I have vaginismus and unfortunately I haven't been 'cured' yet. It resulted from the onset of a pain condition, which lowered the sex drive and my partner's subsequent reactions: jealousy, intimidation, guilt tripping etc. And I have a history of being assaulted.
So far this is what I have been doing: wearing super-plus tampons every day (use lube to insert), watching erotic tv (for me it's the L word and I think the lack of male-penetration helps encourage my comfort/interest, but that's how I roll
, reliving the sexual activities of my youth (I'm 37): hands, dry-^&&^&^ (actually fun), etc. and trying to get pleasure to run both ways without penetration. Putting fun back in and removing the 'threat' of intercourse helps a lot.
And I try to use Mr. Pinky (my vibe) whenever I get some time alone. It helps to keep me feeling sexual, and remind me how delicious orgasms are.
As for intercourse, it's a nightmare. I am seeing a sexual psychiatrist (what an interesting job that must be!) in the next couple weeks and will PM you the details. Over the phone they warned that seeing them is 'not a quick fix', so I may get sent home with sexual activities to do, history unearthing miseries etc., but it's for good. My pain specialist said that lidocaine would be a good idea, but didn't know how to prescribe it for this purpose (we were in the OR - no 'big book' to consult), so I'll see about that too.
For now I just try and supplement intercourse with comfortable activities, and when I do try it, practice 'pap smear breathing', bite the pillow (hush!), and try to relax my vag walls. I take extra pain medication an hour before, smoke some pot (I have a license), and use a LOT of lube targeted at matching female lubrication (look for the kind made for perimenopausal/menopausal women).
Remember this is not your fault and you did not cause this. Be good to yourself and force your partner to be good to you too.