Thinking About Leaving AA
So I'm 20 years old and I just went through a break up with an amazing girl due to my actions when I became drunk. I was diagnosed with Post Concussive Syndrome a little over 2 years ago. Ever since that point, I've used alcohol as a way to get my frustrations out that I will never be able to play soccer again; a sport that I love.
I didn't drink often, maybe 1-2 times a month. I never relied on it or used at as a crutch, but when I got drunk I became a whiny, insecure, and self-loathing guy. I never intended the alcohol to become this outlet that it became for two years. However, it did and my girlfriend had enough with it and broke up with me after nearly 3 years together.
Since the break up a month ago, I've gone to AA three times a week, individual stress management counseling one time a week, and a group session on alcohol one time a week. I must say that all of these things have helped out immensely with the healing and repairing process that always comes after a breakup. However, it wasn't until the last AA I went to (Last Wednesday), that I realized that AA is not the place for me. I realized that I overreacted.
AA has been great to me for the 31 days that I stayed sober. I got a sponsor, I became pretty active and shared nearly every meeting, I met a bunch of people that just wanted to be there for me. All of these things felt great. However, after my last meeting, my sponsor and another member were asking about my story. I started off with pretty much the same story that I have in the first three paragraphs of this OP. Although nearly every other sentence the guys were trying to finish my sentences because they though my story was 10x worse than it was.
When I said that I was here after a rough night, they both insinuated that I got pulled over for a DWI even though I have never gotten into a car with even a drink in me.
When I said that I just started coming here, the member then said that the courts must have put me here, even though I have never been arrested, let alone ticketed for even just a parking violation.
It was during this conversation that I realized that I'm not an alcoholic and just a kid who blamed alcohol for his breakup instead of recognizing the real reason why we broke up: my insecurity with myself. My ex-girlfriend and I really wanted to spend the rest of our lives together. We were half-seriously looking at houses that we could live in after college. It was that compassionate and loving. However, she got tired of my insecurities coming out when I was drunk and cut the cord.
I've learned now that alcohol was never the cause, but the trigger for my problems. Had I learned how to deal with these problems correctly, I may still be with her and leading a happy and fulfilling life. It's funny that I realized this now though, since I have been focusing on everything that I thought was wrong with me, and I've already started to fix most of these insecurities that I've had with myself.
Don't get me wrong, AA has been a positive force in my life since I started going. It has made me look at things in a whole new perspective. Before AA, problems were just problems. After AA, problems are opportunities. I've learned that I don't want to be like anyone in those rooms that I have spent time with. I don't want to get to that low and I've learned how to become stronger as a person. AA has helped as a person, but I am not an alcoholic.
It was through these teachings that I was able to control my drinking earlier this weekend while I was hanging out with my friends. Prior to all of this I had no self respect and would always try to prove to people who I was. I know I don't have to do this anymore. I can say no to a drink and not give a care about what people will think of me. If I don't want to drink I don't have to. I didn't know that before, but now I do.
Now, I just gotta tell my sponsor. I spoke to him earlier this today and didn't tell him that I drank this weekend. I guess you can say that I'm still embarrassed. I know he kept me in his thoughts and prayers a lot and it makes me feel bad that I may let him down. However, I don't want to waste people's time and just go to a meeting even though I'm still drinking. It's not fair to me or to anyone else in the room. There are people in there with a true addiction to alcohol and it wouldn't be ok for me to be in there just to have a support system while still holding back what I'm really doing.
Most likely I'm going to ask if my sponsor could meet me at coffee shop tomorrow night and tell him this to his face. It wouldn't be fair to do it over the phone and I'd like to thank him for the support that he has give me.
At this point, I know I am not an alcoholic, but a very lonely person who needed people to talk to. AA was eye opening for me, but it's just not my place. I'm not an alcoholic and I need to find other places to let out my stressors that way they don't come out when I'm drunk.
Any advice for me going forward? It'd be nice to hear from some of you guys that have been through AA for a while. I'm sure you've seen a few people with similar ideas or posts.