Pter's words..... - Page 2

Koala77 · 06-21-2012, 06:52 AM

Hello Zendo. Welcome to NeuroTalk and to our little family.

Please now that many here have been where you are now and are more than willing to lend an ear, or a shoulder. Please drop by and let us know that you're doing OK.

Zenda · 06-21-2012, 07:22 PM

Thanks all. I am still moderated so there is a time lag but I am reading and I appreciate your support. Weird thing is that I do not feel depressed but I feel taken over by the beast. Overwhelmingly at times and fairly suddenly. My MTBI kind of lends itself to being overwhelmed anyway. So essentially I have kind of exhausted myself and friends and have difficulty feeling safe but if I talk to the docs I get committed or told to keep myself safe. This forum and psych central have been places that I can visit and talk. It helps a great deal. Thanks everybody. Hopefully I can give back too.

Zenda · 07-03-2012, 11:22 AM

Hey folks. I need a place to write where there is a chance of a reply. I have been feeling overtaken by the beast increasingly these past weeks. I have discussed it with my counsellor (reg psych nurse) who is awesome. He says it is a comfortable habit to think this way. Wow. If this is comfortable. I know he doesnt mean that I like it but more that I am used to it and perhaps afraid of the unknown. Weird. In counselling I am aware that I need to hear what is said and relate to it prior to discounting or denying it. Okay. A few days later and I wonder am I just used to this thinking. But if I am having a great day without the beast, and I notice, and try to evoke the beast, he does not come. He appears suddenly, or sometimes he sneaks in, when I least expect him. I can't seem to make him appear.

Right now the beast is unrelenting. I feel this visceral fear, this sinking feeling in my stomach. I have reached out. I have kept around people. I am not incapable of enjoying myself even with the beast playing in the background. I feel out of breath, panicked, confused. The ward is not a safe place. The have labeled me borderline personality disorder and have told me I only do this for attention. Confusing. Feels like right after my accident when I spent all those years thinking I was crazy and finding out I had a tbi. Convincing insurance companies that I was not malingering. Feels like that now. The symptoms of bpd and tbi can overlap. Thinking. Can really suck! Lol! Thanks for letting me vent. Breath in breath out. Right?

Addy · 07-03-2012, 12:06 PM

Hi Zenda...

Yes, the beast is "comfortable".... because he/she is what we know... we've become used to it...

When I am "beast-free", I lie in bed... and I wait... and wait... for my stomach to turn with anxiety (which is fear)... and when it doesn't come, I'm not comfortable... its what I know!

Fortunately, I'm medicated with a great anti-depressant (for me) ... it most often keeps the beast at bay but not always

It creeps up so fast, sometimes... almost as if I'm self-sabotaging ... repeating patterns to bring it on.

Its breaking those habits that is difficult. I'm glad you're talking to a doc... and don't let that insurance company bring you down further... they are all about money.. period! good luck with that.

Zenda · 07-03-2012, 02:15 PM

Hey Addy,

Fortunately the insurance company issue is long resolved. The attitude of the doctors on the psych ward brings it all back though - nothing like trying to convince others of something that one doesn't really want to accept in oneself - right? I have worked really hard to not get sent back to the Psych ward, since it is not really a helpful place for me. Problem is that it is a piece of the safety puzzle right? So if I talk about suicidal thoughts to the "wrong" person, I get sent there. So the problem is then that I feel like I am spinning my wheels. I want to talk to someone about this to embrace the thoughts, work through it - as I know I can - but I am paralyzed by the fear of getting sent back. Stuck between the fear of the thoughts, and the fear of the ward. So instead I am in the local tea shop at least I a m around folks right? And the mac keyboard is easier to type on than the iPhone! LOL!

Thanks sooo much folks for this forum, it is awesome. Somewhere to be! I have let my brain injury support group know about it.