Chronic pain undermines Marriage

[Susanne C.]

I believe that both Blaine and I mentioned that at least some of our children are adopted, so even though I would disagree that there are too many people in the world, these people were already here

Also, both of us have been diagnosed in the recent past, after having our families. I would not want to be taking care of an infant right now, but I can handle a 12 and 17 year old.

There are a few differences between children and hobbies or pets! Most of us probably have both. Children are infinitely more rewarding, both in the short term and the long run. But parenting isn't everyone's cup of tea. Obviously

[melon]

Originally Posted by Susanne C.

I believe that both Blaine and I mentioned that at least some of our children are adopted, so even though I would disagree that there are too many people in the world, these people were already here

Also, both of us have been diagnosed in the recent past, after having our families. I would not want to be taking care of an infant right now, but I can handle a 12 and 17 year old.

There are a few differences between children and hobbies or pets! Most of us probably have both. Children are infinitely more rewarding, both in the short term and the long run. But parenting isn't everyone's cup of tea. Obviously

I dunno about that , a kid will eventually judge you ( unless its been very well trained ) and criticize as most humans do, but an animal will love you unconditionally forever regardless of how you look or how ill you get - that is the beauty of pets and animals .

Humans are only like this when their toddlers before being influenced and conditioned by society, media and everything else , and occasionally they become aware of it enough to change it.. but not often

m

[Aussie99]

In relation to getting angry about parents, friends, and other family members not coming to the party... I have learned the lesson of not having any expectations. I found that I measured people by how I believed I would behave in the same situation. When they fell short, I felt betrayal and pain. It was only when I finally let go that I was finally able to be free of all that.

[Susanne C.]

Originally Posted by Aussie99

In relation to getting angry about parents, friends, and other family members not coming to the party... I have learned the lesson of not having any expectations. I found that I measured people by how I believed I would behave in the same situation. When they fell short, I felt betrayal and pain. It was only when I finally let go that I was finally able to be free of all that.

Excellent point! I have found that expectations make all the difference between contentment and misery. Having been raised to fulfill an unrealistic set of expectations I expect nothing from my children, so as not to inflict my misery on them. I do expect honesty, communication, and empathy from my husband, however, and sometimes I am disappointed. Not that he doesn't try, but these things are hard for him. And in believing that I am better at them than he is, I may be deluded.

[Aussie99]

Originally Posted by Susanne C.

Excellent point! I have found that expectations make all the difference between contentment and misery. Having been raised to fulfill an unrealistic set of expectations I expect nothing from my children, so as not to inflict my misery on them. I do expect honesty, communication, and empathy from my husband, however, and sometimes I am disappointed. Not that he doesn't try, but these things are hard for him. And in believing that I am better at them than he is, I may be deluded.

I have found that relationships are difficult at the best of times. Add a chronic illness in there and it can become complex for all involved. I have just moved in with my guy, and I was feeling great when we met 1.5 years ago. I am back to feeling really sick and having tons of pain. I am having a 2nd assault of PN probably due to my thryroid/autoimmune issues.

To make the long story short I think that most of the problems experienced in our relationship are due to a lack of pain control/ management for me. Yesterday I had level 8/9 pain all day.I broke down twice and even threatened to move out for no reason. I don't want to move out. I just moved in. What was my problem....THE PAIN!!

If most of us weren't in so much pain the quality of our lives would be so much better. My pain also gives me massive anxiety and makes me feel demoralised. When you feel like that, how can you give your best to someone else?? I am no hero, I am on panadol osteo with little success right now. I need to talk to my GP about a better nerve drug to help manage this pain. I also have a 12 year old boy and a full time job. Hands full like most women. God give us strength.

[teacherfeet]

Originally Posted by Blaine

I need recommendations for counseling services for my husband and myself. I have been dealing with chronic pain(peripheral nueropathy) for nearly 3 years now and my marriage is severelly damaged. I would really appreciate any feedback on workshops or therapists in the Northern California/Bay area regions of California. We have done some therapy through our childrens therapist(adoption therapy), but it is not working out. We are a whisper away from divorce and I don't want to go there.... I would really like someone who understands chronic pain and its impact on a relationship/family.

Any feedback would be appreciated

Blaine, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this. My marriage is also suffering because of chronic pain. We have only been married for 3 years (2nd marriage for both). My husband has a high tolerance for pain and has little to no empathy.

[adelina]

Originally Posted by teacherfeet

Blaine, I just wanted to let you know that you aren't alone in this. My marriage is also suffering because of chronic pain. We have only been married for 3 years (2nd marriage for both). My husband has a high tolerance for pain and has little to no empathy.

Thanks, it is really hard. When my issues first began he was empathetic, but as it became "the norm" he has become remote to the point of indifferent and cold. I can totally imagine how someone who has a high pain tolerance level reacts towards pn. Its hards for us ouselves to understand. Does your husband ever stub his toe? I use this analogy with my husband as this describes the pain in my arms often times. I know your pn symptoms might be different then mine but try coming up with analogy that he can relate to then tell him that your symptoms don't disapate like his would. They are just long continous unjulating chains of misery! HA! sometimes this works sometimes it doesn't. It (pn) has just become the elephant in the room now.

Things are not going so well right now. Christmas is coming and we don't really have enough money for everything so hubby is very stressed. So he is being very mean to me. He gets very angry every night and is horribly insulting to me. He apologizes the next morning, but does it again in the evening. This is really rediculous. I know he harbors resentment towards me about my condition and that I can not contributue more towards the family; he, in one of his mean moods, had demeaned about my condition. I have tried every method I can think of to avoid these moods of his - now I just get up and go to another room or go to sleep. But it is really ruining our relationship. Any advise? What do you do in your marriage, if you don't mind me asking, what sort of problems do you have? How do communicate during problem times?

[Sally Mae]

I agree that it's really hard to tell people close to you what's going on with your pain. My social life comes to a screeching halt when I get sick. Some friends will be patient with you when you cancel plans and others get ****** off. For the one's who get ****** off at you, if that person hasn't ever experienced the horrific pain of a migraine or any other severe pain from a disease/health condition, they just don't get it. Some of them may want to understand but there will always be a big gap in terms of understanding for those that don't have chronic pain.

I have also found it particularly frustrating when some people don't seem to think it's real or as bad as I say it is. That hurts to get that type of response. Those of you who suffer from chronic severe migraine probably have experienced this too when dealing with others. Some friendships drift away because a friend doesn't know how to deal with disability/chronic pain. I've lost a few friends because of my health issues. As it turns out, the ones that left were lacking in other areas too so maybe it's for the best that they're gone now. The friends that have stuck around I cherish more than ever.

All we can do is keep trying to help our family and close friends to understand what it is that we go through. Just because they don't always understand doesn't mean they don't love us or don't want to help. We have to find other ways to help them understand and sometimes have to tell them specifically what it is that we need help with when having a flare up.

[anhedonia]

Originally Posted by adelina

I need recommendations for counseling services for my husband and myself. I have been dealing with chronic pain(peripheral nueropathy) for nearly 3 years now and my marriage is severelly damaged. I would really appreciate any feedback on workshops or therapists in the Northern California/Bay area regions of California. We have done some therapy through our childrens therapist(adoption therapy), but it is not working out. We are a whisper away from divorce and I don't want to go there.... I would really like someone who understands chronic pain and its impact on a relationship/family.

Any feedback would be appreciated

I am replying to thiis as someone who has severe peripheral neuropathy for about ten years now and can not work, nor pursue my hobbies or do yard work etc. I am in servere chronic pain and I'm on two different opiates and Lyrica. I was a psychiatric social worker who did pyschotherapy for some thirty years in a hospital clinic and twenty years privately in addition. So I know the therapy profession and what it is like to deal with servere pain daily. First off do not feel guilty that it is your fault your marriage is not working as half of those people with MS are divorced by their spouses sooner or later. Most people today are in a marriage as long as the other can work, function etc, but as soon as some serious mental health or physical health problem that is chronic comes along they say they weren't cut out for this and start to bail. Many of them make their spouses so miserable, the spouse who is ill files for divorce, so they can feel more like they are the victim. From the way you are treated it seems to me you have grounds for divorce, if you need them in your state. Most therapists have little experience personally with chronic pain nor know much about doing marriage therapy with a couple dealing with these issues. Sure they will tell you they are very experienced but ask them how many couples have they seem with your problems or if they have had chronic pain themselves. If they tell you it is confidential, take another number. Best place to find someone would be a recommendation from a pain mangement clinic. Best of luck, and by the way ask your husband what he would like you to do if he came down with MS and he couldn't work or function sexually, as it seems like both of you are young enough for this to happen.

[Brue]

I appreciate what people are saying on this thread very much. I have toxic neuropathy in both feet, and got the diagnosis recently even though it took about two years for them to find out what it is. When my contract is over at work (I am struggling to fulfill it), in a month or two, I had offered to move in with my mother and stepdad in Florida to look after them. My mom had a stroke, and tries to take care of everything herself. My stepdad has dementia and is very close to being amubulatory, but still at home. I quit drinking months back when I got the diagnosis, and have been in pain non-stop since then. I was afraid to broach the subject of relationships, but it sounds like everyone basically feels the same way I do - I can't possibly complain to a stroke victim about my constant pain, no matter how much I want to. I'm not sure if this is going to work, but I promised I would go down and help out. I now understand why people with chronic pain off themselves. I was incapable of understanding that beforfe, and none of my friends could possibly understand it. Thanks for the thread. In some ways, it helps. Brue