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Good Parents, Tragic Results

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Unread 11-07-2010, 06:32 AM   #1
Alffe
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Default Good Parents, Tragic Results

Parents who survive the death of a child by suicide ask themselves hundreds of questions. Of these, the hardest question to answer may be this one: "Does the death of my child by suicide mean we were bad parents?"

Suicide flies in the face of every hope and dream we have for our children and for ourselves as parents. We expect our children to grow and thrive and contribute to society. We expect ourselves to nurture and sustain our offspring into productive adulthood. Every birth is accompanied by hope and expectation and joy. Death by suicide brings despair and great sadness and a sense of failure to the parents left behind.

By Steven Murphy, LOSS member Obelisk, Dec. 2009 Newsletter of The Loss Program, Chicago, Ill.

*********************
This is a portion of an article from my sos newsletter from Dane County this month. It resounded with a lot of us who lost children to suicide.
This "ending" was such a contradiction of their lives and their love of life.

It brought on quite a few conversations at the last meeting and validated some of our claims to have been good parents and now, struggling to survive what they have wrought by their action. And it was pointed out to me, that while I seem to find some comfort in believing that Michael's act was an impulsive one....others struggle with their loved ones purchasing guns in the days prior to using them.

The lesson is always the same one...do not do this to the people who love you...it ruins lives and we are forever changed.
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Unread 11-07-2010, 10:37 AM   #2
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We had our first snow yesterday but later in the week it is supposed to get near 70. I am meeting a friend for lunch today - enjoy telling each other "lies." I enjoyed a visit from my son yesterday - he lives about an hour and a half away. Remembered to turn my clocks back last night.
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Unread 11-07-2010, 03:04 PM   #3
lebelvedere
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alffe View Post
Parents who survive the death of a child by suicide ask themselves hundreds of questions. Of these, the hardest question to answer may be this one: "Does the death of my child by suicide mean we were bad parents?"

Suicide flies in the face of every hope and dream we have for our children and for ourselves as parents. We expect our children to grow and thrive and contribute to society. We expect ourselves to nurture and sustain our offspring into productive adulthood. Every birth is accompanied by hope and expectation and joy. Death by suicide brings despair and great sadness and a sense of failure to the parents left behind.

By Steven Murphy, LOSS member Obelisk, Dec. 2009 Newsletter of The Loss Program, Chicago, Ill.

*********************
This is a portion of an article from my sos newsletter from Dane County this month. It resounded with a lot of us who lost children to suicide.
This "ending" was such a contradiction of their lives and their love of life.

It brought on quite a few conversations at the last meeting and validated some of our claims to have been good parents and now, struggling to survive what they have wrought by their action. And it was pointed out to me, that while I seem to find some comfort in believing that Michael's act was an impulsive one....others struggle with their loved ones purchasing guns in the days prior to using them.

The lesson is always the same one...do not do this to the people who love you...it ruins lives and we are forever changed.
Alffe, from my own experience I'm beginning to think that BOTH premeditation and impulse are involved. Here's an interesting report on Japan's suicide forest: http://www.vbs.tv/fr-fr/watch/vbs-ne...e-forest-v3--2 The forest guide has some valuable insights, among them that people who go to the forest and kill themselves do so immediately, without ceremony. Those who are ambivalent linger, usually do not go through with it. (He sees bringing a tent as a show of ambivalence; after all, if you are going to be dead in a short while, you don't need a tent).

At the same time, those who perform the act immediately and get it over with -- impulsively, if you will -- had to travel to the forest. They drove their car, took a bus; whatever. It's hard for me to say that their act was COMPLETELY done on an impulsive basis.

Tom
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Unread 11-07-2010, 03:49 PM   #4
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That was so powerful Tom...my heart is still pounding. I think that the suicide "guide" is a beautiful man...he was so matter of fact about his observations that I didn't care for him at first but he's obviously "comfortable" with his conclusions and very wise I think.

I loved the sign...how they tried to prevent the suicides and what he said about not being alone.

I understand what you mean about reaching a "destination point" vs an impulsive act. I am also reminded of the suicide bridge...

http://www.thebridge-themovie.com/new/index.html

Thank you for sharing the link...wrenching tho it is.
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Unread 12-28-2012, 04:20 PM   #5
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bump....bump
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Unread 12-29-2012, 10:32 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Alffe View Post
Parents who survive the death of a child by suicide ask themselves hundreds of questions. Of these, the hardest question to answer may be this one: "Does the death of my child by suicide mean we were bad parents?"

Suicide flies in the face of every hope and dream we have for our children and for ourselves as parents. We expect our children to grow and thrive and contribute to society. We expect ourselves to nurture and sustain our offspring into productive adulthood. Every birth is accompanied by hope and expectation and joy. Death by suicide brings despair and great sadness and a sense of failure to the parents left behind.

By Steven Murphy, LOSS member Obelisk, Dec. 2009 Newsletter of The Loss Program, Chicago, Ill.

*********************
This is a portion of an article from my sos newsletter from Dane County this month. It resounded with a lot of us who lost children to suicide.
This "ending" was such a contradiction of their lives and their love of life.

It brought on quite a few conversations at the last meeting and validated some of our claims to have been good parents and now, struggling to survive what they have wrought by their action. And it was pointed out to me, that while I seem to find some comfort in believing that Michael's act was an impulsive one....others struggle with their loved ones purchasing guns in the days prior to using them.

The lesson is always the same one...do not do this to the people who love you...it ruins lives and we are forever changed.
I have blamed myself for years now,there must have been something that I could have done or said to stop this from happaning,or maybe it was something that I did not do right when he was younger
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Unread 12-29-2012, 11:33 AM   #7
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(((Katmae))) A mothers guilt...it goes with the territory..we "are supposed" to protect our children...even from themselves. What if's, if only....and on and on. I could not find any peace until I came to "acceptance". What a long journey it was.
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Unread 12-29-2012, 08:36 PM   #8
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(((Katmae))) Hoping you can one day come to terms with this.

And know there wasn't anything you could do to stop him.

Donna
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Unread 12-31-2012, 09:55 PM   #9
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thank you for your words of enceragement, at times I wish that I could just block it all out,it probably would not have been so bad,if my ex his father had not showen up after 20 yrs.and tryed to tell me what I should or should not have done,this from a man that never payed a dime in childsaport and even worked under the table or someone eles' ID just so he did not have to pay,we could not even find him when Jessie died,he's lucky I promised the other kids that I would be nice when he was here,he's lucky I did not stab him but what right dose he have to say anything?
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