our stories are very close. I am 60ys old, one of four adult children. My dad died in 2010 and my Mom lived alone in her house 3 hrs drive from me. My 3 brothers just sit back and wait for me to handle everything. They all live much closer to my Mom but basically left her alone without support, in her late 80's. They acted as if both parents had died.
Long story short, I visited and helped my Mom as often as I could but I could no longer do the 3 hr drive with my own health issues. I asked my brothers and their kids and grandkids to help( I dont have kids). My older brother is the only one who helps and I am grateful for that.
So, I took my mom to assisted living places because she was starting with memory issues and was very lonely. She hated them...so, my husband and I converted our basement to an apt and moved my Mom in over a year ago.
All my brothers do is complain.....you moved her too far from us, you spend too much of her money, you are selfish and only think about yourself...I am not kidding...it never ends. Now my Mom has dementia and needs alot more care.
I love my Mom and am happy to care for her but find my anger and resentment towards my brothers eats away at me. It is bad enough not to help(gee, how taxing is it to call her once a week and say hi or send her a card once a month!?!) but to continually give me crap! One brother has sent a lawyer after me saying I forbid him to see or talk our Mom, he calls about once a year and has never once asked to visit. My lawyer said he is posturing to sue me when my Mom dies. All my brothers care about is their inheritance, not my Mom.
I have friends in similar circumstances and one said, save yourself alot of heartache and stop asking for or expecting help and just do it yourself.
I did hire help recently a few times a week and that has helped. My Mom will not do much of anything for herself. I made up a daily checklist of 4 -5 things she has to do everyday, like take her meds,, brush her cat, etc and she won't even do that. She is capable, she just feels at her age of 90, she should be taken care of and not do anything at all. Basically she would like me to be her personal slave. I have to say my husband is an absolute gem...he is SO good to her and I feel blessed about that.
So...you are not alone. I joined a support group for caregivers and it has been very helpful to just vent to others and get suggestions. In highly recommend them Candace. PM me anytime you like if you want to discuss anything in more detail.
P.S. I am very sorry about the loss of your dear brother.