Originally Posted by valooma
My partner and I are in crisis. We've been together for one year and have only had sex about three times in all that time. Before he met me, I had sex with a lot of people - I was wild. I had sex with whoever looked my way, letting myself be taken advantage of. I was an absolute mess and a complete tramp. And then I met my boyfriend and it felt like I could relax. there was no pressure to anything I didn't want to and somehow in that freedom, I felt I didn't have to have sex and it made me feel better about myself. I've had a long term relationship before and it was the same. We didn't have sex and it was the ruin of the relationship. Just like it is with my partner now- it is ruining things between us. I can't seem to explain to him what's wrong with me. He thinks me not having sex is only particular to him because he knows I was with a lot of men just before I met him. I can't seem to communicate well enough to him that my insecurities about sex, and how weird it makes me feel is the reason I had a lot of sex and the reason I also at times don't have sex at all. What can I do? I am so confused, and I am having so much trouble explaining to my partner how I feel. Any thoughts? Anyone have any similar experiences? I feel so alone and don't know where to turn or who to talk to. Please help if you can.
I heard you, valooma! I had not heard it explained that way before, but my history is so similar to yours. Maybe my situation is different, but for whatever reason, I felt disinterested in sex during marriages, despite the fact that I cared deeply for husband; felt "in love" what have you. But the absence of a sexual relationship can be destructive to the relationship, whether he leaves for a more sexual relationship or you leave due to weariness of his un-desired desires, so to speak. Sometimes a broken relationship can be cause for long-term regrets. Is individual therapy re "how wierd it makes me feel" a possibility? Or marital therapy? It is possible that fixing the problem now might save you a need for long-term therapy in future. I eventually decided to stop having relationships altogether, in the realization that I was hurting the involved others by leaving the relationships due, at least in part, to the lack of sexual desire in the long-term relationships. Giving up relationships altogether is DIFFICULT and it required years for me to accept. I continue to need therapy, but cannot afford it. I care about your problem and would be pleased should you desire to PM me. billie