Thank you to everyone,

[Saffy]

.. I wish I were dead. Lord,I will gladly take the place of someone who deserves life more than me. Who can get more out of life than me.

At the moment . Excuse my language ., but I am rubbish and I'd you could give me an Incurable disease when someone out there is craving life then give it me, because I am not worthy

[Mark56]

None of us are WORTHY of life as much as life is conferred upon us as a gift. Thus I pray for you that your gift become for you an increasing means to count the blessings in your life as you turn away from that which is painful, such as losing Tootle.

Sure and for certain, each of us here has lost some, if not many capabilities, but in the loss we can take stock of what remains and HOW we may use that to benefit others, because in so doing we are benefited ourselves. Among your blessings is most assuredly the ability to give support, hope, humor, and pleasure in the very essence of life experience. I, for one, have enjoyed your writing and photos of going to the shore. Not all of us can do that, and maybe your ability to do it now is limited, but not necessarily forever!

As I sit here typing, uncomfortably mind you, I note my keyring for my Eagle Talon with its Eagle face inscription, I am mindful it has been months since I have driven my !80 mph capable travel toy. Yes, it sits in the driveway. Rain gives it an infrequent bath, but it waits until maybe a surgery I see coming might allow its use once again.

You, my friend, are slipping over an edge whence despair erupts. You NEED someone nearby to hold your hand and walk to a place to have help with these feelings. I HAVE BEEN THERE, it is not pretty to think as you are, I know, for they have been my thoughts. HELP, NOW. For YOU!!! Why? Because we love you!! Now, GO!zzzz

[JavaJan]

Aw, dear Saffy....I can only reiterate what Mark has already said. I understand that feeling of worthlessness. I think it's something that many of us who have disabilities go through. But we are PRECIOUS in God's sight! We are the apple of His eye! He cares for you, and we do, as well. There's an old expression, "bloom where you're planted." It basically means, no matter what kinds of craziness life throws at you, just dig in and be the best that you can be. Give an uplifting word or hug whenever you can (which you do). Pray for someone who's going through a difficult time. Get outside and take some deep breaths of refreshing air while soaking up some sunshine. I know it all sounds so corny, but it works. At least it works for me.

Praying for you, and sending warm hugs your way,
Jan

[ger715]

Originally Posted by Saffy

.. I wish I were dead. Lord,I will gladly take the place of someone who deserves life more than me. Who can get more out of life than me.

At the moment . Excuse my language ., but I am rubbish and I'd you could give me an Incurable disease when someone out there is craving life then give it me, because I am not worthy

How many times those thoughts have entered my mind as well.

But....I look back a few years and my mother (the last couple of years of her life) had been pretty much bed ridden, but still had the ability to think pretty well. She would often say to me "why does the Lord keep me here"???? My answer would usually be something like "Mom, your room isn't ready yet. The Lord has many rooms in His House and He is still preparing yours".

At the time, I was able to get around pretty well. I remember these words now. When these thoughts come to my mind.....I echo the words to myself that I said to my Mother. "The Lord is preparing my room...It's not ready yet". His time...not mine.

God sees the whole picture and only He knows why and when our time is to come. For some, we may feel it is too soon and would gladly give them our time.

Pray we all will let Him decide when it is our time.

Karen, we are all in this together. How good it is to have one another to lean on and each of knows what the other is going through.

Take care dear friend across the pond. Went to London twice. Also, some of the countryside. Loved it.


(Gerry)

[Sandy Kay]

Karen
When times are tough and all seems unbearable reach out. Whether it be family, friends near by or NT friends try not to be alone. We are here for you. Life happens and this is the life we have. Praying for comfort and peace in the days head.
Sandy

[Jackiey]

Life can be tough at times and yes we all feel at the end of out tether at times. I remember feeling like you do many times in the past. But you know depression is a terrible thing and plays havoc with our thoughts.

Have you spoken with your Dr saffy. Explain how you feel and maybe he/she will give you some antidepressants. Because it definitely sounds like you are suffering with depression. And why wouldn't you be. I remember when I had it nothing would lift me. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. Everything at that time just seemed to be going against me. And naturally your independence is being taken away with tootle being gone. But that's just a blip. Didn't I read your due an appointment in August. Only a few days away.

Please go see your Dr. And I bet in a week or so you will look back and think that things can only get better

Do it. Do it today okay

[Saffy]

Amok ... Just very down. Losing TOOTLE has hit me hard. I think, once he has been picked up on Friday, it won't feel so bad.

Next year I hope that the scs is working well and I am able to reduce my meds so that I am able to drive again

[ger715]

Originally Posted by Saffy

Amok ... Just very down. Losing TOOTLE has hit me hard. I think, once he has been picked up on Friday, it won't feel so bad.

Next year I hope that the scs is working well and I am able to reduce my meds so that I am able to drive again

Is you husband able to drive you around in the meantime??? I thought it would be rough when I first stopped driving......now, I think I have gotten a bit spoiled. I have my very own chauffeur.

Hold on....you will find other "special" ways to adjust. Funny how we can get so attached to "something" that seems so important at the time.

Now....we have to look forward to your new SCS I think you may very well (pun intended) get attached to it.

We love and care about you; you are priceless !!!!


(Gerry)

[Saffy]

My husband works in retail so can only manage one day off a week but would be willing to take me wherever I wanted.

I suppose that's a good thing but it's not the point. The time I spent in my car was MY time .. I drive round roads I hadn't known existed, just because I could, and I drove just because if I didn't get away from the house I would kill someone. Lol

The man came for Tootle today .. He wasn't the most sympathetic of people as I stood there with snotty nose and streaming tears .. I kissed him (Tootle NOT the man) and watched as he drove Tootle until I could see that little car no more.

Then I went inside .. Felt that absolute haters and uselessness for myself that we sometimes do, and raked my arms with my fingers till they bled all over the floor.

My daughter came in and gave me a hug .. And a tea towel .. And said "you're not useless mum"

My husband had gone to work but he said it was my choice, I could have kept it had I kept my mouth shut. But aswell as the money, I want a holiday, I NEED a holiday and the money that my benefits went to keep Tootle (£50 a week) will now go in a separate account solely for holidays.

I'm over it now. The self harming helped. And I went to bed and read and slept and am ready for the rest of the day.

Off out on Little Arthur .. I can't call the scooter Tootle 2 .. and going to get a couple of bottles of wine for Hollie and I tonight and we are going to have a big weep over War Horse.

My aim tomorrow is to cut out the morphine and just stay on the tramadol.

[Mark56]

Please our friend, for you do not seem to be in the midst of help from any professional regarding the great difficulty with all of the sad feelings you know. I feel deep Christ love for you and it seems to flow from your family to cover you over. There is a place in your heart where a very special part of you resides and knows harming your arms brings no cure to the issue of deciding a holiday is very much needed.

Ginnie here sends Angels to watch over folks, may she so so with you! As for me the prayers I utter relate to you in many ways my friend,
Feeling joy you have a holiday toward which to plan,
May your spirit be lifted up,
Mark56zzz