I can relate, completely, and I am so sorry. I'm 25 and I lost my mom when I was 23 to a sudden dx of pancreatic cancer. I feel for you right now and I know nothing I say will take your pain away. I remember when people would tell me "It was God's plan for you mother" or "It's going to be okay" I just wanted to punch them in the face! Of course it's not going to be okay. I'm thinking of you and I hope you'll seek a grief counselor sooner rather than later to help you get through this. We all grieve in different ways and on our own time too, so don't let anyone ever tell you when you should be "okay". Speaking of perfume, I keep a bottle of my mom's perfume in my bathroom and smell it from time to time. It always makes me cry but it always keeps her close to me. I also wear a piece of her jewelry often. Losing our moms at such a prevalent and necessary time in our lives is absolutely horrible. Knowing they won't be there for our weddings, see their grandchildren, see our successes & be our guidance...it's just so hard. Just please know you're not alone, and although the hurt of such an incredible loss will NEVER go away, I can promise that with time it will get easier to carry on and manage the pain.
Below is a little bit about my mom and her passing if you'd like to read it - if you don't want to that's okay. I didn't want to start off with it because I wanted my response to be about you, but if you want to read it maybe you'll be able to relate a little bit and not feel so alone (if you happen to).
My mom looked and felt completely healthy the day before the dx, and 8 months later, she was gone. She was my best friend too. I would cancel things with my friends just to have a lunch date or shopping day with my mom, and I lived with my family so she was always around too, haha. I was angry so so so angry with life when she was dx with cancer. I ended up secluding myself, and looking back I remember how awful those trips to the hospital were to be with her everyday and I had 1 year of college left at the time and I was struggling so badly. Crying constantly, not eating, not studying, etc. I'm a Christian and I was so mad at God. I couldn't understand why her, why my mom. I'm sure you have felt the same way..."why my mom!?". My mom wanted so badly to see me graduate and she held on as long as she could but she didn't get to. She had a stroke that happened the day after mothers day, and after a huge fight we had. The fight...that was the last conversation I ever got to have with my mom. I live with so much guilt because of that because the fight was due to my selfishness. I wish I would've sought help from a grief counselor sooner, but I didn't. That is something I regret not doing, to be honest. It's been 2 years and everyone in my family can openly talk about my mom now and celebrate her life, except for me. Any time someone even mentions my mom or memories of her I run away and go into another room because I can't stop the tears. I immediately start crying at the drop of her name. It's 2 years of built up grief and guilt that I ignored for so long. I just couldn't accept the truth. I didn't want to believe it was real. I kept telling myself she went on vacation and that she'd walk through the door any day now.
I can't continue with the story because this has started to make me cry. I just want better for you, and we all grieve in our own ways. Some people, like myself, build it up inside for weeks, months, or years but eventually in that case we all end up having some sort of breakdown in the future due to it. I know for me, it's started to creep up on me and I'm starting to get depressed again, have physical symptoms of anxiety, crying everyday, and it's a sign to me that I'm on the verge of a breakdown due to built up grief and I now realize I can't do this alone and I need help. I hope you'll do that now, if you can, so you can avoid this feeling 2 years down the road that I'm now going through. If you ever need to vent or talk, please message me. I can just listen, give advice if you want it, or just be a support if you need it.
I still hope and pray everyday for a sign from my mom. Anything, I'll take it and I hope you get that from yours too. <3