No Going Back

[Alffe]

...after suicide there is no going back

no gently returning to that good peace of mind

wherein God's in our universe and all's well with the world

because we are whole no more, rather shattered and

struggling to withstand the shards of horror that shine

reflected in the eyes of our acquaintances as they check our

crown for thorns and our expressions for evidence of collusion.

Was it a phone call we failed to return, a favor, a smile?

...after suicide there is no going back

no gently returning to that good hope we love in one another

when earth tugs only at our feet, not at our lungs, and leaves our

hearts at liberty to risk, to dare, to trust, and to tame.

In retrospect, there is no going back, no explanation, no

reason good enough to justify our lack of interest in one

whose loneliness could only be assuaged by death.

....after suicide there is no going back, only memories.

_Lucy

Finding Your Way after the Suicide of Someone You Love

Authors David Biebel, DMin & Suzanne L. Foster, MA

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) I needed to read this, and I needed to do more than hit the Thank You button......

:Noooo: There is no going back :Sob:

[Alffe]

"Sometimes it's hard to recognize that anger is part of our grief. Maybe we're angry at the doctors and nurses for not making our loved one well. Or for not alleviating the suffering. Or for not doing a better job of keeping us informed.

Maybe we're angry at the loved one - for not trying hard enough to get well, or for not taking better care of himself or herself. Or just for leaving us. Maybe we're angry with ourselves. Or angry at God.

Even when we don't hold a particlar person - or God - responsible for the death of our loved one, we're angry. Our life has been disrupted. We have been deprived of something - even if it's only peace - that we wanted.

As with other aspects of grief, we need to recognize anger and express it. We may need to be careful with relatives and friends. But we don't need to worry about God - we can let it fly."

Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

[Lara]

I kept this piece in my files after reading it elsewhere online. Your post reminded me.

For survivors, suicide doesn’t just shatter the present and short-circuit the future. It blows up the shared past. These memoirs try, with agonizing honesty, to reclaim that lost ground.

:hug:

[Nik-key]

((Alffe)) Thank you :hug: You have this way about you, that you post just what I need to read when I need to read it most:hug:

I am angry. I am royally pissed off to be honest :o

But we don't need to worry about God - we can let it fly.

Good thing! Cause man have I been letting it fly ;)

((Lara))............... you know how you can just be going along in your life, then someone says something or shares something.. and it just reaches out and touches your very core? That just happened to me, when I read your quote. Thank you:hug::hug:

For survivors, suicide doesn’t just shatter the present and short-circuit the future. It blows up the shared past. These memoirs try, with agonizing honesty, to reclaim that lost ground.

This is exactly what is happening, and has been happening to me all year. When Dad killed himself, everything, just everything! Including our love for eachother, now seemed like a blatant- cruel- lie to me.

"agonizing honesty" what a wonderful way to put it. It has the power to destroy trying to wade through all these powerful emotions.

I'm swimming, I just keep swimming......

Much love my friends :hug::hug::hug:

[Nik-key]

I keep coming back to this post. I also keep thinking about what curious said.. forgive the person, not the act. Seperating the act from Dad is proving to be difficult. But I will keep trying. I want nothing more than to grieve the man he was, without all the emotional hell of his suicide clouding and complicating my grief.


For survivors, suicide doesn’t just shatter the present and short-circuit the future. It blows up the shared past. These memoirs try, with agonizing honesty, to reclaim that lost ground.

I hate it when people say time heals all wounds, you need more time. What I needed was more time with Dad!! *sigh. It isn't the time that heals... it is the time we spend trying to heal that makes the pain more bearable.

[Curious]

The wound may heal, but the scar is there. Always there as a reminder.

Keep trying Nikki. Keep bringing up the good memories. Keep those running like a never ending movie. They will help keep the bad ones from taking over.

:hug:

[Nik-key]

((curious)) Thank you :hug:
Keep bringing up the good memories. Keep those running like a never ending movie. They will help keep the bad ones from taking over.


This is where I am stuck... I can't bring up the good memories, they just can't surface without me falling apart. Who ever heard of repressing GOOD things!! But it is what I am doing.

It is just too painful to reflect on all that is lost. When I think on our lives together, that is when the pain comsumes me to the point I just need to be with him. But yes! I will keep trying :hug:

[Curious]

Nikki, you need allow yourself to feel good. It is ok. You can smile and be happy.

You are not dishonoring your dad's memory by not grieving 24/7. It all takes time.

:hug:

[Nik-key]

Nikki, you need allow yourself to feel good. It is ok. You can smile and be happy.

You are not dishonoring your dad's memory by not grieving 24/7. It all takes time.

:hug:

Maybe I said that wrong? I do have happy times in my life... the kids, friends, family.. I surround myself in their love. We do laugh, have good times. :)

What I am trying to say is I can't let in the happy memories of Dad, of our lives together. It just hurts too much. It is when I think of all we had, that all I lost is too overwhelming. It is when the darker thoughts come. So I push back the happy times, so I don't have to feel so consumed in the loss. Does that make sense to anyone but me? :confused:

[mistiis]

Yes, dear Nikki, it is understandable!! The pain is too intense to go there right now. But, I think Alffe is living proof, that in time, you will be able to. Love you bunches dear friend...:hug:

[Lara]

This is where I am stuck... I can't bring up the good memories, they just can't surface without me falling apart. Who ever heard of repressing GOOD things!! But it is what I am doing.

Hey, Nikki, you're not the only one. You're probably not actually repressing them. It's just the way our darn human brains work.

OK, so I'm weird, but I was sitting quietly contemplating my navel just the other day and I was thinking about how our brains work with regard to memories and thinking this very same thought... where are all the good memories. Why does my brain have all the really horrible ones right out there in the front of the wretched filing system. Why is it so difficult to bring forward the good memories.

You see, I may be a little strange LOL, but I tend to think of the brain as a type of filing cabinet with many, many different compartments.

Some of those compartments are hidden away out of reach because the cabinet is holding so much information. The more we experience and the more we live, the more information goes in there.

I was also thinking about our senses, and how certain smells will trigger good memories but can also trigger bad ones.

Anyway, just know you're not alone with this, Nikki. :hug: It's the way our human brains work. You can dig around in there and consciously bring out the good ones though. I think it's a learned thing... practice, time... a lot of things. When people have experienced extremely traumatic events, they tend to stick there on the surface. Sometimes when I'm trying to think of specific good times, I start in one place in my memory and it just starts to roll out from there.

ADDED: I also know from personal experience that some things are distorted in my memory, as is mentioned in one of the articles below.

I remembered reading some scientific articles about memory and how it all works, and why it works the way it does.

These two below are not those same ones but maybe they'll help you in understanding that you are not alone in having those bad memories out in front... and overshadowing the good ones. :hug:

I hope all that makes sense. :eek: Do please remember that you are the child, Nikki. He was your father. You are not responsible. Same as I wasn't responsible for my own mother's death from cancer, although I spent so much time and energy blaming myself for her death. Heck, I was just a baby. I was not responsible. I can clearly and catagorically say that now, but for a while in my 20's I went through a period of time where I put it all on myself.


http://www.time.com/time/health/article/0,8599,1817329,00.html
Why Do We Remember Bad Things?
TIME health article
By Laura Blue Monday, Jun. 23, 2008
There's evidence on both sides. The systems that are involved in adding emotional content include a brain structure called the amygdala, which gets activated when we experience strong emotions, particularly negative emotions, and it does influence memory systems — in particular, a structure known as the hippocampus. So there's opportunity there to influence how strongly memories get laid down. But the hippocampus is involved in both the storage as well as the retrieval of memory. Things that are emotionally charged may simply be memories that are more likely to be accessed or used.
[Emotional content] does not necessarily mean that events are remembered more accurately, and that's an important distinction. In fact, there's a lot of evidence that all memories can be altered. It's a normal process — we're constantly taking our experience and revising it, even twisting it to our own benefit. We might be able to take control of that process in some ways, which would be particularly useful in cases of abnormal, pathological memory processing — for instance, traumatic memory processing.



http://psychcentral.com/news/2007/08/29/why-we-remember-the-bad-times-more-than-the-good/1207.html
Why We Remember the Bad Times More Than the Good
By Rick Nauert, Ph.D. Senior News Editor

[Nik-key]

((Mistiis)) Love you bunches too :hug:

((Lara)) Thank you so much for posting these articles and sharing your experiences with me. Helps a lot :hug: I don't think your anaology of our brain as a filing cabinet is weird at all! I often say, let me file that lol

You are right, when I truly want to I can find those happy moments. I still clearly, vividly see his smile. The problem is, when I feel those good thoughts, the pain is too much... and I fall apart. Part of it is what the articles describe, but part of it is me intentionally trying not to feel it. I don't allow myself to go there, because I KNOW the pain it will bring.

You know this brought to mind an article my doctor shared with me when he diagnosed me with dangerously low seratonin levels...... He tests my levels every few weeks. The dark thoughts don't come as often as they did.

here is just part of it.... the whole article can be read at http://www.enotalone.com/article/4116.html

Very low levels of Serotonin typically bring people to the attention of their family physician, their employer, or other sources of help. Severe Serotonin loss produces symptoms that are difficult to ignore. Not only are severe symptoms present, but also the brain’s ideation/thinking becomes very uncomfortable and even torturing. When Serotonin is severely low, you will experience some if not all of the following:

· Thinking speed will increase. You will have difficulty controlling your own thoughts. The brain will focus on torturing memories and you’ll find it difficult to stop thinking about these uncomfortable memories or images.

· Escape fantasies will begin. The most common – Hit the Road! The brain will suggest packing up your personal effects and leaving the family and community. ( I have this thought in my head ALL the time! I just want to get in the car and drive and drive and drive..........)

And this one blows my mind.... amazing and scary ...

· Memory torture will begin. Your brain, thinking at 100 miles an hour, will search your memories for your most traumatic or unpleasant experiences. You will suddenly become preoccupied with horrible experiences that may have happened ten, twenty, or even thirty years ago. You will relive the death of loved ones, divorce, childhood abuse – whatever the brain can find to torture you with – you’ll feel like it happened yesterday.

[Lara]

Yes indeedy.
Lots of neurochemical imbalance in my family so I totally understand. :o

:Trapeze 2:


... and of course, this is what also happens in PTSD and also with OCD (esp. the bottom quote), and numerous other conditions. I learned some techniques years back with a professional. Positive reinforcement I guess I'd call it and relearning some ways I dealt with certain events. When you're in the grip of it though, it's not so easy to rationalize and realize that all will be a bit better one day.

We need to be kinder to ourselves and also surround ourselves with kind people. Kind and compassionate. We also need to feed ourselves well. Not just with the kindness around us, but with wholesome nutritious food and sunlight.

:hug:

[Nik-key]

PTSD, another thing I have been pretending I don't have. I have been diagnosed by 2 different doctors, I have the signs... geez I can't even see snow without throwing up and shaking badly...so why do I pretend I don't have it? Maybe I should read up on it, open my mind... maybe there will even be a door to healing.

Thanks again Lara. :hug: Your post always effect me. In a good, positive way! :D

[Lara]

I just hope I'm not being too hard on you. I am not meaning to be as blunt as I probably sound. It's just that I've read certain posts that you've written and I've honestly thought to myself at the time... OMG - Nikki is re-living that incident as she's writing about it.

It worries me. It's always worried me because it's at times like that when the thoughts are going around and around like a movie in your head, that is when you need to be in a really safe environment with someone to guide you through it. Some one who knows you and knows how to talk with you and knows how to guide you through those thoughts and out the other side, so that you're not left alone at home to keep thinking about it.

It's the one thing that I've always found most troubling about a few professionals who treat people going through traumatic memories like that... it's that when the hour is up, the person receiving the counselling needs to get themselves together, walk out of the room and somehow go home on their own... go home to what? More memories?

I should get off my soap box I guess, but I think it is so important that, in times of trauma or stress or depression, we are able to find a kind compassionate soul of a counsellor who knows how not to let that happen so that we can feel safe about leaving and feel stronger about what tomorrow will bring. Otherwise I think it can be really dangerous.

[Nik-key]

((Lara)) you are so sweet! Such a kind soul :hug: Please KNOW you are not being "too hard or blunt with me" What you are doing is sharing your thoughts with a friend in need. And this friend greatly appreciates your wisdom! :hug::hug: I post here because I feel safe here.. And I truly do want to heal. I want to learn better coping skills, to learn from those who have traveled this road before me. I WANT your input, and greatly appreciate it :hug:

I stopped going to therapy for that very reason. It takes me awhile to get to the meat of what is bothering me, I would get to my breaking point and then the session was over. I was left trying to collect myself, shaking, stumbling, tear soaked face, trying to find my way out of the office. It was too much pain, with not enough help, so I stopped going.

I am aware of myself enough to know that watching my husband losing his long vicious battle to Alzheimer’s most assuredly is playing a role in how difficult my healing is coming. I am grieving two of the most important people in my life. I needed Dad to be here to help me through this, he promised he would be... I know this plays into my anger and abandonment issues.

I am learning so much about life, grief, strength and myself. It hurts, but I hold onto the hope that as with all bad things we must overcome, we will survive and come out better on the other side. Holding onto Hope :hug:

[GmaSue]

................................

[Alffe]

I'm not sure I understand your post GmaSue...................:D

:grouphug:

[pono]

Maybe I said that wrong? I do have happy times in my life... the kids, friends, family.. I surround myself in their love. We do laugh, have good times. :)

What I am trying to say is I can't let in the happy memories of Dad, of our lives together. It just hurts too much. It is when I think of all we had, that all I lost is too overwhelming. It is when the darker thoughts come. So I push back the happy times, so I don't have to feel so consumed in the loss. Does that make sense to anyone but me? :confused:

it does to me (((Nik))) :hug:
don't know how to explain or 'advise'
but i understand & have felt this too....

continued ongoing prayers for HEALing
Peace
-JOY that can be enJOYed, and more....
much LOVE :grouphug:

[pono]

i replied before realized there was 2nd page of POSTS...
wow, so much expressed ... need to read again....
thanks ALL for sharing so much....

(((Nikki))) i think of you so often .... ALL you've been dealt-- these huge Losses of your DH to that horrible disease , of your DF.....
the more you share the more i get how deep complex PAIN issues...
my heart & prayers go out to you :hug: and ALL suffering
for HEALing :grouphug: PEACE
more...
later :grouphug:

[Nik-key]

((Pono)) :hug:

Good to hear from you:hug: Going to send you a PM... keeping you in my thoughts and prayers:hug: