Join Date: Jul 2010
Feeling guilty and despaired (explicit content!)
This may not be the most appropiate place to post this, but I need to tell what happened to me and maybe get some opinions... I'm feeling almost physically sick because of this
I'm a 16 years old male from Santiago, Chile and I need advice on a strong sexual experience I had recently. I think my story may be a bit long but I think that everything must be said to understand my situation, and given the anonimity of the Internet, I hope I can talk with complete confidence.
I've always had problems to relate with other people. And I mean on every ground, not just sexually. When I was a young boy I had no friends, a situation which changed when I reached puberty and found a group of friends when I was about 12, who helped me (without knowing) to get rid of a strong internet addiction. It was a healthy group, many of whom are my friends today, and they were both boys and girls.
However, people change. I remained connected only to two of them when I entered High School (which begins when you are 14 in Chile), which led me to a complete social isolation on my 1st highschool year. I passed through a moderate depression and besides this two friends, I didn't interact frequently with anyone. I spent almost every weekend and holiday at home. As it can be expected this is also an age where all my classmates began their sexual discovery. But since I was alone, I couldn't. This year, I think, I began to do one of the sickest stuff I've ever done; to cope with the lack of a girlfriend and sexual experiences with the girls from my school, I tried cybersex.
Before anything else, to clarify what will be told, I've never felt attracted to men emotionally. The idea of kissing a man or dating a guy is repulsive to me. However, cybersex is almost impossible to get with girls, the only chat rooms with girls are paid. And I began having webcam sessions with other guys (always teenagers). They were sporadical (they took place about once a month) and I always got a feeling of guilt after them. These sessions caused me doubts about my sexual orientation, I asked myself "Does this mean I am gay?", "Am I bisexual?"...
My parents (who are very supportive) didn't know about this, but they obviously noticed my other issues and realized that I had sociability problems, so they got me an excellent psychologist and with his help I could "re-encounter" my old friends and meet new ones. This was about one year ago. Since then, I almost never experienced feelings of rejection and loneliness again, I made great friends and I have felt good since.
However, I'm still too shy in romantic situations, and while I've fell in love with a couple of girls, I've always failed to approach them and I always end up being "the friend, not boyfriend", so while the frequency of the cybersex decreased, it didn't dissapear.
Now, the real problem. Yesterday, I was feeling anxious, had the oportunity, and the cybersex became real sex. By an internet chat, I met a 18 years old male. I didn't find him attractive, but I was feeling "hot" and I wanted desperately to have some "real" sexual contact, since masturbation and pornography stopped being satisfying for me since a while. Why a guy?, I don't know. I've never felt gay, I've never fell in love with a man, I had been dating a girl a couple of months ago (and I stopped because we argued, not because I stopped finding her attractive)... But I needed sex. And this was the only way I could get easy sex. So he came to my house, we masturbated and gave oral sex to each other, and then he left. It was "express sex". It was the first and hopefully the last time I'll see him.
I went to sleep after this and today I woke up feeling destroyed, almost raped even if I consented everything. My doubts were answered, but in the worst way possible... I now know I'm not gay nor bisexual, but I still feel hurt. I'm having repulsive flashbacks, I feel miserable, sometimes I feel like the **** is coming out of my chest... I wish I had answered this "doubts" by another way. I think what hurts me more is the impersonality. A guy that I didn't know simply came to my house, we got naked, we had sex and he left. It wasn't a friend, a person I trusted, it was just a horny guy, it wasn't natural sexual experimentation, it was a sick thing... But I did it. And I feel hurt, and I can't talk this to my parents, I'm even too embarrassed even to tell this to my psychologist, it's tough even to write it, I'm shivering while I do it, I shiver while I read it... I feel like I'll have to deal with this alone, and I have now a desperate need for the girlfriend I've always wanted, to get some support, to hug her, to kiss her, to feel "normal" and to love her and be loved, as corny as it may sound...
How can I cope with this horrible feeling?
(sorry for the poor english, my first language is spanish)