Grief and Loss, the Path Well Worn

[Mark56]

Originally Posted by takinxanax

I've recently come to terms with the fact that my husband of 20 years has always had effects from an old TBI. It has been a frustrating marriage! I feel like I wasted my life. When I think about leaving I feel so much grief but I don't know what else to do because it's not a happy situation. We didn't have children and we are kind of isolated because all he wants to do is go to work-which I'm grateful he can still do. Please don't tell me to take care of myself or join clubs. Been there..done that. I am talking about the searing grief of being 56 and feeling alone and wondering if it's too late to have a good life. Can't really make a move until grief is a little better under control, you know, not so overwhelming.

My Mom-in-Law.... thus you know how much I love her dearly.... "made the move" at about your age now so many years back. Having done it, she blossomed in joy with one whom she wed and it was as if she was reborn. She and he came to hold very very special place in my heart as my "parents" and he even came to refer to me as his child, such was our love.

Mom and Grandpa F knew twenty years of bliss together until he went to be with the Lord about ten years back. Yeah, Mom is pretty far along in years now, and she looks with great fondness at the time she had in the GOOD LIFE she came to know.

Blessings on you,

[Mark56]

Originally Posted by ginnie

You expressed grief and loss from your own intimate experience. I am sorry you are going through all this with your dad. The human condition, it grabs us all, and it hurts. I wish I could grab you right now and give you a hug and tell you I care. I lost both my folks, have no contact with my daughter and grandchild, I know the pain you are feeling. We so need our faith, and each other when these traumas visit us. I want you to know that I may not write every day, but I read all the posts. You will be in my thoughts and prayers, and I asked my angel to visit your dad. I am with you as a sister Mark, and I never will forget you and your family in my prayers. May God and his son, watch over your family and give you the strength you need. xxxginnie

Dear Heart, you are a precious friend. Thank you so much for your message and your prayers,
Blessings

[Mark56]

Originally Posted by takinxanax

Love it-"That would drive me nuts too"..ha ha. Kind of admits it, but says he can manage it on his own. I keep trying because I'm scared to get div. and move and stuff! What if I regret it?

Actually, seeing the "I can manage it on my own" phenomenon being played out through a brother-in-law of mine, I am certain such statements are hogwash. Last weekend, being with family mourning the loss of a sister-in-law to RSD associated matters, we had to deal with brother-in-law's dysfuntion, his berating me, his emotional pummeling both me and my blessed wife, and to tell you the truth, I HAD ENOUGH OF IT FOR A LIFETIME.... there, I shouted and got it out....

When challenging brother-in-law to seek and GET help, having him sit in a chair opposite me screwing his face up and pounding his forehead with index finger saying "I am working on it myself.... in here" I am absolutely certain he is denying every opportunity to receive true help. He is a controller. He is lost. He causes harm with nearly every word issued from his mouth.

I am done with him. Don't need the "brain damage" anymore.

That is just my take on "managing it on his own."

Blessings,

[takinxanax]

Yesterday I went to our county social services office and met with a social worker that reviewed his neuropsych report. First of all he said it was a poor job and that my husband was ripped off. Then he said, he has learning disabilities but is high functioning in mechanical skills/thinking. He said is very adaptable and smart. This leaves me to know that a lot of his behavior is personality as well. Thanks for your posts about your personal experiences of "moving on". I started a divorce support group two days ago (he doesn't know it) and it was just in time because this weekend he is going to our cabin (I can't afford to) by himself and said "you can go if you want to." Huh? I feel so abandoned and alone, but I know that I will recover. I have plenty of stuff at home to keep my busy and am going on Mem. Wknd., that's if we are still together. It's hard to ride 4 hours with him in the vehicle. He keeps most of his money and I struggle to get by on mine and I need a car repair. Going to the cabin is at least $250.00
My heart is heavy but I know I will never be happy with him.

[takinxanax]

I need to stop sounding and feeling like a victim!

[ginnie]

It is so hard when relationships go their seperate ways. It takes time to move on. It takes time to grieve for it. It takes time to heal. While you go through this process if that is the direction you must choose, try to keep busy. Try to occupy you thoughts and your actions with other things. This is what I am doing. I went with my son on my first canoe trip in years. Peaceful on the Peace river. Each day I try to remember that not every relationship is meant to be forever. Be good to yourself. I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. ginnie

[mg neck prob]

Originally Posted by takinxanax

I need to stop sounding and feeling like a victim!

Hi TAK!

I get why you said this ----but you feel this way because you tried very hard and so long to make it work. His cognotive skills and emotional responses are not there to be part of any normal relationship. Which has made you feel isolated and alone and depressed for a very longtime. Don't beat yourself up over it ---give yourself time. Im glad to hear you reached out to a support group its really hard when your battling these types of situations in your head alone. It cause all of us at times self doubt everything. However--- something happens when you even just say the words to others---its almost healing for you. It helps you validate your feelings and thoughts. Im glad to read your taking postive steps for yourself.