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CRPS is killing my relationship, I need advice.

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Unread 12-11-2012, 07:21 PM   #1
CRPSsongbird
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Default CRPS is killing my relationship, I need advice.

MY fiance and I are arguing all the time.
He says that since he had to wait 3 years
waiting for carpal tunnel to be diagnosed and
surgically repaired that he knows exactly what
I'm feeling and that I just need to "deal" with it.
And not to "put on a face"? I guess I look like
I'm in pain........I tried telling him he doesn't
know exactly what I'm feeling or how much I can
handle because he's not me.
I just don't think he gets the level that CRPS goes to.

I did give him info on CRPS he doesn't think I have a "syndrome".
I told him 2 different doctors agree with the diagnosis. With him
I seriously don't know what to do. He has pain issues as well ie
herniated C6 & C7 in lower neck. And I still do things, however
slowly,like try to clean as best I can. I even dish up his dinner and
bring it to him. It's hard to lift or carry anything w/o pain though.
And he literally said today He's worried because and I quote "What if something bad happened to me, how could you take care of me?"
He also said I need to learn how to deal with this with no medication....
......I don't see how this is going to last with that kind of thinking.
I tried explaining if I try to have -0- medication I would end up crying
most of the time. He still just said you just have to "cope" with it.....and kept turning it to HIS needs.I'm at a loss of what I can do there.
I just don't understand what else I can do. Or how to make him see,
I have actually said the words "I need you right now, even just to hold me"
And he just said "I don't want to lay down right now" and went back to playing a video game.......which I actually calculated he plays between 35-50 hours a week.

Please ANY help would be appreciated...
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Unread 12-11-2012, 07:37 PM   #2
Morgan Herritage
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Good day. I did some reading on the other forum, and I am very sory you're going through this. The only thing that seems logical is jealousy in some degree. He had a condition, then you end up with a worse one. He may feel like you 1-uped him. I dont agree with the non support of my loved ones health. It really paints a picture of his personality and I'm sorry you have to be on the receiving end of it.
My wife could not be more supportive. Without her my life would be terrible and I love her very much. She loves me, otherwise she wouldn't deal with it. Sadly, in your case, you have to evaluate the situation and realize that CRPS is going to be a significant part of your life. So if he is not on board then you will have even more on your plate. Just please do what is best for you. You should have a man who loves and supports you.
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Unread 12-12-2012, 11:40 AM   #3
CRPSsongbird
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Default thank you all

I'm going to have to make some decisions. Pretty big ones. We've been together for 4yrs and he's a huge part of my 7yrs old life.....Ever since he started playing that video game constantly, he changed. Or he just didn't show his true personality until now. Whatever the case is. I can't deal with it on top of what I'm already gone through. I think one of the most frustrating things is he refuses to see ANYTHING wrong with whats he done or said. He has a "my way or the highway" type attitude......

It sucks just when I need him the most he backs away thinking about himself......why do people suck so much sometimes....
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Unread 12-12-2012, 12:39 PM   #4
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And you know what sad thing is? I'm still in the acute stage.....if the nerve block works hopefully I wont have to know how this diseased will progress.....
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Unread 12-12-2012, 09:24 PM   #5
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Try to look at it this way, Emily......he has given you an advanced preview of what you can expect from married life with him.

Hopefully, your docs will be able to attack this RSD monster in the early stages with success. If you are that lucky, and your relationship starts to improve because both of you are able to focus only on fulfilling his needs.......don't forget this stage of your relationship. If he's not there for you now, he's telling you not to expect him to be there for you in the future.

You deserve better. We all do
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Unread 12-14-2012, 11:48 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by finz View Post
Try to look at it this way, Emily......he has given you an advanced preview of what you can expect from married life with him.

Hopefully, your docs will be able to attack this RSD monster in the early stages with success. If you are that lucky, and your relationship starts to improve because both of you are able to focus only on fulfilling his needs.......don't forget this stage of your relationship. If he's not there for you now, he's telling you not to expect him to be there for you in the future.

You deserve better. We all do
Thanks Fin....

He didn't used to be this way, or I wouldn't have gotten together with him. I'm hoping that it's just the pain he's in. Still even if it is, if we can't get more of an equal ground, I can't do that. And it doesn't seem right. Like I can only need him and his support if he's not hurting. Like his supersedes everything else. And I'm not saying my CRPS should be more important either, just that we both support each other when we both need it. ....why can't he see that?
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Unread 12-18-2012, 02:29 AM   #7
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I hear you.

It may be understandable if he says something off when he is in severe pain himself. Been there, done that myself ! When I think of the times I SREAMED at kids about something that was actually minor.......on top of severe pain, whatever they were doing just put me over the edge. Not proud mommy moments for me......BUT.......I DO apoplogize afterwards.

I explain that I overreacted because I was in pain and that I will try to do better. I ask them to work with me on respecting when I tell them something and warn them that I am in pain (ie....."Guys, you shouldn't throw the football around in the house. I understand that Dad laughing at you throwing the ball around sometimes could lead you to believe that's okay for you to do it. It's not okay with me when you do that. I feel angry and disrespected when you do that. When you throw the ball and it hits me and makes my pain worse, I actually lose control for a bit. It's not good parenting for me to scream, "Give me the f'n ball. How f'n stupid can you be ? I'm going to throw away every ball in this house !!!!" I'm sorry that I said it that way. I do need you to understand that you DO have to listen to house rules. That's something EVERY kid has to deal with. You have extra rules about trying to be careful not to bump into me and sometimes bringing me my medicine or a drink. Yup, that's something every kid doesn't have to deal with and it can be hard. I don't like it either. I'd prefer things were easier too.")

I could forgive a boyfriend if he said something off because he was in pain IF I got some kind of reasonable explanation/apology after the fact.

I could understand if he 'admitted' that he felt guilty because you used to be able to help him when he needed things and he appreciated it and came to depend on it, so he has had some selfish feelings about missing that treatment and maybe subconsciously being 'mad' at you for that. I could move forward if he followed that up by saying that he understood those were selfish thoughts and he wants to be there for you to support you. Maybe add a joke that this could make you a stronger couple because you both "get" it about dealing with chronic pain. Your bf doesn't seem to be following through with that part.

Because you are in a tough financial spot and living in his place, I would really try to focus on just keeping things civil with him, keeping the status quo while you are trying to get adequate treatment for your RSD. Long term, losing the loser will help your stress levels, but right now I think you should just focus on your dd, getting through the holidays and trying to manage your pain. Having a big breakup scene, having to move, not having the money to get another place would all just ADD stress now. That makes pain WORSE.
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Unread 01-04-2013, 07:01 PM   #8
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SIGH....


I am so tired today. I had physical therapy, had me do very light weight lifting it hurt....My fiance is still being a jerk. he actually said "I don't think you have crps whatever" and " He thinks I need to quit taking all the meds and just let my body run it course" because " he's had pain just and bad and he lived so I need to quit whining"....Funnily enough I wasn't whining. And now apparently
he knows more than my doctors as I "don't have" CRPS.......We got in an arguement the ther day because I got mad when I saw peanut shelling all over the kitchen. Mind you, I had spent about 2 hours cleaning this last weekend which reduced me to tears from the pain......iI don;t see any hop[e for this relationship. But I'm truly scared of trying to be on my own right now. What if my CRPS gets really bad then what happens....I become homeless?
On one hand I can't keep up with the stress and work of taking care of everyone else when I need help right now.
On the other I'm still early in the disease.......what happens if/when I can't work? Then what.....
Can't afford the new medication, Cymbalta, it's 136.00, so calling docs like crazy before the weekend so I don't end up in the E.R. or in extreme pain!
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Unread 01-04-2013, 07:35 PM   #9
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I'm new,had RSD/CRPS going into my 10th.I dealt with family member's that felt I should "pull myself up by the bootstraps & get on with life!"I'm fortunate to have a husband that went on the long journey for my diagnosis & watched helplessly while I was in severe pain.CRPS pain is considered higher/worse than the most severe burns on pain scales!I'm pleading with you to take it easy cleaning,even at a slow rate if it reduced you to tears.I insisted I was going to keep up the house as usual and ended up making my situation so much worse!If I just had somebody to tell me my determination was going to lea to deterioration,believe I would of learned to live with an unperfect home.There are sites for partners of person's in pain,perhaps he could just look some of those post over. Take Care!
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Unread 01-04-2013, 07:48 PM   #10
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I'm new to this site and am almost clueless on how to use it! I'm lucky that I had a husband who was willing to go on a long journey to get diagnosed with CRPS. It might be beneficial for your partner to go to some of the sites for families with person's in chronic pain and just view what is written and realize how real and bad this is. CRPS is considered higher on the pain scale than the worse burn!! I was told by family members to "pull myself up by my bootstraps and get on with life!" Especially with no medication. Impossible. My husband is greatful to not have to see his wife in pain and not be able to anything. As for the cleaning, I wish I had somebody that had warned me to really take it easy on all activities. I decided I was going to be wonder woman and get it all done and ended up in worse shape than when I started. It wasn't easy but i have learned to except a less than perfect house. My husband doesn't see dirt the same as I do! But I'm grateful for his help. Never,ever push yourself to the point of tears, that's pushing it too far!! Take Care
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