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i don't know if things can get any worse

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Unread 04-29-2012, 08:06 PM   #1
justmarried
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Default i don't know if things can get any worse

Hi everyone, I'm new here.
My story is complicated but I will try to sum up.
I was just married after being with my boyfriend for 7 years. He had been out of work for 9 months due to severe depression (was hospitalized, had ECT for it, etc... so it was very severe), had just gotten back to work in January and we decided to get married since things were getting better. We got married at the courthouse on February 29th because we thought it was a cool date to get married. We are supposed to be having a ceremony and reception this weekend on May 5th.
On April 8th my husband gave himself a severe concussion by hitting his head on the kitchen cabinets and falling over. We were married for ONE WEEK before he completely changed into someone I don't even know anymore. We went to the emergency room 4 or 5 times for his post-concussion symptoms, he crashed his car twice and totaled it, even though I told him repeatedly he was in no condition to drive, and have been waiting to see a neurologist for MONTHS due to a previous problem that occurred in November. He also began to have cluster headaches in February and missed more work so there was already stress on our marriage before the concussion happened.
There is supposed to be a good concussion clinic where we live, and we have had one appointment there, not even with a doctor, but the PhD who runs the program. That was a month ago. They are so backed up that we can't even get appointments. So basically he is getting no treatment and sitting around the house doing nothing. He blames me for everything, spends all our money without keeping track of it, tells me he regrets marrying me in his worst moments, and still I have to cook, clean, take him to his appointments, take him wherever he needs to go. He can barely walk because he is so unsteady and his mood is totally irrational, hostile, and mean. I don't even know this man anymore. We also have 2 high maintenance dogs that I am solely caring for because he can't walk them, and doesn't even bother to give them food or water when he is at home. He tells me constantly he doesn't care about anything. He has been getting more and more piercings and tattoos, (also not keeping track of how much money this is costing us) and they are interfering with our intimacy because most of them are genital piercings. Seriously, who would do that right after getting married without even telling their spouse? We did not get a honeymoon because he didn't have any vacation days left due to his cluster headache days he was taking off, and we won't now because of his condition and our lack of money. I have no family in the area and my friends are just as busy as I am and can't help that much. I am at my wit's end, I don't even know if I can stay in a marriage like this, I don't know if it will ever get better or if this damage is permanent, let alone finish planning this "wedding" on Saturday.

Honestly there is a part in me that just wants to call off the whole thing and move out. But we have so much money invested in it and I still hope that we can get through it and he really does love me and his brain injury will heal.

I'm so worn out because I have been having abdominal pains since August that they are just now considering testing for endometriosis. I had to push back my diagnostic surgery because I am caring for him. I am exhausted and in pain every day and no one helps care for me at all. He refuses to go to any kind of counseling. Please help, I am in tears, and desperate, and I don't know how to handle this.
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Unread 05-03-2012, 08:34 AM   #2
Alffe
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Welcome to NeuroTalk JustMarried. I am so sorry for your husbands condition and for you as his caregiver.

Here is the link to our Traumatic Brain Injury forum..http://neurotalk.psychcentral.com/forum92.html

You will find lots of support and good information there.
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Unread 07-02-2012, 07:24 PM   #3
LIT LOVE
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Hon, I'm so sorry for all you're going through. I would suggest that you put him on a small allowance and not give him access to major household funds until he is able to make better decisions.

Do not put off your own medical care, your health is important too! My best friend's parents both had major health problems at the same time. The father had a brain tumor, the mother had breast cancer. She delayed her treatment and ended up passing away as a result.

Good luck!
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Unread 08-09-2012, 06:17 PM   #4
WifeofTBI
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Default I totally understand...

I hope things are going better for you. I totally understand where you are coming from. I was with my husband for 4 years before we got married and after 7 months of marriage he fell 18 feet from a ladder at work, which resulted in a brain injury... I was relieved he survived b/c he could have easily died, but it has been a challenging journey for the last 7 years since he was no longer the man I married.

I found myself always putting his needs ahead of my own b/c he almost died. Until one day I had enough and I stopped enabling him from not doing anything. He has regained most of capabilities but his drive and ambition are gone. What I have learned in my journey is that you have to put your needs first or else you can't truly help someone else. Think of it like the flight attendant analogy - how they tell you if the plane is going down to put your air mask on first before helping those that can't help themselves. So how can you really help him until you help yourself first. You have to do what's best for you no matter what b/c you matter!!

Also please recognize the signs your body is trying to tell you. Those symptoms are showing up to tell you something. I checked in my book "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" and it says that the abdominal area could be the result of these feelings:
-incorrect use of judgment
-identifies with possessions and has little sense of self
-feeling possessive of someone, worrying about others/needs introspection to change self
-feels responsible for giving understanding, help & encouragement
-feeling undue tension, fear & anxiety which constricts the energy flow
-disharmony and bondage in relationships
-bound up in present fears and not trusting

When these feelings come up just sit with them so you can see what's the lesson to learn. I've found that we try to get out of the uncomfortable feelings as quickly as possible without letting them do there job so we can release them and move on. I personally practice the Hawaiian technique by Dr. Hen Lui for healing Ho'opponopono which says when you have these feelings say to the universe or god (whoever you pray to) I'm sorry. Please forgive me. thank You. I love you. You are saying to the universe I'm sorry for having these feelings, please forgive me. Thank you for showing me this lesson and I love you!

I look forward to hearing how things are going... Sending you lots of love

Quote:
Originally Posted by justmarried View Post
Hi everyone, I'm new here.
My story is complicated but I will try to sum up.
I was just married after being with my boyfriend for 7 years. He had been out of work for 9 months due to severe depression (was hospitalized, had ECT for it, etc... so it was very severe), had just gotten back to work in January and we decided to get married since things were getting better. We got married at the courthouse on February 29th because we thought it was a cool date to get married. We are supposed to be having a ceremony and reception this weekend on May 5th.
On April 8th my husband gave himself a severe concussion by hitting his head on the kitchen cabinets and falling over. We were married for ONE WEEK before he completely changed into someone I don't even know anymore. We went to the emergency room 4 or 5 times for his post-concussion symptoms, he crashed his car twice and totaled it, even though I told him repeatedly he was in no condition to drive, and have been waiting to see a neurologist for MONTHS due to a previous problem that occurred in November. He also began to have cluster headaches in February and missed more work so there was already stress on our marriage before the concussion happened.
There is supposed to be a good concussion clinic where we live, and we have had one appointment there, not even with a doctor, but the PhD who runs the program. That was a month ago. They are so backed up that we can't even get appointments. So basically he is getting no treatment and sitting around the house doing nothing. He blames me for everything, spends all our money without keeping track of it, tells me he regrets marrying me in his worst moments, and still I have to cook, clean, take him to his appointments, take him wherever he needs to go. He can barely walk because he is so unsteady and his mood is totally irrational, hostile, and mean. I don't even know this man anymore. We also have 2 high maintenance dogs that I am solely caring for because he can't walk them, and doesn't even bother to give them food or water when he is at home. He tells me constantly he doesn't care about anything. He has been getting more and more piercings and tattoos, (also not keeping track of how much money this is costing us) and they are interfering with our intimacy because most of them are genital piercings. Seriously, who would do that right after getting married without even telling their spouse? We did not get a honeymoon because he didn't have any vacation days left due to his cluster headache days he was taking off, and we won't now because of his condition and our lack of money. I have no family in the area and my friends are just as busy as I am and can't help that much. I am at my wit's end, I don't even know if I can stay in a marriage like this, I don't know if it will ever get better or if this damage is permanent, let alone finish planning this "wedding" on Saturday.

Honestly there is a part in me that just wants to call off the whole thing and move out. But we have so much money invested in it and I still hope that we can get through it and he really does love me and his brain injury will heal.

I'm so worn out because I have been having abdominal pains since August that they are just now considering testing for endometriosis. I had to push back my diagnostic surgery because I am caring for him. I am exhausted and in pain every day and no one helps care for me at all. He refuses to go to any kind of counseling. Please help, I am in tears, and desperate, and I don't know how to handle this.
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Unread 08-10-2012, 02:22 PM   #5
justmarried
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Thanks for your input. When I said I was in pain I guess I should have mentioned it was because I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I have since had surgery and feel a lot better. However, my marriage is over. On the 4th of July, we went to a friend's house and my husband drank way too much and started talking suicidal again on the way home. He refused to go to our psych emergency room and threatened me with a knife because I was trying to call 911. He was hospitalized for 2 weeks again but the doctors couldn't explain what happened (my husband has no memory of these events- he was acting like he was possessed). So obviously I had a lot of anxiety and couldn't cope with being alone with him. My mom came to stay with us so maybe I could feel safe when he got out and we could go to counseling together. However he showed his true colors again, trying to intimidate and manipulate me. He would not back off and I had to punch him to get him away from me. I moved out that day. It has been pretty horrible since then. It is such a tragedy because I know he is really ill and didn't mean to act like this but my safety is more important. I am going through grief, anger, depression, all that. I am seeing a therapist every week but it's still so hard. I did not want this for my life.

Quote:
Originally Posted by WifeofTBI View Post
I hope things are going better for you. I totally understand where you are coming from. I was with my husband for 4 years before we got married and after 7 months of marriage he fell 18 feet from a ladder at work, which resulted in a brain injury... I was relieved he survived b/c he could have easily died, but it has been a challenging journey for the last 7 years since he was no longer the man I married.

I found myself always putting his needs ahead of my own b/c he almost died. Until one day I had enough and I stopped enabling him from not doing anything. He has regained most of capabilities but his drive and ambition are gone. What I have learned in my journey is that you have to put your needs first or else you can't truly help someone else. Think of it like the flight attendant analogy - how they tell you if the plane is going down to put your air mask on first before helping those that can't help themselves. So how can you really help him until you help yourself first. You have to do what's best for you no matter what b/c you matter!!

Also please recognize the signs your body is trying to tell you. Those symptoms are showing up to tell you something. I checked in my book "Feelings Buried Alive Never Die" and it says that the abdominal area could be the result of these feelings:
-incorrect use of judgment
-identifies with possessions and has little sense of self
-feeling possessive of someone, worrying about others/needs introspection to change self
-feels responsible for giving understanding, help & encouragement
-feeling undue tension, fear & anxiety which constricts the energy flow
-disharmony and bondage in relationships
-bound up in present fears and not trusting

When these feelings come up just sit with them so you can see what's the lesson to learn. I've found that we try to get out of the uncomfortable feelings as quickly as possible without letting them do there job so we can release them and move on. I personally practice the Hawaiian technique by Dr. Hen Lui for healing Ho'opponopono which says when you have these feelings say to the universe or god (whoever you pray to) I'm sorry. Please forgive me. thank You. I love you. You are saying to the universe I'm sorry for having these feelings, please forgive me. Thank you for showing me this lesson and I love you!

I look forward to hearing how things are going... Sending you lots of love
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Unread 08-10-2012, 03:42 PM   #6
ger715
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Quote:
Originally Posted by justmarried View Post
Thanks for your input. When I said I was in pain I guess I should have mentioned it was because I was diagnosed with endometriosis. I have since had surgery and feel a lot better. However, my marriage is over. On the 4th of July, we went to a friend's house and my husband drank way too much and started talking suicidal again on the way home. He refused to go to our psych emergency room and threatened me with a knife because I was trying to call 911. He was hospitalized for 2 weeks again but the doctors couldn't explain what happened (my husband has no memory of these events- he was acting like he was possessed). So obviously I had a lot of anxiety and couldn't cope with being alone with him. My mom came to stay with us so maybe I could feel safe when he got out and we could go to counseling together. However he showed his true colors again, trying to intimidate and manipulate me. He would not back off and I had to punch him to get him away from me. I moved out that day. It has been pretty horrible since then. It is such a tragedy because I know he is really ill and didn't mean to act like this but my safety is more important. I am going through grief, anger, depression, all that. I am seeing a therapist every week but it's still so hard. I did not want this for my life.

But at least you will have a life. You can do it. This took a lot of strength and courage. Shows you have it; now take the rest of your life and use it to make things better for yourself. It is not selfish. If you don't love yourself enough first, you will not be good for anyone else.

Keep in touch and let us know how you are coming along.

Gerry)
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Unread 08-10-2012, 06:43 PM   #7
ginnie
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Default Hello Just Married

I am so sorry that your first months together as husband and wife are so very stressful. TBI can and does get better with the right kind of doctors in your corner. I know the last thing you want to hear, is to spend more to get to see another physician. You should not be made to wait months when he feels as bad as he does. Teaching hospitals, are some of the best in the country. don't give up your marriage. Hang in there, get some real medical help and information to get to a place where you can cope better. Marrige is hard under the best of circumstances. Be strong as you can even when you hurt yourself. Do not neglect your own health however. You can't help both at the same time. Find out about your own pain, get your husband into some facility for good dianostic help, and some professional who can be in your corner while you go through all this. I would give it a good fight for the both of you to get better, find the help, and continue on with your lives. Sometimes these issues do require a fight to get the right care and help. NT is a good site to come just to talk, to maybe feel a bit better about yourself. You will make some friends, and I hope others will come by and give you some support too. Nobody wants to feel alone as they go through these problems. I will keep you BOTH in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie
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