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Lost soul, spirit, mojo, spark etc.

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Unread 12-04-2012, 04:07 AM   #1
sospan
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Default Lost soul, spirit, mojo, spark etc.

I am not a religious / spiritual person but since my injury I can' t help feeling I have lost something - don't know what it is but it seems to have gone whether its part of my soul, spirit, mojo what ever you want to call it but its vanished.

I don't feel whole, there seems to be a bit missing -the bit of me that defines who I am in terms of doing and feeling things. It is like the feeling when you leave a hotel room and you are checking if you have left something behind or that feeling "did I leave something on?" when you left the house or the hollow feeling when someone close has passed away.

Whilst I obviously know who I am, not depressed, I appreciate that motivation, confidence etc. can all be diminished after an injury but this is something deeper almost as if something has been knocked out of me in the impact.

Anybody else have a similar sense of loss?
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Unread 12-04-2012, 04:53 AM   #2
Mark in Idaho
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sospan,

There is a form of depression that manifests like you describe. I was in such a state back in 1982. I was like a boat without a rudder. Sort of wandering. I had no idea what was important or not. It was a sort of apathy but without any conscious thought.

My only recommendation is to establish a complete schedule of all the functions you need to complete. You may need to make a daily 'to do' list. The point is getting things done successfully while you let your brain sort things out. The simple routine will be beneficial to your brain's health.

When I was in this state, I was referred to an ortho-molecular psychiatrist. He got me started on my vitamin and supplement regimen. He also gave me a B-12 shot each week. My wife and I were concerned with how I would handle the impending birth our our second child. Eight weeks later, I was doing much better and was a full participant in the birth of my daughter. I missed my weekly appointment and never went back because I was doing so well.

I hope you do as well as I did.

My best to you.
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59 years old, retired due to disability, married 34 years, father of three, grandfather of four, Suffered a serious concussion at 10 years old (1965) stopped most driving after concussion at 46 years old (2001), Post Concussion Syndrome/Multiple Concussion/Impact Syndrome with PTSD, immediate/short term visual and auditory memory problems, slowed processing speed, visual/auditory processing difficulties, insomnia, absence seizures, OCD, 14 concussions since first concussion at 8 years old, Taking paroxetine for 14 years and gabapentin for 12 years. Added L-Tryptophan and stopped paroxetine after 3 months of tapering. I currently take 500 mgs of L-Tryptophan AM, 500 mgs noon, and 500 mgs PM.


As of Nov 15th, Due to high stress issues resulting in PTSD, docs put me on 3 meds. Clonazepam but only for 30 days ) .125 mgs twice daily (Doc presc. .25 mgs 2x daily but half a tablet is good) , citalopram (Celexa), an SSRI , and olanzapine (Zyprexa), an atypical anti-psychotic that usually causes weight gain before bed. I lost over 30 pounds since mid July. It just stopped the weight loss. Took me off the gabapentin. I am feeling better than I have in years.

This great feeling only lasted a month. Back to the same old PCS doldrums.

May 2014, I am off the olanzapine due to a 6 fold price increase. Back on 600 mgs of gabapentin before bed.

I am also taking L-Theanine to help with GABA regulation


"Be Still and Know That I am God" Psalm 46:10
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Unread 12-04-2012, 05:32 AM   #3
andromeda
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I feel that too, Sospan. I feel empty and flat. Some days I don't even feel anxiety at the things I would ordinarily be panicking over. I just don't feel anything at all.

It's not misery, but like the life has been sucked out of me. Every response I make, every conversation I have has to be thought out; emotion and expression have to be factored in instead of coming naturally.

Hopefully it will come back for us all.
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Unread 12-04-2012, 06:31 AM   #4
sospan
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Thanks both,

I saw a Neurologist, NeuroPsych and Psychologist last week, in the sessions they confirmed I wasn't showing signs of depression (their report may say something different tho). I did show then a routine of my daily life which they could see the strides I was making and the attempts to heal by myself taking all the vitamins and making lifestyle changes.

It is like we entering the Christmas period. Normally a time for me of excitement, decorating the house, buying present, spending time with family and all the other good things - but I don't feel anything not sad, not happy its strange.
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Unread 12-04-2012, 08:02 AM   #5
Mark in Idaho
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To me, Christmas is annoying. I get exhausted by the constant repeat of Christmas music everywhere. I causes me to 'duck for cover' in an emotional and sensory sense.
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Mark in Idaho
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59 years old, retired due to disability, married 34 years, father of three, grandfather of four, Suffered a serious concussion at 10 years old (1965) stopped most driving after concussion at 46 years old (2001), Post Concussion Syndrome/Multiple Concussion/Impact Syndrome with PTSD, immediate/short term visual and auditory memory problems, slowed processing speed, visual/auditory processing difficulties, insomnia, absence seizures, OCD, 14 concussions since first concussion at 8 years old, Taking paroxetine for 14 years and gabapentin for 12 years. Added L-Tryptophan and stopped paroxetine after 3 months of tapering. I currently take 500 mgs of L-Tryptophan AM, 500 mgs noon, and 500 mgs PM.


As of Nov 15th, Due to high stress issues resulting in PTSD, docs put me on 3 meds. Clonazepam but only for 30 days ) .125 mgs twice daily (Doc presc. .25 mgs 2x daily but half a tablet is good) , citalopram (Celexa), an SSRI , and olanzapine (Zyprexa), an atypical anti-psychotic that usually causes weight gain before bed. I lost over 30 pounds since mid July. It just stopped the weight loss. Took me off the gabapentin. I am feeling better than I have in years.

This great feeling only lasted a month. Back to the same old PCS doldrums.

May 2014, I am off the olanzapine due to a 6 fold price increase. Back on 600 mgs of gabapentin before bed.

I am also taking L-Theanine to help with GABA regulation


"Be Still and Know That I am God" Psalm 46:10
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Unread 12-04-2012, 09:57 AM   #6
sospan
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mark in Idaho View Post
To me, Christmas is annoying. I get exhausted by the constant repeat of Christmas music everywhere. I causes me to 'duck for cover' in an emotional and sensory sense.
The run up to Christmas is normally like the preverbial "bedlam" in our house - but that is normally the fun of it when it all calms down at lunch time on the 25th.

New arrival, doting grandad - I think you will be fine
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Theta Z (12-04-2012)
Unread 12-04-2012, 10:51 AM   #7
wakey
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I feel the same way. Something is gone. There is a general apathy towards all events. Part of me thinks that it if my headaches lifted and my fatigue vanished, that something might return. But neither is likely in the near term. I also think it may be related to the brain trying to work hard. Being happy takes effort, and the brain just might not be up to the task right now.

As far as vitamins go, that may help you. I haven't been able to tolerate them but they seemed to have worked for Mark!
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Unread 12-04-2012, 11:03 AM   #8
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sospan wrote: "Anybody else have a similar sense of loss?"
__________________________________________________ ______

I can certainly relate to your experience of this loss of that something which is essential, sospan. It truly is something which goes beyond the realm of 'depression'.

I am impressed that your evals last week did not result in the too typical, easy auto-default of the "depression" diagnosis.
That seems to me a good indicator that you presented very clearly; that your neurologist and neuropsychologist are genuinely actively listening to you, and not treating you by rote, as it were. Kudos.

While this Christmas season likely may not feel the same to you this year --- I hope for you that you may actively participate in the perhaps more quiet preparations within whatever parameters you may safely do so, i.e. sans triggering any symptoms/overwhelm.

Perhaps allowing the rest of the family to do the more active things, e.g. the grocery & gifts shopping; the getting of the Christmas decorations out of whatever storage area of your home; getting the Christmas tree & into the treestand & into the house, etc.

You can perhaps do any of the online shopping for gifts; make the grocery shopping list; string the treelights, hang the ornaments; choose the music/make the soundtracks for your family's Christmas season this year --- i.e. amenable soundtracks for you to be able to enjoy this year, etc.

While the otherwise 'happy bedlam' is going on in the rest of the house, perhaps you and another family member together can be focused quietly-secluded in the kitchen area preparing the pudding, the foodstuffs, etc.

These are simply suggestions of 'work-arounds' to still participate while respecting your own needs. In your own quiet contemplative way, I have a feeling that you will arrive at perhaps some different, amenable perspectives on It All ... and find that your essence is yes, still present. We all here know that and keep that faith for you.


Best regards,

Theta
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50s Babyboomer; 2008 high-impact rear-ended/totalled-MVC, closed-head injury->pcs ... "Still dealing with it."
1993, Fell on black ice; first closed-head injury; life-altering. // 2014 Now dealing with Peripheral Neuropathy, tremors, shakiness, vestibular disorder, akithesia, anhedonia, yada yada, likely thanks to rx meds // 2014: uprooted to the cold wet gray NW coast, trying to find a way back home ... where it's blue sky and warm!
.

__________________________________________________ _________
Each and every day I am better and better. I affirm and give thanks that it is so. // 2014-This was still true for me last year, I truly felt this a year ago. Unfortunately it holds no meaning for me now. Odd, it was the Theta mantra for years. Change change change.
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Unread 12-04-2012, 02:17 PM   #9
sospan
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I was so pleased when they confirmed I wasn't depressed. I think it may have helped when they give you the mood questionnaire - where you score yourself 0-10, I wrote next to each item why I gave that score.

I also gave them some paper work describing which symptoms had gone away, which ones are still there and a scoring of the symptoms over the last 12 months. I also gave them a description of my day and lifestyle changes and spoke realistically about options to go back to work.

Thanks for the support
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January 2012 tripped over a power cable and life has changed - memory, mood, balance and puzzled. Now how do I fix it ?
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Theta Z (12-04-2012)
Unread 12-04-2012, 05:39 PM   #10
Mark in Idaho
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sospan,

Good that you got a diagnosis of no depression. There is a form of depression that is more of a fatigue depression, at least this is what I understand from the psychiatrist who treated me in 1982. There were none of the negative thoughts and moods, just the feeling of being in a limbo state.

Either way, take it easy with Christmas events and keep a schedule/routine and you will make it through this.

My best to you.
__________________
Mark in Idaho
.


59 years old, retired due to disability, married 34 years, father of three, grandfather of four, Suffered a serious concussion at 10 years old (1965) stopped most driving after concussion at 46 years old (2001), Post Concussion Syndrome/Multiple Concussion/Impact Syndrome with PTSD, immediate/short term visual and auditory memory problems, slowed processing speed, visual/auditory processing difficulties, insomnia, absence seizures, OCD, 14 concussions since first concussion at 8 years old, Taking paroxetine for 14 years and gabapentin for 12 years. Added L-Tryptophan and stopped paroxetine after 3 months of tapering. I currently take 500 mgs of L-Tryptophan AM, 500 mgs noon, and 500 mgs PM.


As of Nov 15th, Due to high stress issues resulting in PTSD, docs put me on 3 meds. Clonazepam but only for 30 days ) .125 mgs twice daily (Doc presc. .25 mgs 2x daily but half a tablet is good) , citalopram (Celexa), an SSRI , and olanzapine (Zyprexa), an atypical anti-psychotic that usually causes weight gain before bed. I lost over 30 pounds since mid July. It just stopped the weight loss. Took me off the gabapentin. I am feeling better than I have in years.

This great feeling only lasted a month. Back to the same old PCS doldrums.

May 2014, I am off the olanzapine due to a 6 fold price increase. Back on 600 mgs of gabapentin before bed.

I am also taking L-Theanine to help with GABA regulation


"Be Still and Know That I am God" Psalm 46:10
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