Oh dear Goofy-
I am a survivor of the shame game
and I know you cannot bring shame to your children as you write "what kind of mother am i. i'd only bring shame to him[.]" Shame nearly and several times drove me to the precipice only to come to grips with the reality shame is a guilt game of this world and has little to do with our living when we are earnestly striving toward doing our best.
Even though it is a medical concept, I have striven to live under the precept of "first do no harm." This way I hold myself accountable within my faith relationship whiich is very personal. Others who do not have such a deep personal relationship may still live by the mantra a doing no harm.
There is no doubt you have done your level best to bring life shielding others from harm into play as you have walked on this earth. The decisions your children are making are very much likely influenced by their capacity to witness you in your everyday life. Other influences will have come into the path along the way, yet I suspect you are there as a shining light. Your AVATAR speaks volumes to me in this way.
May you feel the lovingkindness which is flowing to surround you from these pages and this thread, for it is sincere, and very nearly a flood. For my own part, just know I pray all will be well in your life, in your spirit, in your estimation of self, and ....... well....... in all things.