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My father is 85 with early dementia.

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Unread 01-29-2013, 09:20 PM   #1
candace ann
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Wink My father is 85 with early dementia.

It seems as if I have played this role before. Did not volunteer for this one though. My dad is 85, and in the early stages of dementia, and the diced rolled my way for caregiver, I guess because I was the only player. My dysfunctional family was lived with an alcholic father- abuse- physical and mental. My mother beaten down, with no self- esteem and so turned to
her oldest ( ME ) To help her with adult issues, like worrying about food, shelter, and three little siblings to help with. Where did my childhood go, I am 58 now and honestly don't know. Thus the history I have had all these years with my father.They were four children I as I have stated am the oldest. A sister ( younger ) has, dis- associated completely from the family. A ( Brother ) who I loved dearly passed away in april of 2012, he was 55. Broke my heart and my spirit. My mother died in april of 2000. Youngest brother tries but lives out of state, and only tolerates our father. And so i feel like yelling come on down your the lucky winner. I feel guilty for even saying this but I feel like I have taken care of people my whole life. I am tired, so tired of everyone pulling at me. I don't even get the time to grieve for my own brother, my father found him dead, and came to my house and said your brother is dead, wow what a rollercoaster ride I have been on.
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Unread 01-30-2013, 08:04 AM   #2
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Welcome Candace. I am so sorry for all that you have on your plate..life isn't fair. I'm praying that you'll find the strength to handle this extremely difficult "job". Know that you aren't alone.
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Unread 01-31-2013, 04:49 PM   #3
candace ann
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Welcome Candace. I am so sorry for all that you have on your plate..life isn't fair. I'm praying that you'll find the strength to handle this extremely difficult "job". Know that you aren't alone.
Thank you, so much for your reply: And yes I do need prayers alot of them. I couldn't take one more step without God.
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Unread 02-07-2013, 08:12 PM   #4
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So sorry to hear what you are going through. We are caregiving for my father who has Parkinson's with dementia and I am Not well myself. My mother is falling apart at the seams. She has never had to do anything as my dad did it all and she is so angry. She does not deal with him right so I have stepped up. Really other than making sure he drinks water, eats etc. he just needs love. I can do that. God bless you. You will be in my prayers. You are a good person. Be proud. It takes a lot to not just turn away. Good for you. Hang tough.
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Unread 02-10-2013, 04:30 PM   #5
candace ann
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Default My father is 85 with dementia.

Thank you so much for your reply's it helps to know your not alone . And I know other people, have way more to deal with than I do. Sometimes I feel like I am whining, but I just need to vent. Even at 85 my dad , just cannot tell the truth. He never has been able to, as long as I can remember. So yes I know part of it is demetia, and the rest lies. I have a lady who comes in 2x a week for 2 hours. She cook's, cleans. and does errands, all these are based upon whether he will let her. Now he is accussing her of inappopriate behaviour, which he swears religiously I have seen. I want to say wow dad can you put anymore on me ?. Of course this is not happening. I think it's his conscience, because all he ever did was cheat on my mother, until the day she died. I know I have to love him through Jesus, because without faith I could not. He ( my dad ) was trying to talk to me about religion : and I just can't with him. If they gave awards at church for being a hypocrite, he would have won all of them. Praise God in the pew, one of the good ole boys, then come home get drunk, and beat us physically and mentally. It's just not in me ! to talk to him about salvation. So I just silently pray he gets it right.
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Unread 02-10-2013, 04:34 PM   #6
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Originally Posted by Alffe View Post
Welcome Candace. I am so sorry for all that you have on your plate..life isn't fair. I'm praying that you'll find the strength to handle this extremely difficult "job". Know that you aren't alone.
Thank you so much , for your kind words. It meant alot to me.
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Unread 02-10-2013, 04:38 PM   #7
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Default My father is 85 with dementia.

I too, will be praying for you. I am so sorry that you are not well, as that is added extra stress on you physically and mentally. I know that we will get through these situations in our lives. The old saying one day at a time is so true. Minute by minute. Know that you are in my prayers Godbless you.
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Unread 10-17-2013, 12:13 PM   #8
Diandra
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hi Candace...
our stories are very close. I am 60ys old, one of four adult children. My dad died in 2010 and my Mom lived alone in her house 3 hrs drive from me. My 3 brothers just sit back and wait for me to handle everything. They all live much closer to my Mom but basically left her alone without support, in her late 80's. They acted as if both parents had died.

Long story short, I visited and helped my Mom as often as I could but I could no longer do the 3 hr drive with my own health issues. I asked my brothers and their kids and grandkids to help( I dont have kids). My older brother is the only one who helps and I am grateful for that.
So, I took my mom to assisted living places because she was starting with memory issues and was very lonely. She hated them...so, my husband and I converted our basement to an apt and moved my Mom in over a year ago.
All my brothers do is complain.....you moved her too far from us, you spend too much of her money, you are selfish and only think about yourself...I am not kidding...it never ends. Now my Mom has dementia and needs alot more care.
I love my Mom and am happy to care for her but find my anger and resentment towards my brothers eats away at me. It is bad enough not to help(gee, how taxing is it to call her once a week and say hi or send her a card once a month!?!) but to continually give me crap! One brother has sent a lawyer after me saying I forbid him to see or talk our Mom, he calls about once a year and has never once asked to visit. My lawyer said he is posturing to sue me when my Mom dies. All my brothers care about is their inheritance, not my Mom.

I have friends in similar circumstances and one said, save yourself alot of heartache and stop asking for or expecting help and just do it yourself.
I did hire help recently a few times a week and that has helped. My Mom will not do much of anything for herself. I made up a daily checklist of 4 -5 things she has to do everyday, like take her meds,, brush her cat, etc and she won't even do that. She is capable, she just feels at her age of 90, she should be taken care of and not do anything at all. Basically she would like me to be her personal slave. I have to say my husband is an absolute gem...he is SO good to her and I feel blessed about that.

So...you are not alone. I joined a support group for caregivers and it has been very helpful to just vent to others and get suggestions. In highly recommend them Candace. PM me anytime you like if you want to discuss anything in more detail.
D.

P.S. I am very sorry about the loss of your dear brother.
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