Long Lasting Melancholia
Hello. I am new here, writing most due to high levels of melancholia. I am not sure if this is the correct location for this or not; if not I would appreciate any guidance to the correct location. For the sake of brevity, some parts may have a darker overtone without proper lead in. Current state is that of a moderate lower swing for past week or so.
I have had moderate high levels for nigh on 15 years with occasional more severe swings. Due to the length, this technically would qualify as dysthymia, but even at the beginning, it was not mild. First onset was around 7th or 8th grade and within half a year it was on the level of being on the verge of doing something to cease to exist. However, I instead followed the path of abandoning myself and going on solely for others. This allowed me to force myself through normal and expected activities and pretend to be okay whenever anyone may notice. However, unchanged was the hope to get to cease to exist, yet I was now forbidden from doing anything to bring this about.
Since the onset, I have not had more than a few hours at a time that the melancholia is not clearly present. As time has gone by, my base level has continued to decline, albeit slowly, with several very severe drops that last from hours to weeks. This drops are such that I am not able to mask myself anymore and not really safe to drive. Before, an during the drops, I am get chills and often am unable to feel warm. Often I am worse in the morning and late evening.
I go from not eating to eating too much depending on what is easiest at the time. Currently I am about out of food, but getting myself to go to the market is difficult enough that I have just cut back to milk with protein for dinner and garbanzo beans or celery for lunch to last a few more days.
Tests have been done of several things, including Vit D and thyroid levels (all three), all of which have come back normal. I am currently daily taking 5000 Vit. D, 2 Omega Fish, multi, Deproloft, AdreCor, and Balance D for this condition. Past experience with prescription anti-depressants has been bad (amplifying mood variation, both higher and lower, permanent reduction in critical thinking, learning ability, and comprehension) so I am trying a different approach. My main incentive to deal with this is that it is hindering ability to do things for others and at least offer them some light in the bleakness of existence.
Also, a year ago I was diagnosed with Lyme after having symptoms for 2 years prior and no diagnosis or aid. I did notice that when symptoms flair up, so does my melancholia. After several antibiotic rounds I cam currently on Samento, Banderol, and a blend containing Hu Zhang, Goldenseal, Huang Bai, Huang Lian, and Qing Hao. These have helped a little, but are beginning to lose effectiveness. I don't know what impact this has on my current melancholy state.
Socially, I am typically alone. Only a few people from the past still keep in contact and I feel that I have to mask my melancholia strongly to prevent the remainder from fading away as well. The few I don't have to mask around, typically make fun of me the same way that I do, so they aren't the best for my state of mind. I am 29 and never had a date nor gone as far as kissing another on the lips. Most often I just stay locked in my apartment alone doing stuff to distract me (video games, internet, videos) as while being out had a short term positive effect, it has a more negative backlash of reminding me of what I will never have or find.
I am not sure of my purpose for writing here. I am pretty sure I am beyond saving, and just explaining everything properly would span over 130 typed 0.7 border pages (already mostly written up) which I think makes me too difficult for even the therapist to make much headway. Thank you for your time and hopefully I didn't have a negative impact on you.