Join Date: Aug 2012
Partner moved out - depression or over?
Hi, Sorry in advance - this is long
I’ve been with my partner for just over 2 years, and he moved out 2 wks ago, so I guess raw emotional state is an understatement.
I have been the main breadwinner from the start, and this has always sat badly with him, but he has been striving, working, doing everything to get back to the succesful man he has always previously been in his life. He has always given/paid his way (whatever you want to call it) whenever he has been able. I have held no resentment to him at all.
From the beginning, on first meeting and then being in a relationship with him, I can truly say there is no better man out there for me. I love him with all my heart, we related, loved, laughed, even had the same weird way of looking at things. In every way possible he made me feel happy and loved.
Things finally seemed to be on the rise for him, work was going well, and I know this and the money he saw as finally being able to contribute, were all helping his esteem as a man.
Then about a month and a half ago, due to the crooked dealings of another he has been left saddled with a huge amount of money to find, or he will face bankruptcy, and after that will be struck off from his type of work. With a struggle I could find that money, and stop all this happening, but he WILL NOT even consider this option. We have talked about this over and over and he will not move from that stance.
In brief, he has gone from this open loving man, to feeling trapped, can’t see beyond tomorrow, keeps saying he’s a failure, and that I am better off without him.
Believe me I have tried to re-assure him that I don’t see him in this way, I have been calm, emotional, tearful…
He says that 6 wks ago he could never have dreamt of leaving me, but now doesn’t even know if he loves me at all. In less than a wk he seemed to totally hit rock bottom, start drink driving, and all sorts of other irrational and totally out of character traits.
I tried discussing depression with him (I’ve struggled with it since my early teens and I’m now in my mid forties – glad to say it’s been a good few yrs for me in what I suppose I feel as a sort of remission – always aware and maintain ways to keep it at bay) but he does not feel that this is what is happening with him. He just kept repeating, over and over that being with me makes his failure more acute, and, if he stayed he would end up making me hate him.
Suffice to say, he moved out 2 wks ago, and I am utterly devastated, and in total shock.
I know he knows I love him with all my heart, he has agreed to stay locally for a while for my benefit, although I don’t know where. All his belongings are in storage, and he has no plan of what to do next. He assures me that he has no plans on suicide – and I did at the time believe that, but, if he does estrange himself from everyone he knows, as he says he will – how long will that be true? He said he would keep his cell with him, and we agreed that I can text and that he will reply when he feels able. So far he has replied once, briefly and with none of his usual love, in fact he told me there is no hope.
Finally he did agree that should he ever want to come back, or even call I’ve sad he shouldn’t hesitate.
I've sent 2 emails both non-judgemental, and loving.
I bumped into him totally by accident yesterday and although he did talk to me he looked withdrawn and really only re-iterated that we had no future and that he had flicked the switch on us because he had to. He also spoke about not being able to stay still as things would catch up..!!
Finally I realise that I have to stop all contact, I do know I have to walk away and see what happens, but I do still hope. Is that stupid? Have I already driven him away by prodding at him.
If anyone can give me advice it would be so appreciated, I am so devastated by this, hard to think straight..I really do miss that loving man and it seems to have been an overnight transformation.