Interferring Friends~~~~I'm MAD!!!

[Kitty]

:mad:

One of my friends (and I use that term loosely) did me a "favor" as she put it.

She asked me if I'd go out with a friend of her boyfriend's. Only problem with this is......she told him I'd go before checking with me!! :eek: :mad:

Now this friend of mine has been with the same boyfriend for over 20 years. They've never married but they may as well be. I don't know why they haven't.....but it's working like it is now so I guess they figure why fix what's not broken.

Anyway, back to this "favor". I'm sure this man is very nice. She wouldn't fix me up with anyone who didn't pass her rigorous Quality Control checklist. :rolleyes: Oh, and she said she told him about my "issue" and he said not to worry. :confused: "Issue"??? Is that what it's called now?

What is making me so fuming mad is that she basically set this whole thing up before asking me if I wanted to participate. And I don't!

I'm not "man-bashing" here but I just don't have the emotional energy to attempt this again. I've been let down one too many times and I just don't want to go through it again. My wall is up. I don't think anything can knock it down at this point. Whatever does will be a powerful force that has some divine intervention attached.

She cannot understand why I'm not excited about this. She is convinced that I'll feel better if I just "get out more" as she puts it. I've tried to explain things to her but it's like talking to a brick wall. She asked me "what am I supposed to tell him now?". I suggested the truth.

Any suggestions for me? I know she means well but she is about as far removed from my reality as it gets. She has no clue what my life is like now. Deep down I know her intentions are good. She just goes about things the wrong way.

I have a knot in my stomach now and it's making me mad that other people can have this kind of effect on me. I know I don't have to do anything I don't want to. How can she make me feel so guilty about something I had no part in??

I think I need to change my phone number..........:rolleyes:

[Blessings2You]

You probably feel guilty (not that you should) because you truly believe she is well-intentioned.

One of my wise old friends has a saying: "God bless well-meaning people. And God **** well-meaning people." I know what she means.

Can you contact the guy yourself? Give him the "Look, it's nothing personal, my friend means well, blah blah blah" speech?

[Dejibo]

NOT FAIR! :mad:

Tell your friend your "issue" is acting up, and requiring that you be given PRIOR warning before being commited to actions of any kind.

Its nice to get out and meet new people, but not if you feel forced, or insulted into it. The tone will be set all wrong. Tell your friend that your "issue" requires that YOU be in charge of YOUR schedule, and you cannot allow others to make such plans for you.

I hope you are able to tell her how you feel. :hug:

[Kitty]

I've calmed down a bit since writing that post. I'm still mad, though.

You have to know this girl in order to really understand what I mean about how she is. She's one of those people who you know means well but whenever they try to be "helpful" it always comes out wrong.

She had the most dramatic reaction of anyone (even me) when I got my dx. You'd have thought they told me I was going to grow a third arm. I ended up consoling her. :rolleyes:

I'm still trying to decide how to gracefully decline this invitation.

[Twinkletoes]

I don't blame you for being upset.

Why must you be "graceful" when declining this "invitation?"

[Blessings2You]

Because she's classy

[Twinkletoes]

Because she's classy

Hmmmm, I guess so. I must not be all that classy, cuz my first reaction is to just tell her (with my arms crossed and a big frowny face) "No!"

[SandyC]

Kitty, tell her you are not comfortable about the whole thing and that meeting a man was the last thing from your mind. "Getting out" doesn't have to be with a man, sheesh, why do friends think this all the time?

If she's so darn inclined to get you to meet this man, ask her to throw a bbq or somethig casual and go see what all the hype is about. That way your not alone with him, your not pressured and Lord knows, you made her happy. LOL

I can see why your ticked off for sure but you know her more than we do. Forgive her and then slap her for causing so much trouble. hahaha

[Aarcyn]

Gosh Kitty.

This is like a Brain Teaser where I am stymied on a solution.

It is a conundrum in that you do not want to hurt TWO people's feelings

and yet...

You should have been consulted. You do not want to go out with this guy.

You are looking out for you, which is amazing.

When I can't figure out a good solution, I use big words.:rolleyes:

I do like the idea that your issue trumps doing what you do not want to do.

[hollym]

Would you feel better if you said no, or would you feel better if you just went out for a small casual meet up - say for coffee? Put all the other issues that made you mad aside and figure out what would get rid of the knot in your stomach.

Would the knot in your stomach still be there if you said no - would you feel like you were potentially hurting some innocent guy's feelings? If not and if that would make the knot go away, then do that. If it wouldn't be a big deal just to meet the guy and that would make the knot go away, then do that.

If it were me, I would have a hard time saying no (I always do) and it would make me feel more guilty even if it shouldn't. I would probably feel better just playing along, but on my terms (i.e. meeting for a cup of coffee - not dinner and a movie). Then, explaining to my friend that I did meet him, but please don't EVER set me up again.

I'm sure I'm not explaining this really well. I'm super tired and spent too much time in the heat / sun today, so my brain is truly fried. I'm just trying to see what part is really the most bothersome to you (whether it is about meeting the guy or how your friend did it). I am certainly not advocating you to go out with this guy if you are set against it.

I don't like how your friend backed you into a corner about this, though, and I would certainly set her straight on that.

[SallyC]

At first I thought that, she couldn't be much of a friend, or she would have known better than to pull this with you :mad:.........but after you explaining her personna, she sounds like a well meaning, yet socially stupid, friend.:D

You will do what is right for you and your Friend will understand, because she loves you. The guy's feelings is her problem to solve and I'm going to slap you, if you feel guilty about it..:D

[Jo*mar]

Well.....
what about just going out as a casual thing this one time .
no strings attached.
It's not even a real date really. And doesn't have to be.
A real date is when the guy asks you or you ask a guy! IMO

this is just friends getting together with friends.

tell your "gal friend" :rolleyes: No more set ups unless you ask me first.

[PolarExpress]

Your "issue"? LOL..I had "issues" long before MS showed up :D..I totally understand how you feel about this, though. Friends are great, deeply caring friends are rare. You don't wanna hurt their feelings, but you DO have to stand up for yourself. If you don't feel comfortable going, don't go. Since she took it upon herself to set this up, she'll have to take it upon herself to make the change of plans..You certainly don't have to feel guilty about it. Especially if it means being slapped by Sally..:winky:

[Kitty]

I'm purposely waiting till today to call her back. Didn't want to have a knee-jerk reaction and I usually regret what I did if I don't "think on it" for a while (if time allows).

I won't argue with her......meaning I won't repeatedly attempt to explain myself and my "issue" to her. She can take my decision or not. I don't need a matchmaker. Especially if I'm not trying to find a "match"!! :rolleyes:

[braingonebad]

My knee jerk reaction to your guilt is that this is exactly what she is counting on, you feeling guilty enough to go out with this guy. That's how she manipulates you.

Sorry. I'm as subtle as a brick to the head, huh?

But I really think she's trying to make YOU feel like the one who's doing something wrong here. And it's not you, it's her. You'd never set up a date like this, without consulting both parties, would you? Thought not.

So why are you even thinking you should go?

Do not feel bad - not for her, not for him. It's okay that you're mad at her. Don't even need to figure she did this with good intentions - what road is that what's paved with those?

:rolleyes:

Go ahead and be ticked. she's pushing you around.

:hug:

[jprinz99]

You could always go into the call with a plan for saying no with no opportunity for drama or guilt sessions...

Call her up and simply say "No thanks, I'm not interested." followed by a quick push of your own doorbell!!! "Ooops, call you later, gotta go, someone's at the door. Bye!" {hang up}

Works like a charm whenever I have to get a certain dear friend of mine off the phone fast. :winky:

[Jodylee]

Jeeze Kelly, I KNOW you're not into the dating thing! She must be worried about you being at home too much.....I guess. I would tell her that you'd be glad to go out with HER on your own terms when your "issue" isn't giving you a hard time. Follow that with a "bless your heart" lol! Maybe she'll understand then.

You feel guilty becaus that's what most women feel about everything :D! I feel guilty when the cable tv goes out, lol. Like I should've done something to prevent that :D!

[lady_express_44]

Awe, Kitty ... you just need to get l@!d. :D

Cherie

[Kitty]

Jeeze Kelly, I KNOW you're not into the dating thing! She must be worried about you being at home too much.....I guess. I would tell her that you'd be glad to go out with HER on your own terms when your "issue" isn't giving you a hard time. Follow that with a "bless your heart" lol! Maybe she'll understand then.

You feel guilty becaus that's what most women feel about everything :D! I feel guilty when the cable tv goes out, lol. Like I should've done something to prevent that :D!


You know, I think her timing is what's bothering me. The anniversary of my DH passing away is coming up in July. It will be 8 years. Now, I don't get as upset as I used to but I can't help but think about it. The month of July (and summer in general) isn't my most favorite time. We used to go to Daytona Beach for 2 weeks every July. In fact, we were getting ready for the trip when he passed away. :(

I know everyone feels like I should get out more. I hear it all the time...."you're too young to stop living life". Who on earth said I stopped living life?? I just slowed waaaaay down....not by choice, either. :mad:

I'm content with my life. I don't feel like I need a man to "complete" me. Maybe I'm just done with that part of my life. Maybe not. I don't know. But, right now, I'm happy and content with my "aloneness". I'm not lonely. I'm not sad. If I could have my DH back I would, of course. But that's not possible and I'm just fine with the way my life is right now. I just wish others would realize this and stop trying to "fix" me!!!

[Jo*mar]

Ohh, I see now,
if you are totally not interested in going "out" on any "date" type of thing at all then tell her so, if she doesn't like it that's too bad , it's your life.

If it was me- I would not like to be "fixed" up either unless I asked to start meeting people.:(

[TwoKidsTwoCats]

You know, I think her timing is what's bothering me ... AND .... stop trying to "fix" me!!!

Kelly, I think those are the two statements you need to tell your friend. She may mean well, but she really should have talked with you before setting you up. DRAW your BOUNDARIES with her.

:hug:

[DM]

Follow your instincts Kell; you'll know if and when you decide to pursue that avenue. Never worry about making excuses for how you feel.

Sending a hug to you, my friend...

[Kitty]

Thanks so much, ya'll. I'm going to call her this afternoon/evening. I think it'll be fine......she really does mean well but she just doesn't have much going on "up there" if you know what I mean! :p :rolleyes:.

She gets an idea in her head and runs with it.....and runs and runs and runs!! I feel like holding up that sign in the movie Forrest Gump that says "Stop Running Forrest"!! :D

[lady_express_44]

I totally understand what you are saying, Kitty. I have had no interest in meeting anyone for several years now. I have enough going on in my life without a man, and frankly I haven't found them to be particularly beneficial in any way. :p

My b/f is not pleased about my attitude though. :D

Cherie

[Kitty]

I totally understand what you are saying, Kitty. I have had no interest in meeting anyone for several years now. I have enough going on in my life without a man, and frankly I haven't found them to be particularly beneficial in any way. :p

My b/f is not pleased about my attitude though. :D

Cherie


Gosh, I'd of thought he'd be happy you're not out there trying to meet other men!!! :p

Everyone I've met has so much baggage....not to say I don't but the men I've met have all been divorced with teenage (or younger) children and ex-wives that make it their life's mission to try and interfere in their ex-hubby's life.

I have no idea about this guy she's trying to fix me up with. He's a little older than I am so I get the feeling he's probably divorced. Which is fine...not knocking divorced men....but I have enough to keep up with in my life right now with just me. I don't need his, hers and theirs, too!! :rolleyes:

[lady_express_44]

Gosh, I'd of thought he'd be happy you're not out there trying to meet other men!!! :p:

:ROTFLMAO:

Everyone I've met has so much baggage....not to say I don't but the men I've met have all been divorced with teenage (or younger) children and ex-wives that make it their life's mission to try and interfere in their ex-hubby's life.

I have no idea about this guy she's trying to fix me up with. He's a little older than I am so I get the feeling he's probably divorced. Which is fine...not knocking divorced men....but I have enough to keep up with in my life right now with just me. I don't need his, hers and theirs, too!! :rolleyes
:

Well, you can have my b/f. He's in his late 30's, from Georgia, never been married, doesn't have kids, REALLY easy to get along with, doesn't drink or do drugs . . . no baggage, actually.

The only thing is I think you'd have to move to Canada, cause he wants to be here.

Cherie

[Kitty]

Well, you can have my b/f. He's in his late 30's, from Georgia, never been married, doesn't have kids, REALLY easy to get along with, doesn't drink or do drugs . . . no baggage, actually.

The only thing is I think you'd have to move to Canada, cause he wants to be here.


That's a little too young for me......I'm 48 (49 in December). :p

I'd love to move to Canada if the weather's cooler than it is here!! Only problem with that is I won't leave what little family I still have behind here in GA. ;)

[lady_express_44]

Yeah, well I'm 50! He doesn't mind :D, and surprisingly, there really isn't any difference in our maturity levels, etc.

I'd have a hard time leaving my kids, even when they are old enough. Maybe I could talk him into coming back for a Georgian beauty though ...

Cherie

[Kitty]

Yeah, well I'm 50! He doesn't mind :D, and surprisingly, there really isn't any difference in our maturity levels, etc.

I'd have a hard time leaving my kids, even when they are old enough. Maybe I could talk him into coming back for a Georgian beauty though ...

Cherie


Oops! Sorry...........:o

I don't think I could ever willingly leave my kids....even though they are both adults! If anyone leaves anyone it's gonna have to be them. I have enough guilt! :rolleyes:

[AfterMyNap]

I'm content with my life. I don't feel like I need a man to "complete" me. Maybe I'm just done with that part of my life. Maybe not. I don't know. But, right now, I'm happy and content with my "aloneness". I'm not lonely. I'm not sad. If I could have my DH back I would, of course. But that's not possible and I'm just fine with the way my life is right now. I just wish others would realize this and stop trying to "fix" me!!!

Amen and Amen! The story of my life! My friends all love me and treat me very well, they always want me around because I like to have fun, but (a big one), they can't accept that I am single by choice and am entirely content this way!

The best part is, I am often their sounding board for marital woes! LOL, they probably think I'm not really listening!

You don't owe anyone any explanation for anything, Kell. Just say 'no thanks' and forget about it. She is who she is. ;)

[Kitty]

I spoke with her last night. It went well. I explained myself and she actually seemed to be listening. I even got an apology!!! :eek:

I asked her to please explain to this man that I was unaware of the "date" and did not accept the invitation. Even though I don't even know him I don't want him to think I backed out after accepting. She said she would - so I have to trust that she'll keep her word.

I'm glad I waited to talk to her until I was not as upset as before. Even though she does things that drive me batty I've known her for years and don't want to hurt her feelings.

I promised her that if I ever do decide to go out with anyone she will be my mid-date "escape call" should I need one!! :cool:

[Blessings2You]

I figured you'd handle it well. Firm, but kind. I knew you were classy.

[Kitty]

I figured you'd handle it well. Firm, but kind. I knew you were classy.


Well.....she means well.....bless her heart!! :p

[Blessings2You]

HAHAHA, I know enough "southern talk" to know that "why, bless your heart" means "you're so stupid"! :D

[ckepi]

You know, I think her timing is what's bothering me. The anniversary of my DH passing away is coming up in July. It will be 8 years. Now, I don't get as upset as I used to but I can't help but think about it. The month of July (and summer in general) isn't my most favorite time. We used to go to Daytona Beach for 2 weeks every July. In fact, we were getting ready for the trip when he passed away. :(

I know everyone feels like I should get out more. I hear it all the time...."you're too young to stop living life". Who on earth said I stopped living life?? I just slowed waaaaay down....not by choice, either. :mad:

I'm content with my life. I don't feel like I need a man to "complete" me. Maybe I'm just done with that part of my life. Maybe not. I don't know. But, right now, I'm happy and content with my "aloneness". I'm not lonely. I'm not sad. If I could have my DH back I would, of course. But that's not possible and I'm just fine with the way my life is right now. I just wish others would realize this and stop trying to "fix" me!!!


I know I'm late with my opinion but I think you should print this response of yours out and give it to her.

[ckepi]

I spoke with her last night. It went well. I explained myself and she actually seemed to be listening. I even got an apology!!! :eek:

I asked her to please explain to this man that I was unaware of the "date" and did not accept the invitation. Even though I don't even know him I don't want him to think I backed out after accepting. She said she would - so I have to trust that she'll keep her word.

I'm glad I waited to talk to her until I was not as upset as before. Even though she does things that drive me batty I've known her for years and don't want to hurt her feelings.

I promised her that if I ever do decide to go out with anyone she will be my mid-date "escape call" should I need one!! :cool:


Good for you!!!!!

[FaithS]

I admire your desire to be graceful.

I'd simply tell her, "Thank you for your good intentions, but you'll have to tell him that I am not available for the date. (Friend's name), I'm simply not interested."

~ Faith