What to say, where to go...?

Secret Grace · 10-05-2011, 01:16 AM

I have been reading different things on here and I just do not know where this belongs.

I have Lupus and it is a nasty thing that causes me terrible pain at times in my joints and bones. I deal rather well with my health issues most of the time, but not lately. There are many issues that I feel are going to lead to a downfall soon if I do not change things. I have felt the spiral beginning once again.
I have a decent enough job that I used to love, but I am trying my best to deal with the terrible new boss I have had since April. It has really been hard to be upbeat and effective with this idiot in charge. I have been gaining weight due to meds and depression. It is hard to want to exercise. It only causes an increase in the pain I already deal with. So I work and come home.

My life revolves around being able to produce money. I am not sure what to do anymore but the biggest problem... the one that continues to haunt me is addiction. I have walked away twice from pills and alcohol. Scared of pills... I don't even take the amount of pain meds my Dr's will give me but lately I have found myself drinking way too much. I drink whiskey... straight, 3 ice cubes glass after glass until the pain leaves my bones and my mind is numb as

I watch stupid TV like Scrubs alone in my Apt. I have stopped dating due to not having the energy to have a social life, my friends are busy raising their children and I can not disappoint everyone once again by falling apart. I have been blacking out and posting all kinds of stupidness on Facebook. I never cared about offending people, but have never went out of my way to do it. To be honest I wish they all would leave. I don't want anyone witnesses to this. I can hide it for the most part. Really nobody will notice until the rent is late.

I am not sucidial at all. I am becoming extremely isolated though. I don't call much Mom anymore... She has been thorough enough with me, and deals with my brothers who are bigger screw ups than I could ever be. They say alcohol is poison and I guess I drink it because I want something inside of me to die.

Life can not be like this. A man without purpose slowly dies inside. Addiction removes purpose, and equals death as well. I have not drank in a few days out of fear.... I have been watching another person at work just fall apart (I know he is drinking more than I could imagine and has been for years and has reached the edge of the cliff) and helping them has been a bit of a band-aid on my own life but the issues remain. Alcohol, depression, weight gain, Lupus eating me alive... I can control the drinking. I just am in limbo on many levels.

Where do I go from here. I know all my issues. I am truthful to myself and there is no denial. There is no answers in my head right now. Just wasting time as usual...

Katiebell · 10-05-2011, 08:27 AM

I applaud your courage to come forward! I, too, am a recovering addict and suffer from depression. I was able to get clean 7 years ago next month, but it has taken me much longer to get my depression under control.

Secret Grace, I can tell by what you've written that you are a strong person and are struggling to be happy again. You have taken the first of many difficult steps and I am so proud of you! Everyone in this support group is here to support you in your journey and love you no matter what!

Alffe · 10-05-2011, 09:10 AM

Hi Secret Grace and welcome to NeuroTalk. I'm not surprised that you didn't know where to post..I had trouble locating a Lupus forum too. Here is a link you might try....http://www.diseasesdatabase.com/ddb12782.htm

Like Katiebell, I admire your honesty!

Jo*mar · 10-05-2011, 12:55 PM

We have an Autoimmune Diseases forum here -
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum44.html

and

Alcoholism, Addiction and Recovery forum
http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum31.html

MelodyL · 10-05-2011, 03:53 PM

HI Secret Grace:

Your story breaks my heart. Don't know what else to say. Have you ever considered AA (I gather you might have gone there in the past)??

Anyway, all I can do is send warm thoughts your way and here's a hug.

And if you want to just lie back and laugh, click on my youtube channel. I guarantee you'll get a chuckle or two.

And we all need to laugh once in a while.

Take care,

Melody

Darlene · 10-06-2011, 12:41 AM

Secret Grace,

Hello and welcome to NeuroTalk. Happy to see you have come to be with us. Just let us know if we can be of any help.

As you can tell there is number and caring fellow members here to assist you. Our shoulders are here for support in many ways.

Again welcome, looking forward to seeing you around. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Darlene

Secret Grace · 10-31-2011, 02:53 PM

Thank you all. Things have been difficult. I have been doing slightly better. Still not going out much but I have tried to take a few more breaths and breaks. Trying to see things from others views and slow my temper. Have not got drunk in a week... drank beer socially one night when I was so alone (yet not wanting my friends to see how pathetically depressed I was). I went to Buffalo Wild Wings and watched Monday night football with strangers and eat the sampler and acted happy, It was good step socially to be out but I really need to feel better about seeing my friends. I did not attend my high school reunion this week because I am so bloated and fat from the meds and lack of exercise I look like ****. I literally missed the chance to see 100 people who I shared many years with because I was too ashamed of how I look right now. I have too many issues it seems, but once again thank you all for being here for me.
Best Regards,
Secret Grace

Katiebell · 11-01-2011, 03:19 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Secret Grace

Thank you all. Things have been difficult. I have been doing slightly better. Still not going out much but I have tried to take a few more breaths and breaks. Trying to see things from others views and slow my temper. Have not got drunk in a week... drank beer socially one night when I was so alone (yet not wanting my friends to see how pathetically depressed I was). I went to Buffalo Wild Wings and watched Monday night football with strangers and eat the sampler and acted happy, It was good step socially to be out but I really need to feel better about seeing my friends. I did not attend my high school reunion this week because I am so bloated and fat from the meds and lack of exercise I look like ****. I literally missed the chance to see 100 people who I shared many years with because I was too ashamed of how I look right now. I have too many issues it seems, but once again thank you all for being here for me.
Best Regards,
Secret Grace

I get where you're coming from, Secret Grace! I missed my high school reunion a couple years ago for similar reasons. Next time, right?