn is not adjusting well. They have him on suicide watch. The staff tells me he spends most of his time looking for me, but that he is calm and friendly. They say all things considered he isn't doing too badly.

Yet, Every day when I get there he tells me how miserable he was without me. How he would rather be dead. Can we go home now? Tears and heartache. How is it his mind is so confused about everything else!! But, in this he is so clear. ACCCCCK!

Every day I must tell him we have to stay there. That I am too sick to go home. When I am not there, they tell him I am seeing my doctor or having a "treatment". He always asks if he can go see me. They say he does well, and is easily redirected.

But, every day when he sees me.. he begs me not to leave him again. He says he will stay there forever, if I only stay with him. :Sob: He tells me how he walked for 2 miles, but turned around because he didn't want me there alone. Of course he didn't, it is a locked unit.... his poor mind. :(

The other day he told me he was in the bathroom with a butter knife. Was he? Who knows! He makes up stories, he doesn't know fact from reality. All I know is the thoughts are there, and I made sure everyone knew it! *Sigh
He is miserable, depressed. They tell me he has never cried with them, that he is never overly sad. Perhaps that is true? But, when I get there he tells me over and over how torn up he is, that he would rather be dead. :(

It took absolutely everything I have not to bring him home. I would rather be hit every single day than to see him this way. His family and the staff asked me to wait until he sees the psyche doctor today. Very easy to ask when they are not the ones who sees his pain and misery.

Somehow, I found the strength to keep him there. I will talk to the psyche team today. I am trying to give him a chance to adjust, but there just HAS to be something they can do to help him! If they can't, he is coming home. I know it is too much for me. My doctor said but Nikki, it could kill you!

Can no one hear me? Watching him this way is killing me!! Dad's words keep echoing in my mind... there are worse things than death.

I will try to get on in the next couple of days ... I know how much you all care, but I also know you understand that I am withdrawing into myself. I am trying hard not to... I need to be here.
Much love to all of you :grouphug: And many thanks for everything!:grouphug:

[Alffe]

So glad to have word of you two. (((Nikki))) Does he have a radio in his room...an old station that plays music? Something you could listen to together...sing along with. Music seems to soothe and make a connection with so many people in nursing homes. My dad could be easily distracted by offering up an alternative..."do your toe nails need cutting?" or by me bursting into song...Daisy, daisy...give me your answer do....or You are my sunshine, my only sunshine....etc

He had a cleaning lady that was a former student of his and she was crazy about him....that helped..making a new friend who is also a resident. You could make someones acquaintance with him...there are so many layers of altzheimers....if you could find someone he might relate to on some level..that could become a familiar face besides yours that he misses and waits to see.

Thinking of you both and sending prayers. :grouphug:

[Doody]

(((Nikki))) I thought about you when I saw there was going to be an ICN presentation on coping with Alzheimer's. I wondered if this might help....

Helping Your Elder Adjust to a Residential Facility

After grappling with the difficult tasks of caregiving to your loved one at home, you may find it necessary to place him/her into a residential care facility. Once you have selected the appropriate facility for your elder, be it an assisted living facility or nursing home, all of you will have to deal with the challenges of adjusting to new routines.

Some facilities have a "30 Day Rule," which allows them to decide whether your elder "fits in" with their facility. The 30 Day Rule seems more than fair to me. If a patient is going to show signs of adjustment the facility will be able to make the appropriate decision. This protects the facility from having to keep people they absolutely can't manage in their environment and who might injure other residents.

The vast majority of people with dementia have difficulty with adjusting to a new home environment. For at least two weeks the person can't find things, is besieged with new people and routines, and has feelings of frustration and/or anger. There are some ways to help your loved one adjust:

* Expect agitation for 2-3 weeks. You might ask your elder's doctor for a light prescription for Ripserdal, Haldol, or Seroquel and use it for a few weeks (in a very light dose) before the placement. The patient may be confused, but not upset and agitated.

* Do not necessarily avoid visiting for two weeks, even though the facilities suggest this. Follow a formula something like the following:


Expect the person to be agitated and angry, but stop beating yourself up about it. You did what had to be done. Your loved one needs to grieve. To expect happiness is unrealistic.


Plan a brief visit. 10-15 minutes will be enough for you to know your loved one is well-cared for and to give them reassurance. A three-hour visit is going to cause agitation. If the loved one demands to be taken home, do not try to explain. Look at your watch and say, "I have to go now." It will break your heart, but will minimize the behavior after a few times. Many patients start the "take me home" stuff after a 30-minute visit when they get tired. Take it as an indication that it is time to go.


Take something to do. Do their nails, have a snack, listen to a new piece of music or share an activity. Once you are done, it is time to go. Have the staff divert your loved one to an activity such as a meal.


Call before you come so you know what kind of day your loved one is having. If you know they are agitated and having a bad day and if you can't face it without becoming upset, don't go when they are agitated . . . or go later.


Talk with the staff. Smile. Find the staff doing something right and compliment at least one person on each visit. There is nothing worse than the family who comes in with their microscope looking for flaws. They will become apparent soon enough--we are talking working with demented adults here.


Before you leave, talk with an administrative staff member to see how things are going and what you (as a team) can do to improve care throughout the adjustment.


I can not stress this too much: select an activity-based program. And, if your loved one is not a socializer, make sure the staff knows to let him have some time to himself daily and introduce him slowly to the group.


Last, do not let the adjustment period dissuade you from the placement. It most likely will work out.


From the University of Iowa ... Alzheimer's Disease - A Caregiver's Guide (http://www.uihealthcare.com/topics/brainnervoussystem/alzheimers.html)

:hug:

[GmaSue]

NIk-key,

I am going to throw out some suggestions-there might be one you can use.
Sometimes they get stuck on a theme or a "story line". One thing that helps my daughter is that I feed her the story line or theme. I practice it with her-we talk about it over and over before I leave-and then, the next time I go, when I first get there, I start right in with the story. I start feeding her the lines we kind of rehearsed the last time or on the phone.

It kind of sounds like it is an artificial conversation-but in actuality, sometimes it gets the visit off to a better start and then we CAN have a nice conversation about something other than how much she misses me and why can't I bring her home.

Food is also something you can use-talk about bringing it-maybe his favorite candy or cookies. The nurses can talk about it when you are not there-"she is out buying you some Oreos" And then when you show up-you have it to give to them and the beginning conversation can center on that.

Some things that help me when I get to wondering if she has any good times when I am not there: I leave a disposable camera for them to take pics of her when she is having a calm day. Also, it helps if I ask for one of her favorite staff members to do something with her while I am there-and I can see how she does interact OK with them. It also puts some good images of her in my mind to replace some of the bad ones.

One more thing: You mentioned you would gladly suffer the physical stuff to be able to have him home. I feel the very same way. And I had bruises and scratches for years just to keep her home. But even though she wants to be home very badly, her actions at home did more than put me at risk-it put her at risk-of injury or even a crises situation where she possibly would not have been treated with kindness or expertise by responding crises management people. It also left her more vulnerable to stays in psych wards.

I guess another "one more thing". If his written plan of care includes adequate/effective steps to be taken if he has problems-there is an increased chance it can be handled on his ward instead of an emergency transfer to a psych ward or hospital. Something in writing is worth a million times more than a verbal statement.

[Nik-key]

Again, thank you all for your help and support. This would be soooo much easier if Lynn didn't have Alzheimer's. He has zero recall so a lot of these wonderful suggestions just won't work. sigh

Due to the snow storm the psyche evaluation was canceled. accccck. We are to meet with the team tomorrow. It is taking every thing I have to keep him there. EVERYTHING!

I am close to a melt down... I was told I had to stop spending so much time there. It is so hard. I was spending 8 to 10 hours a day with him. It was killing me. Now I go for a 3 t0 4 hour visit. Not being with him is just as hard in many ways.

My doctor visit yesterday reveled that my serotonin levels are dangerously low. I was told this happens when one lives with extreme stress for too long. (when I feel stronger I am going to post more about this) The short version is extremely low serotonin causes severe depression. I was given medications to help raise these levels.

They say it takes a couple of weeks to help, just in time as I will need all the help I can get to help me through the anniversary date of Dad's suicide (March 14th)

k, :Sob: again, but wanted to check in.

Much love my friends :grouphug:

[Doody]

((Nik-key)) I don't know what to say. I think those suggestions are good ones and they are for Alzheimer's patients.

I've had virtually non-existent serotonin for as long as I can remember and have to take antidepressants or I would totally fall apart. I'm glad they are giving you those and yes, they can take awhile to work but not always. I've had quite a few friends who in stressful times took antidepressants to help see them through a rough spot, and they were able to stop taking them after about 6 months or so. Me, I'm on them all the time.

I hope you feel better soon and take the advice to not spend so much time there, as hard as that may be, for both of your sake's.

We love you! :hug: :hug: :hug:

[Alffe]

And you don't need "recall" to sing. :grouphug: Remember, you are not alone.

[tamiloo]

Nikki, I'm so sorry for your pain of heart. I think that emotional pain is far worse than physical pain. I know from going through both that I word rather have the physical...I can a least take a pain to put the pain at bay.

I don't really know what to say...I have a music video I want to share with you. I don't know if it will help but I know that it will give you a knowlege that your not alone or that this is not impossible...hope it opens ok for you...:hug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxZtmdRu8nM (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WxZtmdRu8nM)

[Nik-key]

((doody)) they are great suggestions and I very much appreciate you posting them for me :hug:

I think these were written for people faced with placing their parent or grandparent. It is different placing a spouse. Or maybe it is just me? All I know is he is my husband and there is no way I could just see him for a 10-15 minute visit.

It was my doctor who told me to spend less time there. He is worried about me surviving the transition. The nursing home feels I help Lynn by staying. I think the hardest part of all of this is how clear he is about wanting to go home. He thinks nothing is wrong with him. You just can not reason with an Alzheimer's victim.

For 3 years I was not allowed in our bedroom, his mother didn't allow girls in his room.... for over a year he hasn't known my name. Most times he called me mom. accck. He doesn't know his children, or that he even has children. He thinks he is much younger than he is, lately he is 41-42.

But, Now that he is in the home, he knows I am his wife! He has never called me by my given name- Nicole, in all our 24 years together. Never! But now he calls me Nicole. Now he wants me to lay with him and cuddle. Now, he tells me how much he loves me. How much he just wants to go home. Why can't we go home? :Sob:

NOW!!! Why does he know me now when he is so bad I had to place him? The answer the doctors are giving is it is the trauma he is going through, and separation anxiety. It is so traumatic for him, that he is able to remember me. To some, that may be a blessing. To me, it is ripping my frigging heart to pieces! :Sob:

Lynn never did like music. I tried singing, he told me to shut up :rolleyes: But it was worth a shot ((Alffe)) He can't make a friend, as every time he sees someone, even if he has met them 5000 times, he doesn’t remember them and thinks it is their first meeting. sigh

((Tammy)) thank you:hug: I tried to watch the video, I am sure it is beautiful... but I am angry with God at the moment, so couldn't watch the whole thing. I will try again later when I am not in such a bad place.

K, time to dry my tears, put on a fake smile and face another day of torture.
I know he needs to be there. I know it, but it is taking every ounce of everything I have to keep him there. I think I have come to a decision... I am going to wait out the average adjustment time, if he is still this miserable, I am bringing him home.

Thankyou all for being here with me :hug::hug:

[Alffe]

(((Nikki))) One day at a time dear lady. What is that saying about God smiling when we have a plan?.....I am remembering my dad's anger at my mom (his wife) for moving him there...I am remembering the middle of the night phone calls from him....You come and get me RIGHT NOW!!
Funny how he could remember how to dial the phone...until we had to remove it from his room. The peaceful pacifist dad who didn't have a mean bone in his body, throwing things at my mother.

Altzheimers is the strangest disease...everyone is different, every case is heartbreaking.

Nikki, come in here and share your grief and pain with us....let us try to lighten your load. Sending you prayers. :grouphug:

[Twinkletoes]

Nikki, I am so sorry that this move has been to traumatic for both of you. Hard to believe he is now using your name after years of forgetting. *sigh

Tammy's video make my eyes leak (that rarely happens). So touching.

I believe the doctor has YOUR best interests at heart. Your long visits are no doubt because of your intense love for Lynn. And guilt for placing him there.

I'm certainly no expert, but wonder if he might be able to adjust faster if your visits were shorter. Just sayin...I know you are fiercly loyal to him and admire you for that. But consider that it might be in HIS best interest to allow him to adjust to his new caregivers without you there.

Alzheimer's patients, even though their memory is severly limited, do better on a fixed schedule. Arising and getting dressed at the same hour, then eating, etc. Schedules are really good for them. Perhaps by limiting your visits, it will allow Lynn to get on a fixed schedule.

I'm thinking of sending Kindergartners to school: we would be doing them a disservice by insisting that we stay by their side. The teacher wouldn't be able to gain their trust if we were always there.

I don't know, Nikki. Just thinking out loud here. Hoping something one of us says will resonate with you and help you two make an easier transition. Although, from what you describe, it has been tortuous for both of you. :( I'm so sorry, sweetie. :hug:

Lynn must be quite a remarkable man to have earned such intense love from you. Things have just GOT to get better! And don't give up on God. He hasn't given up on you. And He hasn't deserted you. Maybe He's just waiting for you to listen.

Sometimes in desperation we feel the need to DO something. We make ourselves feel useful by having a hands-on approach. Maybe its time to "Let go and Let God." Trust Him and trust the new caregivers. Of course they won't do as good a job as YOU, dear Nikki. But give them a chance to care for Lynn. And allow yourself to concentrate on something that doesn't involve him. It might be time to spend some time volunteering at the Suicide Prevention project you described a couple of months ago.

We worry about you, dear Nikki! I think all of us who posted here would agree that you can't continue to enter the ring and beat yourself up day after day. It's time to reclaim your life. Your life, not Lynn's. If it were possible for love to bring him back, that would change everything and we'd expect that you'd continue to be with him as many hours a day as you possibly could.

You said he can't make friends. That's nonsense! My dear mother with advanced Alzheimer's made a girlfriend! No one else understood their conversations, but they were both agreeable and loved each other. They happened to be exactly the same size and weight (112 lbs.), so when Mom passed away, we gave all her clothes to that friend in the assisting living facility. (EDITED to say: Now that I think back, that lady's family purposely did NOT visit her, which I thought was harsh. The CNA's said it was because it got her all agitated. After reading your experience with dear Lynn, I think I understand better.)

I hope I haven't said anything to offend you, dear Nikki. I trust that you'd be frank with me or anyone else in a similar situation. I'm on your side, dear woman. I stand in awe at your love and devotion to Lynn. Please know you are always in my prayers. Be well, and do something for yourself today. Go out and buy a pair of shoes to show him next visit! :hug::hug::hug:

[GmaSue]

In the event that you would move him back home, do they have a policy where they will (for a fee) keep his bed reserved for a certain amount of time? If they do, how long is the reserve time?

I moved my daughter back home 3 times in 2 years time before I could finally do what was best and leave her there. I wish I could have known earlier, but it took me that many tries before I knew in my heart for sure that what everyone else could see was true.

Hold on, Nikki :hug:

[Doody]

Awww sweet ((((Nikki)))). We're here for you. I understand what a trauma this all is for you. Change is so hard, let alone the change you are going through. Just remember this...you need to stay healthy. Is your sister there yet?

And hey! We have February almost under our belts! Won't be long before the warm weather comes back, the grass, the leaves, those sunsets, birds, flowers. Oh I can hardly wait. I swear winter gets harder the older you get!

You are so strong and wonderful, you will get through this. Maybe when you freak out, you can remember how difficult it was for you to take care of your sweetheart at home.

I love you. We're all here for you. :hug: :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

Well its two weeks today that he has been in the nursing home. He is adjusting better this week than the first, and I can only hope and pray he will continue to adjust and God willing find some peace.

((twink)) you could never offend me :hug: You are right, it was harder on both of us with me being there so much. I could see that being there less was better for him in just 2 days. He no longer paced the halls looking for me. When I went in on the second day, he was laying in bed watching TV. He jumped up when I got there and gave me a huge hug and asked if we were going home. That is still so hard :( :Sob:

I wasn't able to go yesterday for the first time due to the snow storm we had. They said he didn't do too badly. He still asks them where I am , but they feel he is starting to adjust. I am not sure if the correct word should be adjust, I think it is more - breaking his spirit :Sob:

He still isn't eating well. But then again neither am I. They put him on an anti depressant and hope that will help in a couple of weeks. I sure hope so. I know he needs to be there. Sunday he lost his glasses, he was convinced someone stole them. He had a fit! Started throwing things and making fists at me...... sigh....... I went to his nurse and told her I was leaving and how upset he was. As soon as he saw her, his whole demeanor changed. She distracted him while I safely left. I keep telling myself, he needs to be there. He is safe and well taken care of. (see Tina, I am doing my homework ;) :hug: )

((Sue)) I don't think I could ever go through this transition period again. Not sure I am going to make it this time. Damn, not sure how you survived doing this 3 times in 2 years! ACCCCK. I am going to give it at least the recommended 30 days.... sigh. They will hold a bed, for $130 a day, but only for medical purposes, like if he had to go into the hospital.

With March here, trying to cope with Dad's suicide, and trying to deal with placing Lynn.. I am in a perpetual state of depression and nausea. My stomach is in knots. I throw up daily, and the damn snow isn't helping with that. I am told I have MMD (major depressive disorder) and PTSD. I am on new medications to try and help with this. But, home just doesn't feel like home any more .. and I don't think any medication can fix that :(

Everyone keeps telling me it is time to start a new life for me. Go out and enjoy your freedom. Freedom? "My Lynn", his ghost - is being held captive by Alzheimer's relentless torture. He is lost and trapped inside himself. There can be no "freedom" for me until he is released from his hell. Our hell.

I am not sure why I am so nervous about going to see him today. Maybe because I didn't go yesterday, and I worry about the effect it had on him. Maybe because I know I am to face another visit with him asking if we can go home. Or can I just stay with him now.... I know it is the right thing for him. But how can doing the right thing, cause so much damn guilt. Accccck :(

K, time to get ready... I will try to be back. I need to be here...... thank you all once again for being here with me. Much love my friends :hug:

[Twinkletoes]

Glad you checked in, sweetie. :hug: Sounds like things are becoming more "routine." I know that will help both of you.

Sorry about the lousy weather. I hope your visit today goes smoothly.

Thinking of you and praying that you both will be able to adapt to your new lifestyles. *sigh So sad, I know, but good that you got the help you needed. :hug:

[GmaSue]

(((Nik-key)))

[Doody]

Hi Sweet Cheeks. :hug: It sounds as if it will get better for you and hubby as far as the facility goes.

March came in here like a lamb. Whether it goes out like a lion or lamb...who knows...but it will be over, I promise you that. :wink: :hug:

[jaded2nite]

Nik-key

I hope you know you are in my thoughts daily, although I have no words to comfort you please know if good thoughts could ease your pain you would be blissful.

As you are living your life today , I see my future in your struggle. The only difference is my Mom is the victim of this horrendous disease and not my husband.

I admire your strength and only hope I can be as brave as you are when I have to make those heartwrenching decisions.:hug:

Dottie

[who moi]

nik,

I kept on thinking about Lyn the past few days...

I had gotten really sick and I wondered what would happen, if moss would have to make the same decision that you'd had to...

in my now very conscious mind. I would hate to be in a home....in a place of unfamiliarity and where I have to deal with people that I don't know...and away from my dearest moss...

but then, it IS my dearest moss that I would worry and consider, how much of a burden I would've imposed on her and how I would affect her life...

I would sign a piece of paper, as a matter of fact, I am going to do it in actuality. That I would let moss make the decision of putting me in a home no matter how hard I resist it....

it is because I love her so very much....

I would want her to know that my deep deep love for her, that no matter how much I scream, yell, or cry that I want to go home. That as long as she knows that the home I am in will take care of me, that she will keep me there, no matter how heartbreaking it would be for her...

because in the simplest things that we do around the house, I find that we would argue who WOULD do the dishes rather than who SHOULD do the dishes....

two people that would argue to do the dishes because they love each other like we do would argue that we die for each other...

I BELIEVE that about you and Lynn....

I often think of Doctor Oliver Sack's book and I cannot remember which one...

he talked about how music heals and how music can also be painful..

I wonder if Lynn's resistance to music is based on something painful

yet, there IS a type of music that he loves....

YOUR VOICE

I dunno, thinking out loud here....maybe a couple of DVD's of you or a CD of your voice, singing to him or reading him a story and something

that when he's upset, that they can put in the DVD or the CD in for him?

within it all...I so much feel your pain...because I have been feeling a lost and pain all day today...and while it's different, I share your heartache with you....

((((BIG HUGS))))

and I am so thankful for everyone here...and for their support to you and of each other....

:grouphug:

[mistiis]

Life was never meant to be easy, we struggle, we have friends, we grow wings to fly instead of falling. I think of you always Nikki. All of you...:grouphug: My heart breaks over and over, and I allow it. I share your joy, your sorrows, your prayers, your pain, and I know that I am alive! And then I allow your love, strength, and fortitude help to make me whole again. (forgive me if I seen to be emotional and philosphical today, because I am :eek:)

[Nik-key]

Hmmm ((Doody)) March came in like a rabid lion here :eek: Wouldn't mind if it went out like a lamb. You are right though, one way or another this month will be over. Lord give me strength!

((Moi)) When Lynn was himself, before Alzheimer's claimed him, he would have taken a bullet for me! If he was in his right mind, he would insist that he stay in the nursing home, he would hate what this is doing to me. Sadly, he isn't in his right mind, and thinks nothing is wrong with him. *sigh

My sis went with me today, his first visitor. It went better than I feared. He did ask her to take him home. I knew he would, but we told him she was going to Massachusetts. He hates Mass! He said, well, I don't want to go there! lol

He is getting better about staying. He still hates it. Still asks to go home every visit. But the time frame in which he is drastically upset is getting less each time. He believes I am upstairs in the hospital. All the staff is wonderful in keeping this "fiblet" ( therapeutic lie) Never dreamed I would lie all the damn time to my husband. It doesn't sit well with me, but it is the kindest thing I can do for him.

We had a big meeting with all the heads of the home, about his care plan. They all feel the adjustment period has begun for him. Some of these folks have seen me on my knees sobbing for all I am worth. They rubbed my arm and said he is doing much better than you are dear. I believe them.

He no longer paces and paces. Every time I go in he is either laying down on his bed watching TV or reading his newspapers or looking at picture books. They will slowly try to introduce him to activities and let him set the pace as to what he wants to be involved in. I still do his sponge baths and make him change his clothes.... he is still very aggressive in not wanting to do this. But, they will slowly try to take over these tasks too.

He still isn't eating well. This is a big concern of mine. Due to Alzheimer's destroying the part of his brain that controls metabolism, he can't gain weight. At home he ate all the time and still lost weight! Not even a feeding tube could make him gain weight. He was already down to 117 eating all the time!! So, not eating much is very troubling to me:(

They are going to have someone from nutrition come sit with him for at least two meals a day to try to distract him and coax him to eat. He will eat lunch for me every day, but only because I have to bribe him, much like you would a child. *sigh. But, whatever works!

Its' hard. Harder than I ever imagined in my worst of thoughts. But, I know he needs to be there. More important, I know he is safe! I am going to start going to the support groups I should have been going to all along, but couldn't because I had to stay with him 24/7. They have a bereavement therapy class for Alzheimer spouses they want me to attend. Grief, it is all I feel now. I think I will go.

Not sure how I am surviving this, but I do know you have all made it easier for me. :hug: I can't thank you enough :hug: Much love, Nikki

[Doody]

((((Nikki)))) It sounds better each time you come in and I am so greatful for that. :hug: I wish I could make it all better for you sweet thing. You are always in my prayers. I love you and leaving you a warm tight hug tonight. :hug:

[Nik-key]

As I said in the wonder thread, I have been sick and haven't been able to see Lynn for 3 whole days!! Now, I am nervous as hell to go see him. What the hell? I WANT to see him!!! I just can't bear the will you stay with me? Can we go home? Accck, rips my heart to pieces. :(

I have been thinking about this, even had a couple of dreams about it. Not sure if you ever watched the Notebook? Everyone tells me what a wonderful movie that was. How it is so real, and sheds the light on Alzheimer's. It does show some of the hell, but it doesn't begin to cover it.

What ticks me off about this movie is the ending. In a rare "clear" moment, they lay down together, as man and wife. Embracing each other. Then, they both pass away together. Now that makes for a nice fairy tale ending. But, that is not real life.

I laid with Lynn on our last visit. And I begged God, as I have each visit, to just take us both. Didn't happen. He is there lost in his own little world. And I am here, wherever here is, without him :(

[Lara]

Oh dear Nik-key, I'm so worried for you right now.

I'm so sorry for being so blunt, but I wonder if you have any support there besides the medication you've been prescribed? There is no way in the world, and this is just my opinion of course, that you could possibly deal with all you're dealing with right now without some personal support and I don't just mean online support, I mean real life support and real life professional support. Medications are fine to a point. They can help some people and they can help in certain circumstances.

Movies like the Notebook are really hollywood love stories. They're not real life, Niki. They're manufactured. Sure they play on the emotions and I actually loved the movie the way it was made, but I knew it wasn't reality because of my own experiences with people who have Alzheimer's. Reality and movies are totally different things.

Do you have anyone there to talk with there about the way you're feeling?
Please don't beg your god to take you both. That is so worrying to hear you say that.

Who is helping you through this most awful time? Do you have friends or family there with you? Do you have regular appointments with a social worker or someone in the medical field? Please tell us more about what steps you're taking to not feel this way.

[who moi]

I agree with Lara, nik...

besides on line, I think you need to talk to someone and let out something gut wrenching and really just be able to say what's on your mind, all cuss words involved that you'd like to use and anything goes, no holds barred...

then they are just there to listen and then can hold you afterwards...

I know you have your sister and such but I think a professional or a pastor or someone that you have faith and trust in...

I am so so sorry that this is so heart breaking for you....I can only offer you some ((((BIG HUGS)))) and let you know that we care...

hugging my monitor and hoping that you'll feel that...

[Nik-key]

The car is running... but I can't make myself go out the door....

((lara)) *sigh.... I'm trying. I am taking ALL the medications the doctors have given me. I see my doctor 2 times a week to be monitored. He loves me, I am thankful I have one who cares so much for me. Course I love him too. He wants me in the hospital, he fears another break down.

I know it sounds odd, and I know it is wrong, but I don't fear it, I welcome it. After Dad killed himself, I did have a break down. But, the wonderful thing about it, is the wonderful bliss of numbness that comes with it. I wouldn't mind being able not to feel all that I do right now.

I am not trying to run from it, or hide from it. I just want a break from it.

I re-read what I wrote... I wish I could say it isn't how I feel, but it is. I do beg God to take us both. I want Lynn's hell to end, more than anything in this world. Yet, I can't fathom being here without him. Yet, I already am.. *sigh

I do have my wonderful family. They have held me when I cry, they know the pain I am in. The trouble is, we are all suffering right now trying to deal with Dad's suicide. I don't want to further burden their weary souls.

I am going to start grief therapy soon, next week. I know it will be a good thing for me. I cry and cry, rant and scream, cry and cry, but it brings no release *sigh

Please know, I am not suicidal. It is not an option for me. Ever. I thank you ((lara)) and you too ((Moi)) for reaching out to me:hug::hug:

Ok buck up girl... deep breaths... OK! I am going to see Lynn now. :hug:

[who moi]

you got me mistiis with your post, nik...

((((BIG HUGS)))) and I hope you have a good visit with Lyn...

[Lara]

Maybe you want your god to take away the pain and the suffering. I totally understand that.

Have a good visit today. :hug:

[Twinkletoes]

Just doing a little catching up on this thread. How did your most recent visit go, Nikki?

And when is your support group meeting?

I'm glad you're planning on going to the meetings now that you have some help with Lynn. Praying for you and your family, dear Nikki. :hug:

[tamiloo]

Oh, Nikki know that my prayer are with you and I hold you dear in my heart!!:hug:

http://i275.photobucket.com/albums/jj281/olhipie/Prayers%20For%20You/LOVE.jpg

[Spanish Moss]

Just want to leave some hugs and love for your, Nik:hug:

[pono]

The car is running... but I can't make myself go out the door....

((lara)) *sigh.... I'm trying. I am taking ALL the medications the doctors have given me. I see my doctor 2 times a week to be monitored. He loves me, I am thankful I have one who cares so much for me. Course I love him too. He wants me in the hospital, he fears another break down.

I know it sounds odd, and I know it is wrong, but I don't fear it, I welcome it. After Dad killed himself, I did have a break down. But, the wonderful thing about it, is the wonderful bliss of numbness that comes with it. I wouldn't mind being able not to feel all that I do right now.

I am not trying to run from it, or hide from it. I just want a break from it.

I re-read what I wrote... I wish I could say it isn't how I feel, but it is. I do beg God to take us both. I want Lynn's hell to end, more than anything in this world. Yet, I can't fathom being here without him. Yet, I already am.. *sigh

I do have my wonderful family. They have held me when I cry, they know the pain I am in. The trouble is, we are all suffering right now trying to deal with Dad's suicide. I don't want to further burden their weary souls.

I am going to start grief therapy soon, next week. I know it will be a good thing for me. I cry and cry, rant and scream, cry and cry, but it brings no release *sigh

Please know, I am not suicidal. It is not an option for me. Ever. I thank you ((lara)) and you too ((Moi)) for reaching out to me:hug::hug:

Ok buck up girl... deep breaths... OK! I am going to see Lynn now. :hug:

(((Nik)))

thanks for your honesty .... your words again touch so deeply....

i can only imagine how all is for you... the pain & love so clear--
for your family, for DH Lynn... how can you fathom being left here alone, even as you feel already are--in this long goodbye ?? yes, you want his hell to end , but what about yours??

Lynn & you have been together , sharing much; i'm sure many 'good' times... but sadly many hells -- years of Alzhiemers; your medical problems: neuro/pain disorders, the brain surgerys, more Losses, Life (and Death) issues... .
i understand your prayer, for God to take you both, together....
i get that you are NOT suicidal, nor "runnining' or hiding
OMG--quite opposite...
all you've endured, continue push yourself thru (again today to get into car & drive to nursing home to be with Lynn, even tho you aren't well...
sick with grief, more...

i'm glad you have wonderful family who understand your pain, but sadly now all of you suffering , trying to deal with your dad's sucide...
'm so sorry .... your soul is so burdened, and how you worry about burdening others...
the depths & extent of your suffering, grief, losses, pain -- ALL you've experienced, endure..... so heartbreaking....
what to do?? '
how much should, CAN [one] take??

seems too much Nikki... i would've already broke down... i can relate to crying, screaming, crying more, and no release... (probably more TN /ON headpains?? often wonder how that's been/is for you? know how stress and crazy weather exacerbates ..)

i don't think it sounds 'odd' or wrong .... to want or "welcome" a Break...
i don't know how you've endured so much ....so long.... (your medical/pain conditions and all the other painfull issues, situations...
sorry if i'm repeating or saying too much...

Pray won't take another " break down"" for you to take, get Needed break, Relief you so deserve---
your DR and many here have expressed concern & fear... you said DR -who cares Loves U, wants (suggested) hospitalization??? are you considering ?how do U feel about this 'option'??
you say last years "break down' brought "wonderful bliss of numbness" - that you wouldn't mind --not feeling again...
or perhaps need NOT to feel so much, so intensely now-- this month , this 'anniversary"...
perhaps in addition to taking current RX meds, seeing DR , hooking up local support/groups, can give yourself that needed break-- somehow?? if that is following DRs advice & go into hospital for awhile, for interventions, "help" -
if not hospital, something/where else to give Break,-- before you break down.... more worse...

hope u understand??/ hope not said too much

i empathize, 'understand' as well as one can who's not walked in your shoes-
witnessed, experienced ALL you have.....

do understnd about NOT wanting to feel more..... Pain
so much, too much
how much should, can [one] YOU take???
seems its been far too much nikki...
wish there was some 'fix'

pray for BEST
for you, your family....
PEACE

[Nik-key]

Dearest ((Pono)) I thought I had nothing left... your post showed me that was wrong. I am too emotional to write right now... but know, you moved me, you touched my heart.. and I just can't thank you enough. :hug:Much love my friend:hug: