wanting more communication with elderly parents

[Mari]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

how did you find out they were sexually abused? were they ever treated for it?
it is so hard to accept who they are. I am so sorry for the frustration you must feel.
bobby

Bobby,

This came out in my therapy. In my twenties, several therapists insisted that I be treated for sexual abuse because I had the symptoms.
They said that I was refusing to remember what happened to me -- or some kind of craziness.

Current tdoc agrees with me that my parents act like victims of sexual abuse and have passed that down to me. I can't explain it right --- brain is not in thinking gear this morning.

My father has talked to my siblings and me about being abused by a priest when he was an altar boy. He told his own parents at the time and the bishop got the priest transferred.
My mother has never talked about her past, but she and her sisters have every symptom of abuse victims.

I really hate lazy therapists that tried to put that on me. I know that my parents protected me.

M

[Mari]

Originally Posted by waves

This is great. I think you need to see this as a process. The way you relate to each other has been built over a long period - decades. Everything cannot be reversed, but changes can be made. However the changes will not happen overnight. What you describe here sounds like progress. I would not give up, but rather try to tune into their pace, and go with that.

Dear Waves,

I have observed that some families develop "traditions" of dealing with eath other that go back generations. In other words, part of what is going on has nothing to do with me. It has to do with how they (we) were taught by observing their (our) own parents and grandparents.

Having said that, my parents and I get along better over long distance phone calls than we do in person. I moved out when I was 18 and have not been back for more than two or three days at a time.

Dad and I had a huge fight the last time I visited him. He and Mom have been coming to see me one a year for about five years now.

I hear you. Ask yourself why. Do you want things to just "be different?" ... that is not realistic of course. It doesn't matter, you can still have the feelings of frustration. But perhaps you can mitigate those feelings with the understanding that this process does seem to be going forward... at least as far as I can tell.

After years of therapy and shelves of self-help books, I do not expect things to be better or different. If I could ask for a little more cooperation about health matters I would feel better.

My mother had a total hysterectomy without telling her children until a week later when my sister figured out something was going on.
I reminded my father when we had our face to face convo last August that when doctors ask my about my mother's health, I do not have any answers. I even exaggerated and said that as far as my family health info, I might as well be an orphan. His response at the time was that if I have any questions about my mother's health I can always ask him as long as I do not tell my mother.

. . . this is what often what people who grew up in abusive homes do . . . keep secrets. . . .

I am not sure what I want. . . . .so I do not know what is bothering me.. . .
It helped me tremendously to write it out here.
Thanks for your replies. They helped a lot.

M

[Mari]

Originally Posted by waves

Dear Mari
It didn't sound silly to me in the slightest. I see progress and more intimate connections slowly (yes! slowwwly!) being formed in the interactions you described.

Dear Waves,

I am not really sure what tdoc would say.
I am pretty sure that she is about cutting losses and moving on. She has been seeing me since summer 2005. Whenever I get stressed, she encourages me to remove the source of it if possible.

I waited until I could think this through for a while, but it is too late at night (early morning) for me to make sense.

My appointment in May with her is within a day or two of his operation. That proximity of dates will give me reason to talk to her.

M

[mymorgy]

your father showed a lot of strength as a child as he was able to tell what happened to him. their issues sound insurmountable to me but maybe it is my mood but i don't think so. i also feel there is a true closeness between you and them and maybe it might help to focus on that positive rather than focus on their pathology. it must be so very frustrating. there is definite love.
bobby

[Mari]

Bobby,
I love what you wrote here. It made me cry -- in a nice way.
There is closeness and I can focus on the positive.

M

[Mari]

Hi,

I let my boss know that I was not available this summer except via email because I have to go to Texas for my father after his surgery. I practiced saying that first to Work Buddy and then to another friend. By the time I said it to the boss, I felt like I was telling the truth..

This summer Work Buddy will work a little with each other via email / computer and occasionally over the phone but not in my office like we did ALL last summer.
Some of my students are comfortable calling me or texting. That is ok.

M

[waves]

Dear Mari

I am so glad you found a way to get away from your suffocating work environment this summer.

I realize what you said to your boss was meant as a viable excuse, but I wonder if you are possibly considering a trip to see your dad, as well?



~ waves ~

[mymorgy]

I think that is great. you worked too hard last summer and you are really delicate as we all are with bipolar. stress makes things so much worse.
are you going to visit your father?
bobby

[Mari]

Originally Posted by mymorgy

I think that is great. you worked too hard last summer and you are really delicate as we all are with bipolar. stress makes things so much worse.
are you going to visit your father?
bobby

Hi, Bobby and Waves,

I do not plan to visit my parents. My Sister, BIL, and parents would find it disruptive.
Dad told me that he and Mom plan to visit me in August.

I have thought about going. When I talk to them on the phone next, I will make an offer to visit.

M

[Mari]

My sleeping and eating and sunshine-ing is all out of whack -- even compared to my usual mess. I am out of sync with myself. I feel soooo crummy.

I had a sort of organizational lunch meeting with some guys and a gal about a new chapter of a professional organization they are forming. We were talking about work but it was stuff outside my normal range of stuff. It was good to be around them. They are good.


-->>In a crazy moment a few days ago, I decided to co-plan an end of the year party.
WHAT WAS I THIKING!?!
My party partner is doing more than I am, but he will expect me to maybe go / drive with him with him to the party


M