This kittycat is driving me crazy.

She wants my attention all of the time,
even when I'm sleeping. I'll wake up in the middle of the night and she's
laying on my stomach/bladder, all bundled up for the night.

Of course
then I must go potty, which I probably wouldn't have had to do for
another couple of hours.
When I'm eating, she's there begging...when I'm working on the computer,
she jumps up in my lap..I pet her and put her down....she's up again and
if that doesn't work, she jumps up on the back of the sofa and stalks
me from there.
Would it be mean to close the door to her room sometimes? She really
makes me nervous, when she jumps on me unexpectantly or uses me
as a springboard.

..And it hurts..ouch!!
She seems to be completely untrainable. HELP!!