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She is coming home!!

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Unread 04-13-2012, 02:14 AM   #1
mbrook
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Angry She is coming home!!

Its been a week and she has refused to see me or talk to me. To be honest I'm not ready to talk to her. I am trying to prossess and deal.

Out of no where she calls me to say she is coming home tomorrow.

She said she wassorry for not being honest with me BUT I made her feel like I didn't care or want her around.

I know she is fragle and having a hard time I'm not ready to talk to her that she will feel rejected and that wont help ether.

How did I end up in this place? Why is this happening?

I just need some space!
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Unread 04-13-2012, 08:58 AM   #2
nalakity
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mbrook View Post
Its been a week and she has refused to see me or talk to me. To be honest I'm not ready to talk to her. I am trying to prossess and deal.

Out of no where she calls me to say she is coming home tomorrow.

She said she wassorry for not being honest with me BUT I made her feel like I didn't care or want her around.

I know she is fragle and having a hard time I'm not ready to talk to her that she will feel rejected and that wont help ether.

How did I end up in this place? Why is this happening?

I just need some space!

Why does she feel like you don't want her around?
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Unread 04-13-2012, 11:17 AM   #3
mbrook
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Because I kept reenforcing my bounderies and tryed to stop her from using me as a dumping ground.

She is very "me focused"and thinks that everything that I do and say is about her.

Its beenvery hard to have my own life and feelings when she wants me tobelong and only think of her.
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Unread 04-13-2012, 12:22 PM   #4
jaded2nite
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Sweetie

Clearly this relationship is unhealthy for both of you!

I wish I had some advice, bu Ii think you already know what you need to do.

Don't feel guilty about taking care of YOU!!!!
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Unread 04-13-2012, 12:32 PM   #5
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Can the hospital discharge her to a halfway house, or a residential place that can provide better for her needs, and allow you the space you need to take care of yours? This sounds like an unhealthy place for you both to be. You MUST take great care of YOU first, and then worry about others. Im glad you are thinking about how to protect yourself. Can you go visit your someone for the weekend? or have her go to her parents place? or another relative? This is not your child is it?
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Unread 04-13-2012, 04:25 PM   #6
Lara
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Just my thoughts...

She's probably not talked to you for the week because she had someone else to be dependent upon while in the hospital. Now that's coming to an end she needs you again. She's dependent on you.

She needs someone all the time to focus on her. When you're not doing that (and you were focusing totally on her in the beginning because of the incidents that happened and before it all got too much) she's reacting in a manner which is making you feel neglectful or not a good friend. Seems manipulative actually.

I'm not saying she's doing any of this for some horrible or spiteful reason. She'll obviously ill, but until she learns to become stronger and more independent in the way she lives and the way she forms relationships, it'll always be this way.

She is hopefully continuing with regular therapy after she leaves hospital and hopefully that will help her detach a little from you. The decision to separate needs to be a joint decision under the circumstances but all this makes me wonder if her therapist or doctors involved in her care are aware at all of the situation at home with you. If they're not aware, it makes me wonder why not. You'd think that would be something a therapist would think about under the circumstances.

p.s. and you ended up in this place (as you asked) because you didn't realize what was going on in the first place. Not until she took the pills. That was the final straw for her, not the first straw. She'd perhaps been holding on by a thread for so long until it all became too overwhelming for her. It's really sad she didn't look for help long ago before she got to that desperate point in her life again. You stood by her and worried about her and tried to help her. She's clung onto that and that also makes me wonder if she has any other friends in her life besides you...
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Last edited by Lara; 04-13-2012 at 04:46 PM.
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Unread 04-13-2012, 08:49 PM   #7
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Hi,

sorry if i haven't been following, but i think i've caught the drift of this situation, even though not all the details. i just wanted to comment on the blameful "style" of communication you are subject to. it is actually quite common, and can be a source of immense distress, discord and misunderstanding.

Quote:
Originally Posted by mbrook View Post
She said she wassorry for not being honest with me BUT I made her feel like I didn't care or want her around.
You did not make her feel. She felt this, under perhaps certain circumstances, based on her own thoughts, her own feelings and her own expectations of you.

It is beneficial for people to learn to communicate with non blameful statements, because they are distortions. However, linguistic patterns are established at a young age, so even those who do learn better forms later on sometimes revert old patterns, especially when in distress.

When we are at the receiving end of a blameful statement we do have the opportunity to reprocess what is said. We can convert it in our minds to a, "When you... I feel..." form. This form expresses only a correlation between our actions and the speaker's feelings. It attributes responsibility for the speaker's feelings to them, and not to us. It is a more accurate statement.

We might still wish to ask ourselves whether we are doing something inappropriate, but if, in good conscience, we feel we are not, then we can move on. Moving on might involve inquiring more from the person, or the end of the conversation, depending on the situation and our own needs. In your case, if you do not feel safe/comfortable exploring her feelings, i would suggest to her that she discuss your relationship with a therapist. (No worries! A therapist will see right through statements of the form "she makes me feel...")

Bottom line: You do not cause another's feelings. You are not responsible for the expressed feelings.

i hope this helps you in your reprocessing and dealing and coping.

hang in there. I am sending you my best wishes.

~ waves ~
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Unread 04-19-2012, 07:27 AM   #8
Alffe
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How is it going mbrook?
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Unread 04-19-2012, 01:57 PM   #9
mbrook
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She is still staying with her parents. I'm going to try and meet with her tomorrow to discuss boundries and responcibility for one actions.

I did see her the day she got out. It went ok but she did say that she was feeling vonerable the day before she went into the hospital. She wanted to talk with me "but you know it takes me a while to get comfortable and I fell asleep and then you kicked me out of your room. You made me feel unwanted and unloved and like you didn'tcare."

So that lead to her having a horrible night and suicidal thoughts and thats why she went into the hospital.

Baclava!!! (substitute for bad word)

I'm not ready for her to come home and to deal with her drama.

On a positive note I drove for the first time sence my auto accident (Dec 09) this week. I rocked it!!!
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Unread 04-19-2012, 03:38 PM   #10
Alffe
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Congratulations on driving mbrook....that is huge!! And I think "baby steps" on moving in together is in order...and a boundary discussion is a must. Especially since she thinks you are responsible for what she is feeling.
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