wrote: "Anybody else have a similar sense of loss?"
I can certainly relate to your experience of this loss of that something which is essential, sospan. It truly is something which goes beyond the realm of 'depression'.
I am impressed that your evals last week did not result in the too typical, easy auto-default of the "depression" diagnosis.
That seems to me a good indicator that you presented very clearly; that your neurologist and neuropsychologist are genuinely actively listening to you, and not treating you by rote
, as it were. Kudos.
While this Christmas season likely may not feel the same
to you this year --- I hope for you that you may actively participate in the perhaps more quiet preparations
within whatever parameters you may safely do so, i.e. sans triggering any symptoms/overwhelm.
Perhaps allowing the rest of the family to do the more active things, e.g. the grocery & gifts shopping; the getting of the Christmas decorations out of whatever storage area of your home; getting the Christmas tree & into the treestand & into the house, etc.
You can perhaps do any of the online shopping for gifts; make the grocery shopping list; string the treelights, hang the ornaments; choose the music/make the soundtracks for your family's Christmas season this year --- i.e. amenable soundtracks for you
to be able to enjoy this year, etc.
While the otherwise 'happy bedlam'
is going on in the rest of the house, perhaps you and another family member together can be focused quietly-secluded in the kitchen area preparing the pudding, the foodstuffs, etc.
These are simply suggestions of 'work-arounds' to still participate while respecting your own needs. In your own quiet contemplative way, I have a feeling that you will arrive at perhaps some different, amenable perspectives on It All ... and find that your essence is yes, still present.
We all here know that and keep that faith for you.