sorry if i haven't been following, but i think i've caught the drift of this situation, even though not all the details. i just wanted to comment on the blameful "style" of communication you are subject to. it is actually quite common, and can be a source of immense distress, discord and misunderstanding.
Originally Posted by mbrook
She said she wassorry for not being honest with me BUT I made her feel like I didn't care or want her around.
You did not make
her feel. She felt
this, under perhaps certain circumstances, based on her own
thoughts, her own
feelings and her own
It is beneficial for people to learn to communicate with non blameful statements, because they are distortions. However, linguistic patterns are established at a young age, so even those who do learn better forms later on sometimes revert old patterns, especially when in distress.
When we are at the receiving end of a blameful statement we do have the opportunity to reprocess what is said. We can convert it in our minds to a, "When you... I feel..." form. This form expresses only a correlation
between our actions and the speaker's feelings. It attributes responsibility for the speaker's feelings to them, and not to us. It is a more accurate statement.
We might still wish to ask ourselves whether we are doing something inappropriate, but if, in good conscience, we feel we are not, then we can move on. Moving on might involve inquiring more from the person, or the end of the conversation, depending on the situation and our own needs. In your case, if you do not feel safe/comfortable exploring her feelings, i would suggest to her that she discuss your relationship with a therapist. (No worries! A therapist will see right through statements of the form "she makes
Bottom line: You do not cause another's feelings
. You are not responsible for the expressed feelings.
i hope this helps you in your reprocessing and dealing and coping.
hang in there. I am sending you my best wishes.
~ waves ~