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No sex sadness

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Unread 02-09-2007, 08:11 AM   #1
valooma
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My partner and I are in crisis. We've been together for one year and have only had sex about three times in all that time. Before he met me, I had sex with a lot of people - I was wild. I had sex with whoever looked my way, letting myself be taken advantage of. I was an absolute mess and a complete tramp. And then I met my boyfriend and it felt like I could relax. there was no pressure to anything I didn't want to and somehow in that freedom, I felt I didn't have to have sex and it made me feel better about myself. I've had a long term relationship before and it was the same. We didn't have sex and it was the ruin of the relationship. Just like it is with my partner now- it is ruining things between us. I can't seem to explain to him what's wrong with me. He thinks me not having sex is only particular to him because he knows I was with a lot of men just before I met him. I can't seem to communicate well enough to him that my insecurities about sex, and how weird it makes me feel is the reason I had a lot of sex and the reason I also at times don't have sex at all. What can I do? I am so confused, and I am having so much trouble explaining to my partner how I feel. Any thoughts? Anyone have any similar experiences? I feel so alone and don't know where to turn or who to talk to. Please help if you can.
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Unread 02-09-2007, 12:28 PM   #2
Jo*mar
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I'm sure there are some deep emotional reasons why this happens for you. You are holding back from true intimacy.
There are many good books on that subject you may have to dig deep to figure it out. It may be something you have blocked out from your memory.

- Is he a good and caring person ? Do you truly trust and like him completely?


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Unread 10-30-2007, 08:28 PM   #3
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Doesn't it sound popular to be wild? having sex with all those men you hardly knew? But ask yourself, what were you trying to communicate? ...uhm...to yourself...?
Was it like : wow, look at me I'm worthwhile?

I think you are chicken out on your current boyfriend. If you want sex you know how to get it. However, what you are afraid of is intimacy. And please don't blame the lack of sex on him. Sex is a mutual thing.

Intimacy is something that goes along with sex. It might give you just that final touch to enjoy sex fully. Girl, this boyfriend sounds like a stayer to me, so try him out how deep your feelings dare to go.
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Unread 09-07-2009, 11:28 PM   #4
billie
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Quote:
Originally Posted by valooma View Post
My partner and I are in crisis. We've been together for one year and have only had sex about three times in all that time. Before he met me, I had sex with a lot of people - I was wild. I had sex with whoever looked my way, letting myself be taken advantage of. I was an absolute mess and a complete tramp. And then I met my boyfriend and it felt like I could relax. there was no pressure to anything I didn't want to and somehow in that freedom, I felt I didn't have to have sex and it made me feel better about myself. I've had a long term relationship before and it was the same. We didn't have sex and it was the ruin of the relationship. Just like it is with my partner now- it is ruining things between us. I can't seem to explain to him what's wrong with me. He thinks me not having sex is only particular to him because he knows I was with a lot of men just before I met him. I can't seem to communicate well enough to him that my insecurities about sex, and how weird it makes me feel is the reason I had a lot of sex and the reason I also at times don't have sex at all. What can I do? I am so confused, and I am having so much trouble explaining to my partner how I feel. Any thoughts? Anyone have any similar experiences? I feel so alone and don't know where to turn or who to talk to. Please help if you can.
I heard you, valooma! I had not heard it explained that way before, but my history is so similar to yours. Maybe my situation is different, but for whatever reason, I felt disinterested in sex during marriages, despite the fact that I cared deeply for husband; felt "in love" what have you. But the absence of a sexual relationship can be destructive to the relationship, whether he leaves for a more sexual relationship or you leave due to weariness of his un-desired desires, so to speak. Sometimes a broken relationship can be cause for long-term regrets. Is individual therapy re "how wierd it makes me feel" a possibility? Or marital therapy? It is possible that fixing the problem now might save you a need for long-term therapy in future. I eventually decided to stop having relationships altogether, in the realization that I was hurting the involved others by leaving the relationships due, at least in part, to the lack of sexual desire in the long-term relationships. Giving up relationships altogether is DIFFICULT and it required years for me to accept. I continue to need therapy, but cannot afford it. I care about your problem and would be pleased should you desire to PM me. billie
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Unread 03-17-2010, 08:40 PM   #5
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Could it be that although you had a lot of sex with people from the past that these were people you had no desire to have a relationship with? And did you find that your true friendships the ones that lasted were the ones that were not sexual in nature. Plus, it could be that you see the men that you did have sex with had not respect for you and viewed you solely as a sexual object, and that is not what you want in a long term relationship.

I agree with the others that it seems more like a mental/intamacy thing. How to fix it, I do not have an answer. I do wish you the best of luck. I also know that the added pressure of a demanding partner can be overwhelming on a mental level and only make matters worse.

I wish I had a magic answer to this one. I would not recommend you just go thru the motions to appease him, as it is degrading to you but i can also see how this would be a strain to your relationship.
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Unread 06-07-2011, 05:22 PM   #6
scage
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honestly is the best way to have succful relationship

you're wild then be wild with him lol , that's better than ending the relationship coz you can't share your feeling

if the relationship gonna be ruined anyway then why the worry , just be more opend with him and share your feeling and go wild
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Unread 11-22-2012, 03:26 PM   #7
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Lots of good ideas for thought given above. My gut reaction is that you instinctively don't want the sexual relationship with your sweetheart to be "like" the other sexual encounters you have had.

Maybe it would be healing for both of you to talk, express how much this relationship means to you, and begin like newbies - with no expectations - cuddling - kissing - caressing without intercourse. Gradually allow the process to take over naturally, along with communication about how important you are to one another and what sex with each other means to you.

That may help 'reprogram' past experiences and validate that this time it is different.

Love is precious. Tend to your garden of love with compassion and it may bloom for you.

Aloha,
Jenny
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Unread 01-23-2014, 12:24 PM   #8
anneo59
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Smile good thread and I can relate to many

Am still working thru the intimacy, sex, affection thing after a quarter century of marriage. So there's also meds, physical aging going on. Have no answers. Just adaptable, willing to try various things, trying not to expect much, wanting to give what I can, etc. It's ok, really. I do treasure what we have tho it is vastly different from what it once was. The best to all!




Quote:
Originally Posted by valooma View Post
My partner and I are in crisis. We've been together for one year and have only had sex about three times in all that time. Before he met me, I had sex with a lot of people - I was wild. I had sex with whoever looked my way, letting myself be taken advantage of. I was an absolute mess and a complete tramp. And then I met my boyfriend and it felt like I could relax. there was no pressure to anything I didn't want to and somehow in that freedom, I felt I didn't have to have sex and it made me feel better about myself. I've had a long term relationship before and it was the same. We didn't have sex and it was the ruin of the relationship. Just like it is with my partner now- it is ruining things between us. I can't seem to explain to him what's wrong with me. He thinks me not having sex is only particular to him because he knows I was with a lot of men just before I met him. I can't seem to communicate well enough to him that my insecurities about sex, and how weird it makes me feel is the reason I had a lot of sex and the reason I also at times don't have sex at all. What can I do? I am so confused, and I am having so much trouble explaining to my partner how I feel. Any thoughts? Anyone have any similar experiences? I feel so alone and don't know where to turn or who to talk to. Please help if you can.
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