None of us are WORTHY of life as much as life is conferred upon us as a gift. Thus I pray for you that your gift become for you an increasing means to count the blessings in your life as you turn away from that which is painful, such as losing Tootle.
Sure and for certain, each of us here has lost some, if not many capabilities, but in the loss we can take stock of what remains and HOW we may use that to benefit others, because in so doing we are benefited ourselves. Among your blessings is most assuredly the ability to give support, hope, humor, and pleasure in the very essence of life experience. I, for one, have enjoyed your writing and photos of going to the shore. Not all of us can do that, and maybe your ability to do it now is limited, but not necessarily forever!
As I sit here typing, uncomfortably mind you, I note my keyring for my Eagle Talon with its Eagle face inscription, I am mindful it has been months since I have driven my !80 mph capable travel toy. Yes, it sits in the driveway. Rain gives it an infrequent bath, but it waits until maybe a surgery I see coming might allow its use once again.
You, my friend, are slipping over an edge whence despair erupts. You NEED someone nearby to hold your hand and walk to a place to have help with these feelings. I HAVE BEEN THERE, it is not pretty to think as you are, I know, for they have been my thoughts. HELP, NOW. For YOU!!! Why? Because we love you!! Now, GO!