HopeLost

[pono]

reading about hope ,
trying to 'find'
but can't...
by any definition, or in the Hope many have shared


i just can't find, conjure it up

i've been trying to write, but can't find words...
all thats been, come, is now too much
I can't take it.... really can't...
too much happened past days
yesterdays 'events'
felt like the final nail...
today can't stop shaking
or calm my pounding head & heart...

each minute, second excrutiating ...
i'm so sorry ....
for so much...
but regrets don't change what is...

[Curious]

:hug:

Keep looking pono.

Hope is what brought you here today.

Hope is reaching out and someone being there.

I'm here.

:hug:

Keep posting. Or I can go into chat or we can pm. Just keep reaching. :hug:

[Alffe]

(((pono))) We all have regrets in this life dear lady. I'm sorry you are is such a bad place and I pray that you will hang tough in the hopes that tomorrow will be better. We care about you...and you are not alone. :grouphug:

[pono]

i don't want to highjack this thread
tried to write elsewhere, before....
when i read & reread here...
i "hoped' someting else would come....
but all that i can feel now is HOPEless,LOST
i don't know...
pain, too much,
many regrets and so much more...

[Curious]

Pono...I can move this to it's own thread. Would you like for me to do that? We can keep our talking going.

:hug:

[pono]

thanks.... maybe that would be better...
part of me wants to quit...
another part does want to talk about "it'
THANKS

[Curious]

All moved.

We all have regrets. Learning to forgive yourself. Bit by bit. We can change the past, but we can learn and make a difference in the future.

:hug:

[Alffe]

"Sometimes it seems our greatest hope is that we don't understand. Because from the vantage we have when we are feeling low, the sense of the futility of life, and the apparent finality of death, can all but overwhelm us.

Far better to acknowledge that our understanding is limited, to relish the stories of faith and intuition that come to us - and wait and see! We stand so close. What if someone trying to view Michelangelo's magnificent painting "The Creation of Adam" in the Sistine Chapel got so close that all he could see was two fingertips touching? A good view, but a very small piece of the whole picture."

Healing After Loss by Martha Whitmore Hickman

*************

pono this is an excellent book of daily meditations for working through grief...a page a day is sometimes all it takes to lift me up..or at least make me look around and wonder at the wonder of it all................:grouphug:

[gardengrl]

pono, we don't know each other but dang...your pain is sooo deep. You are so brave & extremely wise to have posted here so others more suited than I can help you! YOU along with the rest of this community have saved me, more than once, just being able to read your very personal struggles & pain & too see that soooo many people LOVE you!
My Prayers are with you dear. I wish I could help you thru...

[Doody]

(((Pono))) Fasten your seatbelt and hang on sweetie. I hate the place you're in. I think we can all relate and it hurts to see another going through it. It's such an awful place. When it happens, I have to remind myself more than once that it will pass, there will be a day of feeling better.

I'm so sorry. Just keep hanging on and do those things that make you feel better, I don't know what. Love up an animal, look at a tree, watch a good movie, just be nice to yourself. :hug:

[who moi]

reading about hope ,
trying to 'find'
but can't...
by any definition, or in the Hope many have shared


i just can't find, conjure it up

i've been trying to write, but can't find words...
all thats been, come, is now too much
I can't take it.... really can't...
too much happened past days
yesterdays 'events'
felt like the final nail...
today can't stop shaking
or calm my pounding head & heart...

each minute, second excrutiating ...
i'm so sorry ....
for so much...
but regrets don't change what is...

hey pono,

I am so sorry that you're feeling this way...I think many of us can relate thus understand...

what IS hope...even by "definition" is hard to define what it is...

I think everyone has a different take on hope.

you know what I found hopeful? Is that you are taking the time to write out this post. That took a lot of energy, courage...and a bit of HOPE to get it posted...

whatever happened to you yesterday, please don't sit on it and let it eat you up. That's what usually blinds our hopes...

boy...talking about regrets, do I understand and can feel you...I've lived a life of regrets and build on one regret after another...

yet, there's this thing about learning from regrets and then build on it....

I think you're from Hawaii? We might be distantly related. Many many years ago, from the Canton (Guan Dong) province some of my ancestors came to the states and ended up in Hawaii. :) (but I think I'll call you my long cousin anyways. :) )

I wonder if you have that blood running in our blood that make us prone to regrets and then let it eat us alive...

I can't take away your regrets, but I can tell you that you can channel those regrets into something else...

when my dad first died, I was determined to change myself...

I went to a grocery store one day and the cashier was rude. I was really depressed and I beginning to go over the cycle of my father's death and my own regrets and guilts....

I stood there and thought all over to myself and I wondered maybe something has happened to her to be rude....

I told her that I hope she has a wonderful day and that whatever was bugging her, I with that it would get better...and I thanked her and I left...

I walked away feeling better....

rechanneling that regret, dear pono...maybe go somewhere and smile at a person that you know is rude....take some flowers to a very sick child that doesn't know you...walk by a stranger on the street who is begging and give him some food....not exactly those things but you know....

I love the way you post. It's unique and to the point. I wish I have that gift instead of typing out something long and dragging...

but I HOPE that your day(s) will get better and I HOPE that you'll find your self worth by seeing how many folks care about you...

((((BIG HUGS)))))

[GmaSue]

dear Pono, Wegots is right.

You have a gift of communicating that cuts through words
said and unsaid
You touch us
we feel like kindred souls
on the same journey with you
(((together)))

I hope you can also receive as profoundly as you give
we love you.
please hear our communication clearly
we love you.

We can't be there with you
But we're here for you.

You struggle to find hope
and in doing so, define hope
Because that is what it is
Courage to fight
Courage to keep reaching out
Courage to keep struggling...

[BlueMajo]

Pono !!! Hello dear !!! :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug: :hug:

I have been where you are now several times....

I can only say, give it some time... dont try to force it much, hope will come back to you sooner or later... patience honey... I have wanted to quit more than once.... and then, I feel "hope" again...

We are here for you as everybody has already said :grouphug:

Just breathe... if you are feeling pretty bad right now, perhaps take a nap ?? I usually do that and when I wake up again, I feel way better.

XOXO

[Lara]

Thinking of you dear pono and I'm so very sorry it's so difficult for you right now. I reckon that some days it's better not to think about the big questions too much and just go minute to minute, hour to hour. I wonder if you have a friend there or loved one who could come to be near you. I don't mean even in the same room ... just someone near to you, Not to have any heavy conversations, but just to comfort you and be there for you should you need them today. I hope you're feeling safer now. :hug:

[mistiis]

My dear friend pono :hug::hug::hug:sssss, please let me know how you are doing....I love you my friend. :grouphug:

[pono]

My dear friend pono :, please let me know how you are doing....I love you my friend.

i tried to reply yesterday morn but when tried to post, got msg about not being "logged in ' or authorized
... even tho showed i was logged in (username, etc) , had been able to get PM's, etc.
don't know it was me , my puter or ????


oops, hit submit key...too soon...

i'll try come back in a bit and write more....
maybe i'll even recall what i was trying to say & did write....
mahalo for ALL
you've done , and DO
for me and so many others....
aloha

[pono]

is what i'd wanted to relay
and tried to get out yesterday
to thank each of you
for reaching out & touching me...
for showing so many different faces of Hope

there was more in posts lost
feel i need & want to (at least try) write more

Mornings are hard, and have become more so since my father's death
its still dark but hear birds
sun should soon be risin'

gonna try get cuppa & come back...

again THANKS All...

[Burntmarshmallow]

pono sister it is dark here too and the birds are chirping. I have to work today but am going to call you after I am done with work. sending you paryers and strength. chat with you later today. :hug:

[DMACK]

pono :hug:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fIs9HFN7S58

David:hug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

I so enjoyed our chat this afternoon Sister Li.
Please remember know and believe YOU ARE NOT CRAZY!!!!
You ARE A SENSITIVE CARING WONDERFUL PERSON!!!!
I am so glad to be your friend. dont forget to relax and start making list one thing at a time.
Will message you later tonight...
We luv ya lots.
:hug:
:grouphug:
PEACE
BMW

[Doody]

((((Pono)))) Holding you tight!

Birds singing in the dark of the morning. You so reminded me of how long it took me to get over not wanting to hear them. Was so long ago when I was married (1x) to a very abusive husband. I so dreaded an unexpected punch to the face in the middle of the night (which happened often) I didn't sleep well and would hear those birds every morning signaling the start of another new day of fear and dread.

With time, it passed. Love you, hugging you. :hug: We all are. :grouphug:

[pono]

((((Pono)))) Holding you tight!

Birds singing in the dark of the morning. You so reminded me of how long it took me to get over not wanting to hear them. Was so long ago when I was married (1x) to a very abusive husband. I so dreaded an unexpected punch to the face in the middle of the night (which happened often) I didn't sleep well and would hear those birds every morning signaling the start of another new day of fear and dread.

With time, it passed. Love you, hugging you. :hug: We all are. :grouphug:

thanks... :hug: and more :hug:

i wanted to reply to this sooner but puter's been acting up .... now i really don't know what to say...

i'm so sorry you lived this hell... I'm so glad you made it thru. moved on, beyond.... so many don't....
your post touched deeply...

Bless you...

[pono]

i've been wanting, trying to come back & write....
but don't know why....

its been another hard morning....
after another sleepless nite..
in the predawn darkness heard the birds ...singing in the rain....
heard them thru my silent sobs & pain
when i was lying on floor unable to move after another 'drop attack'
i didn't want to hear birds or get up...
but i did....

i got up
but don't know why ...
why
more pain, problems than i can handle --physically, mentally, emotionally

i thought i was stronger...
so many times of getting up, dusting off and carrying on...
tired & worn out, beaten up & down...
so down....

i've prayed for strength, courage, wisdom--whatever is needed to get thru but feel too weak & sick, on every level even spiritually now, to continue....

[gardengrl]

Pono.........I can see all the love others have for you. I don't have any answers but this one thing to say,,,After my accident I was in the worst place, in Every sense of the word! The ONLY thing that helped me at that point was the PRAYERS OF OTHERS....That's what did it! OTHERS, praying FOR me. It worked & it WILL work for you sweetie...just hold on....

[Alffe]

_you will not be cured, but...one day - an idea that will horrify you now -

intolerable misfortune will become a blessed memory of a being who

will never again leave you. But you are in a stage of unhappiness where it

is impossible for you to have faith in these reassurances.

-Marcel Proust

Hugs for the room. :grouphug:

[mistiis]

(((continuing to hold you dear pono))) check your pm box dear friend. Gardengrl can offer you that ray of hope. Did you call your doc? :hug: :grouphug:

[gardengrl]

I Found it...hope it works right, this is my 1st time trying to foward a music link. This is for everyone...


http://www.artistdirect.com/nad/window/media/page/0,,2562941-5317916,00.html

[BlueMajo]

Dear pono,

I know exactly what you mean... Have been where you are now more than once... is like, being tired of being tired... being angry of being angry... being sad of being sad... I mean, you write poetly, I cant, but believe, I was like you for probably 2 whole years.... Hum, as I mentioned before, dont try to force thing... try not to think... try to rest.... if you need to cry, cry... if you need to take a medicine, take it...
Come here, talk to us... Talking helped a lot. Pray. That always help.
Wait for tomorrow... Tomorrow is another day, who knows, it might be a wonderful one.
Never forget we love you.

I send you 1,000,000 hugs. :hug:

[Spanish Moss]

(((((((Pono)))))))

[snoozie]

Pono, you can add me to the list of others praying for you. I lifted your name up to our Father and know that He is there for you...Sue

[Lara]

is like, being tired of being tired... being angry of being angry... being sad of being sad...

That really is it, isn't it.

[BlueMajo]

That really is it, isn't it.

Oh heck yeah....

I reached the point when I was tired of being me, angry of being me, sad of being me because I always was tired, angry and sad...

Uff... But patience... patience... lights will guide you Pono.... time to time...

More hugs and more prayers for you :hug: (X 1,000,000)

[BlueMajo]

Just wanted to leave you more hugs dear pono :hug: (X 1,000,000)

Hope you can start to feel better soon :)

[pono]

thanks for all prayers, support more...
i've been trying to come back & update...
but 'connection' problems w/ puter & LIFE...
I'm sorry...
so sorry for so much, so late, too late...

i wanted to share some of the feelings, 'messages' more that i was 'getting'
about how powerful prayer and to give thanks again for , to all...
to share about feeling the Light that found way into my deep darkness..
about seeing greater "plan' & Truth emerging, thru & in HOPE,
the power of Life ..
Lessons in the 'signs' symbols , seasons -- going from the dead, death of WINTER into the Rebirth, Renewal of spring...
HOPE full...

Vernal Equinox-first day of new season--seemed to usher in Light - on that gray cloudy snowy cold day--felt 'warmth' .
HOPE
that day i really wanted & tried to share that
HopeLOST
found...

but LOST
not only response post
but LOST 'it'
now
more hopeLess than week ago... when began this ..
HopeLOST...
so lost....

so many up & downs... but even with more 'downs' felt i could would pick self up ,dusting off & carry on....
i knew it wouldn't be 'easy' but could would find tway thru-, felt renewed 'strength; thought i could embrace Life and Lessons-- flow with the yin/yang, dark /light, good and and not.... that were LIFE...
that i'd accepted would be part of this process...of dealing with Pain and Grief, LOSSes ...
more LOSSes... too many hit hard , too hard ...
Pain & Grief overwhelming
literally knocked me down ... so down...
feeling that vital energy- Life force go
leaving me alone
now
without hope

HopeLOST
so lost....

the feeling --'too late'
has haunted & taunted...
"too late'
hit too hard...
those feelings i've fought
all i've prayed for...hoped for...
too late...
HopeLost

[Lara]

(((pono))) :(

Hold on.

We're there beside you.

[Koala77]

Pono, I'm sorry that I wasn't here for you when you typed your message. I'm here now though and will be around for the next 3 or 4 hours. If you'd like to talk I'll be here on this thread, or if you feel more comfortable .... just send me a PM.

Don't forget that Sleepless at SOS is there as well. You'll find the link to that thread at the top of the Social Chat Forum, under stickies.

Pono, I'm sending you my love, and I do so hope that you'll come back and talk to me.

Here's my shoulder to lean on, and here's some hugs for you my friend, as I really think you might need them right now.

[BlueMajo]

((((((Pono))))))

Im here too. In case you need to talk.... I know perfectly how you feel... Hold on. Breathe. Time to time.

God Bless. :hug:

[mistiis]

I spoke with our dear pono this afternoon. She is struggling but hanging in with us. ((((hugs and prayers)))) :hug: :grouphug:

[Idealist]

I'm so glad to hear that. :) Thank you, Sunshine...

[Lara]

Thank you for letting us know. We are very concerned.

[Koala77]

Thank you for letting us know. We are very concerned.

Thank you from me as well Mistiis. I too was worried.

[GmaSue]

Many thoughts are with you and even more hugs, pono.

[pono]

I spoke with our dear pono this afternoon. She is struggling but hanging in with us. ((((hugs and prayers)))) :hug: :grouphug:

(((mistiis))) mahalo for call:hug: and for posting

sorry i'd not been able to come back , check in, till now...

THANK ALL for outreach, support, concern
will try to 'update' later...
Blessings...:hug:

[Koala77]

Am here Pono if you need a friend. :hug:

[Burntmarshmallow]

Pono keep holding on and keep coming here. I will be calling you on this Friday when its my day off. cus ya know i like to have time to talk a bit and not have to rush off .
know we all are concerned , we care and we love you. You are a special friend and family member here too. So keep reaching holding on and know we are all here for you.:grouphug:
Luv ya sister.:hug:
PEACE
BMW

[Nik-key]

((PONO)) You have more courage and strength than you can possibly know:hug: I can't know your personal pain dear friend, but I am in the dark abyss with you...I know the strength it takes to surface, to reach out.

We share the physical pains of our diseases

We share the emotional grief of the loss of our fathers

My heart is breaking for the pain I know you are in

Yet, my heart is lightened, my strength renewed, to see you fighting.. and fighting and fighting:hug:

You can make it dear ((pono)) together we can all make it:hug: When we reach the end of our rope, someone here is always willing to tie another knot to help us hang on:hug:

Much love my friend:hug: Nikki

[who moi]

when you bury your face in your hands and cry, dear pono...

and you can't see anything but darkness....

cry as hard as you can and get as angry as you can....

then, lift your head up and blow your nose (so you can breath)

and wipe away those tears...

turn on the puter. Come here and see the light and love....

hope can come in forms of bits and pieces as small as a pin needle...

but hope has one unique talent.

it can GROW exponentially...

one hug can feel like 10 hopes

two hugs can feel like a 100 hopes...

and there are enough hugs here to give you a million hopes...

I'll start you off with a couple...:hug: :hug:

:)

[pono]

first want to Thank ALL for caring concern, outreach , support & more
i
wanted- tried to personally reply,
i'd like to go back & respond to all ... if i don't please know that each every word thought prayer were /are LifeLines
i didn't feel i had the strength to hang on or if i wanted to "hold on" any longer.... but i'm still here.....

My life now feels like a bizarre dream, crazy carnival = full of 'tricksters", scams & games i don't like, want nor know how to play....
like being stuck on those 'thrill' rides i don't like-:eek: like roller coaster.... sickening , nauseous, dizzy shaking confused, scared...
want it to stop; get off/out; ready to jump rather than continue on & on...
in the slower upward climbs begin to see, feel HOPE but then in intense downward drops, lose it.....

ups down all arounds continue....
mornings still hardest for some reason
but 'breakdown' can do occur anytime, place...

HopeLost & Found,
find lose, again..and again.... as these storms continue......
spring storms now ... Spring ... {gonna try hold those thoughts for thread (((Moi))) began--on beginning of Spring....

Realize HOPE is not actually Lost, but obscured -- like the sun lite on this foggy gray morn,
'hidden' by huge cloud of Pain Grief Losses more...

pray... this too shall pass....

[Nik-key]

((Dear sweet Pono)) I feel your pain so cleary by your words.....You speak for my heart as well. What can I do to help you hang on dearheart? Keep reaching out, keep talking... proof that all hope is not lost:hug: proof that you reach others with your words:hug: Proof that so many here love you:hug:I love you, keep swimming my friend:hug:

[pono]

((Dear sweet Pono)) I feel your pain so cleary by your words.....You speak for my heart as well. What can I do to help you hang on dearheart? Keep reaching out, keep talking... proof that all hope is not lost:hug: proof that you reach others with your words:hug: Proof that so many here love you:hug:I love you, keep swimming my friend:hug:

(((Nikki))) I also feel your pain so deeply & clearly
your words so often speak for & to my heart ..
deeply & clearly communicating...
LOVE --
this is How you HELP....

your caring concern & compassionate outreach when you have so much 'on your plate"
your honest sharing
your PAIN & experiences
your courage & strength
your understanding & empathy and so much more...
LOVE

"proof " indeed that all hope is not lost
and reason to 'keep swimmin"

thanks
Love:hug:


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