Female in a relationship with an asexual male.

[Marcy Dorfman]

I recently bumped into someone from my past (we hadn't seen each other in about 15 or 16 years), and we started dating. I've always really fancied this fellow. It was going great until we tried sleeping together, and then it became evident that things clearly weren't working out sexually. He described himself as having a 'low sex drive', but I believe it is more than that. He has NO sex drive! We have not had sexual relations since May, although there is a lot of kissing and cuddling. I found the whole thing so confusing that I started to look and online and found that there are people who can be 'asexual'? Is this true? Has anyone out there with a normal sex drive endeavoured to have a relationship with an asexual? I would like to understand more about this...

[Dr. Smith]

Originally Posted by Ultra Violet

I started to look and online and found that there are people who can be 'asexual'? Is this true?

If the sources you found are reputable credible sources (not just anecdotal) then it's probably true, but there may be other reasons -- medical and/or psychological -- as well.

I don't mean to be indelicate, but is it possible he's gay and either doesn't know or accept that, or is in denial?

Doc

[Lightrail11]

Originally Posted by Ultra Violet

He has NO sex drive! We have not had sexual relations since May, although there is a lot of kissing and cuddling.

As Dr. Smith states, he could be gay, or there may be other reasons for the lack of intimacy. The "since May" suggests that there was intimacy before, and the "kissing and cuddling" suggests a continued interest in a physical component of the relationship.

There may be a physical condition he either doesn't want to think about or deal with. Low testosterone can cause loss of libido and ED. Suggest he have that checked, testosterone supplements will likely improve desire. ED medications may be helpful if the desire is there. A common misconception is that ED meds such as Viagra and Levitra increase desire; they don’t, they improve blood flow to the penis which improves erectile performance. The desire needs to be there first.

[DejaVu]

Hi,
I understand your sense of confusion!
It seems you have been very patient and considerate with his needs.
We all need some time and space to sort ourselves out at times. Our best friends will allow us this time.

There comes a time, though, when it's also important to address this, with sensitivity to whatever he is experiencing; yet, also very directly. Hopefully, he can talk openly with you and hopefully he has some understanding of what is going on for him. If he cannot talk with you and/or is also confused by this, please encourage him to see an MD for a physical evaluation. He may or may not also need a psychological consult/therapy, depending upon root causes of his issues.

Please be warned that many guys do not want to tell a doctor or anyone at all, that they are experiencing difficulties of this nature! It may be extra difficult to get him to agree to seek assistance in sorting this out.

You may find out he may be very comfortable without sexual activity.
If so, you may need to decide if his style is a good match for your style and meets your needs.

Best wishes and Happiness to Each of You!
DejaVu